{"id":15727,"date":"2023-08-14T14:00:29","date_gmt":"2023-08-14T21:00:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/?p=15727"},"modified":"2023-08-14T14:00:02","modified_gmt":"2023-08-14T21:00:02","slug":"married-to-an-angry-man","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/married-to-an-angry-man\/","title":{"rendered":"Married to an Angry Man"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Being married to an angry man is scary because it\u2019s unpredictable.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s only natural to make like a turtle and retreat into your shell because it can really hurt to get the brunt of his anger. Your brain works overtime thinking of ways to protect yourself, which is exhausting and stressful.<\/p>\n<p>It can also make you feel like you need to figure out how to <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-is-always-angry\/\">keep him from getting angry<\/a>. Or that you need to be a buffer between him and the kids.<\/p>\n<p>Or it can make you feel that you need to just get out!<\/p>\n<p>It seems like the only solution is for him to work on his anger issues. Until then, nothing can improve. You just have to wait for that to happen and encourage him to definitely get some therapy or something.<\/p>\n<p>If that\u2019s not happening, it can make you feel powerless and hopeless.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s what I used to think too, but it turns out I was making some mistakes that actually made the problem worse, not better.<\/p>\n<p>And I\u2019ve discovered I\u2019m not the only one. Lots of well-meaning wives have made these same 3 mistakes.<\/p>\n<p>Here they are, along with what to do instead so you can make your home peaceful, calm and safe.<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/married-to-an-angry-man\/#Mistake_1_Walking_on_Eggshells\" title=\"Mistake #1: Walking on Eggshells\">Mistake #1: Walking on Eggshells<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/married-to-an-angry-man\/#Mistake_2_Depriving_Him_of_Oxygen\" title=\"Mistake #2: Depriving Him of Oxygen\">Mistake #2: Depriving Him of Oxygen<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/married-to-an-angry-man\/#Mistake_3_Trying_to_Get_Him_to_Stop_Being_Angry\" title=\"Mistake #3: Trying to Get Him to Stop Being Angry\">Mistake #3: Trying to Get Him to Stop Being Angry<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Mistake_1_Walking_on_Eggshells\"><\/span>Mistake #1: Walking on Eggshells<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15735\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/what-do-you-want-from-your-husband.jpg\" alt=\"What do you want from your marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/what-do-you-want-from-your-husband.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/what-do-you-want-from-your-husband-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/what-do-you-want-from-your-husband-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/what-do-you-want-from-your-husband-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/what-do-you-want-from-your-husband-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>I know this one probably seems like we\u2019ve just landed in Opposite World because walking on eggshells, or going out of your way to make sure he doesn\u2019t get angry, seems like what you absolutely SHOULD do if you\u2019re trying to keep things peaceful, right?<\/p>\n<p>I know! I thought so too!<\/p>\n<p>But trying to \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/podcast\/111-how-to-stop-walking-on-eggshells-when-he-yells\/\">walk on eggshells<\/a>\u201d means you\u2019re trying to control how he reacts. And anytime I\u2019m trying to control someone else, it\u2019s pretty irritating.<\/p>\n<p>So irritating that it could actually make them mad! It\u2019s like trying to put out a fire with gas.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-2379865286\"><p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<!--HubSpot Call-to-Action Code --><span class=\"hs-cta-wrapper\" id=\"hs-cta-wrapper-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><span class=\"hs-cta-node hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" id=\"hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><!--[if lte IE 8]>\n\n<div id=\"hs-cta-ie-element\"><\/div>\n\n<![endif]--><a href=\"https:\/\/cta-redirect.hubspot.com\/cta\/redirect\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" ><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"hs-cta-img\" id=\"hs-cta-img-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" style=\"border-width:0px;\" src=\"https:\/\/no-cache.hubspot.com\/cta\/default\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969.png\"  alt=\"Free Webinar\"\/><\/a><\/span><script charset=\"utf-8\" src=\"https:\/\/js.hscta.net\/cta\/current.js\"><\/script><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> hbspt.cta.load(21708589, '72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969', {\"useNewLoader\":\"true\",\"region\":\"na1\"}); <\/script><\/span><!-- end HubSpot Call-to-Action Code -->\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Whenever I\u2019m controlling, it\u2019s because I\u2019m afraid, so if I\u2019m afraid he\u2019s going to blow up and I show up with that fearful body language and look on my face, it\u2019s a message to him that says \u201cI think you\u2019re going to be upset.\u201d Which, ironically, can be very upsetting.<\/p>\n<p>So what should you do instead of walking on eggshells? (Which, let&#8217;s face it, can\u2019t be done anyway.)<\/p>\n<p>One idea is to ask yourself these two powerful questions:<\/p>\n<p>1. How do I feel?<br \/>\n2. What do I want?<\/p>\n<p>The answer to \u201cHow do I feel?\u201d might be \u201cscared.\u201d Or \u201cnervous.\u201d Or \u201cafraid.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The answer to \u201cWhat do I want?\u201d will depend on you. Only you know what you want right then. Maybe it\u2019s to do something to care for yourself, like take a bath or a walk, or maybe it\u2019s to get takeout for dinner or shop for shoes online.<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes when I\u2019m scared it\u2019s because I\u2019m trying to get my own attention.<\/p>\n<p>Fine, you might be thinking, but then what if he does blow up and I\u2019m browsing shoes? Isn\u2019t that going to make him even madder?<\/p>\n<p>That leads me to the next common mistake.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-2403001970\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Mistake_2_Depriving_Him_of_Oxygen\"><\/span>Mistake #2: Depriving Him of Oxygen<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15736\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/express-your-desires-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"Express your desires in marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/express-your-desires-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/express-your-desires-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/express-your-desires-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/express-your-desires-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/express-your-desires-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>I thought my husband was angry because he just had problems, probably from childhood that he would have to work on for a long, long time in therapy.<\/p>\n<p>But it turns out, I was depriving him of oxygen, by which I mean <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/respect-in-marriage\/\">respect<\/a>. I thought I was respectful, but I wasn\u2019t. I was picking at him all the time without realizing it.<\/p>\n<p>Comedian Steve Trevino does a bit that explains this really well.<\/p>\n<p>He talks about how he didn\u2019t want to get married. He says, \u201cNo man woke up one day and was like \u2018You know what? I\u2019m tired of making my own decisions. I would like to be questioned all the time about everything I do.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Then he mimics his wife saying, \u201cWhy did you park there?\u201d And Steve says, \u201cI can\u2019t take it. I lose it. \u2018FINE! Tell me where you want me to park, boss!\u2019\u201d Then she says, \u201cOh my god, you\u2019re mad. You have anger problems.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Steve says he parks that car by himself all the time and never gets mad. He never asks himself why he parked there when he\u2019s by himself. So he thinks it must be her!<\/p>\n<p>And this is a great example of what my marriage used to look like, where I\u2019d question my husband and think it was harmless, but really I was questioning his competence.<\/p>\n<p>These days, instead of questioning how he does things, I figure out what I want and express that, as in, \u201cI would love to park close to the store.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not questioning his judgment, which would be disrespectful, but just giving him the information about what I desire. (Why do I care about where we park, I sometimes wonder! Who knows! But if I do, it\u2019s up to me to <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/podcast\/116-how-to-ask-for-what-you-want-in-marriage\/\">communicate what I desire<\/a> instead of questioning his choice.)<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"Mistake_3_Trying_to_Get_Him_to_Stop_Being_Angry\"><\/span>Mistake #3: Trying to Get Him to Stop Being Angry<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15737\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/how-control-husbands-behavior.jpg\" alt=\"How to control your husbands behavior\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/how-control-husbands-behavior.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/how-control-husbands-behavior-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/how-control-husbands-behavior-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/how-control-husbands-behavior-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/08\/how-control-husbands-behavior-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>When you\u2019re scared because you know your husband is angry, it\u2019s the most automatic thing in the world to try to <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbally-abusive-men\/\">get him to stop<\/a> by interrupting him, walking away or rolling your eyes.<\/p>\n<p>You always have those options and you\u2019re the expert on your own life.<\/p>\n<p>But what if you mixed things up the next time he gets angry by just\u2026listening? Listening without interrupting, even if he\u2019s yelling.<\/p>\n<p>It can be scary, especially if he\u2019s mad AT you. But listening can be a powerful tonic for anger. Sometimes people get mad because they don\u2019t feel heard.<\/p>\n<p>I did this with my dad, who had a habit of getting worked up about politics. He\u2019d yell and pound the table and go on and on. I\u2019m not proud to say that my reaction was to dismiss him. I\u2019d interrupt or try to change the subject, but he just got louder and more determined to make his points.<\/p>\n<p>Until the day I decided to just listen. I still wasn\u2019t interested in his political points, but I am interested in him, so I just sat there looking at him attentively, and when he paused I said, \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/communication-in-marriage\/\">I hear you<\/a>\u201d or \u201cuh-huh.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That was it.<\/p>\n<p>And then something amazing happened. He stopped. All by himself. He calmed himself down.<\/p>\n<p>He hasn\u2019t gone on a political rant since. But if he did, I\u2019d know it means he just wants to be heard, and there\u2019s nothing I need to do about it but listen.<\/p>\n<p>He just wants to be heard and seen and understood, like all of us.<\/p>\n<p>Of course listening is easier said than done, especially if he\u2019s hurling insults or swearing at you or the kids! When that happens, a powerful response is to honor yourself by simply saying \u201cOuch!\u201d and leaving the room.<\/p>\n<p>Or just \u201cOuch!\u201d if you\u2019re stuck in a car, for example.<\/p>\n<p>It feels ridiculously vulnerable to say \u201cOuch,\u201d but if you are courageous enough to say it, without defending or offending in the process, you give him the space to hear only his own conscience and see that he has hurt the woman he loves.<\/p>\n<p>That is not what he intends, and your <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-gets-mad-when-i-cry\/\">vulnerability is a powerful reminder<\/a> that he loves to be your protector, not your antagonizer.<\/p>\n<p>You have the power to remind him to be the best version of himself when you show up as the best version of yourself.<\/p>\n<p>How will you be your best self today: by getting in touch with your feelings and desires? Expressing those desires? Just listening or saying \u201cOuch\u201d?<\/p>\n<p>I can\u2019t wait to hear which you experiment with.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Being married to an angry man is scary because it\u2019s unpredictable. It\u2019s only natural to make like a turtle and retreat into your shell because it can really hurt to get the brunt of his anger. Your brain works overtime thinking of ways to protect yourself, which is exhausting and stressful. It can also make\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/married-to-an-angry-man\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15734,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[707],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-15727","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-abuse"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Married to an Angry Man<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Here they are, along with what to do instead so you can make your home peaceful, calm and safe.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link 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