{"id":15952,"date":"2024-01-29T22:00:00","date_gmt":"2024-01-30T06:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/?p=15952"},"modified":"2024-01-29T22:40:34","modified_gmt":"2024-01-30T06:40:34","slug":"how-to-communicate-your-needs-in-a-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-communicate-your-needs-in-a-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>It feels really bad when your man doesn\u2019t respond to your needs, even if you\u2019ve told him over and over. It makes it seem obvious that he doesn\u2019t care, which can make you feel unloved and scared.<\/p>\n<p>But what if it\u2019s not that he doesn\u2019t care but that you haven\u2019t been well trained on how to communicate your needs in your relationship, just like I wasn\u2019t?<\/p>\n<p>I was a communications major in college, so I thought I was really good at communicating\u2014I mean really, really good at communicating because I know what I need and I\u2019m not afraid to say it.<\/p>\n<p>But it turns out I was confused about several things.<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-communicate-your-needs-in-a-relationship\/#1_I_Confused_Needs_and_Wants\" title=\"I Confused Needs and Wants\">I Confused Needs and Wants<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-communicate-your-needs-in-a-relationship\/#2_I_Tried_to_Communicate_My_Needs_with_We_Instead_of_I\" title=\"I Tried to Communicate My Needs with \u201cWe\u201d Instead of \u201cI\u201d\">I Tried to Communicate My Needs with \u201cWe\u201d Instead of \u201cI\u201d<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-communicate-your-needs-in-a-relationship\/#3_I_Said_My_Needs_Over_and_Over_Otherwise_Known_as_Nagging\" title=\" I Said My Needs Over and Over (Otherwise Known as Nagging)\"> I Said My Needs Over and Over (Otherwise Known as Nagging)<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-communicate-your-needs-in-a-relationship\/#4_I_thought_John_was_Responsible_for_My_Happiness\" title=\" I thought John was Responsible for My Happiness\"> I thought John was Responsible for My Happiness<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_I_Confused_Needs_and_Wants\"><\/span><strong>1. I Confused Needs and Wants<\/strong><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15963\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/how-to-motivate-your-husband.jpg\" alt=\"How to motivate your husband\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/how-to-motivate-your-husband.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/how-to-motivate-your-husband-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/how-to-motivate-your-husband-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/how-to-motivate-your-husband-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/how-to-motivate-your-husband-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>I need air, water, food and shelter. And I want throw pillows for the porch, a party at my place, and shrimp pad thai for dinner.<\/p>\n<p>When I was afraid to honor my desire for frivolous things, I tried to present them as \u201cneeds,\u201d if you can imagine. It was very awkward, but I thought that would make my husband take me more seriously.<\/p>\n<p>I was wrong about that.<\/p>\n<p>I thought that unless the things I desired were actual needs with some practical element to them, I wouldn\u2019t get them and I shouldn\u2019t even want them because that was selfish. So I would try to disguise my desires and act like throw pillows were the same as oxygen.<\/p>\n<p>That didn\u2019t get a great response from my husband because he could smell the manipulation a mile away. I was just overdramatizing.<\/p>\n<p>These days I love just <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/podcast\/116-how-to-ask-for-what-you-want-in-marriage\/\">expressing my desires in a way that inspires<\/a> by saying, \u201cI would love summer throw pillows.\u201d No need to make it sound like I\u2019ll suffocate if I don\u2019t get them.<\/p>\n<p>Once I stopped manipulating and overdramatizing, my husband got a lot more motivated to be my hero. Now we have throw pillows for every season, and John happily stores them in the attic for me until I want them.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-1745975610\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_I_Tried_to_Communicate_My_Needs_with_We_Instead_of_I\"><\/span><strong>2. I Tried to Communicate My Needs with \u201cWe\u201d Instead of \u201cI\u201d<\/strong><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15964\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/honor-your-desires-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"Honor your desires in marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/honor-your-desires-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/honor-your-desires-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/honor-your-desires-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/honor-your-desires-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/honor-your-desires-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>I somehow got confused here too. I would say \u201cwe\u201d needed things instead of that I wanted them: \u201cWe need to visit my parents,\u201d \u201cWe need to go on vacation,\u201d \u201cWe need to remodel.\u201d And although he didn\u2019t say so, there is no universe where John needs to remodel.<\/p>\n<p>The man has no interest in fabric swatches and could be happy with a cot and a locker. It was me who wanted to remodel. And trying to put that on him just made it weird.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-4282770475\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>That was just me being afraid to honor my desires.<\/p>\n<p>All I had to say was \u201cI would love to remodel.\u201d Because once I did, he got all into remodeling too\u2014waaaay into it\u2014to make me happy.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_I_Said_My_Needs_Over_and_Over_Otherwise_Known_as_Nagging\"><\/span>3) I Said My Needs Over and Over (Otherwise Known as Nagging)<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15965\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/how-to-get-what-you-need-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"How to get what you need in marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/how-to-get-what-you-need-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/how-to-get-what-you-need-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/how-to-get-what-you-need-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/how-to-get-what-you-need-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/how-to-get-what-you-need-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>When I was repeating myself, it was really to flog my husband for not giving me what I needed. It was to complain and criticize. So saying, \u201cWe need to clean the garage\u201d the third, fourth and fifth time was the same as saying, \u201cYou still haven\u2019t cleaned the garage!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>He knew this and <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-listen-to-me\/\">tuned me out<\/a> because who wouldn\u2019t tune out a critical nagging shrew?<\/p>\n<p>When I finally said, \u201cI would love to park both cars in the garage,\u201d I got a completely different response. Later that day, the cars fit in the garage. Like magic!<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_I_thought_John_was_Responsible_for_My_Happiness\"><\/span>4) I thought John was Responsible for My Happiness<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15966\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/say-what-you-need-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/say-what-you-need-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/say-what-you-need-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/say-what-you-need-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/say-what-you-need-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/say-what-you-need-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>So I was telling him what I needed him to do to make me happy, like spending more time with me, being more affectionate, talking to me more.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s what I thought would make me happy. But it turns out it\u2019s my job to make Laura happy.<\/p>\n<p>He can\u2019t even do it, especially when I was so committed to being miserable so he would know he wasn\u2019t making me happy.<\/p>\n<p>Once I figured out how to make myself happy and made that a priority, I got a lot more of the attention and affection I was seeking from him without having to communicate anything at all.<\/p>\n<p>He just wanted to be around the happy woman who was singing \u201cBaby Shark\u201d in all different voices in the kitchen.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It feels really bad when your man doesn\u2019t respond to your needs, even if you\u2019ve told him over and over. It makes it seem obvious that he doesn\u2019t care, which can make you feel unloved and scared. But what if it\u2019s not that he doesn\u2019t care but that you haven\u2019t been well trained on how\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-communicate-your-needs-in-a-relationship\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15962,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[708],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-15952","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-communicate-your-needs-in-a-relationship\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Communicate Your Needs in a Relationship\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"It feels really bad when your man doesn\u2019t respond to your needs, even if you\u2019ve told him over and over. It makes it seem obvious that he doesn\u2019t care, which can make you feel unloved and scared. But what if it\u2019s not that he doesn\u2019t care but that you haven\u2019t been well trained on how\u2026 Read More &raquo;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-communicate-your-needs-in-a-relationship\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Laura Doyle Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2024-01-30T06:00:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2024-01-30T06:40:34+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/01\/how-to-communicate-your-needs-in-a-relationship.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"628\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" 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