<\/span><\/h2>\n![\"focus](\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/focus-in-marriage.jpg\")
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Everyday communication can be a lot more mundane than truffle foraging. Like when the trash can is overflowing and he seems oblivious even though that\u2019s supposed to be his department.<\/p>\n
In the bad old days, I could not figure out how to get my husband to take out the trash or do anything else to help around the house, a major source of conflict. It was so frustrating!<\/p>\n
I would say things just like, \u201cI would really like it if you could take out the trash today, John.\u201d He would resist mightily and I would be resentful, and he would be withdrawn and the trash would smell, or I\u2019d take it out myself and be even more resentful. Then that would come out sideways and I\u2019d have a full-on ugly rage at him and then the inevitable emotional hangover from that rage.<\/p>\n
Instead of taking the direct route of asking him to take it out, it seems gentler to hint that the trash can is full. Sounds innocent enough, right?<\/p>\n
Not if the goal is to have an empty trash can and<\/em> a playful, passionate relationship.<\/p>\nThat\u2019s because if your husband is the primary trash taker outter, the subtext of hinting that the trash is full is: \u201cYou didn\u2019t take out the trash again, Mr. Lazy Pants.\u201d In other words, it\u2019s a complaint.<\/p>\n
The problem with complaining is that you have your manifester pointed to the thing you don\u2019t want to be experiencing, like an overflowing trash can. Since what you focus on increases, complaining, even if it\u2019s buttoned up and said in a nice tone of voice, just insures that you\u2019re going to experience more of the same, which in this case is overflowing trash cans.<\/p>\n
What if instead of observing that the trash can was full, you caught him doing something good?<\/p>\n
So when the bin is empty you could say, \u201cI notice the trash can is empty again! Thanks!\u201d Wouldn\u2019t that also be a true statement? The subtext here is \u201cI see how you contributed to cleaning our house.\u201d<\/p>\n
These days, my husband takes out the trash so much that I rarely even notice it being full, not to mention him always cleaning the kitchen, charging the car, and lots of other stuff to lighten my load.<\/p>\n
In fact, in thinking about this topic, I just told him, \u201cI\u2019m so happy and grateful you always take out the trash and I never even think about it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He replied, \u201cI better check on it now to make sure it\u2019s empty in case you want to throw something away.\u201d So he did, but it was already three-quarters empty. So nothing to do there.<\/p>\n
Even if I said \u201cI would like it if you could take out the trash today, Mr. Lazy Pants,\u201d I have a lot of emotional safety in the bank around here because I don\u2019t usually say things like that. So maybe it would be okay and he\u2019d take it out. I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
What I do know is that I feel better and happier focusing on how good I have it than I do focusing on what he didn\u2019t do that I think he should have. And I like myself more when I hear gratitude coming out of my mouth than poorly disguised complaints.<\/p>\n
He responds to me so much better too.<\/p>\n