{"id":13731,"date":"2021-11-24T07:00:19","date_gmt":"2021-11-24T15:00:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/?p=13731"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:33:59","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:33:59","slug":"family-interference-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/family-interference-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Family Interference in Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Over 60% of women reported that their relationship with their mother-in-law caused lasting stress and unhappiness. Even more of them&#8211;two-thirds&#8211;\u201dbelieved that their husband&#8217;s mother frequently exhibited jealous, maternal love towards their sons,\u201d according to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/lifeandstyle\/2008\/nov\/30\/women-family\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">one study<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>No wonder it\u2019s so hard and painful when parents interfere in marriage.<\/p>\n<p>You might even feel, as some sources say, that your intrusive in-laws \u201care dangerous\u201d because \u201cthey either endanger the marriage, impede its growth, or divert it into other directions.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>In-laws\u2019 interference in marriage is so well documented that it\u2019s not unusual to see titles like <a href=\"https:\/\/www.parents.com\/parenting\/dynamics\/grandparents\/hating-your-in-laws\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u201cHow to Stop Hating Your In-Laws,\u201d<\/a> which asserts that \u201cevery mom clashes with her in-laws.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If this is all starting to sound pretty bleak, like there\u2019s no alternative but to resign yourself to this hopeless state of affairs, you\u2019re not alone. It is easy to feel hopeless if your husband\u2019s family is ruining your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>But does that have to be the case?<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re ready for some good news on how to deal with extended family in marriage (finally!), here are four ways to win over your overbearing in-laws.<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/family-interference-in-marriage\/#1_Say_I_Cant%E2%80%A6\" title=\" Say \u201cI Can\u2019t\u201d&#8230;\"> Say \u201cI Can\u2019t\u201d&#8230;<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/family-interference-in-marriage\/#2_%E2%80%A6But_He_Can\" title=\" &#8230;But He Can\"> &#8230;But He Can<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/family-interference-in-marriage\/#3_Stop_MIL_Bashing\" title=\" Stop MIL Bashing\"> Stop MIL Bashing<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/family-interference-in-marriage\/#4_Experiment_with_Gratitude\" title=\" Experiment with Gratitude\"> Experiment with Gratitude<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Say_I_Cant%E2%80%A6\"><\/span>1) Say \u201cI Can\u2019t\u201d&#8230;<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-13734\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/limits-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"limits in marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/limits-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/limits-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/limits-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/limits-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/limits-in-marriage-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/limits-in-marriage-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s all about boundaries.<\/p>\n<p>Right?<\/p>\n<p>Maybe that\u2019s what you\u2019d expect to hear because you hear it everywhere. But there\u2019s a problem with trying to get someone else to respect your boundaries.<\/p>\n<p>If your mother-in-law makes your kid eat every last bite of the food on his plate, for example, and you\u2019re not a fan of force-feeding because you want your child to have a healthy relationship with food, of course you can kindly request that she do things your way.<\/p>\n<p>But you can\u2019t make her. That\u2019s because you can\u2019t control another person. You can only control yourself.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, you could exert control by refusing to allow the kids ever to visit her again. But if you\u2019re reading this article about how to improve relations with your in-laws, that\u2019s probably not what you had in mind.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-1659479105\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>I invite you to give this some thought instead: What are <em>your<\/em> limits, based on what you can control?<\/p>\n<p>Maybe those limits include staying at the family BBQ no more than two hours then having an exit plan so you can do your thing. Or leaving the room when your in-laws start debating politics and you don\u2019t want to get triggered. Or not caving when your mother-in-law keeps trying to fill your plate a third time.<\/p>\n<p>Honoring such limits by saying \u201cI can\u2019t\u201d to anything that would make you resentful or cost you self-care can be scary if you don\u2019t want to rock the boat.<\/p>\n<p>But in my experience, pushing through those fears is a beautiful thing: It\u2019s self-honoring, which teaches others how to treat you too. And, in doing the scary thing, you get to show vulnerability. While casting aside people-pleasing seems like it would cost you intimacy, instead it creates even more connection.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-1790382765\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_%E2%80%A6But_He_Can\"><\/span>2) &#8230;But He Can<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-13735\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/accept-your-husband.jpg\" alt=\"accept your husband\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/accept-your-husband.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/accept-your-husband-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/accept-your-husband-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/accept-your-husband-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/accept-your-husband-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/accept-your-husband-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>As you already know, you can\u2019t control your husband either. Including in his relationship with his parents.<\/p>\n<p>Which can be uncomfortable. If you\u2019ve ever felt jealous of your mother-in-law, you\u2019re not alone!<\/p>\n<p>That is a normal human response if he drives all the way to her house to spend the afternoon fixing her toilet when your own home needs so much work. Or if he takes the day off to be her plus-one to the holiday gala for her work. Or if you feel like a third wheel while she gives him a shoulder rub as you endure their action movie.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s natural to want to bring to his attention that some of these behaviors are not normal or healthy, certainly not for your marriage.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019ve tried that route, how did it go? Chances are, it pushed him further away, making him less likely to give YOU the massage you\u2019re craving or take care of the home improvements on your list.<\/p>\n<p>So, if trying to control him has not served you either, are you ready to try a different approach? Even if it sounds crazy?<\/p>\n<p>Because this next part is not for women who are faint of heart. Only the courageous will ever try this experiment.<\/p>\n<p>What is it, you ask?<\/p>\n<p>Enter Experiment RC: Relinquishing Control.<\/p>\n<p>What if you just acted like you accepted his relationship with his mom, even if it\u2019s unhealthy or seems to interfere with your own relationship with him?<\/p>\n<p>Why do such a crazy thing?<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019ve already tried the other way and if it\u2019s not getting you what you want, what can it hurt to try a new strategy?<\/p>\n<p>Relinquishing control of your husband conveys your respect for his choices. That respect can cause him to evaluate his choices in a new light instead of defending himself against your criticism. He might suddenly see what you\u2019ve been seeing all along and decide to make a change for himself.<\/p>\n<p>Or maybe he\u2019ll just be relieved and feel more emotional safety in not having to fight off your disapproval and drop the defensiveness that made him seem hostile or mean.<\/p>\n<p>Most of all, it means you can stop wasting energy on something you can\u2019t control anyway and start using that energy on something more gratifying, even if it\u2019s just playing on your phone or watching your favorite series.<\/p>\n<p>If that sounds too good to be true, that\u2019s what I thought too! But I was amazed at how much this one scary act of accepting my husband\u2019s relationship with my in-laws changed everything.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Stop_MIL_Bashing\"><\/span>3) Stop MIL Bashing<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-13736\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/talking-about-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"talking about marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/talking-about-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/talking-about-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/talking-about-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/talking-about-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/talking-about-marriage-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/talking-about-marriage-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>If you manage to be that respectful toward your husband, congratulations! You\u2019re going a long way toward creating intimacy, which sure comes in handy to face the in-laws as a team. If you manage to show respect to them too, biting your tongue even when they get to be a bit much, you get bonus intimacy points.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re probably feeling pretty dignified by this point, as you should be!<\/p>\n<p>And ready to dish because now you\u2019ve stored up this whole log of their infractions you managed to keep to yourself. This should make for one juicy car ride home!<\/p>\n<p>I can\u2019t wait to hear it myself, but let\u2019s hit the pause button here for a minute.<\/p>\n<p>How has venting to him about his family gone for you in the past?<\/p>\n<p>Everybody knows that male bashing isn\u2019t very nice. Is MIL bashing any different?<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m embarrassed to admit that it took me a long time to realize that being disrespectful to my husband\u2019s loved ones was disrespectful to him by extension.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve never been a fan of him saying nasty things about my beloved family members. (Even if I said them myself!)<\/p>\n<p>When Cassandra quit complaining about her MIL to her husband, he looked relieved, like he was breathing freer with all the oxygen in the air. Cassandra took it a step further and started reporting only the good things about her MIL, like how much they bonded while spending hours together chatting and enjoying the MIL\u2019s cooking.<\/p>\n<p>He was so happy to see his wife happy.<\/p>\n<p>Cassandra\u2019s happiness was so magnetic that he wanted to pile on even more. That\u2019s when things got juicy, for real!<\/p>\n<p>Sacrificing a little gossip was totally worth it.<\/p>\n<p>Gossiping with her own family about her husband and MIL, on the other hand, seemed harmless enough. That is, until they started badmouthing <em>her<\/em> loved ones, and she wondered why they couldn\u2019t be more supportive of her marriage. That\u2019s when she saw her part in poisoning those relationships.<\/p>\n<p>Leaving behind the \u201charmless\u201d gossip was so connecting that, next thing she knew, her mom was inviting her mother-in-law on vacation! Her Intimacy Skills were <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/podcast\/101-using-the-six-intimacy-skills-with-everybody\/\">healing the whole family<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s why the next experiment is to stop male bashing <em>and<\/em> MIL bashing, with any family member.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_Experiment_with_Gratitude\"><\/span>4) Experiment with Gratitude<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-13737\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/expressing-gratitude.jpg\" alt=\"expressing gratitude\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/expressing-gratitude.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/expressing-gratitude-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/expressing-gratitude-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/expressing-gratitude-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/expressing-gratitude-325x137.jpg 325w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/expressing-gratitude-1024x431.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Catherine was convinced that the root of her marital problems with her stressed-out, depressed workaholic husband was&#8211;you guessed it&#8211;her in-laws. <em>Especially<\/em> her father-in-law, who put so much pressure on his son in the family business.<\/p>\n<p>Then she became convinced of something else: that her ways of dealing with this dynamic were not serving any of them. Her attempts to intervene and point out the problem somehow only seemed to make it worse.<\/p>\n<p>She was hyper-focused on the dysfunction, and boy was it increasing.<\/p>\n<p>So she tried the gratitude experiment, which included shifting her focus now that she saw that what she focused on increased.<\/p>\n<p>Finding opportunities to express her thanks became so natural that this was literally her gift to her father-in-law. She prepared a message of love and gratitude for his birthday, which she vulnerably read in front of the whole family.<\/p>\n<p>She reported her experiment results as a miracle: \u201cHe&#8217;s a good guy when I&#8217;m looking for the good. Sometimes that&#8217;s a more miraculous transformation than with my husband.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now that you have these five tools for healing with your husband\u2019s family, which will you try first?<\/p>\n<p>I can\u2019t wait to hear the results of your experiments in the comments!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Over 60% of women reported that their relationship with their mother-in-law caused lasting stress and unhappiness. Even more of them&#8211;two-thirds&#8211;\u201dbelieved that their husband&#8217;s mother frequently exhibited jealous, maternal love towards their sons,\u201d according to one study. No wonder it\u2019s so hard and painful when parents interfere in marriage. You might even feel, as some sources\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/family-interference-in-marriage\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":13733,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[711],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-13731","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-family-and-parenting"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Family Interference in Marriage [Top 4 Tips]<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Is your husband\u2019s family interfering in your marriage? 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