Laura Doyle Relationship Coach
From Infertility to Intimacy: Passing the Test
I always wondered how my relationship would be tested. It seemed everyone else around us was dealing with something. Would it be an affair? An addiction? An illness? A test, to see if my marriage had what it takes. I never in a million years would have guessed that infertility would be our test.
During the first few years of marriage, my husband and I had a good relationship. We were both quite independent and loved that about each other. He was incredibly thoughtful and romantic, but his gestures made me feel awkward and undeserving, so I rejected them. Even though I secretly craved more of what he was offering, over time the gifts and compliments faded into the background. Things were still peaceful. We were fine. I desired more but knew no one else who had what I wanted, so I thought my desires were unrealistic. Life went on. We welcomed our first daughter shortly after celebrating our second anniversary. We were happy and excited to grow our little family.
At our five-year anniversary, I suffered a devastating miscarriage that went on to cause secondary infertility. I was shattered and became obsessed about finding a solution to having more children. I felt ashamed and guilty about not being able to create the family I had always dreamed of. Years of being poked and prodded by doctors and being told there was something very wrong with my most intimate lady parts eroded my confidence and my femininity. The more I tried to control our fertility journey, the more distant and reserved my husband became. So I shut down and tried to hide my emotions, which caused an even bigger disconnect.
We celebrated the birth of out miracle twins in October 2014. We were both over-the-moon excited that we had been able complete our family. However, a hectic schedule with two newborns and a five year old, combined with very little sleep, was not conducive to a close and intimate relationship. For an entire year, we existed like coworkers on shift work, and the rift continued to grow.
The week we celebrated the twins’ first birthday, it struck me that I had no idea what was going on in my husband’s life. While I spent all day and night with our kids, several nights a week he was out socializing with friends or playing hockey. When he was home, we rarely said more than ten words in passing to each other.
I was completely overwhelmed and depleted. I felt like I was doing everything myself and started to view him more as an overgrown child than the strong and steady man I had married. I feared that we were on a path towards disaster, like so many other couples we knew. I now had the family I had always dreamed of, but would my marriage survive it?
I realized that I was going to have to find a solution on my own. I hadn’t seen many success stories with traditional counseling. A google search lead me to a book call The Surrendered Wife, which I ordered and devoured over the course of a few days. To be honest, I thought Laura was a bit crazy and her methods sounded a tad 1950s housewife-ish, but nothing else I’d tried the past nine years had worked, so I had nothing to lose by experimenting.
Within two weeks, I saw a huge shift in our marriage. I signed up for the Surrendered Wife Empowered Woman program in early January 2016 and private coaching shortly after that. Each step took me deeper into the Six Intimacy Skills™, and the results were astounding. Not only did my relationship become passionate and peaceful again, but the romantic, attentive, dependable, helpful guy I had married reemerged. I was able to heal from my infertility journey and reconnect with the vibrant, fun-loving woman I had once been.
Now, I practice surrendering in all of my relationships—with my children, other family members, coworkers, and friends. It is a life skill that no woman should be without.
Laura and I want to help you rediscover the intimacy, passion and peace in your marriage. Click here to apply for your FREE Discovery call.