{"id":11176,"date":"2020-10-05T16:44:03","date_gmt":"2020-10-05T23:44:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/?p=11176"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:06","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:06","slug":"disrespect-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/disrespect-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Deal With Disrespect in Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>If your husband criticizes you, it hurts.\u00a0 You\u2019re doing so much, yet somehow it\u2019s not enough.\u00a0 No matter how hard you try, your parenting, your housekeeping, or your work just don\u2019t measure up&#8211;or so he would have you think.<\/p>\n<p>Or maybe he tries to control how you do things, like \u201ccorrect\u201d grocery storage or underwear rotation.<\/p>\n<p>Worse, he speaks to you like he wouldn\u2019t even speak to a dog, yelling, swearing or calling you names.\u00a0 Having such a verbally abusive husband is a devastating red flag.<\/p>\n<p>Perhaps he just keeps getting annoyed with you for no apparent reason at all, making you feel like a supreme irritant who\u2019s worthless and totally unattractive.<\/p>\n<p>That is such a lonely place to be.<\/p>\n<p>I know because I used to be there.<\/p>\n<p>The good news is that if you\u2019re seeing any of these troubling signs of a disrespectful husband, there is still hope for fixing your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Here are four counterintuitive secrets for dealing with disrespect in a relationship so you can get the <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/respect-in-marriage\/\">respect<\/a> you deserve.<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/disrespect-in-marriage\/#1_Change_the_Dance\" title=\"Change the Dance\">Change the Dance<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/disrespect-in-marriage\/#2_Learn_the_Magic_Words_to_Restore_Respect\" title=\"Learn the Magic Words to Restore Respect\">Learn the Magic Words to Restore Respect<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/disrespect-in-marriage\/#3_Lead_By_Example\" title=\"Lead By Example\">Lead By Example<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/disrespect-in-marriage\/#4_Show_Up_as_Your_Best_Self\" title=\"Show Up as Your Best Self\">Show Up as Your Best Self<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Change_the_Dance\"><\/span>1. Change the Dance<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-11177 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/ground-rules-in-a-relationship.jpg\" alt=\"How to deal with disrespect in your marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/ground-rules-in-a-relationship.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/ground-rules-in-a-relationship-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/ground-rules-in-a-relationship-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/ground-rules-in-a-relationship-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/ground-rules-in-a-relationship-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/ground-rules-in-a-relationship-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>If you have no power to prevent your partner from being verbally disrespectful or exploding on you, what choice does that leave but divorce?\u00a0 Or staying a victim.<\/p>\n<p>Actually, there is an alternative.<\/p>\n<p>As a woman, you are the keeper of the relationship.\u00a0 That means YOU have the power to set the ground rules for respect.<\/p>\n<p>Your man\u2019s filter could be very different from yours (or seemingly nonexistent).\u00a0 He may not even realize that his words hurt you.<\/p>\n<p>Fortunately, you can teach him to treat you, in a hurry.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-976001252\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>When he says something hurtful, say OUCH and leave the room.<\/p>\n<p>If he does something angering, say OUCH and leave the conversation.<\/p>\n<p>He might not like it at first.\u00a0 At all.<\/p>\n<p>He may say \u201c<i>Ouch<\/i>!\u00a0 What\u2019s <i>ouch<\/i>?\u201d\u00a0 He could make a weird face.<\/p>\n<p>In my experience, such reactions are a good thing.\u00a0 They confirm that you are changing the dance.\u00a0 Chances are it\u2019s an old dance, and it\u2019s courageous of you to teach him new dance steps.\u00a0 That\u2019s why I get a perverse pleasure from watching husbands squirm.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s also because I know what happens when a wife continues the new dance steps.\u00a0 What happened for me is that 99% of the hurt is gone.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s no more choosing my battles.\u00a0 The battle days are gone.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-2392128411\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Learn_the_Magic_Words_to_Restore_Respect\"><\/span>2. Learn the Magic Words to Restore Respect<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-11178\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/respect-your-husband.jpg\" alt=\"How to deal with disrespect in your marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/respect-your-husband.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/respect-your-husband-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/respect-your-husband-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/respect-your-husband-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/respect-your-husband-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/respect-your-husband-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>There is a catch.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOuch\u201d will not work too well if you have already been disrespectful yourself.<\/p>\n<p>I know that being respectful sounds easy enough.\u00a0 In the bad old days, I would have told you I was totally <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-respect-your-husband\/\">respectful to my man<\/a>!\u00a0 <i>Except <\/i>for how he watched too much TV, ate all that junk, was such a slob, and didn\u2019t make enough money.<\/p>\n<p>You see, I had no idea what respect looks like for a man.<\/p>\n<p>I didn\u2019t know that when I rolled my eyes at him, contradicted him, or told him what to do, I was sucking the oxygen out of our relationship.<\/p>\n<p>As much as I wanted to point the finger at him for being mean, I myself said horrible things to my husband to lay him low.<\/p>\n<p>If there\u2019s hope for an ex-rageaholic like me, there is definitely hope for you.<\/p>\n<p>Today I get to show up dignified.\u00a0 But that doesn\u2019t mean I\u2019m perfect.<\/p>\n<p>When I do criticize his client, like I did recently, trying to control his business decision (which is really none of my business), I have a magical phrase for that too.<\/p>\n<p>Are you ready?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI apologize for being disrespectful when I&#8230;\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Fill in the blank with what you did, leaving out any <i>if<\/i>\u2019s, <i>and<\/i>\u2019s, or <i>but<\/i>\u2019s.\u00a0 \u201cSorry <i>if <\/i>I hurt you\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m sorry <i>but <\/i>I felt hurt when YOU said\u2026\u201d completely undoes the apology.<\/p>\n<p>Sure, this phrase will probably feel like sand in your mouth at first.\u00a0 But having the accountability and humility to clean up your side of the street turns out to be enormously empowering.<\/p>\n<p>It also restores the intimacy in a hurry so cold wars are a thing of the past.<\/p>\n<p>Just ask Kelly.\u00a0 When her husband seemed annoyed by her very existence, she got pretty annoyed herself.\u00a0 How could he treat her so disrespectfully?<\/p>\n<p>Since she was feeling disrespected, she decided to look at how <i>she <\/i>had been doing when it came to showing respect.\u00a0 Sure enough, she\u2019d been trying to control how he handled their extermination, trying to get it done on her schedule before they left town by asking \u201chelpful\u201d questions like \u201cDo you want me to call the exterminator?\u201d (with the subtext that he wasn\u2019t capable).<\/p>\n<p>Once she used her magic words to restore respect, her husband\u2019s entire demeanor changed.<\/p>\n<p>He thanked her for doing so much to prepare for their trip.\u00a0 He insisted she relax and go get her nails done.\u00a0 Being stuck in the car with two little ones for fourteen hours ended up being a romantic road trip, where he couldn\u2019t do enough for her!<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Lead_By_Example\"><\/span>3. Lead By Example<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-11179\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/appreciate-husband.jpg\" alt=\"How can I deal with disrespect in my marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/appreciate-husband.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/appreciate-husband-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/appreciate-husband-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/appreciate-husband-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/appreciate-husband-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/appreciate-husband-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>What if your husband is complaining about the messy house, as if you haven\u2019t been working all day yourself, or the kids\u2019 behavior, as if you\u2019re now falling short as a mom too?<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s hard not to take such complaints personally.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re reading this, you know by now that taking his bait and explaining, justifying, debating, or defending the kids or yourself will only escalate things.<\/p>\n<p>If his words are <i>not<\/i> hurtful, why not simply say \u201cI hear you\u201d?<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re not agreeing or disagreeing.\u00a0 You\u2019re simply listening respectfully.<\/p>\n<p>And that is attractive.\u00a0 If you\u2019re missing the deep talks you used to have, there\u2019s no surer way to create the safety to bring those back.<\/p>\n<p>If you want to supercharge your new Intimacy Skills, how about appreciating something you do respect about him?<\/p>\n<p>Sure, it\u2019s tempting to call him out for spending extra hours at work when you need help at home.\u00a0 What would happen if you were to nix the complaining, instead telling him how grateful you are for him working so hard and being such a provider?<\/p>\n<p>Or to express gratitude for his unique way of showing affection?\u00a0 Maybe he isn\u2019t a whiz with his words but he makes your coffee every morning, with two sugars just the way you like it.<\/p>\n<p>Not only will he be inspired to please you even more, he\u2019ll start expressing the appreciation you so deserve.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_Show_Up_as_Your_Best_Self\"><\/span>4. Show Up as Your Best Self<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-11180\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/self-care-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"How can I deal with disrespect in my marriage?\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/self-care-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/self-care-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/self-care-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/self-care-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/self-care-in-marriage-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/self-care-in-marriage-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Such experiments may be a stretch for you.<\/p>\n<p>But if you\u2019re as stressed, exhausted, or overwhelmed as I used to be, they\u2019ll be more than a stretch&#8211;they just ain\u2019t gonna happen.<\/p>\n<p>When I\u2019m depleted, self-care is the first thing to go out the window.<\/p>\n<p>These days I make it a point to do at least three self-care activities a day, like playing volleyball, having lunch with a girlfriend, napping, singing, bike riding, getting a facial, or going to the bookstore for tea.<\/p>\n<p>When I\u2019m filled up, I can show up as my best self.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not alone either.<\/p>\n<p>Rita was terrified when, after twelve years of marriage, her husband became a <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/selfish-husband-the-cure-for-the-chronically-self-consumed-man\/\">selfish<\/a>, grumpy workaholic who insisted on the house being tidy at all times&#8211;even though they had toddlers!\u00a0 But he was too busy working to help with the family, so Rita was stuck being responsible for everything.\u00a0 Any attempt to talk about it would result in a cold war for days.<\/p>\n<p>After a few weeks of piling on self-care, the next thing she knew he was asking her out on a date with a shy smile.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c<i>Yes, yes, yes<\/i>.\u00a0 I felt on a high!\u201d she recalls.\u00a0 \u201cI was so excited about it that I couldn&#8217;t stop smiling the whole evening out with him!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>What self-care would fill you up?<\/p>\n<p>Especially if you are feeling disrespected, what personal de-escalation tactics would work for you?\u00a0 Taking a walk, listening to a guided meditation, or punching a pillow?<\/p>\n<p>For me, social self-care is a must, including surrounding myself with like-minded women as committed to marriage as I am.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If it\u2019s hard to come by women who support <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">your<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> vision for your relationship, check out my <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/rm4o\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">FREE Roadmap<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Now that you have the tools to create mutual respect in your marriage, which one will you try first?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If your husband criticizes you, it hurts.\u00a0 You\u2019re doing so much, yet somehow it\u2019s not enough.\u00a0 No matter how hard you try, your parenting, your housekeeping, or your work just don\u2019t measure up&#8211;or so he would have you think. Or maybe he tries to control how you do things, like \u201ccorrect\u201d grocery storage or underwear\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/disrespect-in-marriage\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":11181,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[708],"tags":[284,283,285],"app":[],"class_list":["post-11176","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","tag-how-can-i-deal-with-a-disrespecful-husband","tag-my-husband-is-so-disrespecful","tag-what-to-do-with-a-disrespectful-husband"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Deal With Disrespect in Marriage [4 Simple Steps]<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Are you living in a disrespectful marriage? 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