From A No Sex Marriage to Playful and Passionate Again
Kathy Murray, Senior Relationship Coach
Having a sexless marriage before I learned the intimacy skills had me feeling so unattractive.
Before I read Laura’s book The Surrendered Wife, my husband wasn’t interested in making love to me. We fought about it all the time. I felt so unattractive and undesired…which made me feel depressed and lonely.
Like so many women I talk to with struggling relationships, I went to see a counselor to help me figure out how I could make my husband pay attention to me. I felt horrible about myself and blamed him for our lack of intimacy. I’d complain every week to the counselor, and she just took my money and booked appointment after appointment, never helping me see my side of the street, or anything I should do differently.
I was shocked to learn what the real problem was.
It happened when Laura’s book came into my life.
As I turned each page, I cried, “How could Laura know so much about my situation?” She was just like me, and for the first time I realized I might have everything to do with why my husband resorted to watching TV, doing yard work and playing ice hockey over making love to me.
Reading Laura’s book gave me a glimmer of hope.
Since I wasn’t getting anywhere but broke with the counselor, I fired her and hired Laura instead.
Laura graciously and generously agreed to meet with me when I wrote to her begging her to teach me her Six Intimacy Skills™. Laura didn’t pass out judgements or criticisms as I told her how badly I’d treated my husband: You know, nasty comments, rolled eyes and thinking I was superior to him. That kind of treatment. The “no wonder my husband doesn’t want to make love to me” kind of treatment.
Instead, Laura listened with a generous understanding heart and said “you can do this.” I wanted desperately to save my own marriage and knew if I could teach other women – like she talked about doing in her living room – I could keep the skills she taught me alive for myself.
That was fourteen years ago.
I’ve kept the skills alive in my marriage for all these years because I help other women have what I now have.
My husband and I enjoy an intimate, passionate, peaceful relationship where we have fun, hold hands and can’t keep our hands off each other.
My secret is being a Relationship Coach, where I get to have ongoing support and a structure for practicing the intimacy skills while helping other women do the same.
Not only do we no longer suffer from a sexless marriage, my husband (the same one I almost divorced) is the most attentive, generous, helpful husband a wife could ever dream of having.
This transformation is like a fairy tale story that I would have never dreamed possible without the support of Laura and her amazing intimacy skills.
But that wasn’t the only transformation I experienced – it changed my professional life forever too. I could no longer hide out as the CFO of a private school once I started to open my heart to the skills and to who I really am. I was so passionate about The Intimacy Skills that I knew it was what I was meant to do. Whenever I speak to a woman on the phone about the skills, I know that I’m where I’m meant to be.
Being a Relationship Coach allows me the opportunity to work from home and travel to visit my kids and grandkids because all I need is my phone and laptop. I set my own hours and get to feel purposeful and fulfilled when I witness another woman save her marriage like I saved mine.
Just last year, I was able to help my girlfriend of more than forty years save her 27-year marriage from divorce.
As a Relationship Coach, her maid of honor, and a long time student of Laura’s work I felt a sense of duty and responsibility to share Laura’s work with her. I told her that I believed if she was willing to try something she’d never considered before, she could save her marriage too.
Without Laura’s Coach Training program, I would have never had enough courage to share my own story and invite my friend to try the skills.
In Coach Training we learn how to effectively invite other women to discover that they are the keepers of their relationship and therefore have all the power to turn things around.
Like me, my friend thought it was all her husband’s fault – until she learned the skills.
Not only did my friend try the skills and save her marriage, she also trained to become a coach. Now we get to support each other and bask in the delight of our happy marriages. Just a few months ago, we lead a workshop together, and attended Laura’s “Cherished for Life” Retreat together. The connection and shared passion for this work has taken our friendship to a whole new level.
So many women are suffering in their relationships needlessly – just like I was, and my friend was and so many women who reach out to Laura from all around the world still are.
We understand because we once suffered too, but with the intimacy skills and the support from Coach Training, we can come together as women and empower and support each other in being our best selves.
I’m honored to stand by Laura’s side helping to fulfill her mission to end world divorce.
24 replies on “From A No Sex Marriage to Playful and Passionate Again”
Kathy, how long did it take before physical intimacy was restored in your marriage? Also, have you found the intimacy skills to be helpful in this area with other women you’ve worked with? So many online forums suggest that sexless marriages don’t get better.
Anne,
It only took days to restore the physical intimacy in my marriage. It started with him putting his hand on my shoulder and saying, “you were so nice today,” on the first day. It was significant–I thought, “Holy smokes!” I was pleasantly surprised and so relieved.
Next, I crawled in bed with him for the first time in months. I had been sleeping in the guest room because I was so hurt that he wouldn’t have sex with me. A couple days later the sex was back.
The Intimacy Skills are definitely helpful with other women in this area! Including my best friends and my daughters and clients I work with. I’m moved to tears when I get the opportunity to see another woman restore the intimacy in her marriage. It really works. We see it all the time. Recently one woman reported that they weren’t having any sex and now they have it several times a week.
Don’t you believe those other forums. Those women haven’t yet practiced the Six Intimacy Skills. If they did, they could have intimacy today.
Kathy Murray
Anne, please don’t let those negative folks online discourage you! I can’t believe people would rather say it’s impossible to heal a sexless marriage than admit that we women destroy the attraction inadvertently!!!!
Back to your question 🙂 I think it depends on the situation, really! In my case it took 9 months but there’s a reason: my husband opened up to me in a matter of weeks about his depression and financial crisis! I HAD COMPLETELY NO IDEA! he didn’t feel safe to share any of that with me.. The depression improved & financial crisis averted & so the passion was back.. In total, there was was no passion for 21 months but those 9 months though we’re sooooo great it was not an issue somehow 🙂 gifts and travel and sweet thoughtful gestures! I realise my case may be extreme but I still think it’s worth sharing 🙂 good luck!
Hello Laura, can you share the experience of a wife whose husband is in an affair and has successfully use the intimacy skill to win her husband back, save their marriage and made the husband leave the other woman.
Emma, did you see this blog?
http://lauradoyle.org/blog/my-husband-had-an-affair-now-what/
Do you believe a relationship can be saved even after your husband has bluntly told you he’s no longer attracted to you?
Anne, that’s one of the most common situations we get around here, and using The 6 Intimacy Skills works every time. When he says he’s not attracted to you, what he means is he doesn’t feel respected or appreciated, and he’s tired of feeling unsuccessful with making you happy. Bring back the Girl of Fun and Light that you are and it all changes for the better. It doesn’t have to take a long time!
Hi Anne,
My husband not only told me he was not attracted to me anymore, but that 1) he felt that we no longer were intellectually compatible, whereas we once were; 2) he had nothing in common with me anymore (extracurricular activities); and 3) seeing me across a crowded room no longer soothed him. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. It was a long path to finding Laura, and then another path to learning the skills, but now my husband can’t get enough of me. And I am absolutely the best version of myself, not that complaining, eye-rolling, playing mind-game wife I was a few years ago. Now, I focus on what I can control, my happiness, and not about ridiculous things I can’t control, like how he parents or eats his cereal. It’s the little things that add up to big things. Don’t lose the faith! You can do it!
Thank you Kathy, Laura and Lady Aye for your hopeful words!
I really feel unsuccessful with making him happy. And from the outside he looks like the perfect husband. He is amazing and takes the lead in parenting many times. I on the other hand am lauded as a workaholic. Does this still work in a complicated narrative.
Irene, Yes! It works when you stop focusing on him and start focusing on making yourself happy. It’s the most important thing. I know it sounds crazy. You might consider having a discovery call. You can apply here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
Kathy Murray
My husband told me last night he won’t have sex with me until I loose 20 pounds (I had a baby several months ago). I feel destroyed.
Anne, that is SO painful! Sorry to hear. I can see why you feel that way. Let me know how I can support you in restoring the emotional safety in your marriage for you both.
Thank you Laura. Just any suggestions you have would be helpful. Do you have any examples of women who have heard something like this and managed to get things back on track?
Anne, I do hear lots of examples of women who are in situations like yours that completely turn around and become passionate, tender and emotionally safe again. We see it all the time. Respect is the best aphrodisiac for men, and the Girl of Fun and Light is who he fell in love with. When those aspects of your relationship are restored, things fall into place in a great way.
Laura –
Unless I’ve missed something, all these comments are from women whose husbands pay no attention to them. How about when the shoe is on the other foot? My 46 yr old wife of 18 years, for the second time in 3 years, is on the verge of leaving me. She tells me it’s her, not me. That there is something broken inside her and that she wishes it wasn’t that way. She wants to have things work out, but I don’t see any effort being displayed by her. I truly am a wonderful person/husband. Just ask her, she’ll agree. I’m everything a woman can ask for (except, I’m barely 5’10” 😀 ). Seriously…
I’ll be the first to admit that our kissing styles are different (in all honesty, her’s is different), but, while frustrating, my love for her far and away exceeds the frustration. Apparently, she thinks our relationship has gone platonic. We are married best friends that until a few months ago sleep with and engage in other sexual activities with each other. How is that platonic?
Please help me!!! I don’t know what to do any longer
Gary, Unfortunately I would only be able to help your wife. I have a blog that doesn’t directly describe your situation, but if you can apply the latter part of it, it might just be the help you’re looking for. You can find it here:
https://lauradoyle.org/?s=How+to+get+your+wife+to+stop+nagging
Kathy how long was the physical intimacy gone in your marriage before you got it back?
Anne, it was about six months for us, but we see women with even longer dry spells be able to turn things around with The Six Intimacy Skills.
Kathy
I have been living in a little to no sex marriage for almost 15 years. It started before we even got married. The latest time has been almost 2 years. Before that it was only when we were trying to conceive that he would have sex with me. There has only been one point in our relationship that he was sexual and that only last about 4-6 months. He was eating more healthy and lost some weight. We have 3 children, 10,7 and 3. If I weren’t for them I’m sure I would have left by now to find happiness. I don’t know what to do as I now feel trapped as a Stay at home mom. Is there any hope? Or do I call it quits?
Rhonda, Sounds painful and lonely alright! But there’s definitely hope. Consider applying for a complimentary discovery call to determine the best next move for your marriage, your sex life and your kids! This is completely solvable. You hold the key.
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Can a marriage be restore if husband is manipulating, and always saying bad things to me?
Jessica, I’m sorry to hear that your husband is manipulating you and saying bad things to you. That sounds so hurtful. I love your vulnerability in reaching out for support and your commitment to your marriage. Harsh words were the norm in my relationship until I found the 6 Intimacy Skills. They empowered me to create a culture of respect in my marriage and to get back the man I had married. Your marriage can be restored too. I would love to help you get the respect you deserve. I’ll give you the tools in
my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I’ve started practicing your method and now my husband wants to have too much sex. Meanwhile I’m still not getting the thank you, the appreciation and offers of help that you say should happen. He looks very happy which is nice to see but I was hoping for some practical support and appreciation. I don’t enjoy having so much sex, it feels like extra chore now… What do you suggest?