Mom Acts Like 3-Year-Old and Gets What She Wants

Stefanie, Laura Doyle Certified Coach

I love eavesdropping on my three year old and his cousin. She’s four, so naturally, she assumes a position of superiority. Here’s one of their conversations:

4 year old: “You have to do whatever I say, okay?”
3 year old: “But I don’t want to!”

[Copious screaming ensues.]

I don’t blame him. That’s exactly how I feel when someone tells me what to do.

For example, my mother innocently suggested that I drive safely as I was leaving the house with my toddler. Now, I didn’t take to the streets like Evel Knievel, but I did notice a little demon prodding me to drive however I darn well pleased.

Another mother in the family (notice a pattern?) “asked” me five times to hold the mail while I was packing for a trip.

The hold-mail form got submitted none the quicker, as my demon fumed that I should put it off until I darn well pleased.

Maybe I’m just a defiant girl. In most regards, however, I’m quite the rule follower.

I read the instructions.

I file my taxes with cash-register honesty.

I obey traffic laws (well, most of them).

Perhaps others enjoy taking orders. Unfortunately, my husband is not among them.

If only he would do things the right way (i.e., my way), I used to think, then our marriage would be great!

The more I insisted on the “right” way for my husband to eat, heed recycling guidelines, discipline the children, cook for me, put his shoes away, fix the pipes, argue with me (can I stop now?), the more my husband seemed to have a demon, too.

The nerve of him doing things his way! Most days, I figured he was incompetent; on good days, I was just smarter than him. I got so frustrated by his inability to carry out simple tasks that I decided to do everything myself—then resent him for it.

The turning point came when I learned three magic words from Laura Doyle: “Whatever you think.”

Ironically, when I quit telling him what to do and how to do it, he seemed keenly interested in my way. He asked me questions to the tune of our old dance: “What pan should I use?” “How much should I tip?” “What should I eat?”

I didn’t have to think too hard to figure things out for him because these questions were now easy to answer: “Whatever you think!” “Whatever you think!” “Whatever you think!”

Lest I sound like a broken record, my man does ask me questions besides just the ones that summon the ghost of my controlling past.

When he asks something that actually concerns me, such as what I want to do, I tell him.

I had no idea there existed such an effective system for getting what I want: saying what I want!

I love how easy my three-year-old makes it look. He pauses to consider his choices, then proclaims, “I want this marker. I don’t want this one.” Unwaveringly. Unapologetically.

In my experience, however, following his example is easier said than done, especially since I had the “I want” trained out of me as a child. It was rude to say those words, maybe even to think them. The safest route to being a good girl was self-denial, or not wanting anything at all. When the wants got squashed down, without anywhere to go, they started to come out sideways.

So, I’d politely hint–or just expect my husband to read my mind, then feel out of sorts when he didn’t know how to please me, even though half the time I didn’t know what I wanted myself!

Now that I’ve learned to express my desires and stay on my side of the street, it does drive him crazy sometimes. He’ll come to me with two shirts in his hands and an earnest look on his face, asking me which to wear. (You guessed it: “Whatever you think!”)

“No, I really want your opinion,” he bellows.

“I trust you to make that decision,” I confirm.

For many women I work with, this is going too far. “Yeah, but he asked you,” they object.

Yeah, but I spent enough years telling him what to wear, buying him wife-approved clothing, and hiding clothes I didn’t like. (Okay, I admit my demon buried his polyester golf shirts in the bottom of the pile, even post-surrendering.)

If this level of relinquishing control seems extreme, well, I needed an extreme course correction to get back on—and stay on—my side of the street.

Sadly, he’d gotten used to my being his mother.

As annoying as it must have been, it came with certain perks. He could rest easy knowing I’d take care of making decisions for him.

But it was not a sexy look for me.

I had no idea how disrespectful I was being by not trusting his thinking or accepting his way of doing things. Fortunately, I’m surrounded by teachers (and gifted with a knack for seeing in others what I’m blind to about myself).

I thought I was the only control freak around here, but apparently, it runs in the family. When I’m at the receiving end of the control dynamic, I finally understand how it feels.

All those “helpful” reminders only remind me that I must seem incapable of handling my own trip preparations or summoning the maternal instinct to drive safely.

I know I’m making this all sound easy. And it is—eventually. It just takes plenty of practice to get there.

Luckily, I have the support of other coaches to help me implement The Six Intimacy Skills™.

In the meantime, it’s simple, but definitely not easy.

Just “stay on my paper,” in Laura Doyle speak, the way I kept my eyes on my own paper in school.

A complication does arise when what’s on his paper is on mine too, like his driving or raising our children.

In those cases, I ask myself, “Can I control it? If so, is it worth the intimacy it would cost?”

I can’t control his driving, but fortunately he’s a good driver (and lost the cowbell he used to play while driving to salsa music).

Saying, “Whatever you think,”—or, harder yet, nothing at all—about the kids, however, has led to them going to bed wearing polyester or a shirt on backwards, I confess.

Oh, the horror! (Please don’t tell my mom.)

Somehow, they survived it, though.

The real magic of those three little words is that my demon can put down his pitchfork, leaving me free and serene.

I hope to channel my inner three-year-old in his place by relearning some other crucial words: “I want, I want, I want!”

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I'm Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

15 replies on “Mom Acts Like 3-Year-Old and Gets What She Wants”

I participated in the workshop for the Six Intimacy Skills taught by Stefanie over the summer. It was a real eye-opener and it has given me the tools I need to enjoy a much more peaceful and enriched relationship with my husband. I am letting go of more and more things, leaving me extra time and emotional currency to use on me! It’s a win-win situation in that I’m a much better person to live with when I’m taking good care of myself. I did not want to lose what the workshop ended, so aftercare has kept me on track. Oh, and I should be honest and admit that I did not even want to attend the workshop…I thought I had a good marriage and relationship, and I didn’t see any room for improvement. I was wrong!

Terry, I love this! Thanks so much for sharing. This makes my day! Glad to hear you got so much from the workshop and your wonderful workshop leader Stefanie!

Hi Laura, I most say you are amongs the best inspirational writers around the globe. I am a Muslim, going by a divine book, but your words explains more to me what the Quran even said.
More grease to your elbows.

Hajàra, Thank you! That is high praise. I appreciate the encouragement.

When, where and how can I sign up to your six intimacy skills workshop? I live in northern Kentucky, about 15 minutes from Cincinnati, OH.

Imaculate, I must say!
Who says a potential husband can’t learn from this?
It’s like looking in the mirror and assuming your spouse’s your reflection. Well done, miss Laura Doyle!
Assalamoon alaykoom.

Hi Laura,
Working on building funds to become one of your coaches and participate in longer trainings by you. Your work is the answer to my prayers. Every day I pray for a deeply bonded, love filled joyful marriage. My mentors say “thats not realistic- get out of lala land.” Even our marriage therapist said that. You help me believe what I want can actually happen and it is happening.
As I surrender control and say “Whatever you think” to my sweet gentle husband, he has decided to start his own business where in the past I have questioned him too much about it, showing doubt in its success and it never came to fruition. He has actually taken steps on the ground this time to build it! I’ve been implementing the skills for just 3 weeks! He also feels more respected and me more cherished and peaceful already!
We were on a date last night and one area of control I haven’t been able to release is taking control of our conversations, initiating the topics, asking him questions, choosing what to share and where to take our convo. I always feel like I’m on edge due to fear of awkward silences as he is a non-talkative sweet quiet man. The silences make me feel so uncomfortable and the eye contact during the silence is even more awkward. I try to make it special but it just feels like we both feel weird. Any tips on letting go of control during the convos as it really seems to be blocking authentic intimacy.
Also, I have surrendered control of the finances and as you teach, the fear underneath the control is bubbling to the top. What if I know our finances are out of control, we make half of what we need. Is my surrendering a denial as a coping mechanism? Is it irresponsible of me to totally let go of this? Last night, he even treated me to a nice dinner and I’m thinking I hope we can pay our bills this month! Would be so appreciative of your thougts and have appreciated very much your responses to a few other questions I have asked on other blogs.
(Reading your blogs is part of my self care)

Rachel, I can relate to your situation so much–sounds just like my husband and me. See why I want to The Empowered Wife? Hahaha! Just kidding. The longer you use the Intimacy Skills, the better things get in your marriage, in my experience. It keeps getting better. But it’s can be tricky to do it all by yourself.

You’re definitely on the right track and I love that you have the desire to train further on The Intimacy Skills. There’s so much available from the community of women who are also committed to making their marriages vibrant and amazing. I hear that funds are tight right now but I’d love to see you get some more support. That was vital for me to have that and I want it for you too.

If you haven’t yet attended my webinar on How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life, you’d find it so valuable. You can register here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist

Thank you Laura! I will happily re-watch the webinar – time 3 now!! 🙂
What would you advise I do next in terms of training?

Thank you Laura. I will express my pure desire and see what we can afford. I already expressed a pure desire for to become a trainer and mentioned…$6,000 ish…hubby laughed. Maybe expressing this pure desire is more realistic.
I would really love….
By the way, my intuitive wise mentor told me she could see me being a Laura Doyle trainer – I was so happy!
Also, I am a social worker – do you/will you have CEUs offered at all? I would love to get CEUs under you. (continued education credits).

Rachel, I love that you feel called to be a coach and help end world divorce! I’m working on a CEU program, so I’ll keep you posted if you’re on my email list.

I use to cook breakfast for everyone and serve my husband a plate every time. I gave my child her breakfast and sat down to eat. My husband said, ‘Hey, where’s my plate?” I said, ” You want a wife, not a mother, right?” He smiled.

Tonya, I hear that you must be practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills big time for your husband to respond with a smile when you said that! This sounds like coach material! If you’re curious how your experience could inspire other women, check out https://lauradoyle.org/become-a-coach/.

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