How To Be Vulnerable In A Relationship
When it comes to your relationship, vulnerability may be the single most indispensable ingredient for creating intimacy. You simply cannot have intimacy without being vulnerable.
But specifically…HOW do you do that?
Why is it so difficult to be vulnerable in a relationship?
Brene`Brown writes:
“Rather than deny our vulnerability, we lean into both the beauty and agony of our shared humanity. Choosing courage does not mean that we’re unafraid, it means that we are brave enough to love despite the fear and uncertainty.”
In other words, it’s scary to show my vulnerable side.
That’s normal. It takes strength and courage to open up and expose the tender parts of our heart to someone else, but men have a much easier time stepping into the roles of provider and protector when we do.
In my case, I had also collapsed being vulnerable with being weak but they’re not the same.
In this Intimacy Skill, vulnerability means opening myself up emotionally to the most tender, fragile parts of me in order to allow my husband to truly see me. Without vulnerability, it’s hard for a man to know how he can take care of his wife and make her feel special and desired.
Men want the opportunity to make us happy, to make us feel protected and taken care of.
When we let down our guard and show the vulnerable, exposed side of ourselves, we invite our husbands to come close and connect.
Being vulnerable is not being meek, submissive, or acting like a doormat. It DOES include letting go of thinking we should handle everything by ourselves.
It includes saying ‘I can’t,’ which gives rise to the opportunity to receive help from your man, which in turn makes both you and him happy.
It means that instead of getting angry with my husband for spending too much time working or with friends, I simply say, “I miss you”.
Being vulnerable in a relationship means that instead of masking my sadness or fear with anger, I tell my husband how I feel. I might even cry.
Being vulnerable allows my husbands to step in and take care of me with his own tenderness and kindness, so I don’t have to be that tough cookie that doesn’t need anyone.
Vulnerability reveals that feminine, tender side that your husband fell in love with.
It lets other women in your circle–like friends and family–witness your beauty and tenderness. Consider showing your vulnerable side with your man and with the women in your life and see if there isn’t magic and beauty in being vulnerable.
5 replies on “How To Be Vulnerable In A Relationship”
Hi Laura, I took part in a forum called Landmark that got me back to dreaming again. My boyfriend was the catalyst in giving my dreams another go, career wise, and there was an open door through my friend to go to Landmark. People sometimes go in front of the seminar in front of a microphone to get a breakthrough in whatever they are struggling with. He asks me how Landmark is going and I am “vulnerable” with him, sharing him some of my transformations. Just the day before, he’s telling me how happy he is to see the benefits of Landmark and during an argument he used it against me, saying, “Oh so you’re going to go talk to your friends there about me?” It was so hurtful. I never had intention. Things like that do not create a safe environment for people to share in a relationship and it seems he’s getting cut slack by me just accepting an apology. What would you recommend? I’ve already told him I’m not wanting to share these things as it was used against me for no reason. Thanks Laura!
Kristin, Sounds hurtful! I know it’s hard to hear the heart message when your guy is lashing out like that, but if I read between the lines, I think I hear him saying, “I’m afraid you’re speaking poorly of me there.” So for me, I’d rewind the conversation to what you said just before that. Maybe there was a misunderstanding, but often we have said things about our husbands that they perceive as disrespectful when we feel we were just “being honest” or trying to help him improve. Have you read The Empowered Wife? If not, I think it would help with creating the emotional safety you’re craving.
Hi Laura, the conversation played out like this: “I’m going to go find a different tool to see how we can not let the sun go down on our anger as this may not be working.” He plead with me “No no no, let me show you it’s a priority.” I said “I’m just not sure…” Then the knee-jerk comment I said above. I gave myself one day of self care to get rid of any bitterness in my heart. He came to me, asked how I was, I said “I’m fine.” He wanted to apologize for his knee-jerk comments as he’s striving to be more direct (he never spoke up to ex-wife). I found myself apologizing (and I hadn’t before) for my knee jerks, as they were just as hurtful (this is before I read the chapter on the apology format). I am currently reading your new book (as I didn’t know you came out with a new one) and it’s been giving me more tools than I had with the “Surrendered Single” philosophy 1/2 years ago and didn’t know if it would be right for me to read “Surrendered Wife” before I even had a ring on my finger. It’s good to work on intimacy skills before marriage, right?
Correction: 1 1/2 years ago 🙂
Wow! This is a good article! I definitely was stabbed with the Truth a few times. I can now see that this is how my mother was and still is. Always telling me and my sister, that we don’t need a man to do nothing for us. It stuck! I don’t want to teach this to my daughter! I desire to marry, and previously, I didn’t know I was sabatoging!