{"id":16045,"date":"2024-03-11T22:00:07","date_gmt":"2024-03-12T05:00:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/?p=16045"},"modified":"2024-03-11T22:32:52","modified_gmt":"2024-03-12T05:32:52","slug":"lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Lack of Intimacy in Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>I remember what lack of intimacy was like in my marriage\u2014terrible.<\/p>\n<p>It made me feel like what\u2019s the point of even being married?! Every interaction was a painful reminder that we were NOT having deep conversations, flirting, or laughing together.<\/p>\n<p>There was no emotional intimacy and then no physical intimacy either.<\/p>\n<p>I felt rejected and neglected. I did not feel desired, something that\u2019s really important to me.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p>Since we\u2019d started out with so much connection and playfulness before, I knew what I was missing, which made it even worse!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<p>I couldn\u2019t tell myself, \u201cThis is just what happens when you\u2019ve been married for a while.\u201d Even if that were true, it didn\u2019t stop me from wanting the intimacy back, even though I\u2019d forgotten why I chose my husband.<\/p>\n<p>So it was pretty confusing and miserable for a few years.<\/p>\n<p>But here are 3 things I learned about where the intimacy went and how to get it back.<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage\/#1_Control_and_Intimacy_Are_Opposites\" title=\"Control and Intimacy Are Opposites\">Control and Intimacy Are Opposites<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage\/#2_Respect_Is_like_Oxygen_for_Men\" title=\"Respect Is like Oxygen for Men\">Respect Is like Oxygen for Men<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage\/#3_Intimacy_Is_Not_for_Sissies\" title=\"Intimacy Is Not for Sissies\">Intimacy Is Not for Sissies<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Control_and_Intimacy_Are_Opposites\"><\/span>1. Control and Intimacy Are Opposites<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-16050\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/how-to-get-intimacy-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"How to get intimacy in marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/how-to-get-intimacy-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/how-to-get-intimacy-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/how-to-get-intimacy-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/how-to-get-intimacy-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/how-to-get-intimacy-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>I did a lot of instructing, encouraging, cajoling, insisting, and demanding that John do things my way\u2014the right way. I thought I was being helpful by teaching him things that I knew more about, but I was actually being a steamroller.<\/p>\n<p>What I didn\u2019t realize is that control and intimacy are opposites, like light and dark.<\/p>\n<p>Now I know that if I want intimacy, I have to be willing to just let him be himself. Which meant I had to learn how to stop being so helpful! And that was hard for me!<\/p>\n<p>Every helpful suggestion I made about how he should dress, drive, eat, or clean was chipping away at the intimacy. It still does when I get to feeling like a smarty pants again, which happens from time to time.<\/p>\n<p>If I want intimacy, I have to give up trying to control and <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-save-a-marriage-when-only-one-is-trying\/\">stay on my own paper<\/a> instead. Learning how to do that was a revelation, and I\u2019m so grateful for that now because controlling is exhausting and backfires. It\u2019s also disrespectful, which leads me to the second thing I learned about how to get intimacy back\u2026<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-3521381815\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Respect_Is_like_Oxygen_for_Men\"><\/span>2. Respect Is like Oxygen for Men<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-16053\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/respect-is-a-part-of-intimacy.jpg\" alt=\"Respect is a part of intimacy\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/respect-is-a-part-of-intimacy.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/respect-is-a-part-of-intimacy-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/respect-is-a-part-of-intimacy-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/respect-is-a-part-of-intimacy-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/respect-is-a-part-of-intimacy-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Of course, everyone wants to feel respected, but for my husband, and maybe yours too, respect is like oxygen. He\u2019ll suffocate without it.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-510335963\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Part of the reason he chose me was because I admired him so much and I thought he was so smart.<\/p>\n<p>But then I gradually started telling him how to load the dishwasher, which lane to drive in, and what to eat for lunch. So <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/podcast\/top-10-ways-to-control-your-husband\/\">my control was very disrespectful<\/a>, but it wasn\u2019t the only way I was disrespectful.<\/p>\n<p>I started to expect the worst from him, instead of the best. I also interrupted him, rolled my eyes, laughed at his ideas, and walked away while he was talking.<\/p>\n<p>I was kinder to strangers than to the man I swore to love forever.<\/p>\n<p>Pretty embarrassing!<\/p>\n<p>There are lots of ways to be disrespectful. I tried them all and none of them feels good to me now. They all make me feel hairy and dirty. Blech!<\/p>\n<p>They also cost me intimacy big time. You can\u2019t have an intimate marriage without the oxygen of respect, in my experience.<\/p>\n<p>To restore the intimacy, consider reviewing how you\u2019re doing with respect.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Intimacy_Is_Not_for_Sissies\"><\/span>3. Intimacy Is Not for Sissies<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-16054\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/support-for-intimacy-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"Support for intimacy in marriage\" width=\"1336\" height=\"562\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/support-for-intimacy-in-marriage.jpg 1336w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/support-for-intimacy-in-marriage-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/support-for-intimacy-in-marriage-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/support-for-intimacy-in-marriage-768x323.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/support-for-intimacy-in-marriage-1200x505.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1336px) 100vw, 1336px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>One of the big gifts that came out of the breakdown in my marriage was that I discovered that I was a scaredy-cat!<\/p>\n<p>I was scared all the time. I focused on what I was scared about and gave it a voice. All. Day. Long.<\/p>\n<p>To stop controlling and become more respectful, I had to become more courageous. Developing courage muscles seemed like a big hill to climb at first.<\/p>\n<p>Picture a training montage where someone starts out all out of shape. But then you see them get all fit and strong by the end.<\/p>\n<p>It was just like that, but I went from being anxious all the time to being braver and more confident.<\/p>\n<p>I developed the ability to feel my fear coming up and not act on it. Like when I decided to trust him to choose investments for our retirement even though I was scared we\u2019d lose money.<\/p>\n<p>I realized that didn\u2019t mean I was right, only that I was afraid.<\/p>\n<p>It still feels like a superpower because in the beginning, it didn\u2019t seem possible.<\/p>\n<p>I wondered, \u201cHow am I ever going to stop acting on my fear and learn to choose my faith? How am I ever going to have anything to say if I don&#8217;t give voice to my fears?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>My superpower really improved when I started <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">hanging around other women who were practicing the same thing<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>We all got braver together and supported each other in choosing our faith. That turned out to be great for the intimacy in my marriage and for theirs too.<\/p>\n<p>So it\u2019s interesting to think about what might happen in your marriage if you were highly skilled at choosing your faith every day. It might just bring back the intimacy that you crave.<\/p>\n<p>Now that you know what I learned, what are you learning about where the intimacy went and how you might get it back?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I remember what lack of intimacy was like in my marriage\u2014terrible. It made me feel like what\u2019s the point of even being married?! Every interaction was a painful reminder that we were NOT having deep conversations, flirting, or laughing together. There was no emotional intimacy and then no physical intimacy either. I felt rejected and\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":16049,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[716],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-16045","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sex-life-and-physical-intimacy"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Lack of Intimacy in Marriage<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Lack of Intimacy in Marriage\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I remember what lack of intimacy was like in my marriage\u2014terrible. It made me feel like what\u2019s the point of even being married?! Every interaction was a painful reminder that we were NOT having deep conversations, flirting, or laughing together. There was no emotional intimacy and then no physical intimacy either. I felt rejected and\u2026 Read More &raquo;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Laura Doyle Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2024-03-12T05:00:07+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2024-03-12T05:32:52+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"628\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Laura Doyle\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"headline\":\"Lack of Intimacy in Marriage\",\"datePublished\":\"2024-03-12T05:00:07+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2024-03-12T05:32:52+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage\/\"},\"wordCount\":895,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/lack-of-intimacy-in-marriage.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Sex Life &amp; 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I'm Laura. New York Times Bestselling Author I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that\u2019s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned. I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills\u2122 that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. 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It made me feel like what\u2019s the point of even being married?! Every interaction was a painful reminder that we were NOT having deep conversations, flirting, or laughing together. There was no emotional intimacy and then no physical intimacy either. 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