Laura Doyle Relationship Coach
The Phrase that Changed My Life Forever
Mike and I sat next to each other in eleventh grade English class. I was a straight-A student, while Mike, if he even came to class, would often fall asleep at his desk. It was his way of resisting “the Man” and messing with the teacher. I wouldn’t have admitted it, but I actually found his rebellious nature attractive.
Soon after graduation, Mike and I started dating. Our relationship was passionate and fun. We were hopeless romantics dancing through life together. Unfortunately, we also had really bad fights. After dating for three years, I ended it.
Five years later, Mike came back into my life. We started dating again, and I was immediately reminded of our intense connection. We were the hopeless romantics we’d always been, but now we were more mature. He asked me to move to Mexico with him for his job and I agreed. A few years later, we got married.
But we were still getting in bad fights. The good times were wonderful, but the bad times were incredibly painful. It was an emotional rollercoaster! I sensed that even during the good times, I was missing out on our deepest possible intimacy.
I hoped the sheer strength of our affection for each other would be enough to make our relationship work. As the arguments got more frequent and intense, I started to worry that our beautiful love might be lost, that we could end up another divorce statistic. It seemed like so many couples ended up getting divorced or stayed in unhappy marriages. What made us different?
At the time I didn’t connect the fighting to my attempts to “improve” him. From the beginning of our relationship, I had served as advisor to his life. I thought I knew best about everything from what he should eat to what his political views should be and how he should interact with his family.
He would usually comply with my “helpful suggestions,” but I always felt like part of him was resisting. I didn’t realize it at the time, but now I see that when I was trying to be helpful I was actually being controlling.
Like the teenager sleeping at his desk in high school, he was staging a silent rebellion. His defiance came out of a desire to live free.
The fighting was extremely painful for me. Now I’m actually grateful for that pain because it created a desperation in me, and that’s what made me open to finding the Intimacy Skills™. I had already read several mainstream titles that contained advice such as “communication is the key to a happy marriage” and guidelines for “fighting fair.” I tried to apply the things I read, but the tension in our marriage just got worse. I struggled to get my husband to “work with me” to improve the relationship, but he resisted.
One day I was so frustrated with how implementing the advice in these books was going, I searched Amazon for anything that would help. I was looking for something unconventional because conventional wisdom was failing me. Finally I found The Surrendered Wife. I felt like Laura was speaking directly to me, revealing truths that challenged me but that I felt in my bones to be true. After poring over The Surrendered Wife, I read the rest of Laura’s books.
The first thing I started to do differently was using the phrase “whatever you think.” So when my husband expressed an idea he had or asked me about something that was on his paper, I responded with “whatever you think” instead of my usual habit of giving my opinion on everything. For example, when he told me he was thinking about the idea of changing the direction of his business, instead of saying I thought it sounded risky, I simply said, “Whatever you think.”
At first Mike didn’t know how to react. He would press me, saying he really wanted to know what I thought. I told him I trusted his judgment and often added, “You know best!” Over time, as he began to trust that he wasn’t going to “get in trouble” for the decision he made, he started taking more responsibility in the areas I used to control. For example, as I got out of the habit of giving “helpful suggestions” about his job, he completely changed careers. He is now doing something he enjoys doing and that makes him more money!
Once I saw the magic the Intimacy Skills could do, I dove in headfirst. I experienced a shift in my perspective. I now realize the importance of taking good care of myself and honoring my desires. I no longer believe my value comes from how productive and independent I can be. I take responsibility where I used to blame others. I’m finally taking my own happiness seriously. These Skills have not only improved my relationship, they’ve helped me become a more peaceful, happy person.
Now I have the intimate, loving and playful relationship I always wanted, and it just gets better and better. Conflict is extremely rare in our household, and when it does happen, it’s resolved quickly. I truly feel cherished and adored by my husband, which is such a wonderful feeling. He is constantly giving me gifts and compliments and doing things to be my hero. Our physical intimacy is off the charts. I trust him in ways I never thought possible. He even seems to be more ambitious about his job. I feel so grateful to be married to this man. I feel happier than I ever have in my life.
I became a relationship coach because these Skills work, and I love to witness and be a part of helping women experience living, passionate relationships.
Laura and I want to help you rediscover the intimacy, passion and peace in your marriage. Click here to apply for your FREE Discovery call.