Is My Relationship Normal

How to Know if What You’re Going Through Is Typical or Out There

When there’s a breakdown in your relationship, it can trigger shame.

You don’t want other people to know what he just called you, or how you’ve been sleeping separately, or that he punched a wall or shook one of the kids or isn’t coming home at night.

When you’re scared like that, it’s normal to want to protect yourself from judgment.

That means you can’t compare notes with others to see if that happens at their house too. You’re left feeling alone.

If you did talk about what’s really going on at your house, the person you share it with may tell you that you shouldn’t tolerate that behavior. They might urge you to leave and question your judgment if you don’t.

The shame keeps you isolated in the worst way. Most of us will go a long way to avoid that feeling of shame because it feels like life or death.

That’s why I didn’t want anyone to know about the struggles in my marriage. I wanted to keep my status in the tribe.

So I suffered silently, but it wasn’t necessary.

Here’s how to know if your relationship is normal.

1. No Relationship Is Perfect

As someone with a front-row seat to the real goings-on in thousands of relationships, I can tell you that there are all kinds of “shameful” things happening in marriages all over.

I have seen thriving marriages that endured affairs, kids getting hit or shaken, and separate sleeping arrangements–for years.

In some marriages, he’s very close to a female coworker and the wife hates it. Even the perfect family you see in Facebook photos is dealing with the aftermath of one spouse giving the other a sexually transmitted disease even though they’ve been married for years.

Computers get thrown against the wall, a parent has a blowup with a child, large sums of money are spent or lost without the consent of the other spouse. There are threats to leave or commit suicide.

Couples get into physical scuffles, bill collectors call regularly, he drinks in the morning or goes to jail.

I’ve seen couples who screamed obscenities at each other at the top of their lungs. Oh wait–that was my marriage in the bad old days.

In other words, relationships are messy.

I’m not saying any of that is right or fair or okay.

I’m not saying you should just accept or put up with these things.

But I am saying that if you’re experiencing some of them, you’re not alone.

I’m saying that if you decide to keep your marriage anyway, you won’t be the first, and it won’t make you wrong or bad or weak.

It won’t doom your children or make him think he can get away with bad behavior in the future.

2. You’re a Social Creature

We all have the need to be seen and known.

As social creatures, we want to belong. Shame can interfere with that like crazy. Just having a secret makes us feel separate, but that feeling of separation is a lie.

I was amazed to see the response of other women when I started sharing openly about the very things I was most ashamed of in my relationship: that I raged at him, that he didn’t want to have sex with me, that we had the power turned off for non-payment.

To my astonishment, rather than judging me, thousands of women came closer and felt a bond with me.

I was surprised to learn that the BDSM community passed my books around because they considered me an important thought leader and a frustrated “bottom.”

I guess we have more in common than I realized.

I was honored to be invited to inner circles of faiths typically closed to outsiders, like Orthodox Jewish women and rabbis who pronounced my book 100% kosher, called the Six Intimacy Skills™ Kabbalistic and came to study to become coaches with me.

Then, this born-and-bred Methodist was invited to speak to Mormon women and Muslim women. I felt like a rock star when what was supposed to be a small gathering turned out to be standing room only, and women in hijabs lined up to ask for autographs on their dog-eared, highlighted copies of my book.

Women in Egypt emailed me saying they had believed that only Egyptian men were the way I described in my books. Japanese wives sent me handwritten cards thanking me for saving their marriages. An author in Germany flew to where I live in Southern California to study with me because what I wrote about resonated so strongly with her.

Women in same-sex marriages reached out saying that if they could just get support with practicing the Intimacy Skills, they knew it would bring peace to their homes and families. They cheered at the results.

I share all that not to brag, but to demonstrate that we all have more in common than I ever realized, and sharing what I was most embarrassed about helped to create that connection.

I’m still floored at how very much women everywhere, while they may have different preferences than me, want to feel pursued, desired, safe and special in their relationships.

It’s a small world after all.

My team of coaches and I serve vegans and carnivores who want more passion, Yankee fans, and Red Sox fans who crave peace, and even women who enjoy yoga (I don’t) who long to feel desired.

One thing we all have in common is the feeling that we are the only one who has the challenge we have in our relationship.

We believe we’re the only ones whose husband isn’t making enough money, or who is too harsh on the kids, or whose drinking gets way out of hand.

We fear that our situation is hopeless and we’ll never have the playful, passionate marriage we crave.

That’s just an illusion.

Instead, it seems that on every continent, we have married the same man.

3. You Can Right Your Ship

So what if you’re enduring one of the difficult situations I mentioned above? What then?

Just because someone else is in the same boat doesn’t offer much comfort when it feels like the boat is sinking.

But just telling someone else can help a lot. It did for me.

Telling the truth and admitting I needed help led to me learning and practicing the Intimacy Skills that helped me get my boat back to smooth sailing.

Women also have in common that we are the keepers of the relationship. We get to say if it will be relaxed and sweet or tense and distant.

We have tremendous influence, even if we don’t know it.

The Six Intimacy Skills provide access to that influence, and while only you know for sure if they are right for you and your relationship, thousands of women in 30 countries swear by them.

I’m grateful for the sense of belonging I have with them.

It’s wonderful to know I’m not alone.

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I'm Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

28 replies on “Is My Relationship Normal”

I think your vulnerability and honesty is what makes you so helpful to so many people …. people get courage to believe they are alone

Hi. My husband of close to 20 yrs confessed to me that he’s been addicted to porn for about 10’yrs on and off. Hes in a strong recovery program and sober for 2 yrs. How do I get past the feeling of being betrayed and lied to? Also, I was so sure that he adored me and loved my looks…how do I get that confidence back?

Ama, I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s porn addiction. I can see why you’re feeling betrayed and have suffered a blow to your confidence. I really admire your vulnerability, which is so attractive. It’s good news that he has opened up to you and is in recovery. I remember how hurtful and lonely it was not to feel desired by my husband. The 6 Intimacy Skills gave me the tools to rebuild the trust–and my confidence. I hear your commitment to your marriage and know that you can have that too. I’d love to support you to turn things around so you can feel cherished, desired and adored. I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist

I cannot attend the seminar but I read your books and blogs. Anything specific I should read now?

Bahahaha this is fantastic!! Thank you for encouraging me right when I needed it! Now back to my plan to meet with a bunch of ladies to share and learn again what we can do using the six intimacy skills and all your wonderful stories. Thank you!

I read your books 3 years ago and it saved my marriage.

2nd honeymoon still going on ever since.

I had all the above. Plus more and we are stronger as one and both very happy. From the bottom of my heart

Thank you!

Woohoo, that’s what I love to hear, Melissa! You are welcome. I hear how committed you have been to practicing the Intimacy Skills and turning things around. Well done! I love how passionate and grateful you are. You sound like coach material! If you’re interested in how your experience getting a second honeymoon could give hope to other women, check out https://lauradoyle.org/become-a-coach/

none of this is my situation….. my husband lacks intimacy (Won’t spend time) trust and our home of 15 years is way over due for repairs he is a contractor refusing to do work a year and a half ago Tree fell in bedroom roof due to him not repairing it I know have to replace the entire roof plus redo the bedroom because of mold…..so we are separated and getting a divorce. How can this be salvaged…..i took your course just last year helped me but he keeps rejecting anything I try to get him involved in to even try to reconcile for the past 2years….. We’ve been separated for 140 days now

Mary, it sounds devastating for your home and marriage to have fallen into disrepair. I’m sorry to hear you’ve separated and are planning to divorce. I hear that you want to salvage things, and I admire your commitment! Your situation deserves a longer discussion than my brief comment here. I know I needed extra support to bring my marriage back from the rubble and rebuild it to become playful and passionate. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see how working with a coach would fit for you. This call alone will give you clarity. You can apply here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching.

Laura, I am a Catholic, I have a circle of Catholic friends who know that I am in the Coaching class. Sometimes a lady will ask me “is she Catholic?” or “is she Christian?” And I said I don’t know, but I can tell you that Laura transcends all of that, her Skills can apply across the board and around the world! I believe that what you teach applies to all of us as humans, to respect ourselves and each other. I loved this article and read it twice. I am so honored to be working with you, I am filled with gratitude for you!

I’ve been married 6 years and am miserable! My husband and I have lost all respect for one another, have no intimacy whatsoever- I don’t know who the man I married is anymore! And I’m sure he’d say the same about me! I just feel it’s time to go our separate ways- too much damage has been done-
Any advice Laura?

Judy, I can see why you’re feeling miserable! I’m sorry to hear you’ve lost all intimacy and even lost the man you married. I admire your commitment to your marriage in reaching out for support, even when it feels hopeless. I so relate. The sweet, affectionate man I married disappeared early in my marriage too. With the intimacy gone, I felt lonely, baffled and hopeless. Then I discovered the 6 Intimacy Skills, which brought back the man who had wooed me and made our marriage even more playful and passionate than before. I want that for you too, and I know it’s still possible. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist

Hi laura,
My marriage is in deep trouble, my husband is porn addict, alcohol depended, and ex drug uses, when he drink whiskey, he gets crazy mad, very hateful and mean. This is a change in him the last few years, he ask for a divorce or separation today, threw me for a loop/ I don’t know where to turn to or go, he does things to get me mad and upset. My family say divorce, but the love is still there.

Sheri, I’m sorry to hear your marriage is in trouble, that he’s addicted to porn and gets mean when he drinks, and you don’t know where to turn. That sounds so hard. Your safety comes first. If you are not safe because of his drinking, that’s a divorce I endorse. It sounds like you’re hearing plenty of advice, but YOU are the expert on your life. I hear that you love him, so if you choose to stay with him just for today, I’d love to see you get the 6 Intimacy Skills and experiment with them. You can get them from my book The Empowered Wife. Here’s a free chapter: http://getcherished.com

Great advice. I plan to read your new book soon. I requested the private call .I’ve been married for the second time and so has he to other people. We’ve been married almost 15 years. We’ve been through a lot with grown children and parents. We are 57 and 58. We’ve both made some bad mistakes and now he won’t forgive me anymore. Something happened four years ago and it has been a roller coaster ever since. We said a year ago that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and I’m still devastated. We have no intimacy lately and he doesn’t want any. Now he wants an apartment soon and I don’t have a job right now and I have a house to pay for. We are just roommates now. Any suggestions I have been trying for a long time to save us. Thanks

Sharon, I hear how painful it is that he won’t forgive you and wants no intimacy with you. That is devastating. I love your vulnerability and commitment to reaching out for support and trying a new approach. I remember how lonely I felt when my husband and I had become roommates. The 6 Intimacy Skills changed everything so now it feels like we’re newlyweds again. If I can do it, so can you! Congratulations on applying for your discovery call. That will give you clarity. In the meantime, I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. I hear you need support with your house and have the opportunity to express some desires. This webinar will show you how. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist

I am in a recovery program for anger issues. Mainly with my husband. It is working bc someone said to me tonight. I can’t believe you could ever be an angry person. I’ve been working very hard on respecting my husband and although we are still separated. I believe I am becoming a confident and happy person if I don’t give up.

Lori, I applaud your commitment to bringing more peace and respect into your marriage! I get the same reaction today, having gone from a rageaholic to a happy, respectful woman thanks to the 6 Intimacy Skills. I love that you are becoming confident and happy too. I hear that you have hope for saving your marriage, and I would love to support you in getting him back. I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist

Thanks for this blog. It resonates strongly. After 15 years of struggling in my marriage with a man who is loving and committed and also bad with money and selfish, I have isolated myself completely so that I now have no friends that I share deep connection with or talk to about my struggles for all the reasons you identified in this blog. Thanks for reminding me how important it is to connect with the right women for that support. I’ll have to figure out how to create that for myself and to support other women in this way too! Cheers

Nicole, I hear how hard it is to be isolated on top of struggling in your marriage. You are so courageous. I applaud your desire to reconnect with other women and create a support network for yourself and to support other women too! Connecting with other women and receiving that support has been crucial to making myself happy, in turn making my marriage happy. I would love to welcome you into a community of surrendering women. I’ll extend that invitation to you in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist

Hi Laura, my husband and I have been married for 25 years this past Tuesday. We unfortunately did not spend it together seeing we have been separated for the past 2.5months. We were living in California for about 18months. After several weeks of my husband telling me he wasn’t happy and didn’t feel anything for me he moved out while I was visiting family on the other coast. I found out because he called me at my sister’s house the night before coming home. Over the 25 years we have been married he has cheated on me and has just built an overall mistrust in me. We just moved across country with plans of settling in NYC. Before we left California he told me once we return to NYC we will look for therapy and try to start a new relationship. He is currently staying with his family while I am staying with mine. We barely communicate! I love him so much and can’t bear to imagine my life without him. I attended your webinar but really do not have the opportunity to utilize the tips you give, because as I said, we barely communicate. What is my next step????!

Rose, it sounds so painful to barely communicate with the man you love so much. Thank you for your vulnerability in coming here to share and seek support. Many women come to me after a separation, when there is little communication with their husband. They still find ways to practice the 6 Intimacy Skills in every little interaction, attracting their husband back and creating more opportunities to communicate. One client was already in divorce proceedings, so the only time she could practice the Skills was at the attorneys’. She still saved her marriage. I’ve seen that happen even after a divorce. If they can do it, you can too. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see how you can get support in practicing the Intimacy Skills with your limited interaction. The call alone will give you clarity. You can apply here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching.

Hi

I just recently got married..we only 2 years and I noticed he liked looking at naked women on Facebook but thot it’s nothing ..we fought a lot in this relationship it has caused more damage ..he works away and this time when he can home I realised he been sending women msgs on his messenger …or 6 I saw ..then I realised he had a relationship with a woman where he worked and he would make excuses to get out of the house to call her ..i found out because he forgot his other phone home .i confronted him on it he said he would end it the following day I could he said he ended it with her .but few days later he went for late night class I was home waiting for him he got out first thing he did was to call her they spoke for 45 minutes . He forgot his phone on again. I asked him I thought you said you ended it ..he had Lied. Then I discovered he started a business with her where he invested money for her about $2000 .in my country it’s a lot. I spoke to him about it he said he was sorry and don’t want to lose this marriage I MUST give him time to deal and work this out ..and I said ok ..but it proving to be difficult that I thought..i don’t trust him ..even if he says I love you I don’t believe it .do you have any advice for me ..i been reading your material EVERYDAY just to hold on ..but not easy right now

Jane, that is devastating. I’m sure that being betrayed and lied to is not what you envisioned for yourself as a newlywed. I really admire your commitment to healing your marriage and holding onto hope. I felt baffled, scared and alone when my marriage took a turn for the worst. That’s what drove me to discover the 6 Intimacy Skills, which have given me the playful, passionate marriage I’ve always wanted. If I can do it, you can too. I know you can get back the trust and feel cherished, desired and adored. I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist

We have been married 20 yrs and this past yr my husband starting his MBA in addition to working full time. He’s in class every other weekend. The whole year I was not very supportive. I was angry that he was gone so much (asset studying most nights), I was envious of the opportunity, I resented that he made friends and had a circle I was not part of. I resented that he not only enjoyed it so much but didn’t seem to miss me at all. We were distant and fought a lot. He didn’t invite me to his classes year end party, when he was there I went thru his iPad and found text messages to a woman in his group wheee he called her beautiful and sweetie and how he couldn’t wait to see her. I figured out he was studying at her place when he would tell me he was at the school. When I confronted him he called it inappropriate flirting and we fought and I was devasted, two weeks later he went out night and I Asked him point blank if he was with her and he said no. A few days later I went thru his computer and found messages between them, she said she wished he was here and he said he wished he was there with her. And he was with her that night he told me he wasn’t. I confronted him for lying. Asked if he was cheating and he said no. He would get mad anytime I tried to talk about it, and I wanted to talk about it al the time. A month later he went golfing for work on a Saturday which was weird and I asked if she was going and he said no. Two weeks later we went to celebrate her birthday at a bar, he said since they were friends she wanted to meet me, to show there was nothing going on. I wasn’t friendly to her; not rude but not friendly. Her husband suggested the 4 of us golf together and mentioned how those two golfed together. So he lied to me again. The next day I briught it up again and We got in a huge fight where he said ugly tings and he was going to leave, he was sick of how I always bring it up and he was done, he didn’t leave but we’ve never really talked about it. And next month he’s back in school with her. He’s told me he loves me(l, he doesn’t love her, he’s not cheating and he accuses me of trying to control him and wanting him not to have friends; I don’t know if I trust him. A few of my friends tell me to leave him as he’s “clearly cheating”. I don’t want to lose him as I love him dearly: I don’t know how to stop pushing him away as I try to fight for him and I don’t know if it’d just a friendship with inappropriate flirting or more. But I don’t want to walk away.

Shelley, that sounds painful to catch your husband lying to you repeatedly about seeing another woman. That would make me crazy! I admire you for having the vulnerability to come here for support and such a strong commitment to your marriage. When I lost my husband’s attention and affection, everything I tried to get him back just pushed him away further–until I found the 6 Intimacy Skills. Finally, I was empowered to create the playful, passionate marriage I’d always wanted! I want you to have that too–and a husband you know you can trust. I know you can heal your marriage. I’ll give you the tools in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist

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