Dear Laura,
\nI am the only breadwinner at my house. I desperately want to respect my husband, but I have a VERY hard time not resenting that I have to work to earn all the money and that I end up doing all the housework too. He watches the children, which is a lot, but every so often I get exhausted and lose it. How can I get my husband to clean up more so I don\u2019t get so stressed?
\n— Pooped Professional<\/p>\n
Dear Pooped,
\nI remember how stressful it was when I was the only breadwinner at our house. At the time, I was so \u201chelpful\u201d with pointing out things he hadn\u2019t done (while overlooking the things that he had) that my husband, John, felt he couldn\u2019t do anything right. As a result, he barely did anything, which made him feel useless and depressed. And it made me crazy because I felt lonely and overwhelmed with all the responsibility.<\/p>\n
Everybody was miserable–and no wonder. Neither of us was playing to our strengths.<\/p>\n
Like all husband, my husband wants to make me happy. But I was so controlling he saw no opportunity to please me or take care of me. I forgot to acknowledge my feminine spirit by saying, \u201cI can\u2019t\u201d when I was overwhelmed. Instead, I\u2019d suck up my resentment as long as I could and then blow my lid in a very undignified way every so often.<\/p>\n
The solution was for me to start being honest about what I needed help with\u2014not by making lists of chores for him and putting them on the refrigerator, but by saying things like, \u201cI want to make a nice dinner for us, but I don\u2019t want to do the dishes.\u201d He volunteered to do the dishes that day and has been doing them ever since\u2014over ten years. When juggling the bills made me anxious I said, \u201cI can\u2019t do this anymore. It\u2019s too stressful for me.\u201d John has handled that chore ever since.<\/p>\n
The more my husband took on, and the more I expressed gratitude and respect, the happier and prouder he seemed, and the more relaxed I felt. Having that connection to our money and our household needs when he started managing the bills\u2014combined with his improved self-worth\u2013\u2013led to him starting a successful business.<\/p>\n
I still focus on my self-care by doing at least three things every day for my own enjoyment. Instead of the stressed-out woman I was once, I\u2019m now a well-taken-care-of one. And it\u2019s not hard to respect the successful, hard-working man I married.<\/p>\n
I can\u2019t promise your story will end the same way, but I can promise that focusing on expressing your desires and setting your limits will go a long way toward erasing the resentment you\u2019re feeling. Start focusing on what you want and expressing it without manipulation, frustration or control. Don\u2019t worry if your desires are practical or even possible\u2014just acknowledge them. Maybe you want to be a stay-at-home mom while he supports the family. Even if that doesn\u2019t seem possible right now, you can simply acknowledge that it\u2019s your desire.<\/p>\n
Give your husband the opportunity to make you happy and you might be surprised just how far he will go to please you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"