I’ve come a long way from the controlling wife that I once was. I no longer feel I have to tell my husband how to drive, what to eat or how to dress. Those days were pretty miserable. I spoke to reporter Jan Tuckwood about it and the story is in today’s paper:
http://www.palmbeachpost.com/health/wives-are-you-controlling-your-marriage-to-death-2355808.html?cxtype=rss_health

The article has it just right: I was ruining my marriage with what I told myself were helpful comments. But it wasn’t easy to admit it. All I knew is that my marriage wasn’t very happy. Learning to give up trying to control someone else and focusing on my own happiness has changed everything–I not only have a great marriage I’m also a better Laura.

Become Your Best Self

No trumpets sounded on the day I stopped nagging my husband. No parades or fireworks marked the occasion of me deciding to speak in a calm tone more becoming of a grown woman and less like a shrieking shrew. There were no cakes or balloons when I gave up trying to control him in favor of focusing on my own happiness.

But something worth celebrating happened that day. My dignity was restored. I sounded more pleasant and mature, even to myself. I relaxed. My self-respect soared. I became my best self. The intimacy returned to my marriage, and so did the passion.

For specific instructions on how to restore your dignity and get the intimacy that follows, join my on my free teleconference next Tuesday. During the second half of the call we will answer your questions and any question is fair game. Have yours ready as we always run out of time to answer them.

Find Your Dignity and Romance Will Follow

FREE TELECONFERENCE

Tuesday, May 15^th

6:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m. PST (9:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. EDT)

Call: 1-218-936-4700

Access Code: 4600370

Live Seminar in South Florida

If your romantic life is anything less than you were hoping, giving up control could change everything. Why not? The principles in this seminar have already worked for hundreds of thousands of women in 26 countries and 15 languages wanting to create the loving, passionate relationships they crave. Find out how to turn back the clock to the beginning of the relationship with your husband or boyfriend, or to attract–not hunt for–the man who’s right for you.

The Six Principles for Creating Lifelong Love

For Women Only

Presented by Laura Doyle

Saturday, May 19th
1:00 p.m. – 4:00 p.m.

$35 at the door ($28 in advance)
Location: Gyrotonic Satnam, 2916 S. Dixie Highway, West Palm Beach, FL

Call: 561-650-0304 for more information and to register

For a long time I didn’t even realize I was controlling. I thought I was just being helpful, acknowledging how I felt, and being honest. Little did I know I was shooting holes in the bucket of our intimacy. It wasn’t until I learned to recognize my controlling behavior and make a different choice that the romance returned.

On the road to giving up my controlling ways, I tried to make modifications, tried to be more subtle, even thought I was improving at times with some of the techniques below. But all of it got me to the same lonely spot: wondering why my husband was withdrawn, distant and defensive.

For the record, here are all the embarrassing ways–none very effective–that I tried to control my husband:

1.     Making helpful suggestions like, “if you put things in the file drawers you’d be able to find them more easily,” and “If you didn’t fall asleep with the radio on you’d sleep better and be more rested.” See how helpful?

2.     Speaking on his behalf. People would ask him questions-doctors, waitresses, delivery people–and I would answer for him to make sure that everyone got the right information and impression of our family.

3.     Making decisions for him, like how much to contribute to his 401K, which clothes to get rid of in the closet so we (read: I) would have more room. Since I believed I was smarter than him, this was only logical.

4.     Shooting him disapproving looks. I frowned at the lettuce he bought (too wilted), grimaced when he talked about buying a new car (too expensive) and rolled my eyes at the shows he enjoyed (too low-brow). I was quieter but no less annoying.

5.     Asking leading questions, i.e., Is that what you’re going to eat for lunch?  Do you have to leave so early to get there? Does that shirt go with those pants? Does this line of questioning make you want to smack me? Probably…

6.     Announcing that “we” need to go to counseling. The underlying message, no matter how you look at it, is that he’s a failure as a husband. In my experience, this wins hands-down for the most expensive way to try to control your husband.

7.     Telling him how I would do things, as in “I usually go slower on this road because it’s so narrow,” or “I would take my car in for service if it was doing that.” It’s amazing just how much I knew about practically everything back then.

8.     Criticizing him by saying things like, “Don’t you see how you’re being passive-aggressive?” or “It’s just that you’re such a slob.” As if my insights would help him finally understand the error of his ways and correct them right on the spot. Isn’t that how human nature works?

9.     Making demands like “you should call your mom,” or “you should diversify your portfolio.” I felt this was okay because clearly I was right.

10.  Undoing and redoing things he’d just done and then showing him how I did them. I’m talking about important, life-shattering things like loading the dishwasher properly and making the bed. If I didn’t show him, how would he ever learn? Poor thing!

Have I left anything out? If you’ve ever tried to control your husband in ways that I forgot to mention, be sure to share in the comments below.

Here's Mancow Looking at You

This recording is the property of Mancow: http://www.mancow.com/site

But then I remember what it was like.

I remember what it was like to hear myself screeching almost every day.
I remember what it was like to see my husband look stony and repulsed after I told him he needed to spend more time with me.
I remember how frustrated and lonely I felt when he was more interested in watching TV than he was in having sex with me.
I remember being terrified that I was going to have to divorce him even though we had once been so happy together.
I remember being miserable and not knowing how I would ever escape it.

It wasn’t just my relationship that was broken but also my self-esteem, my confidence and my dignity. In fact, the process of surrendering did as much to restore my dignity as it did to bring back the intimacy and passion in my marriage. When I started to adopt habits that made me more dignified, the romance quickly returned. But I noticed I also liked myself more. I sounded calmer and more at ease, which was more attractive––even to me. That felt a lot better to live with.

Now that I know a few magical principles for creating romance, I also know my suffering was completely unnecessary. I hate even hearing about someone getting divorced because so many divorces are completely preventable, as with my marriage.

I don’t want other women to suffer like I did. I want every woman to know the secrets I learned to reclaim her romance and her dignity.

And that’s why I teach, coach and lead the Lifelong Romance Retreat. That’s why I’m having this free teleconference next Tuesday evening. I hope you can join me.

Find Your Dignity and Romance Will Follow
FREE TELECONFERENCE
May 15th, 2012
6:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m. PST (9:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. EDT)
Call: 1-218-936-4700
Access Code: 4600370

Do you find yourself:
Sounding like your mother on her worst day?
Wondering why you have to tell your guy what needs to be done more than once? Having to tell the men you date what they’re doing wrong and why they’re not impressing you?
Resigned to a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs?
Overworked and underappreciated?

What are the specific steps for reclaiming your dignity and what does that have to do with intimacy? Join us to find out. During the second half of the call we will answer your questions and any question is fair game. Have yours ready as we always run out of time to answer them.

Until we talk again, take good care of you.

Men really do want us women to be happy, but it’s up to us to communicate our desires clearly and without manipulation, criticism or complaint. It’s simple, but not always easy to do. Here are detailed instructions on how to express your desires in a way that inspires.

Below is a link to the conference call:

laura-doyle-conference-call

This is the second installment in my blog series What Women with Lifelong Romance Believe. The first installment was from the perspective of a Jewish wife in Jerusalem, Israel. Next week’s guest blogger is a Muslim wife who describes the challenges of being surrendered for her.

Click here to download the the letter.

What she means is that she doesn’t feel like treating him respectfully.

I get it. That’s how I use to feel too. I remember letting my husband know how I felt when he told dumb jokes, wore a tacky t-shirt and made what I considered to be a bad investment. I was sure I knew better than he did in those areas and I was quick to tell him. I told myself I was just being honest as a justification for indulging in criticism, which is not all that virtuous.

Of course it’s important to be honest in your relationship, but it’s also important to be polite, to create a safe place for intimacy to thrive. If you decide to overlook your man’s minor faults to treat him respectfully, you’ll be doing just what you did naturally when you were first dating. Remember how magical the relationship was then?

If you’re still struggling with the idea that your man deserves your respect, consider treating him respectfully anyway, maybe as an experiment for a week or two. Do this for the same reason you would go to work in the morning even if you didn’t feel like it – because it’s something you’ve committed to doing and others are counting on you and you want the rewards that come from it. At work you get financial compensation and a sense of accomplishment for making a contribution. In your romance, choosing respect will yield the intimacy and romance you crave.

Just as it’s not dishonest to go to work when you’re not in the mood, it’s not dishonest to treat your mate with respect when you don’t feel like it. It’s just a matter of keeping your commitment.

Maybe you thought I was going to suggest that you fake it in another area of your romance, but that’s a topic for another day. I’m sure we’ll be discussing it at the FREE Orientation Brunch for the Sweet Surrender 1-Day Workshop for Wives and Girlfriends on April 21st from 10:30am to 1:30pm in Miami Beach, FL.

Register here now: http://www.heartsdesireintl.com/UpcomingEvents.html

Or if you’re single, consider coming to The Surrendered Singles 1-Day Workshop: Attract and Marry the Man Who’s Right for You on April 14th from 9:00 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. in Miami Beach. This one-day workshop is specially designed for single women who are ready to develop the habits that lead to discovering the essence of who they are and what they want in relationships, having more fun in dating, and attracting and marrying the man who is right for them.

Register here now: http://www.heartsdesireintl.com/UpcomingEvents.html

Surrendered Singles One-Day Workshop: Attract and Marry the Man Who’s
Right for You

Join me in Miami on April 14th for a one-day workshop for women who are ready to develop the habits that lead to lifelong romance, presented by Hearts Desire International. In it you will discover who you are and what you want in a relationship and how to have more fun dating while you’re attracting the man who is right for you. I’m flying from Los Angeles especially to be there with the single women who are ready to change their lives forever. For an idea of what to expect, read the story below about the trip to Paris and the engagement ring.

Register Here: http://www.jotform.net/ricdiaz/Heartsdesireregistration

Minimize Your Risk of Heartbreak

An important way to minimize your risk of heartbreak in relationships is to learn to identify the early warning signs that the man you’re dating has one of three tragic flaws that will make it impossible for him to have a peaceful, passionate, intimate relationship. If he’s actively addicted to drugs, alcohol or
gambling, for instance, he won’t be capable of putting you and your happiness before his need to keep himself supplied with his drug of choice. So it makes sense to avoid dating addicts, but how can you tell if you’re with one? Believe it or not, addicts will tell you they’re addicts. You just have to listen.

That’s what Kristin realized when she looked back on her failed marriage to Zach. She and Zach met at a party and went to lots more parties together while they were dating. Even then, she realized that he never really stopped drinking. “He bragged about how much he could drink,” she says now. “That should have been a clue.” Kristin didn’t mind him drinking when they were dating because she remembers he was more fun then. “He was kind of quiet and sullen when he wasn’t drinking, but when he’d had a beer or two, that’s when he was really chatty and charming,” she says. That was another sign that Zach was more a problem drinker than a social one. “If I had been honest with myself back then, I knew that he was an alcoholic. There was no question about it. But I didn’t want to admit it, so I ignored what I knew to be true and invested more into the relationship than I should have,” Kristin says now. “I won’t make that mistake again!”

Neither will you, if you keep your eyes and ears open to information that will tell you if you’re in the presence of a bad boy––or a good man.

A Trip to Paris and an Engagement Ring

Below is an inspiring testimonial from one of Surrendered Singles Graduates in South Florida who became engaged just last week. This is what she shared about the difference the workshop made in her dating and love life. She writes:

I am very grateful for the impact that participating in the Surrendered Singles Circle has had on my life.  I am a kinder person and am at home with myself.  It is sometimes tough to pinpoint a cause and effect relationship with this kind of thing and I have come at this from many angles, but in this case it’s crystal clear to me that it was the book The Surrendered Single, this experience of being in the Surrendered Singles Circle and this group of women who made this possible.

Developing the habit of actually listening to men allowed me to be in the moment and enjoy people. Also, I could get a sense of the quality and character of a man far more if I listened to him ramble for five minutes than if I dated him for months and tuned him out.

The past year (and being in this relationship) has actually been refreshingly simple. I had to give up a few things, like trying to prove how invincible I am, analyzing everything to the nth degree, thinking everything that was happening had something to do with me and being tuned out to the thoughts of others.

The payoff has been earning a best friend that I get to share my life with.

He plans all of our travel and recently surprised me on our “one-year together” anniversary trip to Paris with an engagement ring.  He had made his intentions clear very early in the relationship and we even discussed a wedding date in month three of dating. It took something for me to allow the “making it official” part to unfold naturally and gracefully. I am so glad I did. It was so beautiful.

My fiancé is a driven and intense businessperson–and is at the same time the most kind and thoughtful man I have ever met.  He is truly the embodiment of the “relationship of my dreams” manifesto I penned while in the Surrendered Singles Circle.  We travel, work, play, and have our own special world.  He surprises me with flowers, kind words, or a tender kiss frequently.  Early on, he noticed that I always seemed to get up in the night for a drink.  Now, every night, he puts a glass of cold water by my bed.  He makes my cappuccino every morning and he doesn’t even like coffee.  I appreciate him so much and feel like the luckiest woman alive.

Thank you, Thank you!

R.L.

It’s actually my introduction to my new occasional blog series; What Women with Lifelong Romance Believe. It turns out the urge to control or improve your husband––along with the tendency to become disrespectful and forget why you married the guy in the first place––is universal to women of all faiths and no faith. I get emails from women all over the world who write about their experience of transforming their marriages—what it was like and how they did things differently. I so admire these women and find such inspiration in their stories. I’m pleased to present the first installment here, from a Jewish woman in Israel who prefers to remain anonymous. In the coming weeks I’ll share with you the stories from Christian, Muslim and non-religious women as well.

I am 44 yrs old and I live in Jerusalem, Israel. I was recommended to read your book by the wife of a Rabbi over the Jewish holiday of Passover and I obtained it from overseas. I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but I can’t tell you what a difference it has made in my life. It feels like getting the answer to a riddle that has vexed me my whole life.

I married almost eight years ago and although I married a wonderful guy and our marriage was essentially sound, I was carrying around so much chronic guilt and remorse from subtly rejecting my husband’s perspective and views as well as helplessness and frustration from not being able to get him to adopt my (superior) way of doing things. I feel relieved from the most painful burden of both his problems and my self-rebuke.

I started therapy about six months ago to try to understand why I felt so chronically lousy about myself and then I read your book, cleaned up my act around my husband (your method is wonderful for restoring healthy boundaries between a husband and a wife) and I just quit therapy. I feel great!! My husband is coming home to the front door singing as he used to when we were first married; I feel lighter than ever and we are indeed relating with far less tension and much more affection.  I realize what my domain is in marriage (myself!) and I am reaching out to other women to share your wonderful message. I am telling everyone I meet to buy your book.

I don’t know if you realize it, but you have done a great service to the traditional Jewish world. You have put into print the classic principles of Jewish marriage according to our sacred Bible and all its commentaries. This material is vaguely described in modern Jewish handbooks for creating “shalom bayis” (domestic peace) but you have made the guidelines explicit, practical, eminently accessible and you have communicated them with humor, compassion, and a courageous willingness to bare your own history and chart your own growth. I really, really salute you and I hope your book takes off in the biggest way.

I have a beautiful dream of my living room and countless living rooms in the land of Israel filled with women sharing their successes as we build up our husbands and the fathers of our children, our families and our nation. I hope the same goes for every other nation and people on earth.