{"id":15425,"date":"2023-05-31T13:00:41","date_gmt":"2023-05-31T20:00:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/?p=15425"},"modified":"2023-05-31T02:00:33","modified_gmt":"2023-05-31T09:00:33","slug":"4-steps-to-fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/4-steps-to-fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated\/","title":{"rendered":"4 Steps to Fight for Your Marriage when Separated"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019ve ever been separated, I don\u2019t need to tell you what a stressful, heartbreaking experience it is.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s also so awkward and embarrassing to have to explain to everybody what\u2019s going on. You don\u2019t want their pity, or for the kids to get scared or start asking really hard questions.<\/p>\n<p>You just want to fix what\u2019s broken and get back on track already.<\/p>\n<p>Toward that end, I want to share a four-step game plan that hundreds of students have used to make their marriages last and thrive after a separation, even if he said he was never coming back.<\/p>\n<p>It can be done, as many students on our campus have done it, and if you\u2019re committed and courageous, you can do it too.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s how:<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/4-steps-to-fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated\/#1_Forget_Your_Troubles_Cmon_Get_Happy\" title=\"Forget Your Troubles, C\u2019mon Get Happy\">Forget Your Troubles, C\u2019mon Get Happy<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/4-steps-to-fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated\/#2_Smile_Campaign\" title=\"Smile Campaign\">Smile Campaign<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/4-steps-to-fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated\/#3_Restore_Emotional_Safety\" title=\"Restore Emotional Safety\">Restore Emotional Safety<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/4-steps-to-fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated\/#4_Set_Your_Intention\" title=\"Set Your Intention\">Set Your Intention<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Forget_Your_Troubles_Cmon_Get_Happy\"><\/span>1. Forget Your Troubles, C\u2019mon Get Happy<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15458\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/how-to-get-happy-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"How to get Happy in Marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/how-to-get-happy-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/how-to-get-happy-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/how-to-get-happy-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/how-to-get-happy-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/how-to-get-happy-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>This first step is the most counterintuitive, but it\u2019s also indispensable. And the irony! While you\u2019re in the most agonizing emotional pain of your entire life, the challenge in front of you is to get really happy.<\/p>\n<p>But why?<\/p>\n<p>When my marriage almost ended, I learned the hard way that only happy people have happy relationships.<\/p>\n<p>I thought it was the other way around, where my happy relationship and loving husband would make me feel happy. Instead, I sucked all the life out of the marriage by getting progressively unhappier then staying stuck there waiting for my husband to make me happy.<\/p>\n<p>And that was excruciating for him because he couldn\u2019t. He had an unhappy wife. Couldn\u2019t please her. Couldn\u2019t make her laugh or even smile.<\/p>\n<p>Never mind that it was also excruciating for me to be miserable.<\/p>\n<p>The solution for both of us was to somehow, some way get happy. To find things that delighted me and do them, even if\u2014especially if\u2014they were frivolous. Like playing volleyball and word games on my phone and listening to a funny podcast.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-2039072024\"><p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<!--HubSpot Call-to-Action Code --><span class=\"hs-cta-wrapper\" id=\"hs-cta-wrapper-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><span class=\"hs-cta-node hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" id=\"hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><!--[if lte IE 8]>\n\n<div id=\"hs-cta-ie-element\"><\/div>\n\n<![endif]--><a href=\"https:\/\/cta-redirect.hubspot.com\/cta\/redirect\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" ><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"hs-cta-img\" id=\"hs-cta-img-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" style=\"border-width:0px;\" src=\"https:\/\/no-cache.hubspot.com\/cta\/default\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969.png\"  alt=\"Free Webinar\"\/><\/a><\/span><script charset=\"utf-8\" src=\"https:\/\/js.hscta.net\/cta\/current.js\"><\/script><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> hbspt.cta.load(21708589, '72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969', {\"useNewLoader\":\"true\",\"region\":\"na1\"}); <\/script><\/span><!-- end HubSpot Call-to-Action Code -->\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>That led to smiling then laughing then to being pleasable.<\/p>\n<p>Suddenly I wasn\u2019t such a downer to be around anymore because I remembered who I am: the Girl of Fun and Light.<\/p>\n<p>You have that inner just-wanna-have-fun girl in you too. If you haven\u2019t seen her in a while, this is the time to ask yourself whether tap dancing in the living room, going to the forest or watching a comedy would light her up.<\/p>\n<p>This step of getting happy may seem pointless and too hard to do right now. And that\u2019s understandable when there\u2019s a big hole in your world.<\/p>\n<p>The way to patch that hole, in my experience, is with smiles, laughing, singing and dancing.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-385347867\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Smile_Campaign\"><\/span>2. Smile Campaign<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15459\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/have-an-attractive-smile.jpg\" alt=\"Attractive Smile\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/have-an-attractive-smile.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/have-an-attractive-smile-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/have-an-attractive-smile-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/have-an-attractive-smile-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/have-an-attractive-smile-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Once you\u2019ve found your way to being happy again, your face will surely show it. That means you\u2019ll be smiling all the time, at everyone you see, especially your husband.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe you don\u2019t see him much. That\u2019s okay. You can practice your megawatt smile for when you do see him by smiling at everyone else\u2014your kids, store clerks, colleagues.<\/p>\n<p>This will demonstrate that the scourge of unhappiness you were previously suffering from has been cured. It will also let him know that you\u2019re happy to see him. Isn\u2019t that true?<\/p>\n<p>Of course you\u2019ll be even happier when he comes home and declares that he loves you forever and says he\u2019ll never leave. You\u2019ll smile really big then, right?<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/ways-to-be-more-attractive\/\">The road to that happy ending<\/a> is paved with smiles.<\/p>\n<p>He might even smile back. Or try to make you laugh. Maybe you\u2019ll start laughing together, which is exactly what happy couples do.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Restore_Emotional_Safety\"><\/span>3. Restore Emotional Safety<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15460\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/accountability-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"Accountability in Marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/accountability-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/accountability-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/accountability-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/accountability-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/accountability-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>One of the things that made it feel so good to be together when you fell in love was that you both thought so highly of each other. You weren\u2019t focused on his shortcomings, and he wasn\u2019t focused on yours. So it was safe to dream big and talk freely without worrying that you\u2019d get hurt.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, you did get hurt and so did he. You\u2019re both so hurt! So it can feel hard to restore that emotional safety now that it\u2019s been shattered into a million little pieces.<\/p>\n<p>But a great way to start is by owning your part in the breakdown.<\/p>\n<p>This might seem crazy if he\u2019s the one who separated and you didn\u2019t want that. You may feel he\u2019s the one who should be apologizing.<\/p>\n<p>I remember feeling the same way. It felt so unfamiliar to travel the high road by being accountable for my small, tiny, insignificant part in the breakdown.<\/p>\n<p>But once I did it, I felt empowered. I was no longer a victim because I was choosing to take responsibility for my part of our dances. Some awful things were done\u2026and I\u2019m the one who did them. Some mean things were said\u2026and I\u2019m the one who said them.<\/p>\n<p>That accountability went a long way toward restoring emotional safety, which helped resurrect our original connection.<\/p>\n<p>It also made me feel really good about myself. A lot better than the old victim me ever felt.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_Set_Your_Intention\"><\/span>4. Set Your Intention<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15461\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/vision-of-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"Vision of Marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/vision-of-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/vision-of-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/vision-of-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/vision-of-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/vision-of-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>If your husband separated from you, you might think you\u2019re not the one who gets to say what happens next with this marriage or whether it survives.<\/p>\n<p>But I wouldn\u2019t be so sure!<\/p>\n<p>Because one of the ways I see wives save their marriages from separation and make them better than ever is by asking herself what HER intentions are for the marriage. It may seem obvious\u2014of course you want your marriage, which is why you\u2019re reading this blog right now. You\u2019re fighting for it, which I admire very much because marriage is so important.<\/p>\n<p>In our <a href=\"https:\/\/connect.lauradoyle.org\/rhw-waitlist\">Ridiculously Happy Wife group coaching program<\/a>, we have a popular training about talking to your future self one year from now. It\u2019s about envisioning what your life is like and finding out how everything went your way.<\/p>\n<p>One thing I love about this training is that women often share with me how spooky it is that when they got their miracle in their marriage, it was <em>exactly what they had envisioned<\/em> from doing this training. They were dancing together on a trip or expecting a baby or moved into a new home, just like she had imagined back when she first talked to her future self.<\/p>\n<p>So it\u2019s worth asking yourself: What is your vision for the future of your marriage?<\/p>\n<p>As Kermit the frog sang, \u201cLife\u2019s like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing. Keep pretending.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>How would you show up if you knew for sure that your movie had a happy ending? Would you be happier? Would you smile more? Would you be more accountable for your part of the breakdown?<\/p>\n<p>Because that\u2019s what I see women do who fight for their marriages and win.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019d love to hear one way you\u2019ll show up differently today\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019ve ever been separated, I don\u2019t need to tell you what a stressful, heartbreaking experience it is. It\u2019s also so awkward and embarrassing to have to explain to everybody what\u2019s going on. You don\u2019t want their pity, or for the kids to get scared or start asking really hard questions. You just want to\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/4-steps-to-fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15457,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[709],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-15425","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-and-separation"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>4 Steps to Fight for Your Marriage when Separated<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Today I will share a four-step game plan to make their marriage last and thrive after a separation, even if he said he was never coming back.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/4-steps-to-fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"4 Steps to Fight for Your Marriage when Separated\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Today I will share a four-step game plan to make their marriage last and thrive after a separation, even if he said he was never coming back.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/4-steps-to-fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Laura Doyle Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2023-05-31T20:00:41+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"628\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/4-steps-to-fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/4-steps-to-fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Laura Doyle\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"headline\":\"4 Steps to Fight for Your Marriage when Separated\",\"datePublished\":\"2023-05-31T20:00:41+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/4-steps-to-fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated\/\"},\"wordCount\":1186,\"commentCount\":16,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/4-steps-to-fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/fight-for-your-marriage-when-separated.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Divorce &amp; 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