{"id":15203,"date":"2023-02-23T05:00:35","date_gmt":"2023-02-23T13:00:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/?p=15203"},"modified":"2024-12-12T10:54:35","modified_gmt":"2024-12-12T18:54:35","slug":"things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"3 Things You Can&#8217;t Forgive in a Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Everybody knows there are some things you can\u2019t just forgive in marriage. You\u2019re probably already thinking of them right now before I say them, right?<\/p>\n<p>Like abuse, whether physical, emotional or verbal. It\u2019s terrible.<\/p>\n<p>Number two is <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/do-husbands-come-back-after-leaving-for-another-woman\/\">being cheated on<\/a>. Whether he\u2019s going to prostitutes or has another woman. It makes you feel like a doormat and a fool. It\u2019s awful.<\/p>\n<p>And three is being with an addict who abuses drugs or <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/husband-drinks-too-much\/\">alcohol<\/a>. That\u2019s so unpredictable you never know what might happen, which is a painful way to live.<\/p>\n<p>Logically speaking, you can\u2019t just forgive and carry on with the status quo in those situations. Everybody knows you should just leave! That\u2019s a common refrain you\u2019ve probably heard again and again.<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship\/#1_These_Are_Your_Options\" title=\"These Are Your Options\">These Are Your Options<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship\/#2_What_Is_the_Third_Way\" title=\"What Is the Third Way?\">What Is the Third Way?<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship\/#3_The_Only_Thing_That_Ever_Worked_to_Fix_My_Broken_Marriage\" title=\"The Only Thing That Ever Worked to Fix My Broken Marriage\">The Only Thing That Ever Worked to Fix My Broken Marriage<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship\/#4_Should_You_Risk_This\" title=\"Should You Risk This?\">Should You Risk This?<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-5\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship\/#5_How_Do_You_Know_if_Its_Hopeless\" title=\"How Do You Know if It\u2019s Hopeless?\">How Do You Know if It\u2019s Hopeless?<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_These_Are_Your_Options\"><\/span>1. These Are Your Options<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15288\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/should-I-leave-an-abbusive-relationship.jpg\" alt=\"Should you leave an abusive relationship\" width=\"800\" height=\"337\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/should-I-leave-an-abbusive-relationship.jpg 800w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/should-I-leave-an-abbusive-relationship-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/should-I-leave-an-abbusive-relationship-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/should-I-leave-an-abbusive-relationship-768x324.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>So the only rational option is to plot your escape from the <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/\">abuser<\/a>, adulterer or addict you\u2019re married to. This means you\u2019re left with the tragic burden of tearing your family apart.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s a scary, awful, no-win position to be in: You can either choose endless suffering in your marriage, Option A. Or you can tear apart your family and give up on your dreams of a lasting, happy marriage, Option B.<\/p>\n<p>And those are the only options. At least, I used to think so\u2014and say so, regrettably.<\/p>\n<p>But are they really?<\/p>\n<p>As <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodreads.com\/quotes\/8639959-for-every-complex-problem-there-is-an-answer-that-is\">H. L. Mencken<\/a> says, \u201cFor every complex problem, there\u2019s an answer that\u2019s clear, simple and wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-979260396\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_What_Is_the_Third_Way\"><\/span>2. What Is the Third Way?<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15210\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/denial-in-relationships.jpg\" alt=\"Denial in Relationships\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/denial-in-relationships.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/denial-in-relationships-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/denial-in-relationships-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/denial-in-relationships-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/denial-in-relationships-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>What if there\u2019s another option? What if there\u2019s a third way?<\/p>\n<p>A way that\u2019s NOT just sucking it up while you are continuously humiliated or hurt.<\/p>\n<p>And it\u2019s NOT just denial\u2026forgetting about the past or pretending it didn\u2019t happen and just hoping it gets better. That never works.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-304136617\"><p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<!--HubSpot Call-to-Action Code --><span class=\"hs-cta-wrapper\" id=\"hs-cta-wrapper-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><span class=\"hs-cta-node hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" id=\"hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><!--[if lte IE 8]>\n\n<div id=\"hs-cta-ie-element\"><\/div>\n\n<![endif]--><a href=\"https:\/\/cta-redirect.hubspot.com\/cta\/redirect\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" ><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"hs-cta-img\" id=\"hs-cta-img-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" style=\"border-width:0px;\" src=\"https:\/\/no-cache.hubspot.com\/cta\/default\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969.png\"  alt=\"Free Webinar\"\/><\/a><\/span><script charset=\"utf-8\" src=\"https:\/\/js.hscta.net\/cta\/current.js\"><\/script><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> hbspt.cta.load(21708589, '72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969', {\"useNewLoader\":\"true\",\"region\":\"na1\"}); <\/script><\/span><!-- end HubSpot Call-to-Action Code -->\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>No, the third way is not focusing on changing your husband but changing your focus to yourself.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not about helping your husband more but helping yourself more.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not about whether you can forgive him but rather finding a way to be accountable for yourself.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m talking about changing the things within your control, like your outlook, your words, and the way you respond. I\u2019m talking about surrendering control of things you can\u2019t control anyway and <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/podcast\/047-the-1-way-to-make-your-marriage-happier\/\">focusing on your own happiness<\/a> instead.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBut Laura,\u201d you might protest, \u201cyou don\u2019t know what it\u2019s like to live with my husband! How will I ever be safe is surrendering ever going to help with such big, scary, stubborn problems in my marriage?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Safety always comes first, and you are the expert on how to best make yourself and your children safe, so I support you doing whatever you think is best in your situation. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019m here to share my experience about the little-known approach that worked for me and has worked for thousands of students who were in scary situations that they thought were hopeless. I\u2019m not saying you should go or you should stay, but rather, here\u2019s another possibility to try on to see if it fits for you. <\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_The_Only_Thing_That_Ever_Worked_to_Fix_My_Broken_Marriage\"><\/span>3. The Only Thing That Ever Worked to Fix My Broken Marriage<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15211\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/how-make-yourself-safe-in-a-relaitonship.jpg\" alt=\"How to make yourself safe in a relationship\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/how-make-yourself-safe-in-a-relaitonship.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/how-make-yourself-safe-in-a-relaitonship-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/how-make-yourself-safe-in-a-relaitonship-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/how-make-yourself-safe-in-a-relaitonship-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/how-make-yourself-safe-in-a-relaitonship-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Changing myself is the only thing that has EVER helped with the big, stubborn, scary problems in my marriage. Nothing else ever worked. Nothing else made me feel loved, like I do now. The rest was all just a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.foxnews.com\/health\/stressful-marriage-harm-heart-health-study\">stressful<\/a>, exhausting waste of energy.<\/p>\n<p>And I\u2019m not the only one.<\/p>\n<p>Melissa was 100% certain that her husband was an alcoholic. She told him so. She asked him to cut back on drinking. She called him a drunk and said it was hurting their kids. He just drank more! She was spending a lot of time thinking about Option B, divorce, because she couldn\u2019t see herself continuing to suffer and letting her two little boys suffer.<\/p>\n<p>But then she chose the third way. She stopped focusing on the things she hated about her husband, started trusting him and thanking him for what he was doing right. And guess what? What <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/laws-of-attraction-in-relationships\/\">she focused on increased<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>He stopped drinking entirely and started counting the days of his sobriety. You can hear him share about being sober for 18 months and giving his wife the credit for that in <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/podcast\/107-insights-from-the-husband-of-a-ridiculously-happy-wife-part-4\/\">podcast episode #107<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_Should_You_Risk_This\"><\/span>4. Should You Risk This?<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15212\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/trust-your-husband.jpg\" alt=\"Trust Your Husband\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/trust-your-husband.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/trust-your-husband-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/trust-your-husband-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/trust-your-husband-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/trust-your-husband-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>And isn\u2019t that the kind of outcome every wife really wants? Isn\u2019t that way better than sucking it up or breaking up?<\/p>\n<p>You could even say that Melissa and her children were safer than they would have been if she had divorced. Isn\u2019t that something?<\/p>\n<p>But you might be saying, \u201cWell, her situation is different than mine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s how Rachel felt too. She also felt very oppressed, so verbally and emotionally abused that she had a getaway fund, a secret stash of money she was planning to use to leave her husband. But instead of escaping, she invested the money in <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/become-a-coach\/\">Relationship Coach Certification<\/a>, and today she is feeling happy and emotionally safe in that marriage to the very same man. She chose the third way.<\/p>\n<p>There are many, many more stories of women in unforgivable situations who found that this third way was also the best way to make themselves safe.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"5_How_Do_You_Know_if_Its_Hopeless\"><\/span>5. How Do You Know if It\u2019s Hopeless?<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Your situation may feel very different. It may BE different. Only you know for sure what\u2019s right for you. But then again, you wouldn\u2019t be reading this if some part of you didn\u2019t have hope that you too could find a third way.<\/p>\n<p>I have hope for you too. After all, everything up to now has led you to this point. Was that an accident? Are you just the victim of tragedy? Or is there much more to the story, which isn\u2019t over yet? Are you about to become empowered to write your own story?<\/p>\n<p>In the <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/rhw-waitlist\">Ridiculously Happy Wife<\/a> group coaching program, we have a very powerful and popular training on how to write the end of your own story while you\u2019re still in the middle.<\/p>\n<p>And if you\u2019re wondering whether you should forgive your husband, I invite you to think instead about how you want your marriage story to be. What if you could wave a magic wand?<\/p>\n<p>As author Henry David Thoreau said, \u201cIf you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When you are ready to get support with your marriage, let us help you build your foundation.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Everybody knows there are some things you can\u2019t just forgive in marriage. You\u2019re probably already thinking of them right now before I say them, right? Like abuse, whether physical, emotional or verbal. It\u2019s terrible. Number two is being cheated on. Whether he\u2019s going to prostitutes or has another woman. It makes you feel like a\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15214,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[709],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-15203","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-and-separation"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>3 Things You Can&#039;t Forgive in a Relationship<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"3 Things You Can&#039;t Forgive in a Relationship\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Everybody knows there are some things you can\u2019t just forgive in marriage. You\u2019re probably already thinking of them right now before I say them, right? Like abuse, whether physical, emotional or verbal. It\u2019s terrible. Number two is being cheated on. Whether he\u2019s going to prostitutes or has another woman. It makes you feel like a\u2026 Read More &raquo;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Laura Doyle Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2023-02-23T13:00:35+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2024-12-12T18:54:35+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"628\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Laura Doyle\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"headline\":\"3 Things You Can&#8217;t Forgive in a Relationship\",\"datePublished\":\"2023-02-23T13:00:35+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2024-12-12T18:54:35+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship\/\"},\"wordCount\":1114,\"commentCount\":7,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/things-you-cant-forgive-in-a-relationship.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Divorce &amp; 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