How I Got My Husband Back

How I Drove Another Husband Away—and Got Him Back

Deb Reid, LDC Relationship Coach Training Graduate

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

I froze.

I had heard those words before, years ago, with a different husband. That time, I had four babies under the age of six.

Sadly, the common factor was me.

I stumbled away and drove, sobbing all the way. I stopped halfway at a women’s refuge and pleaded with them to help me. They couldn’t.

I cried out to God. “Help me. Show me what to do. I can’t go through this again.”

Long, dark hours later, I arrived at my lonely hotel. No messages. Nothing. I took a sleeping pill and cried myself to sleep.

I spent the next four days with my girlfriends, celebrating our fiftieth birthdays. We shared our stories, cried, laughed and floundered around trying to find solutions for our myriad of marital problems.

Then I had to go home. Would my husband even be there?

I took my time. With my surfboard, a tent and a sleeping bag, I cruised my way south.

I kept praying, “God show me.”

How could I mend something when I didn’t understand why or how it was broken? Why had two husbands wanted to leave me? I was consumed by self-doubt.

I was a teacher and knew that the secret to problem-solving was having an open mind and a humble heart.

Here's what I found that replaced self-doubt, control and cursing with romance. Click To Tweet

I drove to a bookstore and went to the self-help section. One title jumped out at me: The Empowered Wife.

The title struck a chord for me because, despite our marriage difficulties, my husband had refused to see a marriage counselor. He was so embittered.

He was a pastor and had been married before. He had been willing to do whatever it took to save their marriage.

The marriage counsellor had advised his wife that he was a misogynist and that there was no hope for the marriage. She had better just leave.

Humiliation.

So he raised his five children alone, until we met in an online chat room.

It was love at first type. He was loving, strong, dark, handsome and just what I was looking for.

He crossed the continent to join our families. Two adults, nine kids, umpteen pets and a free set of steak knives!

Despite our love, it was hard work from the start. We had little time alone, a huge blended family and different ideas about everything! I became stressed, disappointed and negative. We argued.

Or at least I did, but it was always his fault! Wasn’t it?

I said some terrible things. Sometimes I swore and threw things.

He was self-controlled and reserved. He stonewalled me. Once, he didn’t speak to me for two weeks. It was so lonely.

After ten years, I was ready to leave. So, it seemed, was he. But I just couldn’t go through with it. I had married, before God, for life.

So there I was buying my book. The shop assistant laughed. “I should buy ten of those!”

I read at a nearby cafe. I consumed a lot of coffee and humble pie!

I texted him, apologizing for my disrespect. For the first time in five days, he communicated. He said he loved me and hated fighting. I was blown away!

I responded, thanking him for all the things I could. He replied that he really wanted to see me. So we met up the coast.

The first day was amazing. We talked. I listened and was vulnerable.

It didn’t last. On the way home, he criticized my driving and I exploded in return. The tensions were still there, just below the surface. I didn’t know how to cultivate intimacy or how to respond to his criticism. I felt misunderstood, angry and helpless.

Feeling like a failure, I secretly talked with a Laura Doyle coach. I realized that if I ever wanted to be a happily married, I needed the right education and support.

I had several setbacks. My coaching group encouraged me to persevere.

It took a long time for my husband to trust that I was really different. I was sometimes vaguely disrespectful, couching it in sweet talk, but his respectometer was so sensitive!

Whenever I crossed the line, even slightly, he would drag out the old, hurtful catchphrase: “You’re so controlling. Everyone says so.”

Ouch!

One day, after steadfastly refusing to be baited into a fight, I ironically yelled, “I don’t do this anymore!”

Fast forward to Valentine’s Day. I wished my husband a Happy Valentine’s Day. He grinned and said, “Is it? Whoops!”

The old, un-surrendered me would have responded angrily. This time, I grinned. “Every day is Valentine’s Day with you,” I said and waltzed out the door.

Hours later, the rich perfume of the roses and a delicious dinner welcomed me home.

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I'm Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

13 replies on “How I Got My Husband Back”

My best advice is live your own life. Think about your own happiness. My husband is wrapped up in his own world. I used to fight for enmeshment; striving so hard to bring us closer together- crying and begging for his attention-begging him to understand me and my need for his love. Now, I just do my own thing and it saved my sanity. We seldom speak but he has a good character, is a generous man, and is very industrious. That is who he is. I had to either accept the way HE shows love (by providing) or move on. I’m still here….but working on MYSELF, not him.

Working on my restoring my marriage after my husband had an affair because he says we lost our emotional connection. Please help. My husband is very funny and outgoing and I need to learn to be more playful with him and try to start trusting him again around other women. His job has him with women all day and he is so outgoing but I take it as flirting. How do I get over the insecurities and want to be fun and playful with him again.

Rhonda, so sorry to hear you had that heartbreaking situation in your marriage! I can see why it’s difficult to trust and feel light again, but it is possible. I hear that you’re scared it’s going to happen again, and I can relate to being swallowed up by fear in my marriage too. But not anymore. If I can make my marriage playful and passionate again, so can you. I’d love to see you get the 6 Intimacy Skills and experiment with them. You can get them from my book/audiobook The Empowered Wife. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com

It is soooo difficult to tell I’m happy with you if someone already said very painful words. Filing controlling every other day is a lot to swallow, but if you doing what you were asked for and you heard that this was waisting of time… I blow of. And to addition iI heard painful word : as hole. How get over?
Love Danuta

Danuta, That is very painful to be called a name like that, and to be told you’re wasting your time as if you are a stupid person. I wouldn’t like that either. Sounds like you’re feeling very hurt! I can see why. I admire that you came here for support and help getting through this and getting back to feeling connected again. You’re not alone–so many of us have felt the pain you’re feeling right now! I have a free webinar that you will find so valuable. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life.
You can register for it here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist

Hi Laura

I live in France, my husband died 13 years ago. However, I have 4 grown up children, all in steady relationships. My eldest daughter (29) is mum to two gorgeous little kids, but the problem in that family is with the parents! I have read your book and i realise that my daughter is of the “controlling/ angry/ criticising” type and could do to hear about your work. I know the book exists in french (easier for her to read) but are there workshops in France that do sessions to teach the six intimacy skills and coach in how to be a wonderful wife?

I am very nervous as all my daughters are extremely “modern” women with strong views!!!

Thanks
Sus

Susanna, I love that you want to give your daughters wonderful, loving, lasting relationships. So sweet! I don’t currently have any French workshops or even a French-speaking coach! I wish I did because there are so many French-speaking women who are not getting supported right now. If she is open to reading The Surrendered Wife in French, that’s a good start. Thanks for reaching out!

I am in desperate need of help in my marriage! We will be married 20 years in July. Our oldest, 19 old daughter, moved out and we now just have our son at home who will be 14 in May. I feel so alone in my marriage. I almost feel like we are close to just letting go.

Tammy, That sounds so lonely and painful. I’m sorry to hear your marriage feels so heavy and unhappy. I almost let go of my marriage and filed for divorce, but instead I went on a miraculous journey of discovering the 6 Intimacy Skills. I can’t wait for you to get them too, and to start experimenting with them in your marriage. They work wonders and you have more power than you know to make your relationship playful and passionate again. If I can do it, you can too! The Intimacy Skills are all in my book/audiobook The Empowered Wife, which you can read a free chapter of here:
http://getcherished.com/

I’m so tired of waiting for my husband to wake up. 2 ago I began to clean up my act and have been such a different person, PTL. But he is so dead inside, cokd, shut down and emotionally unavailable. It seems like nothing will change. He is not moved by the pain of others. He thinks I’m too emotional and he dismisses my feelings, ideas and presence, even. I am trying to live by God and be an example of how to love, even in the face of him being unloving, but when do we say enough is enough and move on? I trust God, I do love my husband, but it feels impossible to hold on anymore. Please help!

lmsdaily115, That sounds incredibly lonely and painful. I still remember how it felt when my husband was emotionally unavailable and I admire that you’re still committed to being loving no matter what! That takes a lot of dedication. I too wanted to give up and move on, but I’m so grateful that my desperation led me to the 6 Intimacy Skills instead. Today I have the relationship of my dreams, and if I can do it, then you can too! I’d love to see you get your hands on the Intimacy Skills and start experimenting with them in your relationship. They’re all in my book/audiobook The Empowered Wife, and you can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com

Leave a Reply to Tammy Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *