{"id":15191,"date":"2023-02-16T05:00:25","date_gmt":"2023-02-16T13:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/?p=15191"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:33:53","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:33:53","slug":"my-husband-doesnt-understand-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-understand-me\/","title":{"rendered":"My Husband Doesn\u2019t Understand Me"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>We all want to feel seen, heard and understood. If you\u2019re not feeling understood, it\u2019s like you\u2019re missing a nutrient in your diet, and you start to feel malnourished.<\/p>\n<p>I remember feeling this way when I\u2019d listen to my husband talk endlessly about something he was interested in but then as soon as I brought up something I was interested in, he\u2019d interrupt me.<\/p>\n<p>Harrumph!<\/p>\n<p>Maybe the lack of understanding feels even more serious because your husband just doesn\u2019t seem to get you or care about what you want. Which hurts!<\/p>\n<p>Here are three steps you can take to feel not only understood but also truly seen and adored:<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-understand-me\/#1_Listen_Instead_of_Convincing\" title=\"Listen Instead of Convincing\">Listen Instead of Convincing<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-understand-me\/#2_Define_Your_Desires\" title=\"Define Your Desires\">Define Your Desires<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-understand-me\/#3_Lean_on_These_Listeners\" title=\"Lean on These Listeners\">Lean on These Listeners<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Listen_Instead_of_Convincing\"><\/span>1. Listen Instead of Convincing<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-15197 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/how-to-respect-your-husband.jpg\" alt=\"How to respect your Husband\" width=\"1080\" height=\"454\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/how-to-respect-your-husband.jpg 1080w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/how-to-respect-your-husband-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/how-to-respect-your-husband-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/how-to-respect-your-husband-768x323.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1080px) 100vw, 1080px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>When I most wanted my husband to understand me, I was making a big mistake that was exacerbating the problem.<\/p>\n<p>I didn\u2019t just want him to listen to me or comprehend what I was saying, although I wanted that too.<\/p>\n<p>I wanted him to hear what I was saying, which I felt was completely logical, and agree with me.<\/p>\n<p>Because there can only be one right way to invest for retirement or properly wash the colored clothes\u2014my way! So the more he didn\u2019t seem to agree with me, the more I kept talking and repeating and explaining, only to have him tune me out or defend his position.<\/p>\n<p>Or, even worse, he would just go and do things his way right after I had just finished telling him the right way to do them!<\/p>\n<p>I really believed that he just didn\u2019t understand the world and how things worked as well as I did.<\/p>\n<p>So implementing the <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-respect-your-husband\/\">Intimacy Skill of respect<\/a>\u2014honoring his choices for himself and the things he did for us instead of teaching him how to do them or just doing them myself\u2014was life-changing.<\/p>\n<p>Of course it was also very scary!<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-946903756\"><p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<!--HubSpot Call-to-Action Code --><span class=\"hs-cta-wrapper\" id=\"hs-cta-wrapper-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><span class=\"hs-cta-node hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" id=\"hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><!--[if lte IE 8]>\n\n<div id=\"hs-cta-ie-element\"><\/div>\n\n<![endif]--><a href=\"https:\/\/cta-redirect.hubspot.com\/cta\/redirect\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" ><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"hs-cta-img\" id=\"hs-cta-img-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" style=\"border-width:0px;\" src=\"https:\/\/no-cache.hubspot.com\/cta\/default\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969.png\"  alt=\"Free Webinar\"\/><\/a><\/span><script charset=\"utf-8\" src=\"https:\/\/js.hscta.net\/cta\/current.js\"><\/script><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> hbspt.cta.load(21708589, '72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969', {\"useNewLoader\":\"true\",\"region\":\"na1\"}); <\/script><\/span><!-- end HubSpot Call-to-Action Code -->\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>But once I started being more respectful, however imperfectly, he amazingly seemed to hear me so much better.<\/p>\n<p>In the warm and fuzzy circle of emotional safety that came back into our marriage after that, I felt so much more understood.<\/p>\n<p>He was no longer trying to defend himself, and that changed the whole tone of our conversations, which got deeper and more connected.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-1764320793\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Define_Your_Desires\"><\/span>2. Define Your Desires<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-15199 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/express-your-desires.jpg\" alt=\"Express Your Desires\" width=\"1080\" height=\"454\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/express-your-desires.jpg 1080w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/express-your-desires-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/express-your-desires-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/express-your-desires-768x323.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1080px) 100vw, 1080px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>That doesn\u2019t mean I always agree with him\u2014I don\u2019t!<\/p>\n<p>So if I want to be understood, I start with really understanding myself and what I want. For me, that means I have to know my desires and express them without complaint or manipulation. As in, \u201cI would love sushi for dinner\u201d or \u201cI would love a pool.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>My desires need no further explanation because they\u2019re just what I would love. He may not desire those things, but that\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t have to convince him that we should have a salmon roll for dinner or that we need a pool to swim for exercise. That\u2019s not my concern.<\/p>\n<p>My job is to just honor my desires, which is one way of letting other people know and understand me, especially my husband.<\/p>\n<p>But complaining never got me there. Saying \u201cI don\u2019t want pizza for dinner\u201d left a mystery about what I did want, which he couldn\u2019t solve.<\/p>\n<p>And saying \u201cDon\u2019t you wish we had a pool?\u201d was just me trying to distance myself from my own desire by putting it on him.<\/p>\n<p>Expressing desires in a way that inspires is a much better route to feeling that my husband understands me.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Lean_on_These_Listeners\"><\/span><strong>3. Lean on These Listeners<\/strong><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-15200 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/communication-in-relationships.jpg\" alt=\"Communication in Relationships\" width=\"1080\" height=\"454\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/communication-in-relationships.jpg 1080w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/communication-in-relationships-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/communication-in-relationships-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/communication-in-relationships-768x323.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1080px) 100vw, 1080px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Even though I feel much more understood than I used to early on in my marriage before I had the <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">Six Intimacy Skills\u2122<\/a> and the Connection Framework, there are some things my husband just doesn\u2019t understand about me!<\/p>\n<p>But you know who does?<\/p>\n<p>My girlfriends. My sisters.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s nothing quite like feeling they understand, really understand, and sharing some experiences with them that my husband never will.<\/p>\n<p>Somehow, once I\u2019ve talked to them I\u2019m more filled up and less likely to feel a sense of urgency that I must <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/what-men-want-in-a-relationship\/\">make him understand<\/a>. Having connections with women seems to be a critical part of my marriage.<\/p>\n<p>These tweaks have taken us so far that now, when we\u2019re dreaming about the future or having a deep conversation, I also feel so deeply understood.<\/p>\n<p>What tweaks would you like to try? I look forward to hearing how they serve you!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We all want to feel seen, heard and understood. If you\u2019re not feeling understood, it\u2019s like you\u2019re missing a nutrient in your diet, and you start to feel malnourished. I remember feeling this way when I\u2019d listen to my husband talk endlessly about something he was interested in but then as soon as I brought\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-understand-me\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15194,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[708],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-15191","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>My Husband Doesn\u2019t Understand Me<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-understand-me\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"My Husband Doesn\u2019t Understand Me\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"We all want to feel seen, heard and understood. If you\u2019re not feeling understood, it\u2019s like you\u2019re missing a nutrient in your diet, and you start to feel malnourished. 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