{"id":16275,"date":"2024-07-15T22:00:22","date_gmt":"2024-07-16T05:00:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/?p=16275"},"modified":"2024-10-14T14:43:11","modified_gmt":"2024-10-14T21:43:11","slug":"why-is-my-husband-so-defensive","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/why-is-my-husband-so-defensive\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Is My Husband So Defensive?"},"content":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s annoying when you\u2019re trying to have a normal conversation and he either clams up and gets cold or raises his voice or starts arguing with you.<\/p>\n

You just want to say \u201cKnock it off!\u201d and have him calm down and relax so you can have a normal conversation.<\/p>\n

Why is he so riled up today anyway?<\/p>\n

I used to be so confused about why my husband would look exasperated or rub his forehead when all I\u2019d said was, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you order new checks online instead of physically going to the bank?\u201d<\/p>\n

\"Terrible<\/p>\n

But it turns out, John is not a defensive guy. Without meaning to or even realizing it, I was offending him. I didn\u2019t think he should be offended! But he was.<\/p>\n

Now that I understand better how I was offending him, it\u2019s not that surprising he was reacting so badly before. In hindsight, I was pretty offensive!<\/p>\n

Even once I realized it, it wasn\u2019t easy to stop because I didn\u2019t see an alternative at first. I thought if I didn\u2019t say the offensive things I would be a victim of my terrible husband forever. And ever!<\/p>\n

But I was wrong.<\/p>\n

There was no real payoff to the things I was doing to offend him. They just weren\u2019t worth the price of admission.<\/p>\n

You might be thinking, \u201cBut Laura! you seem so nice and so sweet. And definitely super funny. How could YOU have been making your husband defensive?\u201d<\/p>\n

Here are 3 ways I\u2019m embarrassed to say I unintentionally made him feel he had to protect himself from me:<\/p>\n

<\/span>1. I Was Too \u201cHelpful\u201d<\/span><\/h2>\n

\"Husband<\/p>\n

So \u201chelpful\u201d is in quotes there because my suggestions were not all that helpful. *I* thought they were because, obviously, it\u2019s faster to order checks online than it is to go to the actual bank and get them there, right? Who\u2019s with me? So I was just stating the obvious.<\/p>\n

That was just this morning, by the way.<\/p>

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Obviously I know better now, but still sometimes I fall into a little helpful pothole. I realized right away I was offending him because he slumped his shoulders in exasperation.<\/p>\n

So dramatic. Like I was on his back! Whaaaaaat?!<\/p>\n

I was just trying to help!<\/p>\n

But the subtext was, \u201cI\u2019m so much smarter than you about getting checks. Do it my way.\u201d And that\u2019s pretty darn disrespectful. Very disrespectful. Let\u2019s be honest.<\/p>\n

John is perfectly competent to order checks. I can trust him. There is no need to interfere with how he\u2019s doing that.<\/p>\n

Yet sometimes I still find it irresistible to share my infinite wisdom. About acquiring checks, I had given consideration for at least ten seconds before bestowing my helpful advice<\/a>.<\/p>\n

So sometimes I\u2019m still too helpful\u2014I know, I know. Then I regret it because I don\u2019t like it when he gets defensive because then I\u2019m busted and the only thing to do is apologize. Or else just continue to feel hairy and dirty for a while. And then<\/em> apologize.<\/p>\n

\n

Related Article:<\/h3>\n

The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>

<\/span>2. I Was Suffocating Him<\/span><\/h2>\n

\"Respecting<\/p>\n

If he seems guarded, that\u2019s a pretty good sign that I may have just been disrespectful in some way, even if I didn\u2019t make a helpful suggestion.<\/p>\n

Being helpful is only one of the many ways I can be disrespectful. I\u2019ve tried them all. None of them feels very good for either one of us.<\/p>\n

Another way I was eliciting his defensiveness was by depriving him of oxygen, by which I mean respect.<\/p>\n

I interrupted him, dismissed him, walked away while he was talking, or contradicted his ideas.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not perfect, but this is an area where using the cheat phrases and practices from the 6 Intimacy Skills\u2122<\/a>, like \u201cI hear you\u201d and \u201cWhatever you think,\u201d have helped me improve by light years from what I used to be like.<\/p>\n

<\/span>3. I Did Not Express My Desires<\/span><\/h2>\n

\"Expressing<\/p>\n

When John raises his voice or gets a frustrated look on his face, I\u2019ll think, \u201cWhat\u2019s up with him?\u201d That\u2019s as far as I used to get, thinking, \u201cHe\u2019s obviously got some kind of problem. So annoying!\u201d<\/p>\n

But now after practicing the Intimacy Skills for decades, my next thought is, \u201cWhat just happened? Did I maybe contribute to him responding this way?\u201d<\/p>\n

And one of the times I notice him getting defensive is when I can\u2019t figure out what I desire, so he doesn\u2019t know how to make me happy<\/a>.<\/p>\n

When I\u2019m being unpleasable because I can\u2019t decide what groceries I want picked up, whether I want to keep these decorations in the attic for next year, or whether I want a snack too or to just maybe eat his, he gets frustrated.<\/p>\n

So, one way to get him to respond better is to have my finger on the pulse of what I want and express it clearly<\/a>. When I do that, he\u2019s not in the dark about how to succeed at one of his highest priorities, which is making me happy.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s up to me to be responsible for my desires, and his umbrage is now just a reminder that I\u2019m deciding not to decide, which is annoying.<\/p>\n

Can my husband ever be defensive just because he\u2019s having a bad day? Well, I\u2019m sure that can happen. But when I\u2019m on my game, being a total Intimacy Skills Ninja, it creates a lot of emotional safety around here.<\/p>\n

We both feel pretty safe, and when you feel safe there\u2019s nothing to protect against. Everybody can just be their best self, like when you first got together.<\/p>\n

It gets pretty peaceful and playful around here, and okay, a little silly and immature even.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s why I like knowing what I did\u2014and what I can do to fix it\u2014when my husband is defensive.<\/p>\n

If your man is being defensive, how might you have contributed and how can you fix it? I\u2019d love to hear in the comments.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s annoying when you\u2019re trying to have a normal conversation and he either clams up and gets cold or raises his voice or starts arguing with you. You just want to say \u201cKnock it off!\u201d and have him calm down and relax so you can have a normal conversation. Why is he so riled up\u2026 Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":16280,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[708],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-16275","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Is My Husband So Defensive? 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