The Scary New Year’s Resolution that Will Actually Save Your Marriage

By

Laura Doyle

By Laura Doyle

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Laura Doyle is a New York Times Bestselling Author, Relationship Expert, Host of The Empowered Wife Podcast at Laura Doyle Connect.

| Updated: 01/01/2024

If you’re anything like I was, this isn’t the first year you’ve resolved to improve your relationship. I said it year after year because I was so stuck and didn’t know what to do to get my husband to pay attention to me, be more affectionate, and be more responsible.

But this new year, your marriage can actually be different. And I don’t mean because you’re going to try harder. That never works, but it is very tiring. I’m tired just thinking about trying harder.

Going to counseling won’t make this year any better than last year either, in my experience. Many couples who get marriage counseling end up separated or divorced anyway.

It won’t be because you decide to be more giving and supportive to your man. I know you hear that everywhere, but in my experience, that’s not the road you want to go down in the new year.

Not if you want your marriage to last and thrive. And who doesn’t want that?

Here are 3 things that changed everything at my house and will make your relationship vibrant and shiny this new year.

1. Find a Safe Place to Share What’s Happening

When I was near divorce, I tried to keep our troubles under wraps so no one else would know how messed up we were.

I thought I was hiding the hostility pretty well, but looking back, I wasn’t about to be nominated for an Academy Award. People who knew me knew something was up.

I was trying to keep up appearances, which was exhausting.

It wasn’t until I started telling the truth to some of my friends—embarrassing and shameful as I thought it was—that I got the breakthrough I dreamed of.

When I finally admitted to some close friends that there was no sex, that we were having cold wars for days, and that I thought I’d made a mistake when I married him, I was terrified that I would be kicked out of the tribe and left for the wolves.

Instead, I started to get the support I needed—support that had eluded me when I was acting like we were the perfect couple. Looking back, I can see how acting like everything was fine made it seem like I didn’t need any support because I already had all the answers.

For me, and for many wives I’ve talked to, there’s magic in living out loud—in telling trustworthy people the truth about where I’m feeling hopeless, broken or overwhelmed.

Kathy Murray squirmed like a third grader who had just eaten all her Halloween candy when she first shared with me that her marriage was sexless. She felt ashamed that maybe she wasn’t desirable to her husband, so she didn’t want anyone to know. But trying to keep up appearances wasn’t working for her either.

So she took a risk and shared the truth with me. I was in no position to judge her because we’d had the same problem at my house! So Kathy was so relieved to tell that secret because it busted the shame and let her know she wasn’t the only one. And since I related to her, she could see the challenge in a new way. It was not something to be ashamed of, but something she could get support with and even fix in her marriage, which is exactly what she did.

There was so much healing in her sharing vulnerably with me that she then shared the same thing from a stage, live in front of a whole audience of strangers. And that was freeing too.

That’s why she shared that tender information about her marriage with the BBC, who featured her in their 100 Women series. And guess what, it went viral on several continents. Now the entire world knows about the inner workings of her marriage when it was at its worst.

Today Kathy is a master relationship coach. She not only has the marriage of her dreams, her living out loud has been crucial for saving so many other marriages around her.

She’s an incredible inspiration to so many.

None of it was possible until she opened her mouth and told the truth.

2. Know You’re Not Alone

But Kathy is not the norm. There’s a divorce every 13 seconds in the United States. All of those divorces started out as hopeful marriages, full of promise and possibility. Then things went kablooey.

So if you’ve suffered in your marriage and felt lost and wondered what to do about it, you’re definitely not the only one.

You’re not the first to worry that you may need to divorce, that it may be hopeless—or that he may divorce you. But being another statistic is no comfort at all.

Being part of a club of women who have felt the same way—and are now enjoying a great connection, tenderness and laughter—however, is inspiring.

If you hang out at the hair salon, you’re probably going to get a haircut. Hang out with women who are learning to create connection, tenderness and passion, and that will rub off on you, too.

I’ve found that the environment I put myself in matters. I’m a social creature, and I feel safest and strongest when I’m with a like-minded tribe.

So joining a club of wives who have been in the doldrums with their relationship and are now getting love letters every day or being told how pretty they look in their pajamas while they’re petting the cat or being whisked away on romantic getaways is powerful.

One such club is the Ridiculously Happy Wife program. That’s what we do in there. We admit the painful things happening at home. And we share what worked to transform that pain.

3. Join the Club!

Ridiculously Happy Wife is a group coaching program and a community of like-minded women who are all focusing on using their formidable feminine powers to make their relationships playful and passionate.

Some RHWs have just arrived on our campus, and many others have been practicing The 6 Intimacy Skills™ along with the Connection Framework for years.

All of us have committed to becoming our best selves so we can have the best relationships.

That’s what it means to be a member of RHW—that you’re learning and practicing skills that nurture intimacy while being authentic in your relationship so you can make your marriage last and thrive.

Some women joined RHW right when everything looked the most hopeless—there was an affair, a separation, a divorce pending.

Others just want the sizzle back.

All of them find a sisterhood of women who support them making their relationships magical.

I’m so grateful to belong to this club and our community of relationship coaches. Because having that support is what finally gave me the marriage I have now. Just as runners have running clubs, speakers have speaking clubs, and investors have investment clubs, I want to belong to a club that supports me in having an amazing, vibrant marriage forever.

If I were just starting with fixing my marriage, knowing what I know now, my New Year’s resolution would be to give myself the support of a like-minded community, full of women who think that marriage is important. Because it is!

And that’s exactly what I wish for you and yours in the new year! Happy New Year! Let’s make it a playful and passionate one.

What’s your resolution for your relationship? I’d love to hear below.

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I'm Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

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