{"id":15465,"date":"2023-06-14T02:00:46","date_gmt":"2023-06-14T09:00:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/?p=15465"},"modified":"2023-06-13T02:00:32","modified_gmt":"2023-06-13T09:00:32","slug":"how-does-chronic-pain-affect-your-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-does-chronic-pain-affect-your-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"How Does Chronic Pain Affect Your Marriage?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>As you already know if you or your husband has chronic pain, it can put a massive strain on a marriage. When one of you is always hurting, it\u2019s an ever present challenge to emotional and physical intimacy. Just like when you\u2019re sick, it\u2019s very hard to be at your best when you\u2019re going \u201couch,\u201d \u201couch,\u201d \u201couch\u201d all day.<\/p>\n<p>It can also interfere with giving and receiving physical affection, which is frustrating and lonely on top of everything else.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re not sure how the physical pain will ever be alleviated, that\u2019s so discouraging and leaves you feeling guilty that you can\u2019t be the kind of wife you want to be and hopeless that you\u2019ll ever have a happy marriage. So much seems out of your control that it\u2019s hard to know what you can ever do to improve the situation, especially if your marriage feels like it\u2019s unraveling already.<\/p>\n<p>So how can you even begin to fix your marriage when that\u2019s happening? Here are three ways:<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-does-chronic-pain-affect-your-marriage\/#1_Give_Yourself_Remedial_Self-Care\" title=\"Give Yourself Remedial Self-Care\">Give Yourself Remedial Self-Care<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-does-chronic-pain-affect-your-marriage\/#2_Focus_on_What_Feels_Good\" title=\"Focus on What Feels Good\">Focus on What Feels Good<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-does-chronic-pain-affect-your-marriage\/#3_Receive_Receive_Receive\" title=\"Receive, Receive, Receive\">Receive, Receive, Receive<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Give_Yourself_Remedial_Self-Care\"><\/span>1. Give Yourself Remedial Self-Care<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15483\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/self-care-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"Self-care in Marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/self-care-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/self-care-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/self-care-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/self-care-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/self-care-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019ve been in pain for a while, you may already be laying low or having to rest more than you\u2019d like, which can make you feel guilty. You may have a whole list of <em>should<\/em>\u2019s that you\u2019d be doing if you weren\u2019t hurting.<\/p>\n<p>What if you instead went straight into putting the time, energy and resources you <em>do<\/em> have toward things that bring you relief, guilt be damned?<\/p>\n<p>When I\u2019m sick or hurting in some way, I consider it a sign that I need remedial self-care: a break from my responsibilities, lots of rest, great nutrition, the care of a professional and a marathon of mindless home remodeling shows.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe you\u2019re already spending time and energy on whatever you can do to give yourself relief, and maybe that makes you feel even guiltier.<\/p>\n<p>Granted, you probably don\u2019t want to spend your whole life on the couch watching TV, but being responsive to my physical state is certainly a way to show myself love. If I\u2019m not showing myself love, that\u2019s a pain all its own. I\u2019m not going to be in much of a position to receive it from anyone else, including my husband.<\/p>\n<p>So sometimes remedial self-care feels like exactly what the doctor ordered\u00a0.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-1511816105\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Focus_on_What_Feels_Good\"><\/span>2. Focus on What Feels Good<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15484\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/gratitude-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"Gratitude in Marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/gratitude-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/gratitude-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/gratitude-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/gratitude-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/gratitude-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Chronic pain has a way of grabbing your attention. It\u2019s always there, saying \u201cYou can\u2019t forget about me!\u201d So the idea of focusing on what\u2019s feeling good may sound bonkers. It\u2019s the equivalent of hitting your thumb with a hammer and, instead of swearing, saying to yourself, \u201cBoy these nine other fingers feel so good!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Who does that, right? It\u2019s completely counterintuitive, if not downright crazy.<\/p>\n<p>As a mere mortal woman, I do my share of cursing when hammer meets thumb. But I\u2019m also a huge believer in the power of counting my blessings instead of my curses.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-4036973790\"><p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<!--HubSpot Call-to-Action Code --><span class=\"hs-cta-wrapper\" id=\"hs-cta-wrapper-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><span class=\"hs-cta-node hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" id=\"hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><!--[if lte IE 8]>\n\n<div id=\"hs-cta-ie-element\"><\/div>\n\n<![endif]--><a href=\"https:\/\/cta-redirect.hubspot.com\/cta\/redirect\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" ><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"hs-cta-img\" id=\"hs-cta-img-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" style=\"border-width:0px;\" src=\"https:\/\/no-cache.hubspot.com\/cta\/default\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969.png\"  alt=\"Free Webinar\"\/><\/a><\/span><script charset=\"utf-8\" src=\"https:\/\/js.hscta.net\/cta\/current.js\"><\/script><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> hbspt.cta.load(21708589, '72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969', {\"useNewLoader\":\"true\",\"region\":\"na1\"}); <\/script><\/span><!-- end HubSpot Call-to-Action Code -->\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>I\u2019ve done both! I\u2019ve given a lot of focus to my problems and I\u2019ve also tried listing all the things I\u2019m grateful for, and I\u2019d much rather live at the end of the gratitude list than at the end of my problems list.<\/p>\n<p>These days I\u2019m really picky about what I focus on because <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/podcast\/059-the-law-of-attraction-for-relationships\/\">what I focus on increases<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>So my question for you, something I ask myself again and again, is: What\u2019s feeling really good right now?<\/p>\n<p>And how can you give yourself more of that?<\/p>\n<p>It takes something to change my focus like that, especially if I\u2019m used to focusing on what\u2019s wrong, which sometimes feels like the default. But it\u2019s well within my power, although not always my comfort zone, to change the channel and have a completely different experience, a better experience. I think of that expression, \u201cPain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When I\u2019m steeped in all the things I\u2019m grateful for, my energy becomes more attractive to everyone around me, especially my husband.<\/p>\n<p>Doesn\u2019t that make you want to do a quick gratitude list right now? Maybe just five things that feel good? Me too.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Receive_Receive_Receive\"><\/span>3. Receive, Receive, Receive<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15485\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/appreciate-your-husband.jpg\" alt=\"Appreciate your Husband\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/appreciate-your-husband.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/appreciate-your-husband-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/appreciate-your-husband-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/appreciate-your-husband-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/appreciate-your-husband-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re feeling less self-sufficient and more dependent or even like a burden on your husband because of chronic pain, that can be its own source of guilt or shame. Nobody wants to feel like a burden.<\/p>\n<p>But what if instead of berating yourself for not being able to do all you wish you could, you relaxed into being a great receiver?<\/p>\n<p>What do I mean by that?<\/p>\n<p>If your husband is doing extra heavy lifting because of your chronic pain, then that means he is contributing to your life, your family, and your health in a way that feels purposeful and important to him. Without your receptivity, he would not have that purpose.<\/p>\n<p>I think of the coffee cup analogy I learned years ago from a comparative religions student who told me that every object has the properties of yin and yang. Like the ceramic part that forms a coffee cup, where that structure is the yang, or the masculine. The yin, or the feminine, is the part that can hold the coffee.<\/p>\n<p>And without the part that receives the coffee, the cup would have no purpose.<\/p>\n<p>If your husband seems resentful about your chronic pain or the responsibilities he takes on as a result of your limitations, it could be that he doesn\u2019t feel appreciated. That has happened around here too, when I was too afraid to acknowledge and thank my husband because I thought I\u2019d be calling even more attention to my inadequacies.<\/p>\n<p>But when I finally became willing to receive and appreciate all he does for me, I not only felt cherished and adored, he felt proud and happy to take care of me.<\/p>\n<p>When Valerie experimented with this and the other Intimacy Skills, she didn\u2019t just revive a marriage that had seemed destined to self-destruct because of her chronic pain and the stress of caring for her special needs daughter. She also found herself feeling better from all the smiling and sweet interactions with her husband, who went from stony cold co-parent to her tender, attentive hero when she brought her receptivity and gratitude instead of defensiveness and guilt.<\/p>\n<p>And while seeing how much he wanted to give her and do for her didn\u2019t cure her painful condition, it did make her feel better and lighter. Although she still had challenging days, one problem she no longer had was a stressful marriage.<\/p>\n<p>So it\u2019s interesting to think about what might happen if you were to give up any guilty, defensive posture you might have taken on around chronic pain and <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/maintain-balance-in-a-relationship\/\">become a gracious receiver<\/a>, with lots of appreciation for your man.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>As you already know if you or your husband has chronic pain, it can put a massive strain on a marriage. When one of you is always hurting, it\u2019s an ever present challenge to emotional and physical intimacy. Just like when you\u2019re sick, it\u2019s very hard to be at your best when you\u2019re going \u201couch,\u201d\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-does-chronic-pain-affect-your-marriage\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15482,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[715],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-15465","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mental-health"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How Does Chronic Pain Affect Your Marriage?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"So how can you even begin to fix your marriage when your in chronic pain? 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