How to Weed Out Men Who Won’t Commit
My coaching clients frequently ask me how they can stop wasting time on men who aren’t ever going to commit to them. They say things like, “I’m at the age where I know what I want and I want to get married, so I don’t want to spend time dating men who don’t want marriage. So how do I tell them that on the first date?”
Lots of women would like to know exactly how to spot these commitment-phobes and be able to un-friend them so they can move on to more promising prospects pronto.
However, that’s not how romance works. Wanting to know on the first date if the man across from you is going to be your life-long love is a little like trying to figure out if there’s a way to buy only the winning lottery ticket so you don’t waste time and money on all those losing tickets. It might be nice, but it would be a lot less exciting.
Fortunately, your odds of attracting a terrific man are much higher than your odds of winning the lottery. But part of the thrill of romance is that you can’t know for sure what’s going to happen. You don’t know how the relationship is going to affect you when you begin. Maybe the man who comes to your door or meets you for coffee will be the one you choose to spend the rest of your life with, but maybe he’ll fall short of what you want and you will be the one to decide not to commit after months of dating. That’s not something you can negotiate on the first date. Nor would you want to miss experiencing the incomparable pleasure of a romance as it unfolds.
Instead of trying to know the future, consider relaxing into the present, embracing the unknown and savoring what could be the greatest thrill of your life: Falling in love with the man who is right for you.
2 replies on “How to Weed Out Men Who Won’t Commit”
I’ve read all of your books. I’m trying really hard to implement all that I’ve read and I see big differences but one thing is a sore spot for me. My partner and I (14 years) are not married. We have been together for 14 years and have two children. After a four years, I was tired of waiting…I was getting old (had my first baby at 39) and didn’t want to miss my chance to have kids so we had babies (planned and he was completely on board). He said he didn’t have money for a ring and wanted to get me a nice one and wanted to get married. But, here we are 14 years together and I feel myself becoming really resentful that we aren’t married. He inherited some money and we built a house together–he didn’t blink an eye to spend $2,500 on “white” windows instead of what was included, or $1,000 upgrade for quartz rocks, etc. Now the money is spent and still no ring. Tonight he was showing me patio furniture for $4,000!! I said it hurts that you are so quick to spend so much money on house things and find a way (obviously he will have to save to get $4k furniture) but you say you don’t have any money for a ring. He stormed off and called me a nag and said he will never marry me, etc. I told him that after 14 years and having three (one was stillborn) of his kids, I don’t think it’s a nag to expect to be married. What am I supposed to do? Just make myself happy and not let it bother me that at almost 50 I’m introducing the dad of my kids as my boyfriend and feeling like I need to explain that we aren’t married? Or just move on and find somebody who does want to marry me, even if it means splitting up my family (which I have avoided for years).
Heather, I can see why you’re at your wits’ end! That sounds so disheartening that he’s investing in everything else except following through on marrying you. I love your commitment to practicing the Intimacy Skills and that you’re getting great results in other areas. I’ve worked with thousands of women who were frustrated at not feeling heard and being perceived as nagging. With the Skills, they learned to communicate so their men became eager to make them happy–including proposing after saying they NEVER would! I would love for him to hear you and want to please you like that, and I know that’s possible for you. I invite you to a free webinar where I empower you to do that. It’s called How to Get Respect, Reconnect and Rev Up Your Love Life. You can register for it here: https://lauradoyle.org/swewtraining/