Marriage Anxiety

How to Stop Worrying and Know that Everything Is Alright

When you’re not getting what you need in your relationship, you worry.

Are things ever going to get better? Or is this relationship a huge mistake?

Is your partner ever going to change, or is this problem, this pain you’re feeling now, going to be with you for the rest of your life?

You just want to know what’s going to happen so you can make the right decisions. But since you can’t control what he does, it’s hard to know what the future holds.

The whole thing can make you apprehensive.

I remember feeling that way almost every day for years.

My marriage still isn’t perfect, but I don’t feel anxious about it anymore.

Here’s what I did to feel calm and relaxed about my relationship. Click To Tweet

1. I Learned to Stay in the Moment

You may think this is easier said than done, but I’m going to share with you exactly how I did it.

I confess that, in my anxiety, I wasn’t a pleasant person. Whenever I felt anxious, I would shriek at my husband and demand to know how he could let this happen and when he was ever going to take action.

Then, no matter what he said in response, I just rolled my eyes in disgust.

Not very dignified, I know.

But asking myself one powerful question has helped me avoid falling into a giant pit of Needless Emotional Turmoil more times than I can count.

When I feel so apprehensive I’m shaking, the question I ask myself is: “Am I okay right now?”

At first the answer was “Yes, but…,” followed by a list of all the terrible things that could happen in the future (especially if I continued to focus on them!).

But if I just stick to the facts for the moment, so far, the answer to that question has been “yes.” Every. Single. Time.

For example, one of the things that used to make me incredibly fretful was when my husband and I were down to our last $19.83 in the bank.

Then a $20 debit would come through, which meant we were overdrawn. Now we had an overdraft fee too. Argh!

Don’t you hate when that happens?

Me too.

I felt a panic rising inside me as I anticipated running out of food or gas or eye cream and having no way to buy more. Ever!

But when I started asking myself “Am I okay right now?” my honest answer was always “yes.”

I wasn’t hungry or stranded on the way to work or in danger of getting premature wrinkles. I wasn’t suffering in any way except in anticipation of the future, which I imagined would be very, very bad.

But I was usually wrong about that.

The more evidence I gathered about how the things I was so worried about didn’t actually happen, the easier it got for me to stay in the moment where I was still breathing and everything was alright.

Eventually I had a long string of moments where I was totally alright.

I found that I could apply this question to anything I was anxious about–from wondering if my marriage would always feel lonely and lack affection to worrying about my parents’ health to stressing about a talk I was preparing.

I learned I could choose calm instead of being a victim of anxiety in my marriage–and every other situation too.

2. Drop and Do 10

Once I stopped panicking by focusing on my current circumstances, I sometimes found myself getting worked up all over again.

I would think, “Everything’s not okay! We’re overdrawn! It’s his fault for spending too much.”

And just like that, I was anxious again and asking myself endless questions about whether he would ever change or if I’d be better off without him.

I’m embarrassed to say I used to think that way, which seems strange because I don’t feel that way about him at all anymore.

Now it’s clear that he’s made my life richer in every way over the last 28 years.

This habit I’m about to tell you has a lot to do with why I feel that way.

Here it is: In addition to recognizing that I was totally fine in this moment, when I feel anxious I also drop and do ten–gratitudes, that is.

I’d focus those gratitudes on the very things I was most worried about in that moment, which, when we were overdrawn, was that I’d have to go without, forever.

Who wouldn’t be anxious with that line of thinking, right?

But then I started finding evidence of the opposite.

Okay, so maybe there was no money in the bank account. But I could find ten things that I did have and was grateful for.

I’d start with the basics: I had food in the fridge, gas in my car, clothes to wear, a house to live in and $46 in my purse.

I also had a car and a garage for that car, a gym membership, fancy eye cream and pretty new pajamas.

By the time I got to ten, I was starting to feel pretty well-off.

And plenty calm.

Chances are pretty good that you’ll be able to stop feeling anxious and take nice deep breaths when you ask yourself if you’re okay in the moment and then drop and do ten gratitudes too.

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I'm Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

24 replies on “Marriage Anxiety”

That’s a good thing to remember: not just count to 10 but count to 10 things to be thankful for! Thanks for this quick tip!

Hi Laura
Excellent article! Have to put it place like now.
So, basically, last week hubby got annoyed with something and said he doesn’t want anyone visiting in the house.
So on my way from work I felt fed him saying, I’d love to see my brother. And he replied saying, no I don’t want anyone in my house.
Then when I got home he asked if my brother had texted me and I said no it was my wish. Then he said , stop asking me things to which I said no. Then I said, I’m not asking just expressing my desire, and he said , you got too many desires.
And then after a bit he left to work.
Shall I text and say that I hear him and I just would like to see my brother?
Don’t know how to go about.
I’ve been trying to practise the six skills.

Juliana, your husband’s ban on all visitors sounds really hard! It’s discouraging that he hasn’t been more receptive to your beautiful expression of desire. I love how committed you are to learning these Skills and restoring the intimacy in your marriage!

I remember how discouraged I felt when my husband was resistant to certain Intimacy Skills I was practicing. It’s easy to give up and think those don’t work, but he needed time to catch up with my new dance steps after years of doing the same old dance. I’m so glad I stayed the course because the Intimacy Skills got me feeling desired, cherished and adored.

I can’t wait for your husband to be eager to please you too. I’ll talk more about how to express your desires in a way that inspires in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.

Dear Laura,
Ive been married to my dear husband for 35 years this year, & this year has to be one of the worst. I found myself saying & doing things in our marriage as if I was a child, until I read your book. I found myself speaking positively to him & building him up, things started turning around. I used to do these things earlier in our marriage, I had just forgotten to be positive. This makes such a difference in a long term marriage (or if you want a long term marriage) I have always been insecure because I had no parents, so as you can imagine I had allot of fear & anxiety. He usually always reassured me, unless I was speaking wrong things to him. Its a struggle sometimes to remain positive, but I know I gotta keep plugging along if I want a good marriage. Thank you so much for sharing your pointers & continued encouragement, through emails.
Sincerely,
Mrs. In WA State

Sherri, I admire you for all you are doing to bring gratitude and focusing on the positive back into your marriage. I’m so happy it’s working for you! Thank you for sharing your gratitude with me.

Thank you Laura Doyle for every blog you write and every book you have written.
You changed my perspective in such a positive way and my marriage has become pretty magical.
Wow.
Thank you for making the world( mine)
A better place.
????

Thank you soo much its like God sent you like you to tell me all this was feeling Anxious about all this. Thanks big sis for this pep talk God bless you . looking for more
Empowering Tips

I’ve always felt this way and is now grateful that i’m not alone and will now try this “list of 10 things to be grateful for”. Thank you.

I so love you Laura for helping us hang on to our marriages when it feels like but a thread is still connecting us. May you be forever blessed. And helping us believe that when it grows to be a better marriage we will be grateful that we hung on!! xx

Thank you Laura, I’m soooo using your tip. My marriage is on the rocks and I only want to be a great wife for my husband.

I am so embarrases that I think that way sometimes. Thank you for this, I will try this when I get to thinking or catch myself going down this path again

Thank you Laura
During this Christmas season with all the extra spending and shopping this hits the mark! 🙂 It’s amazing how thinking about all the things you already have and being thankful for them can change your mindset!

I was literally dealing with anxiety yesterday, which I haven’t been for months, when this blessing of a blog entry landed in my inbox. This was written for me. The funny thing is that I got out of the habit of writing in my gratitude journal for two days in a row, Not setting my day on the things that I’m grateful for got me to start thinking and overthinking and worrying about things that aren’t even in my control. Am I okay right now? Yes. Do I have 10 things to be grateful for? Even more! Thank you!

I am going to try this. I just found you today Laura Doyle. When you describe yourself in your early marriage it sounds exactly like me… exactly. I am so excited to have your advice. It makes sense

Oh Laura, today my husband asked me to make a choice, I am too edgy and suspicious. I can’t trust him anymore. Iam so depressed and suicidal. Iam tired of loveless marriage! Iam tired my friends…..This may help. Thanks

Hi Laura,
Just like all of these ladies, I feel like this blog was written for me! It seems like everywhere I turn (blogs, articles, books, church, small group studies, conferences) the answer is to be positive and affirm him even when it doesn’t seem like he deserves it. I struggle with saying positive things to him when I am feeling disappointed and resentful towards him all the time, but I carry out all the household duties, mom duties, and work full time while he has been trying to figure out what is wrong with him. He pretty much fell apart physically and mentally when my daughter was born, and it’s been a struggle for him to work part of part time in three years. He has chronic pain along with inherited and learned mental health issues, and it seems to have crippled him. I have taken on the entire household duties, teach full time, teach summer school, and did some personal training to try to bring in money to pay the bills while he “does what he can.” He has no problem spending money on things he think might fix him, and he has doctor appointments every week. I am afraid for my future and my daughter’s future if he never “figures himself out.” We have no savings and keep borrowing from retirement and have accrued a lot of debt. I know I haven’t been calm and kind through all of it, but I’ve put up with it and taken care of him while raising a child pretty much by myself. When is it okay to decide enough is enough? Do you really think things can be fixed by just being more positive? Doesn’t that make him think I am okay with the situation?

Laura your a such wise woman l will put these tips into practice hey l just reunited with my husband so it’s a little weird adapting l am avoiding worry n l’m glad l came across these tips to avoid anxiety.

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