Certified Senior Relationship Coach
Kathy Murray’s Surrendering Story
I Thought it Was All My Husband’s Fault
My husband Doug and I fought about everything all the time.
Everyday I told him what to wear, what to do professionally and around the house. I controlled all the money–how we spent it and invested. I would even re-do the laundry he had folded, or the way he set up the online banking because I didn’t think he did it right. He responded by shouting. Our home was tense and volatile, but I was sure that if Doug would only see things my way we could save our marriage.
I started going to therapy, where I would complain about how much I resented my husband because he never took initiative. I was exhausted from working full time, managing the household budget, raising four children and my husband too!
There was so much distance between us we slept in separate bedrooms. I was lonely, unhappy and devastated with the thought of a second divorce, but I also felt powerless to fix things. I thought our failing marriage was entirely my husband’s fault, just like I believed that my first divorce was entirely my first husband’s fault.
One night, I was complaining about Doug to my girlfriend again when she shocked me by saying “either shut up, or else get a divorce.” I was devastated. I booked a flight to visit my mother. I knew she would listen, and she would know what I should do.
I brought some books with me. One of them was The Surrendered Wife. Upon reading that book, I felt ashamed and embarrassed. For the first time I realized that I was responsible for my failed marriages. It was very painful. I sobbed that night and all the next day. I felt that Laura Doyle understood my pain because she had made the same mistakes and still saved her marriage. Under my pain, I felt a glimmer of hope.
When I returned, I decided to experiment. When Doug asked which cell phone service plan he should pick, I said, “Whatever you think.” Those were completely foreign words to me, but I wanted to test the principles I’d read in Laura’s book, so I just said what she said to say. My husband was nervous because he was sure he would “blow it” and hear about it from me later, so he asked again, “No, really–what should I do?” I said, “Whatever you think. I trust you to make that decision.”
That night we crawled into bed together for the first time in months, and my husband said, “Boy, you have been so nice tonight.” Tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought, “Oh my gosh! This works!” I felt like I turned my marriage around in one night. That was in 2001. Next, I fired my therapist and hired Laura Doyle instead.
I let go of how my husband managed his life, the kids and chores around the house, and I started taking better care of myself. I even handed over the chore of managing the finances, which my husband took on because he wanted to please me. Soon we were blissfully happy again–just like when we met. Now he surprises me with presents, and romantic trips. We just celebrated our 22nd anniversary and it was truly joyful.
It seemed so simple once I learned the skills.
If you feel like you are in charge, or you’re lonely, or you can’t figure out why your husband no longer pays attention to you–I certainly know what that’s like. I had a blind spot worth uncovering to restore the intimacy in my marriage. What made all the difference was investing in myself, seeking support and surrounding myself with a group of like-minded women. Now I’m on a journey to end world divorce.
Laura and I want to help you have the same kind of intimacy, passion and peace in your relationship. To learn how, apply for a Discovery Session here