Talking about Feelings

5 Communication Myths that Are Ruining Your Relationship

You already know that talking about feelings is the key to having a good relationship with someone you love.

But if you’re anything like I was, sometimes expressing your feelings starts a big fight, leaving you feeling like it’s not safe to share your inner self.

It’s crummy. Here you are revealing your truth and the response you get from the person who’s supposed to love and support you is distance or downright disregard.

There’s no lonelier feeling.

Fortunately, I’ve uncovered some common myths about communicating that were hurting my relationship. Now that I know how to talk about my feelings while increasing the connection with my husband, I want everyone else to know too!

Here are 5 communication myths that are ruining your relationship:

1. Feelings Are Always Okay to Share

This is one I used to swear by.

As long as I started a sentence with “I feel…” I thought I was in the clear because I was just talking about my feelings.

I would say things like “I feel like you don’t do enough of the housework” or “I feel like you never want to spend time with me.”

I believed this was not only okay but completely necessary. After all, it was how I felt, which is always valid to share.

Problem was I wasn’t sharing my feelings in those statements–only criticisms of my husband. On careful examination, those sentences have nothing to do with how I was actually feeling. I didn’t say I felt overwhelmed with all the housework or that I was lonely, which are actual feeling words.

I was just putting the words “I feel” at the beginning and saying any damn thing I wanted after that.

No wonder I wasn’t getting a great response! I was just taking potshots at him then wondering why he was so hostile whenever I tried to talk to him.

Now I know if I use the word “like” after I start talking about my feelings, I’m probably about to roam down a dark alley. At the very least, I’m not being emotionally honest.

Today I strive to express my feelings about myself (not him) by using a feeling word such as “sad,” “frustrated” or “grateful.”

It’s amazing how tenderly my husband responds when I do.

2. Saying “We” and “Us” Keeps Things Friendly

Another thing I used to do trying talk my way out of the relationship ditch we were in was to include us both.

I’d say things like “We need to talk,” “We don’t know how to communicate,” and “Both of us got upset.”

I let him know “We need to work on things.”

I thought including us both would make the conversation feel safer because I wasn’t pointing fingers.

The problem is I was placing blame, cleverly disguised by the word “we.”

Or so I thought. My chicanery was about as effective as a toddler hiding a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

I was broadcasting the subtext “You need to listen to me” or “You upset me” or “You need to work on our relationship.”

These days I try to stick to what’s true for me, which means saying “I” and “me.”

This is how that sounds: “I got upset” or “I’m grumpy today and everything is bugging me.”

Or I might say, “I’m nervous about giving this big talk tomorrow.”

No criticism or finger pointing in sight.

3. In a Good Relationship, You Share Everything

I can just imagine that if someone had suggested that I keep some things from my husband early in my marriage, I would have snidely said, “We talk about everything!”

I believed this was the mark of a good relationship. There shouldn’t be any secrets. Not if you loved each other.

Now I see things a little differently.

Let’s say my husband makes a mistake that seems easily preventable. I might keep my comments to myself at that moment instead of saying, “Didn’t you notice the hatchback was still open when you closed the garage door?”

I’m not keeping a secret exactly. Just leaving him room to exercise his right to be wrong without giving him grief about it, even if I’m thinking it.

Yes, we talk about a lot, but some things I share with other women instead.

For example, my husband is not that interested in–nor does he have much to say about–the physical aspects of being a woman, whereas I am endlessly fascinated by that topic.

Lucky for me, I have two sisters and several girlfriends who are also interested and can contribute to those conversations.

4. Happy Couples Have Long Conversations about Their Relationship

I sure fell for this one a long time, wasting a lot of time creating unnecessary drama and anguish by trying to force long talks. My husband resisted these State of the Union addresses mightily.

No wonder–I wanted to focus on what was wrong, which only made those things bigger and more glaring.

Thankfully, I finally wised up.

The only conversations we have about our relationship now are super short. It’s when one of us says, “Gee, we sure have a great relationship.”

I say that not to brag (well, maybe a little) but because keeping things short and sweet has helped make the relationship great.

There’s nothing to say to my husband about our relationship that would take a long time.

There are things I desire, which I express by saying “I would love…” then telling him the final outcome I want.

There are things I can’t do without feeling resentful or costing me self-care, which I communicate by saying simply “I can’t.”

Sometimes I share about my day or ask to borrow his brain or reminisce about great times we had together.

We talk about our dreams and schemes and gossip about the neighbors and make up storylines for the rabbits in the backyard.

But as far as the relationship? There’s just not much to discuss. So we don’t–and it’s bliss.

5. Never Go to Bed Mad

OMG, I thought this one was gospel!

I remember lots of late-night arguments that only got worse the longer I stayed up and tried to talk it out.

Finally I heard Phyllis Diller’s take: “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!”

I giggled and cringed because that was exactly what we’d been doing. It seems ridiculous now because sometimes when I’m upset at night and go to sleep, in the morning I can’t even remember why I was upset.

I recently saw where someone had written on the wall above their bed, “Maybe making out for a few minutes would help us figure things out.”

I know you may not feel like it when you’re mad. But what if it helps you figure things out? Wouldn’t it be worth it?

So instead of talking about how mad you are, consider kissing him madly and seeing how it goes. Or just going to sleep.

Maybe it’s not the most conventional way to express your feelings, but it definitely contributes to a passionate, playful relationship.

What myths did I forget? Share below in the comments which ones you’ve heard that don’t serve your relationship. I’d love to hear.

 

By Laura Doyle

Hi! I'm Laura.

New York Times Bestselling Author

I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that’s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned.

I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills™ that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. The thing I’m most proud of is my playful, passionate relationship with my hilarious husband John–who has been dressing himself since before I was born.

36 replies on “Talking about Feelings”

Thank you Laura! I’m going through the third seperation of my 3 year marriage….it’s been brutal! My family does not like my Husband which is making things worse and we are polar opposites in so many ways…this is both our Second marriage! Right now I’m ready to pack it in, and start off on my own again.

I heard a great line in a movie set in the 18th century and it still hold true for me today. “The best way you can help or love your husband is to leave him alone.” I found my own life and leave him to himself.

I think sometimes understanding from where your husband is coming from is also important. For example if your husband comes from a home from where their is a cold feeling between parents and kids. He might not understand the importance. So talk it out your right. I agree COMMUNICATION. I cant stress how many couples tell me things and my husband and my self just say this. Its not only with him also with your kids everyone.
Thanks

I keep reading these ideas, agreeing with them, implementing them for a while and then messing up again and again. Sometimes I just want to give up. But then I realize that it is all up to me and if I want to see a difference I have to make a difference. I don’t think our elationship is authentic even when it’s fun and peaceful. There’s always an undercurrent if lack if trust and acceptance.

Your response resonates with me too. Peace comes at the cost of a lack of depth and trust in each other…and makes me wonder if a marriage is usually about being light and fun although I do know a few lucky ones who get it all!

Thank you all for sharing…Connie you are so right, I feel like I’m just trying to keep it together…and it’s just been a farce. I want my Spirit to be strong again, I don’t need anyone stealing my Joy.

Connie, I love your accountability and how you keep getting back on the horse. I’m not perfect with the Intimacy Skills either but they sure get easier now that I’ve been practicing for a while.

When the emotional safety improved around here, my relationship became easy and relaxed again. That undercurrent of tension vanished when my husband realized I would not criticize or correct him.

I know for me it’s very difficult to practice skills without like-minded women. It made all the difference to have a tribe of women who support me and cheer me on. Have you checked out my free Introductory course on the 6 Intimacy Skills? You can register here:
https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist

Dear Connie, I feel the same way because my long time husband gave me reason to distrust him early in our marriage. I will keep plgging along because his good Love is worth it! ????Laura’s tips help allot, especially when I tell my husband “I Love it when” you do this or that 4 me. I try to be in a good mood when he calls or comes home & greet him with a smile. Hang in there, he is worth it.

So what would you suggest to do if you found out that your husband was on a dating website for over a year and sneaking around to have coffee and lunch and dinner with the women that he’s met on those dating websites? I love my husband but I’m tired of all the lies and deceit so I think it’s time to get a divorce don’t you?

I soo love reading these Laura – you keep me on track and I’m very grateful for your wisdom which is always perfectly timed – thank you! ????

My husband and I have been separated for 2 years married for 6 years now he has moved back with me for 5 months he he had an affair while we were separated he told me it was over between them but he continues to call her and other females that I haven’t met and says that they are just friends it makes me feel awful, I don’t know if he had sex with them or trying to. Why did I let him come back it’s hard to trust him because he lies I am confused I love him but tired of the pain any suggestions HELP!!

We are separated this 7 months yet living together. It’s driving me nuts. He instigated it by saying he couldn’t stand the fighting anymore. We now chat briefly, he does his own thing and I don’t give out to him anymore but it’s so frustrating cause he won’t talk about anything i.e. Do we try get back together or is he going to move out etc.

Thank you Laura, it’s very helpful and inspiring in ways to improve on my relationship. I used to believe in myth 1, 3 and 5 a lot. Thank God am learning the other way round now

I just started using some of the principles of what Laura has been saying, maybe not the exact words but the general idea of it and i must say Im a little surprised. Its only been 2 weeks and Ive made mistakes but my husband said something along the lines of ‘we might survive this’ yesterday and i must say i was shocked. I’ve only done enough to not nag him and understand where he’s coming from when he does things a different way from my self. And looks like I’ve gotten somewhere.

Big Myth is that Husband never change. He do, his behavior, attitude, emotional intelligence goes better, there is more fun and laugh, just to open eyes and you can see. gratitude more more.

Your conversations seem very shallow and not deep and connecting if your not trying to go deep with figuring out how to become better people. The self care is avoiding the other person and you use the words sometimes when talking about your day. How can you have a relationship with no talking and only hanging out part time. I want a full time relationship not a part time fling.

I hear you Rena, I have been with a guy for 10 months now and we don’t talk much about anything, and I have tried many things but I want a partner who I feel good with, not someone totally closed off

I know what you mean abou the relationship feeling shallow if you can’t really talk things out. I used to think that if I don’t talk things out with him, it’s just sweeping problems under the rug. But I have come to realize that my way of comunicating is very different than my husband’s, and it just won’t work to communicate and talk the way I would like to. If I really want to communicate with him, I have to do it in a way that will be palatable for him. It just doesn’t pay to get into the nitty gritty of things with him.
I am realizing that maybe I have to work things out more in my own mind, and not necessarily with him. Resentments are in my mind, not necessarily because of him. Where do I have unrealistic expectations of him? Where am I expressing criticism of him, instead of telling him how I feel?
Self care goes a long way in helping me feel like ME. And then I can appreciate my husband more for all his wonderful traits, and for his strengths.

I’m in the beginning stages of a new relationship, after a divorce from a 25 year marriage. Even though it’s still just dating, I can implement these strategies. I can see how I contributed to the downfall of my marriage, and I have no desire to repeat those old behaviors. Thank you for sharing your wisdom !

I have been so sad about my relationship lately especially because communicating my feelings to my husband always hits rock bottom and I get really frustrated,I get asking myself if this is how I am going to live the rest of my life,I feel all love gone and don’t feel any love for him. But reading about these myths has got me thinking just maybe I have been communicating wrongly all these while. Am hoping and willing to express my feeling more personally now than having an undertone of blame and see if things can improve. I really want my marriage to work

hi laura, thankyou for your guidence, this communication issue is such a problem for us. i listen to his dreams etc or things worrying him,i answer with ‘ I hear you” etc. i love and support him with his stresses t work, even ring him through the night at work to see how he is travelling and let him vent and blow off steam. but when i talk about my dreams or anything i dont get any reciprocation, ive joked and said ‘ did you hear that wal’? what do you think? [ the wall that is} , but since have been told by a friend that is being sarcastic, but to me its not, i was just trying to make a point. If my husband loves me, which ive been told he doesnt but sends mixed messages all the time, and have been seperated for 9 months under the same roof. im trying so hard, and practicing everything u teach, so grateful. im very frustrated and feel like giving up. He makes me feel of no importance, my dreams are irrelavant and he is never interested in my award winning photography, but i have encouraged and supported his passion and dreams in building hotrods. I cant open doors to any communication, he just keeps saying, ill just leave my feelings in the drawer. That dosent help anyone. i cant fix what is broke if i dont no what i have to fix!!! soooooo frustrated.

Hi Laura, thank you for those tips.
I find the suggestions ‘ask him to help with everyday things ‘ a bit too much, it feels like being a parent or teacher instead of being a wife and equal partner.
E.g. taking out the bins /doing dishes/helping with kids etc.
He does way more since I stopped asking him. He sees himself what needs to be done. He doesn’t need me to ask him to empty the bin. Thank you for “The Surrendered Wife”, it has helped me a lot to back off. “Whatever you think” :-).
I didn’t realise I helped /controlled so much.

Megan, That is a good one! It never worked for me either to ask for help around the house, like you, my husband does way more now without a word from me.

This is a great line – made me chuckle 🙂

I was just putting the words “I feel” at the beginning and saying any damn thing I wanted after that.

Oh my God this is GOLD. Thank you Laura just what I NEEDED to learn. Am super guilty on all the above. I bet this is going to help me tones. Thank you thank you thank you

My wife always wants to talk it out. Sometimes it’s ok cause that’s what she needs. I’m not a big talker bout stuff that’s important. We argue for long times. I’m guilty of some of these also. Love your insight and thank you

Thanks for sharing. While I agree with some of your recommendations, there are others that may lead to resentment and frustration if the other party isn’t doing their part as well. We as women may set the tone in relationship, but sometimes, we sacrifice too much to keep the peace at the expense of our own mental and emotional well-being.

T, I see what you mean about how not saying what’s on your mind can lead to resentment and frustration. Of course you’re right. For me, using this approach has never been about sacrifice–it’s about finding a dignified way to honor myself instead of harping at my husband, who just wants to be my hero. It’s the “courage to change the things that I can” part of the Serenity Prayer. I also wished that my husband would change when we were struggling, but I couldn’t make him change. I can change myself and then he responds to me beautifully. Win-win!

I have finally accepted, after many years of trying to make my husband talk to me like a woman, that men really are to some degrees from Mars. At least my husband is. And I’m definitely from Venus. My girlfriends and I can chat about feelings and relationships for hours. My husband is, in contrast, a man of few words. Too much talking makes him squirm. But for me, while the John Gray books helped diagnose the problem, the solution wasn’t always helpful (e.g. writing letters where I told DH how I wanted him to improve, after first telling him what I appreciated about him). The Laura Doyle method has worked much better for me. I have finally learned to put the metaphorical tape on my mouth when I want to criticize him. This has really helped bring peace and respect back into the house. Now for me the next step is being brave enough to talk about my feelings, like Laura teaches. I am craving that vulnerability and closeness.

Laura, thank you for your amazing perspective, it always helps. I would love to ask you something about the topic. I have been surrendering for a year and a half and a lot of areas improved in my marriage. He started wearing his ring, he goes out of his way to make sure I am good, he booked anniversary trip tickets… the thing is he cheated before and as much as I try to get past it, that is something that keeps coming to my mind. I trust him, I know he is faithful, I just can’t let go of this pain from the past. It doesn’t serve me at all but I don’t know what to do. I have been thinking on talking to him about it but after reading your blog, it might not be a great idea. Any suggestions? Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you for your advices, I will try to apply this method
Me and my husband we love each other too much but because of differences we have a lot of arguments the fact that am moroccan ( Arab) and his is European (Hungarian) the ideas are not the same but I believe that love matters the most, he is very gentle but he is perfectionist and he wants everything to be perfect and am an easy going person I really don’t care about details, this creates the problems between us and I don’t know if I have to be like him or there is a way to make him change or to accept the way that he is a perfectionist person

Hi Laura,
What I don’t fully understand here is the concept that I should take the responsibility to set the tone for the marriage and avoid criticism, correcting, disrespecting. But what is the advice for when there is no reciprocation of this and I am on the receiving end of those things constantly (along with stonewalling and withholding). When the other side of the street fails to get or be clean, and you are making heroic efforts to stifle negativity but getting very little in return (if not blows to your value and self worth), then what?

Leave a Reply to Dana Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *