Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach
When I met my husband, I immediately knew that I would marry him. It was as if the skies opened up and a voice from above spoke to me. I remember being so wide eyed, optimistic, and excited about marriage. I imagined that, once married, I would always feel loved, would never feel lonely, and could trust fully.
Needless to say, marriage wasn’t everything it was cracked up to be. After saying “I do,” it seemed that my husband completely changed and became someone I didn’t know at all. I had many disappointments, hurts, and unmet expectations. I felt like I had been bamboozled—tricked, as in a bait and switch. I believed that he was the cause of our problems and often told him, “If you would just change, then all of our marriage issues would disappear and our marriage would be great.”
I was so self-righteous and thought that he should be grateful to be lucky enough to be married to me—yet he certainly didn’t display any excitement about it. Despite the fact that we were living in a tight, 600-square-foot New York City apartment, our hearts couldn’t have been any further apart from each other. Most nights, he slept on the couch. Our marriage was ice cold, and we were no more than roommates splitting the bills.
I remember feeling so hopeless. I read every self-help book on relationships, but somehow the advice just seemed like it wasn’t the right fit for our marriage. I attended numerous marriage courses—alone. I felt like I was the only one working on our marriage, which was exhausting, especially when it was him who needed to change. He did join me at weekly meetings with spiritual couples for counseling and advice, but that seemed like putting a Band-Aid on a gashing wound that actually needed stitches.
I toyed with the thought of leaving him on a monthly basis, but my religious convictions prevented me from following through. We eventually went through a tumultuous time when leaving seemed like my only option. We went to one session of marital counseling, and the counselor said that he couldn’t help us because we needed individual counseling to address our separate issues before attempting to heal our marriage. This led me back to a place of hopelessness. It confounded me that two devoted, God-loving people couldn’t seem to make this marriage thing work. I committed to fasting and praying for our marriage.
My prayers were answered when I found a book by Laura Doyle. I listened to the audiobook The Surrendered Wife in a single sitting and immediately started implementing the Six Intimacy Skills™. They transformed my marriage instantly.
I came to understand what true respect looks like. I had always felt respect for my husband, so when he said he didn’t feel respected, I’d disregard his feelings and say, “Obviously I respect you. What are you talking about?” I was blown away when I read Laura’s description of what respect looks like to a man. I thought, “If that is respect, then no wonder my husband is miserable.” I had been giving my advice and opinions on everything. I asked questions all the time, convinced that I was connecting with him as I would with a girlfriend, when he took it as me questioning his every decision. Rather than focus on my desires, I asked him for things like he was Santa Claus, which made me come across as a whining, spoiled child and annoyed him to no end.
That was the tipping point when I realized that it was, in fact, me, rather than my husband, who had needed to change all of these years. Previously, I had complained that I was the only one doing the work in our marriage. I came to see that, as the woman, I’d always had the power to save my marriage and set the tone in my home. I just needed the right keys.
The Intimacy Skills were the keys to opening the door to having a passionate and loving marriage. It was clear to our friends that something was very different. One friend even commented that we now looked like a true family rather than two singles living together. My marriage, which had been on the brink of divorce, overnight became a loving, joyful safe haven. My husband returned to being the fun-loving, kind, compassionate, spiritual man whom I had fallen in love with and respected. I no longer felt bamboozled.
Laura and I want to help you have the same kind of intimacy, passion and peace in your relationship. To learn how, apply for a Discovery Session here.