{"id":14497,"date":"2022-04-28T10:12:38","date_gmt":"2022-04-28T17:12:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/?p=14497"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:33:56","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:33:56","slug":"how-to-fix-a-toxic-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-fix-a-toxic-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Fix a Toxic Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019re seeing the early signs of a toxic relationship, it is scary. It\u2019s distressing to catch your man lying, manipulating or gaslighting you. Living in fear, having to walk on eggshells or being made to think you\u2019re crazy are, well, crazy-making.<\/p>\n<p>Whether they\u2019re criticizing or accusing you, the things toxic partners say can feel like a knife to the heart. They have a way of eroding your confidence and self-esteem. You keep saying you\u2019re sorry trying to make things right, but they never are.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not very empowering. It\u2019s enough to make anyone feel hopeless.<\/p>\n<p>Can toxic relationships be healed?<\/p>\n<p>Absolutely. You can learn how to fix a toxic relationship, even after breaking up\u2013or without breaking up at all. Here are four surprising ways to repair a toxic marriage.<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-fix-a-toxic-relationship\/#1_Have_an_Honest_Conversation_about_What_Needs_Fixing\" title=\" Have an Honest Conversation about What Needs Fixing\"> Have an Honest Conversation about What Needs Fixing<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-fix-a-toxic-relationship\/#2_Take_Accountability\" title=\" Take Accountability\"> Take Accountability<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-fix-a-toxic-relationship\/#3_Give_Him_and_Yourself_Space_to_Heal\" title=\" Give Him (and Yourself) Space to Heal\"> Give Him (and Yourself) Space to Heal<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-fix-a-toxic-relationship\/#4_Find_Forgiveness_or_Let_It_Find_You\" title=\" Find Forgiveness (or Let It Find You)\"> Find Forgiveness (or Let It Find You)<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Have_an_Honest_Conversation_about_What_Needs_Fixing\"><\/span>1) Have an Honest Conversation about What Needs Fixing<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-14499 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/communication-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/communication-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/communication-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/communication-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/communication-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/communication-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah, yeah,\u201d you may be thinking, \u201cI\u2019ve already tried that!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m sure you have tried your very best to communicate about what needs fixing, and yet here you are, back to square one. You\u2019ve probably tried all the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.fatherly.com\/love-money\/communication-mistakes-fixes-marriage\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">usual approaches.<\/a><\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re anything like I was, you tried telling him what the problem is and what you need, desperately hoping he would get on board. Only he never did.<\/p>\n<p>What gives?<\/p>\n<p>In every State of the Union talk I ever had, what came across was what my husband was doing wrong and what he needed to do to shape up.<\/p>\n<p>I had no clue that both of those topics, no matter how gently phrased, were loaded with disrespect. I also had no idea that respect is like oxygen for men, so I was unwittingly sucking the oxygen out of our relationship.<\/p>\n<p>No wonder it was dying.<\/p>\n<p>If your state of the union addresses are getting you nowhere, one way to change the dance is to stop initiating state of the union talks in the first place.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-4013047864\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-17020\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Maybe they\u2019re hard to escape because he keeps bringing things up himself.<\/p>\n<p>Instead of taking the bait and falling right back into old ways of communicating, what if you tried responding by simply saying \u201cI hear you\u201d?<\/p>\n<p>This powerful listening technique has a way of reviving relationships. That\u2019s because these three little words convey respect, pumping oxygen right back into your relationship.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not saying it\u2019s easy. It takes something to listen without trying to fix the situation or him, without even agreeing or disagreeing.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s not to say you\u2019re to become a mute either.<\/p>\n<p>If he does ask what you want, that is a great opportunity to <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/podcast\/116-how-to-ask-for-what-you-want-in-marriage\/\">express your desire in a way that inspires.<\/a> Maybe it\u2019s simply \u201cI would love to stay married.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Enough said.<\/p>\n<p>It may not feel like enough. It didn\u2019t for me.<\/p>\n<p>I thought I needed to explain why I wanted what I wanted, spell out how to make it happen or tell him what I wanted him to do. I didn&#8217;t realize that those were all forms of inappropriate control, which thwarted the very thing I wanted.<\/p>\n<p>Not to mention I was used to saying more words than \u201cI hear you and I would love\u2026\u201d A lot more!<\/p>\n<p>I still got to use my words but not necessarily all with my husband. I saved some for my girlfriends, some for my sisters, some for my relationship coach.<\/p>\n<p>As for my husband, he started giving me butt pats and bedroom eyes!<\/p>\n<p>Turns out we didn\u2019t need so many words after all.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-2603488727\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Take_Accountability\"><\/span>2) Take Accountability<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-14500 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/accountibility-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/accountibility-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/accountibility-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/accountibility-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/accountibility-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/accountibility-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Even if you are willing to try this less-is-more experiment in communication, surely there must be something else you can say. Right?<\/p>\n<p>Well, now that you ask\u2026<\/p>\n<p>This is a great opportunity to set the stage for accountability. Ideally, he should be showing some accountability himself after all he has done. Maybe you\u2019ve tried to get him to take responsibility himself, to bring to his attention how hurtful or destructive his choices have been.<\/p>\n<p>Did he just dig in his heels even harder and defend himself?<\/p>\n<p>Ugh, I remember how frustrating that was, how stuck I felt.<\/p>\n<p>So you can\u2019t make him show accountability. But what might happen if you started by showing it yourself?<\/p>\n<p>Maybe there are ways you have criticized or tried to control your man, like I did. Have you dismissed or demeaned him? Told him he needed to change. Tried to get him to discipline the kids better. Explained why the trash should go out before it\u2019s overflowing.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe you were just trying to be \u201chelpful,\u201d whether with his work, his health or his wardrobe, and didn\u2019t know that \u201chelpful\u201d in wife language means \u201ccontrolling\u201d in husband language.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe you got so busy taking care of kids that you forgot to be a lover and became his mother too.<\/p>\n<p>Now that you\u2019re inspecting your side of the street, you could always get out the broom and experiment with this magical phrase: \u201cI apologize for being disrespectful when I ____\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Period.<\/p>\n<p>No explanation.<\/p>\n<p>No taking the bait, no matter how he responds (or doesn\u2019t).<\/p>\n<p>Allowing that space takes us to one more powerful way to change the dance\u2026<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Give_Him_and_Yourself_Space_to_Heal\"><\/span>3) Give Him (and Yourself) Space to Heal<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-14501 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/trust-your-husband.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/trust-your-husband.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/trust-your-husband-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/trust-your-husband-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/trust-your-husband-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/trust-your-husband-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Becky kept telling her husband he had an anger problem and needed to get help. She was at her wits end. He would blow up on the kids or blow up while driving, jeopardizing their safety. But no matter how she asked, pushed or cried, he refused to do a darn thing.<\/p>\n<p>Terrified, Becky knew she needed a different approach. She decided to relinquish control. She stopped telling him to get help.<\/p>\n<p>Guess what happened.<\/p>\n<p>He got help!<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s right\u2013once she gave him the space to become his best self, he did just that. He took the initiative to get a counselor, and Becky saw huge changes immediately. As she focused on becoming her best self, he followed suit.<\/p>\n<p>What would it look like if you gave your man some space, trusting him to do things his way and on his timeline?<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_Find_Forgiveness_or_Let_It_Find_You\"><\/span>4) Find Forgiveness (or Let It Find You)<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-14502 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/resent-husband.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/resent-husband.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/resent-husband-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/resent-husband-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/resent-husband-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/resent-husband-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>All of this can seem like an impossible ask.<\/p>\n<p>And it is, at least if you\u2019re depleted and still reeling from hurt or Needless Emotional Turmoil.<\/p>\n<p>That was the case with Desiree, whose <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/living-with-an-alcoholic-husband\/\">husband was an emotionally abusive narcissist and alcoholic<\/a>. She was planning her escape and kept a stash of money so she could run away.<\/p>\n<p>She had tried everything.<\/p>\n<p>To be a good wife and make her husband happy, Desiree was so self-sacrificing and helpful that she would bend over backwards to do whatever he wanted. She gave up everything for him\u2013her friends, hobbies and career.<\/p>\n<p>And he still wasn\u2019t happy!<\/p>\n<p>He became so miserable and angry that he started turning on her. She was so scared, in her own home.<\/p>\n<p>She could not go on this way.<\/p>\n<p>When Desiree got word that there was hope for her to single-handedly turn things around, she used her runaway money to hire a <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/marriage-relationship-coaching\/\">relationship coach.<\/a><\/p>\n<p>With the support of her coach, she started getting up early every morning to journal how she felt, what she wanted, and three things she could do that day to make herself happy. She then scheduled those three things to make a point of reading, writing, doing yoga, calling a girlfriend, hiking, getting a massage or pedicure, taking a bubble bath, playing pickleball, watching a comedy and playing Scrabble.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s when things started to turn around. The happier she got, the more her husband stepped up. He started doing all the dishes, taking out the trash, carrying heavy stuff, washing her car, and taking care of the finances, home maintenance and travel plans.<\/p>\n<p>He seemed to find a new purpose in making her happy, in contrast to feeling like a failure when she was trying to be his hero. Looking back, she says, \u201cI had it all backwards!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As Desiree allowed him to be her hero, she says that \u201cThings completely started shifting. Now I just sit back and let him be my hero. He is so happy. He feels successful as a man and a husband. He tells me I&#8217;m his queen. He bends over backwards to make me happy and to please me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Perhaps even more surprisingly, once she started taking responsibility for her own happiness, her resentment began to dissolve.<\/p>\n<p>She was able to find grace and even forgiveness when she saw her part in having betrayed herself by taking on too much, not asking for help, and ignoring her own desires, limits and need for self-care. Her coach wasn\u2019t even talking about forgiveness, but somehow it just came.<\/p>\n<p>What about his narcissism, alcoholism, and emotional abuse?<\/p>\n<p>She no longer sees any evidence of those old diagnoses. She says he is kind, generous, considerate and thoughtful. He makes her feel safe, secure and protected. He hardly even drinks anymore!<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s a real-life fairy tale,\u201d Desiree says.<\/p>\n<p>Does this sound too good to be true? You\u2019ll never know unless you try.<\/p>\n<p>Which of these four techniques will you experiment with to start writing your own fairy tale?<\/p>\n<p>&#8212;<\/p>\n<p>Awesome news! We were selected as one of best relationship blogs of 2022 by BlogOverview.com &#8211; <a href=\"https:\/\/blogoverview.com\/relationship\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Best Relationship Blogs<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019re seeing the early signs of a toxic relationship, it is scary. It\u2019s distressing to catch your man lying, manipulating or gaslighting you. Living in fear, having to walk on eggshells or being made to think you\u2019re crazy are, well, crazy-making. Whether they\u2019re criticizing or accusing you, the things toxic partners say can feel\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-fix-a-toxic-relationship\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":14503,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[707],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-14497","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-abuse"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Fix a Toxic Relationship [4 Secrets]<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Are you suffering in a Toxic Relationship? Here are 4 Ways to Repair a Marriage that\u2019s Beyond Repair.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-fix-a-toxic-relationship\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Fix a Toxic Relationship [4 Secrets]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Are you suffering in a Toxic Relationship? 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