{"id":11057,"date":"2020-08-10T10:14:13","date_gmt":"2020-08-10T17:14:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/?p=11057"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:07","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:07","slug":"why-am-i-so-angry-with-my-husband","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/why-am-i-so-angry-with-my-husband\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Am I So Angry With My Husband?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>I have a nasty confession.<\/p>\n<p>I verbally abused my husband.<\/p>\n<p>There, I said it. I used to get so angry that I just could not control my temper with him.<\/p>\n<p>I know that this doesn\u2019t get talked about much. If your husband is annoying, it\u2019s way easier to focus on his faults than to admit you\u2019re a rageaholic like I was.<\/p>\n<p>Not only was it painful and scary and out of control, something important was lost: my dignity.<\/p>\n<p>Even once I decided to change my fiery ways, however, all I could find was conventional wisdom like \u201cDon\u2019t let your anger build up\u201d or \u201cBecome aware of your anger and stop it\u201d or even \u201cTeach him what to do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Trust me, I tried that, and it only led to more spectacular fights. And if it were that easy to just stop it, I would have done it already.<\/p>\n<p>Fortunately, there are practical tools that actually work, a set of skills that allows you to become your best self and makes your man easy to get along with too!<\/p>\n<p>So if your spouse is annoying or angering, here are five ways you can trade in the resentment for romance.<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/why-am-i-so-angry-with-my-husband\/#1_Give_Your_Feelings_Their_Day_in_the_Sun\" title=\"Give Your Feelings Their Day in the Sun\">Give Your Feelings Their Day in the Sun<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/why-am-i-so-angry-with-my-husband\/#2_Rewind_the_Tape\" title=\"Rewind the Tape\u00a0\">Rewind the Tape\u00a0<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/why-am-i-so-angry-with-my-husband\/#3_Figure_Out_Exactly_What_You_Want\" title=\"Figure Out Exactly What You Want\u00a0\">Figure Out Exactly What You Want\u00a0<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/why-am-i-so-angry-with-my-husband\/#4_Express_This_Instead_of_Anger\" title=\"Express This Instead of Anger\u00a0\">Express This Instead of Anger\u00a0<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-5\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/why-am-i-so-angry-with-my-husband\/#5_Hear_His_Side_of_the_Story\" title=\"Hear His Side of the Story\u00a0\">Hear His Side of the Story\u00a0<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Give_Your_Feelings_Their_Day_in_the_Sun\"><\/span><b>1. Give Your Feelings Their Day in the Sun<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Bottling your anger is like sticking a cork in a volcano. It\u2019s going to come out one way or the other. When it comes out sideways and your frustration gets directed at, say, his dirty laundry placement, that can ultimately damage the intimacy just as much as a shouting match.<\/p>\n<p>So what are you supposed to do if you want to stop lashing out but know it\u2019s not healthy to stuff your feelings either?<\/p>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-11059\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/connect-with-husband.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/connect-with-husband.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/connect-with-husband-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/connect-with-husband-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/connect-with-husband-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/connect-with-husband-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/connect-with-husband-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>If you want to increase the connection with your man, why not call a supportive girlfriend to vent instead?<\/p>\n<p>When Sophia\u2019s husband said his midlife crisis, which had put her through hell last year, must be an annual event and he couldn\u2019t be bothered with anything again, she didn\u2019t say a word. Instead, she called her sister and let all her bad words come out there.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-1354766425\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-17020\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>She was so glad she hadn\u2019t sacrificed the intimacy because later that day her husband spontaneously joined her for a bike ride. He ran around the whole block in flip flops teaching their son to ride a bike. The endorphins kept flowing as he danced salsa with her in the living room that night&#8211;after cooking for her and doing all the dishes, not with grumbling but with joy. True story.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s crucial to give your feelings their day in the sun. Maybe journaling lets it out for you, maybe a big ugly cry, maybe thrash metal.<\/p>\n<p>As you get in touch with those feelings, you may notice that beneath the anger there\u2019s always hurt. The latter can be scary to access, much more vulnerable than the power trip of fury.<\/p>\n<p>But uncovering such vulnerability gives you the power to respond instead of react.<\/p>\n<p>Next time that hurt (or anger) comes up with your husband, try simply saying \u201cOuch!\u201d and leaving the conversation.<\/p>\n<p>When Lily\u2019s husband shook out a sandy blanket in the living room after she\u2019d been cleaning, she saw red at his thoughtlessness. But, knowing there was hurt beneath her anger, she expressed that feeling by saying \u201couch\u201d&#8211;nothing more&#8211;and leaving the room.<\/p>\n<p>As usual (now that she had the <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/relationship-intimacy-skills\/\">Six Intimacy Skills\u2122<\/a>), her husband came to find her minutes later and said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry for giving you an ouchie. I don\u2019t want to hurt you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>No cold war. No nursing a grudge for days. The resentment dissipated, just like that. Intimacy was restored effortlessly.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-3897151644\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Rewind_the_Tape\"><\/span><b> 2. Rewind the Tape\u00a0<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Every outburst has a trigger. Beyond what he did, which you can\u2019t control anyway, what was your part in it? Maybe it\u2019s as simple as you just needed a nap. It\u2019s hard to be your best self when you\u2019re exhausted or overwhelmed. Maybe you get irritable if you miss the Zumba class that fills you with joy every time.<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-11061\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/emotional-self-care.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/emotional-self-care.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/emotional-self-care-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/emotional-self-care-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/emotional-self-care-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/emotional-self-care-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/emotional-self-care-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Once you know what makes you susceptible to reacting, you get to take care of yourself so that you are the one in power, not your emotions. Being able to anticipate anger before it even arises gives you the choice of how to respond, a choice I didn\u2019t have in the bad old days.<\/p>\n<p>Speaking of healthy choices, did you know that you can actually schedule empowerment?<\/p>\n<p>Yup, and you can increase your magnetism in my Self-Care Challenge: First, list twenty self-care ideas that make you happy while you\u2019re doing them. Schedule at least three per day, putting them on the calendar as an appointment to make yourself a priority.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Maybe find a self-care buddy or get my <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/rm4o\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">FREE Roadmap<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> to keep you inspired.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Becoming responsible for your happiness is the indispensable first step to intimacy. This preventative medicine alone will bring outbursts way down.<\/p>\n<p>If anger or an \u201couch\u201d does rear its head, try piling on even more self-care. Hula hooping, puzzle solving, juicy novel reading, navel gazing or cloud gazing, whatever lights you up. The more frivolous, the better!<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Figure_Out_Exactly_What_You_Want\"><\/span><b>3. Figure Out Exactly What You Want\u00a0<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>If you\u2019re anything like I was, when you don\u2019t get what you want, the default reaction is to complain.<\/p>\n<p>When you get mad that your husband\u2019s idea of childcare is watching <i>Sopranos <\/i>reruns while your two year old fends for himself, what is it that you\u2019re wanting?<\/p>\n<p>Sure, you could let him have it for being a crappy father. But what if you tried expressing your desire in a way that inspires instead? Like telling him you\u2019d love to have a child-friendly environment.<\/p>\n<p>My student who did that was relieved when her husband agreed to put their son in daycare. Even after daycare, dad was careful not to expose him to adult TV anymore.<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-11062\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/pleasing-husband.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/pleasing-husband.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/pleasing-husband-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/pleasing-husband-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/pleasing-husband-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/pleasing-husband-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/pleasing-husband-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Believe it or not, your husband does want to please you. He just needs the information about how to do that.<\/p>\n<p>Desire is the seat of feminine power, the north star for your relationship.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_Express_This_Instead_of_Anger\"><\/span><b>4. Express This Instead of Anger\u00a0<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>When I thought my husband was a big ol\u2019 Loser Pants, I was sure to let him know. I thought he needed that \u201chelpful\u201d information so he could change. The problem was he didn\u2019t want to be around me much anymore.<\/p>\n<p>If your man seems like a lousy husband, father, or homeowner (or all of the above), how has it served you to point out the error of his ways or tell him how to change?<\/p>\n<p>If that\u2019s not working for you so well either, I have a radical idea you could try instead: expressing appreciation instead of anger.<\/p>\n<p>I know it sounds crazy when he\u2019s falling so short and you\u2019re doing so much, but bear with me for a minute.<\/p>\n<p>Imagine if you were to be on the lookout for opportunities to catch him doing something good. By doing this detective work, you\u2019re likely to find such opportunities a lot more.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-11063\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/what-you-focus-on-increases.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/what-you-focus-on-increases.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/what-you-focus-on-increases-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/what-you-focus-on-increases-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/what-you-focus-on-increases-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/what-you-focus-on-increases-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/what-you-focus-on-increases-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s because what you focus on increases, so focusing on his faults or what you\u2019re not getting actually magnifies the problem.<\/p>\n<p>Especially when it comes to men. Chances are you\u2019ve experienced that, as author John Gray puts it, \u201cWhen a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If your husband leaves his wet towel on the bathroom floor and even gently reminding him fuels his compulsion to repeat the annoying behavior, what the heck are you supposed to do?<\/p>\n<p>Why not wait for that one time he does hang up his towel&#8230; and thank him?<\/p>\n<p>Receiving such appreciation feels good. Then <i>that\u2019s<\/i> the behavior he\u2019ll want to repeat. It\u2019s a virtuous cycle.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re struggling to shake off the funk of resentment, I invite you to start a gratitude list. Write down every single thing, big or small, you\u2019re thankful for about your husband. He works hard for the family or gave you a baby, he took out the trash or carried a dish to the sink. Every time you catch him doing something good, add it to the list.<\/p>\n<p>Your marriage will soon look so much better by changing your perspectacles alone. If you really want to jumpstart the connection, express at least three of your gratitudes to him daily.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"5_Hear_His_Side_of_the_Story\"><\/span><b>5. Hear His Side of the Story\u00a0<\/b><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Obviously, your man is not a trained monkey. If he hasn\u2019t done something he promised, like doing the taxes that day, maybe he had a rough day at work and simply forgot.<\/p>\n<p>Here are three magic words for bringing back the safety and trust in your marriage: \u201cI hear you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-11064\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/respectful-listening.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/respectful-listening.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/respectful-listening-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/respectful-listening-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/respectful-listening-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/respectful-listening-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/respectful-listening-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>In other words, you\u2019re not agreeing or disagreeing, not trying to fix anything. You\u2019re simply listening.<\/p>\n<p>It might be hard at first when you\u2019re so used to giving your opinion, but most women find that it\u2019s actually freeing. And the more you listen respectfully, the more he\u2019ll want to open up and share with you.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s also surprisingly sexy. It\u2019s true&#8211;respect is the biggest aphrodisiac for men.<\/p>\n<p>Having all the answers and knowing better than him may feel empowering, but it also makes you feel kinda like his mom. And nobody wants to have sex with his mother.<\/p>\n<p>So saying \u201cI hear you\u201d is a simple and powerful way to bring back the romance too.<\/p>\n<p>Which of these techniques will you experiment with today?<\/p>\n<p>I acknowledge you for being ready to leave the rage monster behind. Here\u2019s to becoming your best self&#8211;and having the intimacy you\u2019ve always desired.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I have a nasty confession. I verbally abused my husband. There, I said it. I used to get so angry that I just could not control my temper with him. I know that this doesn\u2019t get talked about much. If your husband is annoying, it\u2019s way easier to focus on his faults than to admit\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/why-am-i-so-angry-with-my-husband\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":11065,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[708],"tags":[237,238,236,235],"app":[],"class_list":["post-11057","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","tag-angry-husband","tag-husband-and-wife-angry","tag-i-get-angry-all-the-time","tag-my-husband-makes-me-angry"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Why Am I So Angry With My Husband [5 Powerful Secrets]<\/title>\n<meta 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