Why Doesn’t My Husband Love Me?
Being married to a man who was once affectionate and thoughtful, but isn’t anymore, is painful and heartbreaking.
I still remember what that was like. It hurts just thinking about it, even though that was years ago.
But what if the underlying problem was something you could fix pretty quickly, once you knew how?
Because that’s what happened to me.
I’m going to reveal the hidden habit that was squelching my husband’s love for me–and tell you what I did to get it all back.
I’ll also give you a simple, powerful phrase you can start using right away so that your husband gets happy to see you.
Contents
1. What Actually Happened to Make Him Distant?
First, let’s go back to the way things were early in your relationship. If you’re anything like me, you saw that your husband was a smart guy. He had so many desirable qualities. He was attractive.
Even if you’re not remembering that so strongly right now, I can’t imagine you would have wanted to marry him if you didn’t feel that way. Can you?
You were happy to marry such a great guy. At first.
But since then, you’ve changed.
I know it seems like he’s the one who changed, but consider the possibility that you are the one who’s changed, and he’s just responding to you differently.
You may not have noticed because it happened gradually, but there have been times when you saw he was lacking common sense, or did things in an ineffective way.
Of course you noticed. You live with the guy, and you’re observant. How could you help it? Now he doesn’t seem as smart to you as he did in the beginning.
Where you had more experience of education, maybe you gently tried to help bring him up to speed.
But a lot of things he continued to do in a way that just doesn’t make sense to you. Now that you’ve lived with his flaws for a while, you can’t unsee them.
You’ve downgraded him from sooooo smart to something less than that.
You’ve seen that your husband has some drawbacks that you hadn’t paid attention to.
Maybe he keeps junk he’ll never need again and claims it’s valuable when you know it’s not.
Perhaps he’s got a wicked temper that he doesn’t bother to contain.
Maybe he lost money on an investment, or overspends.
You’ve noticed his shortcomings. And your husband has noticed that you don’t approve of the way he does some things.
2. You are Your Husband’s Mirror
When he looks into his wife-mirror, what he sees reflected back is not as shiny as what he used to see in your eyes.
In fact, he sees a rather painful self-image there.
So he started looking less.
He started to be busy with something else–let’s say work, or sports. Maybe he’s always distracted with video games or his phone–anything to avoid the pain of seeing your disappointment in him.
You aren’t stupid, and you knew he was avoiding you.
Sometimes you get resentful that he’s ignoring you. Who wouldn’t?
It’s lonely, and it hurts. It’s not what you signed up for. He’s withholding from you–his attention, his time and his affection.
3. I Still Remember What That Was Like
Just a few years into my marriage, I was asking myself how something as good as our relationship had been could have gone so wrong so fast. I remember wondering, “Why doesn’t my husband love me?”
He didn’t want to spend time with me, didn’t seem attracted to me and seemed to go out of his way to avoid doing the things that I wanted him to do.
It was painful.
But that was over 15 years ago, and now he can’t get enough of me. He’s sitting right next to me, even though I’m writing on my laptop, just because he wants to be around me.
Here’s how I turned it all around, and how you can too.
4. Pretend That You Respect Your Husband
I know, right now that seems like a really tall order. Don’t worry–I’ll tell you a simple way to get started.
I know he doesn’t seem to deserve your respect. If you’re anything like I was, you’re thinking, “but I don’t respect him.”
Consider pretending, in the spirit of “fake it till you make it.”
I mean, wouldn’t you prefer that you did respect him?
Wouldn’t that be better for him? And ultimately, wouldn’t that be better for you?
You might wonder why you would pretend about anything to your own husband. Shouldn’t the two of you be open and honest?
Consider this: If you think back to the beginning of the relationship, back when you thought he was so smart, you did respect him. You weren’t pretending—you felt admiration and trust.
5. Your Husband is The Same Guy Now as He Was When You Met
All that’s changed is your perspective. You’ve been focused on what you don’t like about him, and that’s enlarged.
So this is about going back to what was working, which is focusing on the things you appreciate about him, instead of the things that don’t impress you.
Because what you focus on increases.
There’s a magical phrase that you can start using right away. This is an important part of treating him respectfully. Anyone can do this, including you.
This phrase has the power to change absolutely everything. It’s three words: “I hear you.
That’s it. Notice it’s not, “I hear you, but…” or, “I hear you and I think…” or “I hear you and let me tell you what I would do.”
It’s just listening to him. That’s it.
It’s not agreeing or disagreeing. It’s just bearing witness to his thoughts, his ideas, his words and his process.
Don’t worry—you won’t be approving things that you don’t approve of. Saying, “I hear you,” doesn’t convey approval.
But it is one powerful way to convey respect. Listening is a critical part of respect.
If you say “I hear you,” and nothing else and let him talk as long as he wants tonight—or even just for an hour–you’ll be well on your way to seeing that he actually does love you.
6. Did you catch that?
I just said that your husband actually does love you.
And if you decide to give him the respect that he deserves (he must deserve it because he’s married to you and you wouldn’t have married a loser) you’ll see the evidence.
You’ll see it in the way his face lights up when you come home.
You’ll see it in the way that he comes home from work early just so he can spend time with you.
You’ll see it in the way he makes bedroom eyes at you again, even if he hasn’t in a long time.
How can I be so sure?
I’ve been privileged to watch thousands of women transform their relationships. And I’ve seen a pattern.
When she brings the respect, he brings the love.
And she stops feeling like her husband doesn’t love her anymore, because she knows he does.
60 replies on “Why Doesn’t My Husband Love Me?”
Wonderful! I needed to hear this today. Thank you!!!
I am ready to try this as after 32 years of marriage we are dealing with so much outside stress in our marriage I feel if I don’t do this we will drift apart..holding the mirror to myself right now.. Dammit won’t give up.. thanks so much for this website I am buying your book today
Hi Laura I just got your book I am i am currently finishing chapter 7 it’s great but I need help..my husband and I don’t talk we just answer our questions ..we don’t go out as a family as often anymore.. and if we do our conversations are between our son not us ..how do I start communicating I really have disrespect him very deeply and I am paying for it we don’t have intimacy for two years and three months we left our bethroom ..I am desperate please help
Monica, I’m sorry to hear about the cold war at your house. I still remember how painful that is. But I have really good news for you–this is totally fixable. It doesn’t have to take long. It’s normal to feel lousy when you first realize how much you were contributing to the mess, but it gets sooooo much better as you implement. You sound like you could use some support, so I invite you to have a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Laura, you must be the most empathetic person in the world! You have the ability to be truly vulnerable. And you write from your own perspective, not pointing or blaming but just sharing your own experience. Thought provoking.
Thank you, Susan!
Thank you thank you thank you! Your teachings have changed my relationship with my husband 180 degrees!! I see so many of my relatives and friends treating their husbands without respect and they are miserable! I suggest reading “The Surrendered Wife” but they seem so sure it isn’t about them, but about their stupid, lazy, inconsiderate husbands! I guess I can only be an example of a happy, loved, and peaceful wife.
Thanks again,
Jennifer
My husband and have drifted. I caught him in an emotional affair. I have tried everything from your book. And it’s not working. What do I do now ?
Vanessa, Sorry to hear about the emotional affair–very painful. Sometimes it takes time for husbands to get the memo when you change it up and start being respectful and emotionally safe. Hang in there though because you’re on the right track. Look for small wins initially. Also, sounds like you could use some support. I invite you to have a complimentary discovery call here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi! I just found your site today while looking for help for my marriage. My husband has been going back and forth for almost two weeks now saying he doesn’t want to be together and then he will change his mind saying he loves me. Then he says I’m irritating and he want to leave. Do you have any advice or a way to help me? My heart is breaking.
Sarah, That is heart breaking, but also so fixable. I’m so glad you found your way here, because you can completely transform your marriage and make it amazing again. I suggest you start with reading The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets for Attracting Your Husband?s Time, Attention, and Affection. You can read the first chapter free here to see if it’s right for you:
http://GetCherished.com
Hi laura,
Thank you so much for all your posts, I have your book surrendered wife, its my bible and have recommended it to family and friends!
My husband considers himself kinky and wants me to sign up for a master sub relationship, Me being the sub. Im really feeling weird about it, any guidance or siggestions?
Doing your work I have really mastered respecting my husband and have seen huge changes, he wants submission!!
Rose, congratulations on creating a respectful relationship. That’s awesome! For me, surrendering is about honoring myself like never before. My question to you would be what would that look like for you in this situation? Desire is your department. So what is it you want?
What if your husband has told you he no longer loves you?
Anne, That would be very painful to hear. Very! But I wouldn’t take it too seriously if you’re just beginning with the skills because we see situations like that turn around completely all the time around here. One woman whose husband said it was over and got a divorce attorney recently showed me her new, blinding marquis cut diamond ring that he got her.
I invite you to get some support here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
My husband of over 23 years is having an emotional affair. He said in Dec that he didn’t love me as much as I loved him. I thought we were trying.. a few weeks ago I discovered he still texts her. He told me he doesn’t love me or want to be around me when I asked to do things together to help the relationship. He says he doesn’t want to leave and he wants to love me again but he doesn’t try. I asked him to not force it and lets just try and enjoy eachother. He said he can’t be miserable much longer. We have sex almost every night… and he cuddles with me.. I’m so confused, sad, heartbroken. I am going to be 47 in a few days and we have been together since I am 15.
Lynn, So sorry to hear about this heartbreaking situation in your marriage. Sounds devastating. There is tons of hope for you though–you can make your marriage amazing and shiny again. The Six Intimacy Skills that turned my marriage around and took us from the brink of divorce to passionate and playful again are all laid out in my book, The Empowered Wife. They’ve worked for over 15,000 women and they’ll work for you too. You can read a free chapter here:
http://getcherished.com/
I’m in a very similar situation. My husband is in an emotional relationship with another woman but still wants a physical relationship with me. He is always talking about how unhappy he is but is unable to say what would make him happy. I see your post was from 2016. Can I ask how things turned out?
3 weeks ago my husband told me he didn’t love me and left. 3 kids youngest 3. I have suffered with depression this last year and he has worked away for most of it. I feel like he has just dumped us when we needed him the most. He is still working away throwing himself into work and living at his mothers 2 1/2 hours away coming to see the kids for a few hours on a Saturday while I go out. I have tried to talk to him I have emailed him, I have expressed how I feel and my struggles but he is not giving an inch. He said he will not change his mind or come back that is it. I love him with all my heart we have been together 16 years. Yes I’ve not been the easiest person to love at times I don’t give or take affection very well but I was like that when we got together. My eldest daughter is so bitter she won’t even see him or talk to him. I have read your book and understand what to do but how can I do it when he’s not hear and can’t wait to get out of the door once he drops the kids off. I am so desperate and he knows it but just not giving me anything. Not even replying to my emails anymore. He’s 45 a midlife crisis even run through my head. I don’t know which way to turn.
EM, I’m so sorry to hear about your husband abandoning you and your kids! Sounds incredibly painful and lonely. It’s frustrating to discover the Intimacy Skills right when he’s gone and you don’t have much opportunity to practice. The good news is that many women before you have been in this situation and used the Intimacy Skills to revitalize their marriages even from a distance. It can be done, so there is plenty of hope that your marriage can also be vibrant and connected again–better than it’s been in a long time. I’d love to see you get some support. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see what the best move is for your marriage. You’ll find it very valuable. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Thanks Laura. THe only way of communication in which I have chance to talk to him is through email. I don’t know how to use the intamicy skills I have learned from your book by email. He is adamant he is not coming back and as told me this more than once. What a mess i don’t know which way to turn but I can’t let him go. I know what I have done is wrong but don’t know how To put it right to convince him to come back to us when he so far away. Thanks for the invite to apply for a call but I’m at the other side of the world and money is an issue
Hope you can point me not the right direction
EM, I see why you’re struggling so much and why you feel so hopeless. There’s something to be said for letting go of trying to “convince” him and instead focusing on the only person you can change: Yourself. When I went back to being the woman my husband fell in love with, he fell in love with me all over again. I also thought it was hopeless, but I held the key in my hand. You also have the power to revitalize your marriage. Keep reading the books and applying what you can. There is every reason to be hopeful.
Thank you. This really touched me and made me remember how I used to see my husband. I used to say, who cares he is late – I love him way too much to care about that. When I had that thought all of the old love poured forth in me and I want it to stay!
Rachel, So beautiful! You sound very loving and committed. I’m happy to hear.
I’m in such pain over hearing the words: ” I’m not in love with you anymore” it came out of the blue and after a year of trying for another baby. It’s paralyzingly hurtful and scary after almost 14 years of marriage. How do I stop the pain?
Anonymous, That is incredibly painful to hear from your husband. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. I admire that you came here for support even though you’re feeling paralyzed. One of the best ways I know to ease the pain is to be able to share about what you’re going through with women who have also been there and have revitalized their marriages. There is still so much hope for your marriage, and hope is a wonderful antidote for pain. So is knowing that you’re not alone. This breakdown can lead to a breakthrough! I’d love to see you get some support. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches is right for you. You can do that here:
https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/
Hi laura i just read your website and it really looks empowering…
My husband for 7 year with 3 yrs old daughter and on the way for 2nd child. We have been in our most crucial state of our marriage these weeks… We were so ok, he is very loving just one time we had a small fight and didnt wanna answer his call because i was upset. The n one night he came home telling I love you as a mother of my children, I am not who I am now without you BUT i think i dont love you anymore… normal reaction of a pregnant woman, i was shocked, begging, hysterical, desperate… Then next day after I harrased him throught txt he came home saying I dont love you anymore and O want divorce. 3 days after he went to lawyer to ask how much pensions etc He has to pay for me and the kids… i was so crashed when he told me that. I panicked! Theres day I want divorce also but most of the time i want him back and love me again… ladt night we really had a calm discussion about naming the baby he was even making jokes but it was changed when I brought up again what went wrong to us he said you never listen already told many times thats why it will not worl between us anymore… he was really upset and he told me Im broke because of you i will be in deep **** because of you I dont love you! I just answered him “i can see that” i really dont know what to do…i hope you can help me…
Mimi, I admire your vulnerability in sharing about your husband saying he’s leaving while you’re pregnant. That is devastating. I acknowledge you for having hope in the face of this challenge. You can absolutely save your marriage and your growing family. I would love to see you get the support to empower you to do that. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches is right for you. You will get so much clarity from the call. You can apply here: https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching
I am writing this while Im on break at my job (wirh tears). I am in a relationship with a man who is physically mentally and emotionally abusive. He is controlling and a hypocrite. He has cheated on me multiple times and now he wants me to take a lie detector test. I want to take it to prove myself but another side of me wants to grab my kids and run. I am starting to hate him with every fiber in my body. He has a child support case against I feel like he won't take a DNA test because he knows it is his child. I hate that I stayed this long. I feel so worthless every day of my life. The only thing I am is a punching bag to him. I hate my life with him. If I had somewhere for me and my kids to go without him knowing I would take it in a heartbeat. He accuses me of cheating when he cheated 5 Times and he couldn't be a man and tell me he was cheating he had to get caught. I have let him get too much power. I feel stupid because iI allowed him to control me and put me in bad financial situations. My credit is totally messed up because of the things I put in my name. But his credit is fine. He has threatened me to leave me with bills that he helped create and abandoned his children. Our children loves him but the hate his attitude. My son says he is scared of him because he constantly yells and curses at him. My daught has told me so MANY times to leave her dad. I hate my life sometimes I wish I dont wake up but I know my kids will suffer.
Joetta, that is awful. It sounds like you may not be safe and would like to leave. I certainly appreciate that and respect your choice to do that. Safety always comes first. You are the expert on your own life. I hear that you feel scared, hopeless and stuck. Cleaning up my side of the street definitely made me feel less hopeless and stuck. I want the same thing for you. I wonder what’s possible for you if you had skills and support. I’d love for you to feel empowered and invite you to my upcoming free webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I feel so I’m loved by my husband. There are things going on in his life that are causing him to be depressed and angry. I try my best to make him happy, although I can’t do much about his issue. He has told me the kids and I are the best thing that’s ever happened to him, yet I am left feeling unloved. Things were so different before. I go out of my way to do things for him, always tell him I love him. But I feel like I don’t get the same in return. I have listened to what bothers him, and did everything I can to help him with it, but sadly it is out of our hands, and the people who are supposed to help aren’t. I just don’t know what to do. It got to be the stress and depression, but if I’m the best thing that happened to him, why do I feel like I bother him? Also he’s always been kind of addicted to porn, so when he masturbates it makes me feel worthless, he knows I won’t with hold adult time from him. But it makes me feel like I’m not good enough, when i find out he does it.
Tiffany, that is painful to feel unloved and not know what to do with all those challenges. Your vulnerability is beautiful, and I admire your commitment to restoring the intimacy in your marriage. I remember feeling baffled when I went from feeling loved as a newlywed to soon feeling unloved. I figured it must be a result of his mental health diagnosis. I felt so powerless until I discovered the 6 Intimacy Skills, which made my marriage playful and passionate again. If I can do it, you can regain your self-worth and feel loved again too. I have a webinar coming up called “How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life.” I invite you to register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
This has to be a god send I’m in tears. you hit the nail right on the head with this article. I can sadly admit I have changed because of being so focused on the “disappointing situations we’ve been into because of his lack of sense and maturity… This is my first marriage and I want it to be my only ever lasting.
How can I get over the resentment, hurt and contempt I have towards him ? How can I avoid the old dissapointments coming up in the back of my mind again every time he does another disappointing action? And how can I help him heal from the hurt I caused from my exaggerated destructive reactions from the past (I’ve said I’ve wanted to leave him a few times because of my doubt in his love for me)
Celine, I’m so glad this article resonated with you. It sounds like you are in the right place! I hear how hurt and resentful you’ve been feeling and can see why that would turn your focus toward all the disappointments. I admire your vulnerability, awareness and profound commitment to your marriage. When I was focused on my husband’s lack of sense and maturity, it led only to more and more disappointing situations. Once the 6 Intimacy Skills taught me to turn that around, I finally got the playful, passionate marriage I’d always wanted. If I can do it, you can too! I’ll show you how in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I have been married for just 5 months and I feel my husband does not love me anymore. He prefers been on his phone than chatting with me, he says I nag a lot and don’t respect him. Am hurt by his actions and behavior sometimes so I try to do the same to him. I feel its too early in our marriage to be going through this as what I pictured is far from what am experiencing. I love him and want him to love me back and want to spend time with me.
Richluv, it sounds so painful to feel that your husband doesn’t love you anymore, especially when you’re a newlywed! I love your commitment to and vision for your marriage.
I remember those days well. It was so lonely when my husband preferred to spend time with the TV (or pretty much anything else) over me. I tried to remedy the situation with nagging, which only made it worse, of course. The 6 Intimacy finally empowered me to attract him to want to spend time with me. Now I have the playful, passionate marriage I’ve always wanted.
I’d love to give you the tools to have the newlywed love you deserve! I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
Hi Laura,
My husband and i are in a long distance marriage. We are married for a year or so. We meet abt 2,3 times in a month. It was a tough year for us because we had a lot of disagreements n arguments which led me to teary and hurt. In many situations, my husband would ignore me, not answer my phonecalls, kept silent during conversations. I take are examples of stonewalling.
I bought your book on Kindle and ive applied it. I dont see the result. I also notice that i dont have the patience to Where did i go wrong?
Thanks!
Sofia, I’m sorry to hear that you keep arguing and getting hurt and stonewalled. That sounds so disheartening, especially on top of dealing with the challenges of a long-distance marriage as a newlywed. I love your accountability and commitment to healing your marriage.
I have gotten discouraged at times that I wasn’t feeling the connection I wanted, even when I thought I was practicing the Intimacy Skills. When I received coaching support, I realized I wasn’t applying the 6 Intimacy Skills to what I was going through effectively. When my coaches empowered me to see my blind spots and apply the appropriate Skills, my breakdown led to the breakthrough of becoming cherished, desired and adored.
If I can do it, I know that your breakthrough awaits too! I invite you to my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
My husband and I have been married a little over a year, with a baby due in December. We had problems before and now that my due date is getting closer and closer my husband has stopped wanting to come home and says he is done, doesn’t wish to talk about anything regarding healing our marriage from the past or doesn’t want to know anything about what the future holds for us, he has totally lost hope. I don’t have the words for him anymore because he is quick to dismiss anything and everything we need to talk about. Any suggestions?
Soraida, I’m sorry to hear that your newlywed husband no longer wants to come home and says he’s done. That sounds so painful, especially as the due date approaches for such an exciting time in your lives! I admire your vulnerability and commitment to healing your marriage.
I remember when my marriage seemed hopeless and my husband dismissed my suggestions. The 6 Intimacy Skills attracted him back and inspired him to want to please me again.
I want you to have the long honeymoon you deserve too. I’ll show you how to attract your husband back and keep your family together in my upcoming webinar: How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for free at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist
I had a love marriage he was so nice and I never saw any loves me unconditionally like he does.but now times have changed he started ignoring me and avoiding me so badly it affected my daily routine I couldn’t sleep, or not feeling hungry to have food most prominently my pulse rate is very high something like that I lose my control and feels so depressed, I cant be happy without him I feel upset even if he stares at me, I love him madly like he used to love before our marriage but according to him he seems to be enjoying watching comedies, doing works in very happily manner.my presence made him worse and boring, never listen to me.really dying
Megha, I can see why you’re dying inside. It is depressing for your husband to start avoiding and ignoring you.
I remember how painful that was when it happened to me. I learned how to attract him back to me with the 6 Intimacy Skills, and now our marriage is more playful and passionate than ever.
If I can do it, you can too. I’ll show you how in my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills at https://connect.lauradoyle.org/six-intimacy-skills-waitlist.
Just want to say that the problem with your advice is… What if you DID marry a loser? You are potentially giving dangerous advice to women who might be in abusive marriages. You should at least ACKNOWLEDGE that in some cases you should leave. Something is also very off on in the way you are suggesting the woman do all the work. Wonder if you will let this comment stay up. You should. Just in case a women reads this and is debating whether it’s really all her fault when it’s not.
K, I agree. I fully support a woman in leaving if she’s not safe. I trust every woman to be the expert on her own life, as I discuss here.
Doing all the work doesn’t work for me either. The problem is I couldn’t make my husband do his share. But now that I have the 6 Intimacy Skills, he is eager to please me and support me. If you’re curious how this could work for you, check out my upcoming free Introductory Course on the 6 Intimacy Skills.
Hi Laura, thanks for sharing, what seems to me like, sound advice. My husband checked out almost 3 years ago. No love, sex or affection. Still in the same bed wont let me touch him. When we argue I say mean and nasty things in response to mean and nasty things he says to me. I hate to argue, but he provokes me to force me to divorce him. What hurts most is that I still love him, and value and cherish my marriage. I say I love you to him almost eveyday, even right after an argument, forcing myself to continually forgive. He has become excessively hateful and bitter. I will continue to respect him, which I started about 2 weeks ago when I found a verse in the bible that commanded wives to respect their husbands. He has said that he will not under any circumstance change his mind about wanting out of our marriage. I’m just holding on to my faith in God and staying in prayer.
My husband and I have been drifting apart for quite some time. Almost to the point where we only answer each other’s questions and have no communication beyond that. He told me he doesn’t think he loves me anymore and I honestly think he’s having an affair. I would do anything in the world to fix this I just don’t know where to start. What do you suggest Laura? Thank you
My husband of 10 years has been an addict for 4 of those. He has been sober for 5 months now. However, we’ve been separated for almost 1 year. My old husband is back and I want to work on us. But he says he needs time to work on him and do his own thing. How long am I supposed to wait? I’ve waited for years for this to happen and now I have to wait until he’s ready? I miss him so much. If I push him it will go sour. I know it will. But is it fair to put my life on hold till he figures it out. Its yes I want marriage or no I want a divorce.
my husband gets up everyday and thinks up ways to cheat me out of his efforts and assistance. He is a high level pro and we live on very little. he will always do everything tomorrow. today i said ‘no’ to doing some errands for him, i was tired and reasonably so today, said it firmly, cause he expects and desires service constantly, and he has been angry ever since. this is a long marriage. he doesn’t drive now for 15 years by choice so guess who has to pick up slack in that department with all related errands. he likes a mule for a wife. fyi yes, i am attractive, i have been grateful for many years-works a little, but not enough on him-we are people who really enjoy each other, but I haven’t been able to be the support of the family, i don’t have the ability though I tried-and tension makes me miserable and yes, i do get angry. i am working hard to stop that. I think the outcome here will be a stand off that at least is a bit more pleasant due to my self control. he’s no earner and really doesn’t want to be. keeps saying he’s old (and i think he likes it that way). Been with your course only two weeks. Yelling has stopped and he is supposedly trying to get better organized etc. Any feedback?
Hey, Ms. Laura, I believe that my boyfriend has been cheating on me with someone else. Hey his is because he do not talk to me or wanna b close to me no more. All he do now is be on his music all the time and close hisself away from me and our children. The only time I see him is when he want some money or if its something he wanna do he never ask me or tell me I’m beautiful anymore. I have gave more in this relationship and to our children than he has and I like I’m invisible. I have told him and asked him when is he gonna spend time with me or is he go stay on the computer or his phone all day. I don’t get no response from him he just continue doing what he do. He is not even looking at what this is doing in our relationship all he sees is himself. What do I do, do I break up with him? Or should tell him over and over how I want him to spend time with him?
Hi Laura my fiancé and are were having a little trouble and he suffered with a lot of anxiety and depression and started pulling away from me and he decided to stay at his brothers for a few days, which has turned into 6 months, we still talk and see each other but he recently said he’s not in love with me anymore, loves me but not in love, what do I do with this? I love this man and want this to work and he’s not sure what he wants
What a complete crock of crap! There are many narcissistic, abusive, disrespectful, controlling men out there who are quite incapable of loving their wives and they should run away as quickly as they can. This article is pure drivel.
The first two years of our marriage was amazing, then we moved (military) took me from everything I knew. I become horribly depressed and treated him like dirt, not on purpose, he told me something needed to change but I never listened then two years ago he said he wanted a divorce, I begged him for a second chance, a chance to change. He gave me that chance and I have changed he’s said that I’ve changed and I’m so much better but he still doesn’t love me and he won’t ever again and he still wants a divorce. I love him more than anything. Today is our 7 year anniversary and I feel like I’m dying. I’m worried about my 3-year-old and about my life in general. I don’t know what to do, I’ve changed so much and it hasn’t done anything.
I was in a really hard place today, and now I have motivation. After reflecting, I think that you are absolutely correct. I always think I respect my husband, but if my
Family says something bad about him, I never defend him, and the first one that happened is when I noticed is start to drift. Thank you so much. I will keep in touch if this works!
My husband and I are in a really dark place. I love him but im not sure if i want to continue being married anymore. He told me today in argument after him being gone all weekend that their was no marriage and he was only here for the kids. In so heartbroken idk what else to do. We’ve been married going on 2 years on the 19th. With 7 kids. But we’ve been together years. Im so confused and hurt. I want to stay but after those words its gonna be really tough to look at him the same.
Hi Laura, my husband of one year has pretty much disrespected me from the beginning of our marriage. His family and friends always come first. Two months ago during an argument he basically gave me a long list of things he hates about me starting with me being stupid, not liking my physical appearance, clothes, hair, etc. I am a doctor by the way so I don’t think I am stupid. He even suggested that I deserved to be slapped. I truly wonder why he married me if he hates everything about me. Everyone I’ve talked to thinks I should get a divorce immediately. It’s heartbreaking for me to be in such a terrible situation and I am not sure this marriage can be restored.
Yesterday was my 46th wedding anniversary. I agreed with my husband that we would eat at home because he was spending several hours (circa 2PM – 6:30 PM) at his weekly bridge game. It was have been imprudent to have made a dinner reservation because his stop time varies by as much as 45 minutes or even more.
So I made sure that he knew that I wanted some respect. He had his retirement party last April and sat with a bunch of his friends and I had to sit on the far side of the room because he forgot about me, even though I stood next to his table with my laden plate for a couple of minutes. He sat next to people he doesn’t even like to talk to and forgot all about me.
Yes, he has neglected our anniversary and my birthday from the start and I’ve started making more noise about it. I just want him to understand that these rare occasions are important to me, just as I understand that they are meaningless to him. I’ve always tried to be understanding but I now fear that I have just enabled him to skate through 46 years without bothering with getting to know me.
Instead of ‘pretending’ to respect one’s husband, why not try actually respecting him? I think it’s better to be authentic. 🙂
Of course this only works if he speaks to his wife. I have nothing to hear because he has nothing to say… EVER. That is one of the ways he withholds his love from me. So now what…
It’s interesting to note that husband problems are pretty similar, regardless of nationality. I have emotionally invested into my marriage and the returns have been disappointing. What makes it worse is that we are experiencing an economic crisis here in Zimbabwe. Thank you for all the tips, I will weigh them and find something that is relevant to us.
Hi Laura,
I was married For 17 years, together for 24 years. My husband had some kind of a breakdown/paranoid episode 4 months ago where he thought I was having an affair. He had been tracking my phone and following me to try and get evidence but of course he didn’t because the whole thing was in his head. When I found out I asked him to move out as I couldn’t live with someone who didn’t trust me ( he always had trust issues). I even took a lie detector test to prove I was telling the truth (stupid I now!) After this he began to realise that he needed help and started on antidepressants but no counselling . I should say he is a recovering addict and has been clean for 20 years but does not attend AA or anything. Anyhow for the following 2 months we tried to work through things and he said he would come home and that he missed me and our three boys so much. He was living with his two friends who are also divorced so it was all very convenient! But as the weeks went n he changed and four weeks ago he said he no longer loved me and that he had felt loved in years!! He has treated me very badly since , ignoring me for days at a time and only contacting me when it’s to do with the kids or money. He is going to the gym and looks great and has bought himself a new car. I spoke to him yesterday and laid my heart on the line and gave him every opportunity to come home but he said he as thought long and hard about it and h just does not have the love for me that he had before. So I guess that’s it and I have to let go and move on.
Thanks Laura
Pam