{"id":5269,"date":"2014-03-03T12:00:29","date_gmt":"2014-03-03T12:00:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=5269"},"modified":"2025-05-13T13:30:00","modified_gmt":"2025-05-13T20:30:00","slug":"verbal-abuse-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Verbal Abuse in Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019ve been on the receiving end of a rageaholic\u2019s repeated outbursts, you know how devastating it is to be verbally abused.<\/p>\n<p>You know how demeaning, cruel and destructive it is to your self-esteem.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s the worst.<\/p>\n<p>When that hurtful scenario keeps recurring, it seems only sane and obvious to get away from that abusive person permanently.<\/p>\n<p>If you have no power to prevent your partner from exploding, what choice does that leave?<\/p>\n<p>The only logical thing to do is divorce.<\/p>\n<p>But that\u2019s not always an easy choice either, especially if you would be tearing apart your family or wrecking your finances.<\/p>\n<p>What if you could reduce the blow-ups? What if they dwindled down to hardly ever? Or even none at all?<\/p>\n<p>I wouldn\u2019t have believed that was possible if I hadn\u2019t seen it for myself. But now that I\u2019ve also witnessed thousands of other women who have used the Connection Framework in their relationships to create the same outcome, it\u2019s hard to deny that, to paraphrase Thomas Wolfe, miracles not only happen, they happen all the time.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve witnessed and experienced some powerful practices that you may be able to use to create calm and peace.<\/p>\n<p>But you don\u2019t have to take my word for it\u2014you can see for yourself by experimenting in your own relationship. Here are two ways to do that:<\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/#1_Restore_the_Oxygen\" title=\"Restore the Oxygen\">Restore the Oxygen<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/#2_Responding_to_His_Verbal_Abuse\" title=\"Responding to His Verbal Abuse\">Responding to His Verbal Abuse<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Restore_the_Oxygen\"><\/span>1. Restore the Oxygen<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-14584 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/silent-treatment-in-marriage.jpg\" alt=\"Silent Treatment in Marriage\" width=\"1280\" height=\"853\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/silent-treatment-in-marriage.jpg 1280w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/silent-treatment-in-marriage-150x100.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/silent-treatment-in-marriage-480x320.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/silent-treatment-in-marriage-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/silent-treatment-in-marriage-1200x800.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1280px) 100vw, 1280px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>This first experiment takes some humility.<\/p>\n<p>Because of course, you didn\u2019t cause verbal abuse in your relationship any more than I did in mine!<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-1909697677\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>But I was making a few mistakes that added fuel to the fire.<\/p>\n<p>One of the mistakes I made early on in my marriage\u2014and that I see SO many other women making without even knowing it\u2014was being disrespectful to my husband.<\/p>\n<p>And since respect is like oxygen to men, withholding it is a serious problem even if you don\u2019t know that\u2019s what you\u2019re doing.<\/p>\n<p>When I finally learned <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-respect-your-husband\/\">what respect looks like to men, including my husband, it was a shocker<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>If you had asked me early on if I was respectful to my man, I would have nodded vigorously and said, \u201cOh, yes, I am! Except for the way he watches too much TV, all the junk he eats, what a slob he is, and that he doesn\u2019t make enough money.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As I\u2019m sure you noticed\u2026that wasn\u2019t respectful. At all.<\/p>\n<p>Clearly, I had no idea what respect meant, but I thought I did. I didn\u2019t even realize that I had something to learn because I\u2019d been hearing about respect in marriage all my life, and I assumed I understood it and was doing it. Mostly.<\/p>\n<p>I had no idea I was part of the problem. I thought I\u2019d just married a jerk.<\/p>\n<p>And even if I did know what it meant to be respectful, why should I respect a jerk anyway?<\/p>\n<p>I figured he had an anger problem, and he needed to work on it for our relationship to improve.<\/p>\n<p>In the meantime, I was getting hurt a lot, which was chipping away at my self-confidence and joie de vivre. And he wasn\u2019t even working on getting better about his verbal abuse, as far as I could tell. Which is why divorce was looking like my best option.<\/p>\n<p>What I didn\u2019t realize is that my disrespect was also hurting his self-confidence and joie de vivre. It made him defensive.<\/p>\n<p>No one is at their best when they\u2019re defensive. People often seem like hostile, vicious donkeys when they\u2019re defensive.<\/p>\n<p>To my husband, my disrespect was devastating.<\/p>\n<p>The pain of knowing that the woman who knows him best in the world didn\u2019t think much of him was too much to bear.<\/p>\n<p>His defense was to be mean back.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s not right, and it\u2019s not fair. But it is human. Hurt people hurt.<\/p>\n<p>Abby had the same experience. She explained that because she wanted to help him be healthy, she\u2019d told her husband how bad it was for him to drink soda and that he needed to stop\u2014even though he loved to drink soda. His response to her concerned comment was to scream at her that what she said didn\u2019t matter and to shut-the-bleep-up.<\/p>\n<p>She wanted to know what to do about his verbal abuse.<\/p>\n<p>But right there in her question to me is the part where she\u2019d said, \u201cI know better than you, and you\u2019re making a terrible, ignorant choice by drinking soda, you incompetent idiot! \u201d<\/p>\n<p>Of course, those aren\u2019t the words she used, but that\u2019s how her disrespect landed on her husband\u2019s ears, which sounds pretty abusive once it\u2019s translated, doesn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n<p>Who wouldn\u2019t be defensive?<\/p>\n<p>If your man\u2019s hostility seems to come from out of nowhere, it may also be his inappropriate response to feeling disrespected.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s what it turned out to be in my case, and so many others I\u2019ve witnessed as a relationship coach.<\/p>\n<p>Because I was so hurt and upset for so long, the idea of focusing on what I could clean up on my side of the street seemed outrageous! I resisted it mightily. But in my desperation to end my own suffering, I became willing to apologize and be accountable for my part of the drama.<\/p>\n<p>Cleaning up my side of the street by learning <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-respect-your-husband\/\">how to be respectful<\/a>, which feels more dignified and pleasant to me anyway, was a powerful tonic for the verbal abuse at my house.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-547745608\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Responding_to_His_Verbal_Abuse\"><\/span>2. Responding to His Verbal Abuse<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-14585 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/responding-to-verbal-abuse.jpg\" alt=\"Responding to Verbal Abuse in Marriage\" width=\"1280\" height=\"853\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/responding-to-verbal-abuse.jpg 1280w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/responding-to-verbal-abuse-150x100.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/responding-to-verbal-abuse-480x320.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/responding-to-verbal-abuse-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/responding-to-verbal-abuse-1200x800.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1280px) 100vw, 1280px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>This next experiment requires courage.<\/p>\n<p>Think of it as teaching your man how to treat you by honoring yourself even when the barrage of nasty words is starting, like Yuki did.<\/p>\n<p>When Yuki discovered the <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">6 Intimacy Skills\u2122<\/a>, she was desperate but skeptical.<\/p>\n<p>After years of verbal abuse, it seemed impossible that anything could change\u2014short of breaking up her family and devastating her young children, which she was unwilling to do.<\/p>\n<p>Exhausted from walking on eggshells to prevent her husband\u2019s tirades, she felt trapped.<\/p>\n<p>But as she started practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills\u2122, she had a breakthrough:<\/p>\n<p>Trying to manage his temper was <em>actually backfiring.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Every time she shushed the kids or tried to calm her husband down before he lost control, she was sending an unspoken message:<\/p>\n<p><em>&#8220;You&#8217;re probably going to lose your temper.&#8221;<\/em><\/p>\n<p>And sure enough, her Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy came true again and again.<\/p>\n<p>Working with her relationship coach, Yuki came up with a new game plan.<\/p>\n<p>Instead of trying to control him, she would stay with herself\u2014and tend to her own needs.<\/p>\n<p>To help, she picked a mantra to remind herself when fear struck:<br \/>\n<strong>&#8220;Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>She got her first big test on Thanksgiving Day.<\/p>\n<p>The oven broke while her husband was preparing the meal, and she could feel the tension rising.<\/p>\n<p>The old urge\u2014to soothe him, to fix it\u2014rose up.<\/p>\n<p>But this time, she paused.<\/p>\n<p>She asked herself: <em>What do I want right now?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>The answer: <em>A hot shower.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>So calmly, Yuki announced she was going to take a shower, trusting that he could handle the situation.<\/p>\n<p>Her new Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy\u2014<em>&#8220;I&#8217;m not worried. You&#8217;ll figure it out&#8221;<\/em>\u2014hung silently in the air.<\/p>\n<p>The hot water poured over her, washing away her fear.<br \/>\nAnd when she returned to the kitchen, she found her husband had solved the problem and was calmly cooking away. Their family enjoyed a peaceful Thanksgiving.<\/p>\n<p>My takeaway from her story, which <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/podcast\/219-how-do-you-respect-a-husband-who-hasnt-earned-it\/\">she tells in her own words on <\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/podcast\/219-how-do-you-respect-a-husband-who-hasnt-earned-it\/\">the Empowered Wife Podcast<\/a>, is that when you stay with yourself, you create the emotional safety that invites everyone around you to rise.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you\u2019ve been on the receiving end of a rageaholic\u2019s repeated outbursts, you know how devastating it is to be verbally abused. You know how demeaning, cruel and destructive it is to your self-esteem. It\u2019s the worst. When that hurtful scenario keeps recurring, it seems only sane and obvious to get away from that abusive\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":16770,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[707],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-5269","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-abuse"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Verbal Abuse in Marriage [2 Huge Mistakes to Avoid]<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"It\u2019s devastating dealing with verbal abuse in your marriage. Divorce isn\u2019t the only answer. 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Avoid these 2 huge mistakes to get back the peace.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Laura Doyle Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2014-03-03T12:00:29+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2025-05-13T20:30:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage-1.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"628\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Laura Doyle\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"headline\":\"Verbal Abuse in Marriage\",\"datePublished\":\"2014-03-03T12:00:29+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2025-05-13T20:30:00+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/\"},\"wordCount\":1309,\"commentCount\":90,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage-1.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Abuse\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/\",\"name\":\"Verbal Abuse in Marriage [2 Huge Mistakes to Avoid]\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/03\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage-1.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2014-03-03T12:00:29+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2025-05-13T20:30:00+00:00\",\"description\":\"It\u2019s devastating dealing with verbal abuse in your marriage. 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I'm Laura. New York Times Bestselling Author I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that\u2019s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned. I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills\u2122 that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. 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