{"id":15771,"date":"2024-02-12T21:00:10","date_gmt":"2024-02-13T05:00:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/?p=15771"},"modified":"2024-02-12T21:00:46","modified_gmt":"2024-02-13T05:00:46","slug":"expectations-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/expectations-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"3 Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Did you get married expecting it to look a certain way and then get let down when it didn\u2019t?<\/p>\n<p>That is so discouraging and can even put your marriage at risk.<\/p>\n<p>These are the top 3 expectations that I had in my marriage and that STILL come up for me sometimes and for many of our students too.<\/p>\n<p>So see if you too identify with having these unrealistic expectations.<\/p>\n<p>One of the most insidious ones for me is #1:<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/expectations-in-marriage\/#1_Doing_lots_of_chores_and_housework_is_the_way_to_be_a_good_wife\" title=\"Doing lots of chores and housework is the way to be a good wife\">Doing lots of chores and housework is the way to be a good wife<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/expectations-in-marriage\/#2_Valentines_Day_will_be_so_romantic\" title=\"Valentine\u2019s Day will be so romantic\">Valentine\u2019s Day will be so romantic<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/expectations-in-marriage\/#He_should_know_what_I_want_even_though_I_have_no_idea\" title=\" should know what I want even though I have no idea\"> should know what I want even though I have no idea<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Doing_lots_of_chores_and_housework_is_the_way_to_be_a_good_wife\"><\/span>1. Doing lots of chores and housework is the way to be a good wife<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15989\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/respect-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"Respect in Marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/respect-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/respect-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/respect-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/respect-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/respect-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Early on, I thought that my efforts to keep a nice home and cook meals and do his laundry and run errands and make his doctors\u2019 appointments made me SUCH a good wife.<\/p>\n<p>I was just going to earn so much of his love and appreciation by working hard at home and at work, and putting hot meals on the table at dinner time.<\/p>\n<p>Like he really scored a great wife because I would rattle those pots and pans every night.<\/p>\n<p>It wasn\u2019t long before I resembled a refrigerator magnet a friend got for me that had a 1950s housewife on it holding a casserole. It said, \u201cThe secret ingredient is resentment.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s exactly what was going into all the meals I was making.<\/p>\n<p>And for some reason, this did not get me a grateful kiss and a hug or a pat on the butt, but instead a very distant husband.<\/p>\n<p>He didn\u2019t seem to appreciate everything I was doing for him at all. I sure didn\u2019t feel loved or desired, and I couldn\u2019t work any harder! I was already so tired.<\/p>\n<p>Then I found out about respect and what it really means to a man, which was not what I thought at all, and I started being respectful to him.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-30434315\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>I also found out about expressing my desires and honoring my limits. I stopped doing <em>most <\/em>of the chores. <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/podcast\/115-how-to-get-more-help-from-your-husband\/\">He does 90% of everything now<\/a>, and I\u2019m just grateful and happy and out playing volleyball or arranging the tea in my tea caddy or playing Wordle on my phone.<\/p>\n<p>Now he\u2019s crazy about me and so appreciative of what little I do around here, which seems like hardly anything.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m a high-maintenance wife who hasn\u2019t done the dishes or used a vacuum in years, and my husband is SO in love with me.<\/p>\n<p>So the idea that I would get love as a result of how much I did was completely unrealistic.<\/p>\n<p>He just loves me anyway I think because I\u2019m so loveable and cute and I let him do things for me and give me presents.<\/p>\n<p>That was NOT what I expected.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-4287771987\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Valentines_Day_will_be_so_romantic\"><\/span>2. Valentine\u2019s Day will be so romantic<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15990\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/valentines-day-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"Valentines day in marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/valentines-day-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/valentines-day-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/valentines-day-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/valentines-day-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/valentines-day-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Sure it\u2019s only one day of the year, but when it comes to heavy expectations, <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/valentines-day-gifts-for-husband\/\">Valentine\u2019s Day is a standout<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>These days I mostly feel like every day is Valentine\u2019s Day around here. And John is great about always getting me flowers, chocolates and a card on February 14th. This year I also said \u201cI\u2019ll make us dinner and we can eat together at home.\u201d Which is what we do most nights anyway.<\/p>\n<p>But this was going to be a \u201cValentine\u2019s Day dinner,\u201d whatever that means.<\/p>\n<p>But John\u2019s brother was at our house that afternoon and if it hadn\u2019t been Valentine\u2019s Day I would have probably said, \u201cLet\u2019s have your brother stay for dinner.\u201d But I felt some pressure we had to have this romantic dinner as a couple.<\/p>\n<p>Especially since I\u2019m Laura Doyle, relationship expert.<\/p>\n<p>Then John took his brother home, which took longer than I expected, and instead of doing my thing I was waiting for him to come home so we could fulfill my expectation that we would have a romantic dinner as a couple!<\/p>\n<p>So by the time he got home, I was hangry and crabby and I let him know I was WAITING FOR HIM THAT WHOLE TIME!<\/p>\n<p>John apologized and said, \u201cWell, I\u2019m here now, \u201c and I thought we were going to have a nice Valentine\u2019s dinner together.\u201d And I was like <em>No. NO we\u2019re not. Now it\u2019s too late. Because you took too long.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>So we had a tense meal instead. It took the entire meal for me to cool down.<\/p>\n<p>I reminded myself of my mother on her worst day, even though I\u2019ve been practicing the Intimacy Skills for decades so I didn\u2019t think crazy stupid Valentine\u2019s Day could trip me up like that! But it turns out, I\u2019m still a mere mortal woman.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"He_should_know_what_I_want_even_though_I_have_no_idea\"><\/span>He should know what I want even though I have no idea<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15991\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/resentment-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"Resentment in marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/resentment-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/resentment-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/resentment-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/resentment-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/resentment-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t know where I got this idea that if I was unhappy it was my husband\u2019s job to fix that, but that\u2019s what I thought early on. And I\u2019m not the only one.<\/p>\n<p>A student named Katherine told me that her birthday was coming up and that her husband always let her down on birthdays. Every year they didn\u2019t do anything fun and her husband seemed to struggle to even acknowledge the day.<\/p>\n<p>But when I asked her what she wanted her birthday to look like, she struggled herself. She said, \u201cYou know, we\u2019d do something, we\u2019d go somewhere special!\u201d When I asked her \u201cLike what and where?\u201d she didn\u2019t know.<\/p>\n<p>So I invited her to dream about it and she decided she wanted to go to a nearby coastal city for the day for a hike and have lunch at a seafood restaurant that had great reviews.<\/p>\n<p>She felt happy just thinking about what a fun day that would be. Then she <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/accepting-the-desire\/\">expressed that desire<\/a> to her husband.<\/p>\n<p>And this is key: <em>She did it without expectations.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Just knowing what would make her happy had gone a long way to erasing that feeling of resentment and disappointment she\u2019d been having.<\/p>\n<p>To her surprise, he found the perfect hike in that city, made reservations at the seafood place, and got the car filled up to take her there. He also got her some essential oils that she mentioned she would love AND a beautiful necklace that he thought of all by himself.<\/p>\n<p>Instead of expecting him to know how to make her happy then being resentful when he failed, she dug deep to figure out what would delight her.<\/p>\n<p>Once he knew what to do, he was glad to be her hero.<\/p>\n<p>What expectations <em>are<\/em> realistic in marriage? It\u2019s your birthright as a woman to be cherished, taken care of and adored! And around here we\u2019re not giving up until you get all of that.<\/p>\n<p>Even if you\u2019re not expecting it.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019d love to hear how your expectations in your marriage have served you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Did you get married expecting it to look a certain way and then get let down when it didn\u2019t? That is so discouraging and can even put your marriage at risk. These are the top 3 expectations that I had in my marriage and that STILL come up for me sometimes and for many of\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/expectations-in-marriage\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15988,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[714],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-15771","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-and-relationships"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>3 Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/expectations-in-marriage\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"3 Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Did you get married expecting it to look a certain way and then get let down when it didn\u2019t? That is so discouraging and can even put your marriage at risk. These are the top 3 expectations that I had in my marriage and that STILL come up for me sometimes and for many of\u2026 Read More &raquo;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/expectations-in-marriage\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Laura Doyle Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2024-02-13T05:00:10+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2024-02-13T05:00:46+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/unrealistic-expectations-in-marriage.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"628\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/expectations-in-marriage\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/expectations-in-marriage\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Laura Doyle\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"headline\":\"3 Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage\",\"datePublished\":\"2024-02-13T05:00:10+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2024-02-13T05:00:46+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/expectations-in-marriage\/\"},\"wordCount\":1156,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/expectations-in-marriage\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/unrealistic-expectations-in-marriage.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Love &amp; 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I'm Laura. New York Times Bestselling Author I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that\u2019s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned. I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills\u2122 that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. 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