My Husband Hurts My Feelings
Sonya, Laura Doyle Certified Coach
“The problem with you is…”
Ouch. I hate hearing words like that.
Is it bait, an insult, or a bad joke?
For years, I wallowed in hurt that felt so fresh I could tear up practically on demand thinking about how unloved and unappreciated I felt.
What do you do when a lot of the communication toward you feels negative?
I had no idea until I learned this trick for doing away with the jabs for good. Click To Tweet
I tried lots of things to do away with the hurt.
Self-care built up my baseline happiness so the stings didn’t penetrate as deeply.
Becoming more respectful diffused a lot of tense situations. I finally recognized that always aiming to “win” arguments just put us on opposite teams.
Looking for the good and sharing my gratitude built up his baseline satisfaction with us and changed my perspective.
But I still tended to interpret his comments toward me with a negative slant. Even with all these tools, I kept feeling insulted, martyred, and teary.
Then I started adapting the Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy (SFP) in response to the jabs. Basically, I tell myself that he loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me.
I experimented with turning around a complaint into its positive reflection or even into a compliment. I’ve found that swapping an insult for a compliment is an uncanny way to upend an argument.
I reinforce the reality I’d like to see, whether or not it feels perfectly true immediately. When he told me he joked to his coworkers that he could work a holiday to avoid his in-laws, I said, “I know you love being with my family.”
When he wasn’t sure if he’d make a dad event at school, I said, “I know that you love being a dad.”
When he said he had to go to work since my hobby business wouldn’t pay the bills, I said, “I know you value my contribution to the family.”
Recently I was relaying my concerns about the safety of an outdoor platform that was getting rickety and had steep drop-offs on three sides. The conversation was starting to degrade into an argument—which isn’t familiar any more for us now that I’ve adopted the 6 Intimacy Skills™.
I finally just said, “I know you care about our safety” and left it at that. I didn’t have the carpentry skills to reinforce the platform and couldn’t force him to change it, so I had to trust him on that.
I look for the positive heart message and encourage that.
I recently tried to ask him a question, but he couldn’t hear me in the next room. When I came closer to repeat my question, he went on a diatribe about how I need to stop talking when no one can hear me and stop expecting them to know what I’ve said. The lecturing tone of his words was saddening me, so I pulled in closer for a hug and said that I was glad he wants to know what I am saying.
At the airport he reached out his hand and said he wished I’d walk faster and keep up with him. I said, “Oh, you want to walk close to me and be near me?” He responded that he did.
I seek to see his comments in the best possible light and respond from that perspective. When I told him I’d gone on an amazing walk in a beautiful park I rarely visit and how the friend I was with goes there daily, he said, “You should take a walk there every day too.”
I can’t deny it, my first —and familiar—thought was that he just wanted me away from him. In the past, I probably would have come back with “You just don’t want me around.” But this time, in looking at this in the best possible light, I said, “I’m so glad you care about my self-care.”
Another day I said, “I think I might take a shower.” He responded, “You should take a shower.” On a low self-care day, my old self would’ve gotten teary to hear this affirmation/insult. But instead I said, “I’m glad you care about my cleanliness.”
My husband still looks at me a little funny when I give him a hopeful compliment in response to his remarks, but he always seems a bit prouder that I’m thinking well of him too.
Instead of getting defensive or debating, I acknowledge the positive side of his comment. When he complained about my lack of tidiness, I said, “I’m so glad you are watching me so closely.” Past retorts about all I do around the house, how overwhelmed I felt, and how other people have housekeepers had all fallen flat.
When he gave a disapproving glance at my vintage outfit, I smiled playfully and said, “I’m glad you notice what I wear.”
I’ve also used humor to reframe. Returning home from a weekend trip, I was greeted by a funky smell in the kitchen. I went around trying to sniff out the source while talking about the problem. My husband said, “I didn’t notice a smell until you got home.” I could have taken it personally, but I replied, “That’s amazing that your senses are heightened in my presence.”
Then there was the time I backed over the mailbox. It was a big oops. I felt I needed to confess quickly, so I started texting him some gratitude through an SFP: “I am thankful that you are understanding and have a good sense of humor. The good news is that the car seems fine, the bad news is the mailbox not so much.”
He DID respond with humor and fixed it that day!
Amusingly, he recently started giving me some self-fulfilling prophecies of his own. When he was in a grumpy mood and I remarked that this wasn’t like him, he told me, “But I’m always nice.” I began repeating that when his behavior wasn’t reinforcing his own mantra for himself. I said, “I don’t understand how this is happening because you’re always nice.”
Another time he told me that he always loves me and wants to spend time with me. I used to tell myself this as an SFP, and now he’s saying it back to me!
By deflecting jabs into admiring compliments and smiles, the happiness threshold in my life has risen.
In the process, the occurrence of such harsh words has diminished. Has the bait stopped since he isn’t getting a rise from me any longer? Or has he turned positive? Or am I just in a happier place where I am focusing on what serves me?
Regardless of the reason why, our communication has reordered in a good way.
I’ve discovered that it doesn’t serve me to dwell on my disappointment and nurture my hurts. He really is a good guy and so often I’d been looking for the ugly evidence, not for the good. I’m a lot happier when I give him the benefit of the doubt and try to rebound.
And in response to “the problem with you is…,” I can now state positively that I’m so glad he gets me and loves me in spite of my shortcomings.
How could you find the hidden compliment behind the comment while trusting your partner’s love and commitment? I’d love to hear in the comments below.
39 replies on “My Husband Hurts My Feelings”
Laura, thank you for this article but how do respond to a statement from your husband “I just don’t love you the way a husband should love his wife”? My husband is so fixated on “how bad I am” that he already has negative actions/descriptions of me even when I didn’t do them in reality. He refuse to accept the fact but rather go with his twisted thoughts to hate me. We are now separated and he wants out. I feel very helpless. It feels like the more I tried, the more he pushed me away. And now, I’m just staying away cause I cannot take the verbal abuse from him any longer. An exasperated wife but trying not to loose hope.
I usually wake up early with the children and let my husband sleep. But sometimes I ask him if he could wake up with them. At 2AM this morning our 3 year old woke me up and I was up with him for a little while. So I was very tired when he came into our room at 6AM this morning and got into our bed with us. I said to my husband, “Could you be with the kids this morning?” He said, “What?” about 5 times. Then he said, “OK.” When our 6 year old began calling for me at 6:30, and my husband didn’t get up, I asked him if he would and he didn’t. I got up and kind of went back and forth between our bed and the kids dealing with them as my husband stayed in bed, and I asked him again if he could be with them. He finally did get up but I was already too awake to slide back into sleep. Later he said to me, “You chastised me this morning.” And he also said, “I think you need a coffee drip as soon as you open your eyes.” In the past, I would have been defensive and there would have been an argument. Now, because of the skills, I did not say much. But if I wanted to turn his insults and criticisms into the positive I could have said, “Thank you for taking care of the kids this morning” which he did end up doing, just too late. Or “Thank you for noticing that I like coffee.” Or “ Thank you for listening when I needed to rest some more.”
I am trying to hook in to what you’re saying.
I don’t really see it.
Your comments back to your husband almost sound sarcastic. When he said “you SHOULD take a shower”, and you responded – I’m glad you care about my cleanliness – it almost sounds like you’re sending a jab back, not complementing him.
In any case, I’m glad it’s working for you.
Definitely something to think about.
I think this is a great teaching! So helpful.
It’s all about the tone with which something is said. The same words can sound sarcastic or sincere/tender depending on one’s tone and facial expression.
This is great advice if you’d like to become a professional doormat.
Good tips about offering compliments to your spouse. However, do you notice that you were always the one extending yourself to help him. Don’t you get tired of over extending, I do. It seems that if you stop the marriage crashes…so is it that you are the only one who wants it? Shouldn’t be so.
Perhaps I am taking this wrong, but I had an abusive and neglectful childhood. Whilst the idea of assuming the best and affirming the best in our partner is sound and good advice, I have real concerns that someone could use the method you are describing to excuse and stay in an abusive relationship.
My thoughts too.
Why does keeping a marriage together need to involve bad behaviour?
If it is not working why must you remain in it?
This seems sad to me.
Thank you, Sonya, for your honest and realistic asessment. For me this is more encouraging and realistic than reports by women whose husbands suddenly do all the housework for them after applying the 6 skills. This is a more reachable goal for me. Blessings to you and Laura.
These are such creative ways to answer!! Thanks for all those tips :-).
Thank you so much for the detailed examples of what you did at different situations, Sonya. I really learned a lot from your post. I will try my best to do what you taught in the post. And I believe that this will work for me too. Thank you so much for sharing!! 🙂
This was a great article and very appropriate for me today. I’ve been having an issue with my husband and am having trouble turning it around. It is a bit like when you said something in the kitchen and he couldn’t hear you, except it is my husband who says things, either in another room, or when I am too close to the noisy fan or the stereo, and I don’t hear what he says. I can hear that he is talking, but I cannot make out his words. He says I need a hearing aid when I come to him and ask him to repeat what he said. He gets frustrated and angry that he has to repeat himself. I’ve commented that I was too near the fan to hear him, or I was too near the radio, or that he was speaking away from me, so I didn’t make out what he said. But even with these, he continues to speak instead of wait until I come near. Do you have any suggestions on how to turn this around into a positive?
I grew up in a family where we said things from the other room and my husband gets very frustrated about it. It was only through him ignoring me (and I did get Very Angry at first) but over time I realised I was being unreasonable and needed to learn new habits. I’m grateful for this and other lessons, although hard, as they have helped me relate better to others outside my family.
How do you respond when they tell you to shut up?
Wow! This is hard! I feel so devalued by my husband daily. I have such built up hurt. My first response is sadness like another comment said, but I am beginning to experience the value in thinking and responding differently than I have been. It’s good for me. It’s good for my husband. It’s good for my children. I will work at hearing the good in what my husband is saying to me. Surrender-meek and quiet.
I want to thank you so much for your story today. It really hit home. I hope this will help me get through my similar situation. I’ve been trying so hard to get through the hurt and resentment. He keeps telling me I take a lot of what he says wrong. The things that hurt the most is that I can make a suggestion about doing something or going somewhere but he says no. Then someone else makes the same suggestion and he’s lets do it with them.
Thankyou Sonya for sharing. Praise God this was an answer to prayer. I love your persistence and sense of humor. Exactly what I needed to hear.
I love this article. It gives me very concrete things to do when my husband Jabs me with his words. I know he loves me very much. I’m going to start looking for the best in his comments when they’re negative. Last night I used this idea for the first time. He criticized me because I don’t like the same type of music he does. And I responded that I know he accepts me for who I am. I was able to go to sleep without tears.
It may sound so simple but I bet it’s so frustrating and draining. However it is worth trying and thank you for sharing.
I am encouraged that I am not the only one that has a husband that talks to me this way. Some of those comments were exactly what I have been told by my husband and I am very blessed to see the use of positivity to stay happy and confident. I believe if we women tell ourselves to focus on the positive, without the sarcasm, but truly from a sincere heart shoot back with those types of comments that are uplifting, we are bound to change the tune of our husbands hurtful words! I love it and have learned from this! Thank you so much! Practice positivity … great advice to heed!!!
My husband and I are both born again Christians. We are both on worship team & are members of a very loving church family. We seem to know what God’s definition of marriage should be, I’ve shared many teachings & sermons with him to which he responds with gratitude yet we struggle almost daily with communication & intimacy. We work together during the summer months so we spend a lot of time together. He’s a good man, hard worker, & a good stepfather to my children who are now adults. We can talk about pretty much everything with one exception: us!
We tried marriage counseling once but he hated her method so he decided we wouldn’t go back. This was a desperate attempt to save our marriage after a fight that caused us to separate & consider divorce a few years ago. We lived in the same house but apart & rarely saw each other. The walls we put up along with the silent treatment was destructive to say the least. He’s only affectionate when we’re getting along but it’s always sexual and it’s hurtful because I want him to see ME and not just my body. When I tell him “that’s all you see? ” he becomes offended & then grows cold. He keeps his distance & I become invisible. I’m turning 54 this year & pre-menopausal so I’m very emotional, have always been insecure, I cry easily, even at my desk in the office & while sitting beside him in the car, & sometimes sitting in church beside him…. to which he never comments or extends affection or compassion & I feel he purposefully chooses not to notice because he’s big on avoiding confrontation. He’s back to the “you get what you give” mentality so I hurt quietly, I cry secretly. I don’t hide my feelings well & he can tell when I’m upset our if I’ve been ???? but doesn’t address it. In my head I call him clueless & coward & the resentment continues to grow. We can manage to get along as long as I don’t bring up our marital issues. I get nervous & tongue tied & it all comes out the wrong way so I keep quiet & suffer in silence. Yes, this is destructive behavior & lately I’ve been feeling very depressed & flooded with sadness but no so much when he and I are “in a good place” so I definitely know that he is the reason I feel the way that I do. My daughter is 22yrs old & majoring in psychology at Liberty Univ online… She tells me he displays signs of being a narcissist which is disturbing to me. I pray to God for help, I seek His guidance & pray for wisdom. I ask Him to help me be the wife my husband needs but also to unharden his heart & to help him be the husband God intended for me to have. It’s so hard to be loving to a husband & to submit when he who lacks compassion & at times kindness. I know I’m not alone in this department & I ???? we can all get answers to help us through this journey in this life. God bless!!
This is the best post I’ve read on this blog, all of you’re examples really helped me understand the concept of replacing negative comebacks with positive thinking. I wish more posts were written this way, with so many examples. For example, something about self-card and something about how to get your husband to help out around the house. I wake up every morning to 20 minutes of picking up my hisband’s things. I hate it, I hate sitting around waiting for him to do it because he just lets it pile up, I hate picking it up and I am really trying to duct tape and stay on my side of the road and focus on self-care. Sorry, I know that was a bit of a rant, some examples would be great. Thank you again for the post.
I think listening for the heart message is key. When my husband would be harsh to me because I was late and didn’t call, for instance, I would try to remember to say, “Thank you for caring about my safety.” Then, out of respect, I would call to let him know I was going to be late, as I would like to be called out of courtesy. It’s difficult and not easy to keep up with but the mantra “choose being kind over being right” also helps.
After 43 years will try anything !
Hi Coach Sonya,
I’m so glad I read your article yesterday.
Last night my husband was criticizing me for several mistakes we made together on his work invoices.
Although I was unable to think of or say a positive spin in the moment, I remembered your article and felt inspired by your example.
I listened to my husband talk without interrupting or defending myself.
My feelings were hurt at first and I felt angry for being blamed, but it was worth the extra effort to listen respectfully & trust that he loves and thinks the best of me.
This faith helped me avoid an ugly argument, lots of tears, & unnecessary heartache.
His invoice complaint was quickly dropped & the subject changed. I’m happy to say that we went on to enjoy a warm, loving rest of the evening together!
Thank you for sharing your story.
– Stephanie, 2 months into the SWEW Diamond program
Sonya,
*Wow* Are you in my life or what? I’ve been waiting to read about someone else’s husband who is like mine with his words. Your husband sounds more difficult in an intractable way – and I appreciate that because that’s the kind I’ve got at home. Someone said “this sounds sad” and from their side of the road it might be. But when you’re in it to win it – meaning you’re not going to get divorced and you’re not going to live in misery anymore either then you’ve got one choice. Change yourself.
I’ve started using the SFP in more ways like you describe and it’s really helping! When he says “I’m sanding the board because she’s so picky” I say to him in front of his friend “He is so thoughtful and takes such good care of me!” When I fuss that I am out in public without makeup he says “You’re just worried about what other people think” and I reply “You don’t mind because you always think I am beautiful!” and he responds “Yes!” I also use “ouch” and this also works for the harsher things he says. I am trying to teach him how to treat me in a safe and effective way because I haven’t been good about doing that. With him or anyone else for that matter! So I am learning. (Thank you Laura and coaches!) I have a long road to haul but on top of this hard work, he’s easy work in other ways (he’s loyal, drug free, hard working, handsome, a good dad) and I love him and I’m not leaving him. So, if you’re in it to win it with a man who has no verbal filter, try this skill and check out Laura Doyle’s books. And read Laura’s article on Narcissists if you think it might apply to you, too.
I did not realize that there are so many wives with similar difficulties!
Thank you everyone for sharing such intimate info. I often feel belittled by my h. His ugly comments and akward moodswings get me offguard every time, even though we’ve been married for 10 years. I’m beginning to think that just maybe the way I respond to him brings on this behaviour. I’m not sure how to get the hang of SFP. My self esteem feels pretty low right now, and I am afraid that if I apologize I will be making myself vulnerable to being blamed in the future.
Thank you for this, my marriage nearly collapsing but I will try this
Sonya, I am of mixed feelings about your post. I am in a committed relationship with a man who seems to take little jabs at me. He gets really frustrated with me at time and says ” why can’t you remember all the positive things I say to you?” He does say a lot of positive things. But just as often he says things that are demeaning or at least seem so to me. He constantly affirms to me that he doesn’t say things with the intent to hurt me. But after a while, that feels irrelevant because things he says DO hurt. In many ways he is a good guy. Because he sees himself as having no hurtful intent and doing right by me, which he does in a lot of ways, he is very resistant to accepting that he often seems to need to make little jabs that are in fact, hurtful.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, seems sarcastic and that’s why I love this approach more! Lol, thanks for everyone else who shared their story in the comments, it looks effective. It’s tricky to react positively when someone has hurt your feelings, but it’s even worse reacting negatively because you end up more hurt. I’m into make love not war
I know this method works, but I find it difficult to keep it up year after year, day after day…. I just wish my relationship with my husband could be authentically loving and kind and not so scripted for the purpose of appeasing his moods and comments. Yes, this method does make the days easier on the whole, but what I have found is that, for me, it does not genuinely last or make genuine change…..often time I wonder…”am I not just enabling him?” but maybe that is what my marriage is essentially….just one big enabling experiment….who can enable who??…..I am genuinely a positive person, so this method feels natural to some degree, but for some reason I am not a doormat either…..or a doormat that can clean and sweep herself with a positive comeback or approach…..I am a real woman who wants real love….the real question for me is, “Do I really even know what real love is with a man? and…don’t I already have it with my husband? and I just don’t know how to feel or see or appreciate it?” This is what keeps me in this marriage….the desperate fear that what I have is actually what love is……I hope so because I have no intention of getting a divorce.
Wow, I’m glad I read this article. You are very mature to have even thought to respond that way because that is not easy! My first response is to defend myself because I don’t want to be hurt of course. I’ve been learning more about myself and how my own actions effect others. My mom would always say, “Kill them with kindness!” I understood what she meant but never in this type of situation. Sometimes you get more from someone like this that may have a difficult time putting their own feelings into actual words. They don’t want to look vulnerable so by you helping them in a non judgmental way they can do that and you get what you need too! Awesome. Smart lady. Thank you again. I’ll do my best and keep at it.
Wow it’s amazing how you had the strength to twist such comments to work for you and I’m glad to hear that it helped. Why didn’t you use “ouch” though? I thought that’s what you should do if he hurts your feelings…
Just to add to what I just posted…
I don’t think guys always realize how much they can hurt us and I would prefer to let my guy know that he’s causing me pain so that he’ll stop doing it. And rather enforce the purely positive with praise so he doesn’t think I’m enjoying or approving the hurtful remarks…
Him: “Remember when you created a bunch of drama yesterday about nothing? Are you doing that again?”
Me: “Thank you for keeping track of all of my transgressions and for reminding me when I start up again. You truly care about taking care of us and I love you for that.”
Thank you, Sonya! This technique is a game changer for me! I appreciate your vunerability. Hugs.
Wow, you deserve a medal, HML! Your dignity is remarkable.
Sonya, this is such a fabulous article. I have needed something like this for a long time. Our husbands sound very similar. I have been practicing the Six Intimacy Skills for awhile, and I have the same feelings toward my husband that you described you were having towards yours. This is going to take some practice, but it gives me hope of feeling stronger and happier. Thank you so much!
To the ladies reading this article, don’t miss that Sonya said she used self-care, respect, and gratitude also. These are part of the Six Intimacy Skills. They do work. She was already in a better place when she used her spouse-fulfilling prophecies she shares with us. It doesn’t mean you have to wait to use them. Sometimes ideas like these seem like we are pandering to our husbands, but when done in sincerity with the right heart, you will be surprised how well he receives them. Plus, it may be so different than he is used to, that he will relish a change.