{"id":12897,"date":"2021-06-08T18:41:52","date_gmt":"2021-06-09T01:41:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/?p=12897"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:03","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:03","slug":"when-your-husband-chooses-friends-over-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/when-your-husband-chooses-friends-over-you\/","title":{"rendered":"When Your Husband Chooses Friends Over You"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Does your husband always have friends over? Or talk to his best friend more than you?<\/p>\n<p>Worse yet, how are you supposed to deal with a husband who goes out all the time?<\/p>\n<p>Whether he\u2019s a social butterfly or a barfly, not being his number one is downright disappointing. It can feel hopeless and so lonely. And make you angry too! Going it alone surely isn\u2019t what you had in mind when you said \u201cI do.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Maybe you\u2019ve tried throwing down the gauntlet and told him you need him to spend more time with you. If so, you already know that setting ultimatums and making him choose only pushes him further away.<\/p>\n<p>Fortunately, there is an alternative, one that actually works.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s what to do when your husband puts his friends first so that you can become irresistible and get the attention you deserve.<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/when-your-husband-chooses-friends-over-you\/#1_Learn_How_to_Navigate_Control\" title=\" Learn How to Navigate Control\"> Learn How to Navigate Control<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/when-your-husband-chooses-friends-over-you\/#2_Respect_His_Guy_Time\" title=\" Respect His Guy Time\"> Respect His Guy Time<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/when-your-husband-chooses-friends-over-you\/#3_Find_Your_Independence\" title=\" Find Your Independence\"> Find Your Independence<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/when-your-husband-chooses-friends-over-you\/#4_Make_Your_Couple_Moments_Memorable\" title=\" Make Your Couple Moments Memorable\"> Make Your Couple Moments Memorable<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Learn_How_to_Navigate_Control\"><\/span>1) Learn How to Navigate Control<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-12900 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-talk-to-you.jpg\" alt=\"how to get your husband to talk to you\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-talk-to-you.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-talk-to-you-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-talk-to-you-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-talk-to-you-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-talk-to-you-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-talk-to-you-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>How have you tried to get your man to spend more time with you?<\/p>\n<p>I asked nicely. I asked angrily. I pleaded. I told him how I felt. (I felt like he\u2019d rather unclog his mom\u2019s toilet than spend time with me.)<\/p>\n<p>Criticizing, cajoling, and controlling didn\u2019t feel very dignified.<\/p>\n<p>Worse yet, none of it worked!<\/p>\n<p>The only relationship that improved was his relationship with the remote.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s because all my misguided attempts to make him spend time with me were disrespectful. And I had no idea that respect is like oxygen for men.<\/p>\n<p>I had no idea I was being disrespectful, for that matter.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-3731104700\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>That\u2019s because disrespect and inappropriate control can look a lot like being the best wife ever.<\/p>\n<p>Exhibit A: Yvonne felt like she had to drop what she wanted to do to be at her husband\u2019s disposal if she was to have any chance of spending time together. This meant being at his beck and call for three-hour talks, even if she was hungry or yawning or really had to pee.<\/p>\n<p>They were on the brink of divorce, and if she rocked the boat she feared he would be gone for good. He had resolved to stay away from her, so she had to take what she could get, whatever it might cost her\u2026<\/p>\n<p>Right?<\/p>\n<p>As considerate as all of this seemed toward him, somehow it was never enough. With the support of her relationship coach, Yvonne saw that bending over backwards for him wasn\u2019t serving her but was part of what had led to their breakdown. She realized that trying to make him happy out of fear of displeasing him was actually a form of manipulation.<\/p>\n<p>So she changed the dance.<\/p>\n<p>The next time he launched into one of their marathon talks, she told him she needed to go eat\u2013a brave start to putting her own needs and limitations first.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s when a surprising thing happened. He started being more considerate of her. He offered to talk earlier, when she had more time.<\/p>\n<p>The tone of their talks changed too. He went from clearly not enjoying it, just going through the motions to do his sacrificial duty as a husband, to wanting to talk to her.<\/p>\n<p>He giggled, \u201cI always have time for my wife\u201d\u2013and meant it. He not only started asking to spend time together, he asked to reconcile. These days, they spend lots of time together (something they used to fight over).<\/p>\n<p>What are some ways you\u2019ve tried to be a good wife that don\u2019t seem to be serving you?<\/p>\n<p>Making his meals every day but not letting him have a say with parenting? Trying to help with his diet, wardrobe, or career (kinda like his mom would)? Or \u201chelping\u201d with decisions by bringing in the debate team?<\/p>\n<p>How could you change the dance to let him be The Man and step up as your hero?<\/p>\n<p>Because when you start showing that you trust his thinking and expect the best outcome, that\u2019s exactly what he\u2019ll do.<\/p>\n<p>And if he wants a guy\u2019s night every week, there\u2019s an opportunity right there to show that you do respect his choices.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-3930493879\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Respect_His_Guy_Time\"><\/span>2) Respect His Guy Time<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-12901\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-spend-time-with-you.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-spend-time-with-you.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-spend-time-with-you-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-spend-time-with-you-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-spend-time-with-you-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-spend-time-with-you-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-spend-time-with-you-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>It can be hurtful when he retreats into his man cave. Here you\u2019ve spent all day looking forward to the moment you can snuggle together on the sofa with a bottle of wine and Netflix. But when the kids are finally in bed, he hightails it out to the porch to play online poker. It\u2019s hard not to take that personally.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sure, the dreaded man cave can be a symptom of the disrespect and control we\u2019ve been talking about.\u00a0 But once you\u2019ve restored respect and let go of inappropriate control, in <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/podcast\/031-15-signs-youre-not-controlling\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">its many guises<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, there\u2019s a good chance that his retreat has nothing to do with you.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Maybe he had a stressful day or just needs some me time. That\u2019s right: Men need self-care too.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re anything like I was, you already know how attractive it is to try to make him be with you; it\u2019s like trying to stick two magnets together the wrong way.<\/p>\n<p>For different results, why not try a different approach?<\/p>\n<p>Like giving him space instead of trying to force those magnets.<\/p>\n<p>Leslie kept trying to make her husband, Rick, spend family time going for a walk. But Rick just seemed to sink deeper into the sofa when she\u2019d make the dreaded announcement that it was time for a walk (her cue to give him the evil eye).<\/p>\n<p>She recognized that this dynamic was not working, so she decided to switch her approach. In fact, she let go of trying to get him to do anything. After all, she\u2019d spent years trying to control him and he was less inclined than ever to please her. So she focused on pleasing herself. Instead of expecting him to fulfill her desires, she honored them herself, including going for her evening walk.<\/p>\n<p>Rick seemed relieved that she wasn\u2019t asking anything of him. He even thanked her for it, as if she were finally hearing him. Even his favorite T-shirt had been trying to tell her: \u201cI need my space\u201d (said a stargazer under the NASA logo).<\/p>\n<p>Then, one day as she headed out the door with the kids, Rick shouted, \u201cWait for me!\u201d and scrambled to get his shoes on.<\/p>\n<p>It felt so good not only that he was spending time with her but that he was doing it because he wanted to.<\/p>\n<p>Turns out, respecting a man\u2019s need for space is pretty attractive\u2013and great for the relationship. Having his own life apart from you (work, hobbies, friends, his guy time) actually helps him to be a good husband.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Find_Your_Independence\"><\/span>3) Find Your Independence<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-12902\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-care-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-care-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-care-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-care-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-care-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-care-in-marriage-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-care-in-marriage-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Even if you\u2019re determined to respect his guy time, you\u2019re only human. You might get annoyed when he\u2019s at that darn video game again or watching the Walking Dead marathon until he starts to resemble a zombie himself. Except a zombie would actually acknowledge your existence.<\/p>\n<p>If you find yourself begrudging his self-care, that is valuable information. Because it\u2019s usually a warning light that your self-care tank is starting to run low.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s tempting to take the bait that you\u2019re the only grown-up in the house and now have to do dinner, cleanup, bathtime and bedtime since he obviously has no intention of lifting a finger. However, you know that doing everything yourself will make you resentful.<\/p>\n<p>Well, you could choose resentment, sure. Or you could choose intimacy. What if you were to hightail it out the door yourself? Or to the bathtub? Or to bed for a catnap?<\/p>\n<p>I know, I know. You\u2019re the wife! You don\u2019t have that luxury. Somebody has to get it done.<\/p>\n<p>The question is: Who put it all on your shoulders?<\/p>\n<p>In my case, it was me. Once I quit the nasty habit of doing everything myself, there was a lot more space for my husband to step up and be the hero. And as it turns out, I love my space too. Because he even started doing dishes. Then, he started doing all the dishes! To this day, I do not have to wash a dirty dish.<\/p>\n<p>This is about honoring yourself\u2013your limitations, your desires, and your need for your own self-care. That\u2019s right\u2013I said need. Just as respect is like oxygen for men, self-care is like oxygen for women.<\/p>\n<p>This is not about having a power struggle to make him do anything or about bowing to his whims either.<\/p>\n<p>That goes for spending time together too. If he only spends time with you if his friends cancel on him, you can respectfully say that you have other plans. Setting the stage for self-respect has a way of inspiring him to follow suit.<\/p>\n<p>Part of Yvonne\u2019s recipe for becoming \u201csuper happy,\u201d as she came to describe herself, was cultivating her own life rich in self-care. She even gave herself permission to move to an expensive apartment where she could take walks around the marina.<\/p>\n<p>What would make you super happy?<\/p>\n<p>For me, the answer meant scrapping my old ideas about what I thought constituted self-care. Yoga, chia seed green juice, and boot camp workouts were all good for me, sure, but they did not feel joyful while I was doing them.<\/p>\n<p>Volleyball, poker, and chocolate, on the other hand, did.<\/p>\n<p>Some essentials on my list are creative, spiritual, and social self-care. Surrounding yourself with your own circle of friends or a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/groups\/AdoredWife\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">community of like-minded women<\/a> is healthy for both you and your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>What\u2019s on your self-care list?<\/p>\n<p>What if you started to schedule at least three things from your list every day? Imagine what it would look like to be so filled up that you could show up to your relationship as your best self.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s what I see: Your man will immediately go out of his way to be in your presence. It\u2019s a virtuous cycle where he\u2019ll want to do even more to add to your happiness. That\u2019s because nothing is more contagious than his wife\u2019s happiness!<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_Make_Your_Couple_Moments_Memorable\"><\/span>4) Make Your Couple Moments Memorable<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-12903\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-awareness-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-awareness-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-awareness-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-awareness-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-awareness-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-awareness-in-marriage-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/self-awareness-in-marriage-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Piling on your own self-care not only frees you from resenting him for being the King of Self-Care; it is the key to turning the magnet around the right way.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It empowers you to honor how you feel and what you want.\u00a0 To make your favorite meal or order it if you\u2019re too tired to cook.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To show up fun and flirty.\u00a0 To flaunt your femininity, putting on an outfit you feel great in (and feeling even better when he starts to notice you again).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To break your routine.\u00a0 To mention (while telling him how much you loved your previous sex sesh) something you\u2019d love to try next time you\u2019re in the bedroom.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To express your desires in a way that inspires, like mentioning that you\u2019d love to visit Tennessee or Bali.\u00a0 (Yvonne told her husband she wanted to move to Florida, and less than two months later they did just that!)<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To send him sexy texts, watch a funny movie, share inside jokes.\u00a0 To remember the old days, including what attracted you to him&#8211;and to remember the woman you were when you attracted him.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Now that you have all these powerful ways to become your man\u2019s priority, what will you do first to prioritize yourself?<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Does your husband always have friends over? Or talk to his best friend more than you? Worse yet, how are you supposed to deal with a husband who goes out all the time? Whether he\u2019s a social butterfly or a barfly, not being his number one is downright disappointing. It can feel hopeless and so\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/when-your-husband-chooses-friends-over-you\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":12899,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[714],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-12897","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-and-relationships"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>When Your Husband Chooses Friends Over You [Do this]<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Does it feel like your husband always chooses friends over you? 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