Helping Children Cope with Divorce
You don’t need me to tell you how hard divorce is on your kids.
You already know, and it’s absolutely no help to your little people for you to be curled into a shame ball about how it might hurt their confidence, learning and social development.
You getting stuck in shame isn’t going to make your family happy again, or protect your kids from the effects of seeing the two most important people in their world fighting and distant.
So by the power vested in me as a woman who has spent her fair share of time curled into a shame ball over screwing up her marriage, I hereby absolve you of all that embarrassment.
You’re doing the best you can under the circumstances, and clearly you love your kids, or you wouldn’t be reading this blog.
You’re a good mom doing your best for them.
You probably left your marriage at least partly because you thought it was best for your kids.
Here’s something important to think about: there are things you can do to ease your kids’ transition, to save them additional heartbreak.
Here are 5 ways to protect your kids from the fallout of divorce:
Contents
1. Find the Hero in Your Ex-Husband
Your ex or soon-to-be-ex-husband has a lot of faults, clearly. But the good news is that he also has good qualities. You wouldn’t have married him otherwise.
You haven’t seen those good qualities in a long time, probably, but nobody is all black-or-white. We all have shades of gray.
One woman was telling me what a completely worthless idiot her ex-husband was.
She also mentioned that he was a school principal who speaks three languages.
We’re talking about the same guy.
In other words, he’s probably not a complete idiot.
She was telling herself he was an idiot because she had experienced him doing things that seemed idiotic, and focusing on that helped her feel less ashamed and more justified about becoming a single mom.
That’s just human nature.
But clinging to that view of her ex-husband meant she was also stuck trying to negotiate kid stuff with a worthless idiot instead of a competent, well-educated professional who’s capable of running a whole school full of kids.
When she made a decision to find the good qualifies in her ex-husband, he started to seem a lot more capable and helpful.
She even started calling him the homework hero, and her ex stepped into that role.
Her daughter went from failing her tests to getting 100% on them.
It’s tempting to make your ex wrong, but consider asking yourself what is right about him?
What qualities about your ex would it serve you to focus on?
2. Expect the Best Outcome
Of course you’re worried about your kids keeping up at school and losing self-esteem.
It breaks your heart to see them crying about the loss of their family unit. You’re going to feel afraid for them.
When you feel that way, you have a choice: indulge the fear and focus on it, or choose to expect the best outcome.
You’re going to feel like you can’t help but worry about them, but what you focus on increases. If you focus on how they’re struggling at school, guess what will increase?
There’s a lot of adjusting going on, but as with your ex, life didn’t just get 100% black.
Look for the bright spots and focus on them. Maybe you can’t afford to send your daughter to gymnastics anymore. But on the bright side, she still gets to be in the school band.
That’s helping her develop skills that will serve her for the rest of her life.
Maybe your son seems sullen and depressed. Focus on and speak of how grateful you are that he has stepped up to help with his younger siblings, and what a good man he’s growing into instead.
This will take some focus at first, since your fear is going to feel bigger and sharper than your faith.
But it’s absolutely in your power to choose what you focus on about your kids, and therefore increase it.
3. Let Your Kids Be Upset
At the same time that you’re focusing on your faith instead of giving in to your fear, your kids are going to have some feelings about what’s happening to them.
Of course they will—it’s a big deal to lose your nuclear family.
You can model choosing your faith over your fear for them too, but don’t forget to give them the space to have their hurt and anger.
If you listen well and empathize by saying, “It is sad that you miss your dad. I can see why you feel that way,” the feeling will rise and naturally subside.
Of course, it’s more challenging to do when their sadness crashes into your guilt or shame.
But this is not about you. It’s about their experience, and you giving them the gift of being heard and understood.
Let it be all about them. You can process your feelings with your support system, but you are the main support for them.
4. Express Your Desires in a Way that Inspires
Men are pretty motivated to make even their ex-wives happy. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now because he’s been such a jerk for so long.
I was reminded about this recently when my dad called, concerned about my mom’s well-being.
They split up for the last time over 30 years ago. He’s been happily remarried for decades.
She’s not his responsibility anymore. But still, he can’t stop himself from wanting to protect her.
And believe me, my dad seemed like a jerk when they were splitting up. Now I can see two sides to that story.
Because you feel like you’re having to negotiate with a selfish jerk, you may be tempted to make demands and fight for what you know you deserve.
You might figure it’s best to just tell your ex how it’s going to be, to use authority or insist.
Instead, consider framing your demands as desires.
Instead of saying, “You’re taking the kids on Saturday because that’s what we agreed!”, which may get his defenses up, consider saying, “I would love to have the day off from the kids on Saturday.”
That way, your ex has the chance to step into taking the kids as a way of making you happy.
Believe it or not, that’s still something he’s motivated to do—to make you happy.
Every peaceful conversation you have with him is a gift of emotional safety to your kids.
True, it would be nice if he’d be the first one to be mature or respectful, but you have the power to make peace by being the bigger person.
The view from the high road is spectacular. And the ride for your children is smoother and safer.
5. Make Your Marriage Worth Saving
Of course, if the marriage isn’t over yet, there’s also the option to give you and your kids the best present of all: parents with a playful, passionate marriage.
I know, it doesn’t seem possible right now.
It might not be. Only you know for sure. You’re the expert on your life.
My marriage didn’t seem salvageable, either. It seemed hard and lonely and unbearable.
I felt like a loser for putting up with it. That’s how miserable it was.
Like you, I tried everything—books, counseling, talking it out, threatening divorce.
It wasn’t until I got the right information that things turned around completely.
Before that, I was struggling because no one ever taught me The Six Intimacy Skills™.
Once I learned them, my marriage got easy and fun again—like it was when we first fell in love.
I’ve seen so many women have miracles in their relationships with The Six Intimacy Skills that I want every woman to have them.
I suffered needlessly, and I don’t want anyone else to. That’s been my mission for 18 years now.
If you’re still married, there’s still hope, even if he left you, even if he has someone else, even if you already filed for divorce.
Maybe you’ll check out The Six Intimacy Skills only because you love your children and want to give them a home court advantage.
Mother love is powerful like that.
Either way, I admire your commitment to protecting your kids.
The world needs mothers like you who want the world for their children.
9 replies on “Helping Children Cope with Divorce”
Thank you for a great article, Laura. The timing of it is crazy as I am on the verge of taking action in filing a divorce against a husband of 13 years with two babies on the line. I read 1 and of half of your books – when I was half way through the second book, I found out about my husband’s affair (which he calls his fate, love of his life etc) along with two other previous sexual relationships.
I know I have to practice the Intimacy skills with a “good man” and I came to the conclusion that my husband is not a good man. Even when I told him I forgive him for affairs and asked him stop talking to his current affair so we can focus on keeping the family, he says that relationship is the only thin that makes him happy right now and is not willing to give it up. Sometimes he doesnt even try to hide talking to her and I am in great pain.
Even though I think I am doing what is best for the kids, I cant help but wonder if I am being a little selfish by not sticking through it for the kids’s sakes.
Lostnconfused, That sounds incredibly hard and painful. I’m sorry you’re going through that. I hear you that it sounds like your husband is not a good man, and that may be the case. For me, there’s been so much benefit in cleaning up my side of the street first so I can see what’s what. It’s been very freeing. We have many coaching clients in your situation, and we celebrate husbands ending those affairs and cherishing their wives again. Often when he is in the affair and it’s new they act the way your husband is acting. I’m not saying it’s easy to revitalize your relationship in this situation, but I am saying it’s worth it. If there’s a chance your marriage could be amazing again, I’m sure you would want to grab that with both hands. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best move for you. You’d find it so valuable for deciding what’s best for you and your family.
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Thank you for your comment! I am actually scheduled for a discovery call for tomorrow (which I’ve been anxiously and patiently looking forward to.) I have been following your website and read all your blogs and almost signed up for the swew program but my husband vetoed it.
Your words resonated with me. Your philosophy of cleaning up my side of the street first has always been my motto for my 13 years of marriage, so I totally agree with that.
Ever since the affair started (four months ago) all I have been doing is cleaning up on my side of the street. I apologized, I repented, I asked for forgiveness and worked hard for the last four months to be the wife he wants (he is frustrated that i dont take initiatives, i dont have dreams or passion, i settle for low paying jobs, house is a mess, i am too permissive with kids – he says he has years of frustration because of the way i am) but no matter what I do, he still accuses me and is refusing to stop his affair.
Regardless of what I decide to do (divorce or not) I understand I should still practice the intimacy skills no matter what. I will try my hardest.
Lostnconfused, Sounds like you are very accountable. I admire that. I would love to see you focus less on pleasing him and more on pleasing yourself and respecting him. I’d love to see you honor your own desires. You’re working hard, I can see that! It makes a big difference when you get the right information.
Laura, in your response to the last comment was a useful phrase: focus less on pleasing him, and more on pleasing yourself and respecting him. Wow! Yes!
Hi Laura thanks for a great article. Im married with 1 child and pregnant with our second child. Our marriage is full of ups and downs and my hormones aren’t helping the situation when we fight. I cry and get so upset at all things big n small my husband does when he doesn’t do what i want or expect and i know this is bad for our relationship because he gets angry and distant when i cry and blame him for ruining things. He does alo of things right but how i also get the things i want from him like spending time with me and our son and actually having daily conversations with us after he comes back from work? Thanks in advance.
JS, Sounds like your lonely for his time and attention. I remember how painful that was when my marriage was like that. But I had the key to bring back the connection between us, and you do too. I’d love to see you get your hands on The Six Intimacy Skills. I spell them out in detail in the book The Empowered Wife, which you can get in print or audiobook. You’ll find it so valuable! You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com/
My husband left me with a 5yr old and 7month old on Christmas Eve. After being gone 6 weeks he has now told me twice he is happier alone and no longer loves me. Says we have ‘grown apart’ but I think this is an excuse and we have a baby for crying out loud. I’ve been practicing the 6 skills with no success, I only see him every other weekend when he takes the kids. Is this relationship salvageable? How long will it take as it’s hard being a single mum and working full time, which he seems to have switched off from noticing. I’ve lost lots of weight from the stress also. Sometimes he’ll talk to me and others he is callous like his playing mind games. I don’t know what to do. Has there been times when it hasn’t worked?
Leanne, What a heartbreaking situation you’re going through. It sounds exhausting. It can be challenging to practice the Intimacy Skills when you’re not seeing each other much, but it can be done and it has been done with great success, so if they can do it, then why not you? You’ve already made a good start. I would love to see you get support, as you have so much at stake. This is the breakdown before the breakthrough to the marriage you’ve always wanted, which is worth fighting for. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches is right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/