{"id":6119,"date":"2015-04-30T19:15:11","date_gmt":"2015-04-30T19:15:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=6119"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:35:29","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:35:29","slug":"why-my-wifes-approach-to-relationships-is-better-than-marriage-counseling-by-john-doyle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/why-my-wifes-approach-to-relationships-is-better-than-marriage-counseling-by-john-doyle\/","title":{"rendered":"Why My Wife\u2019s Approach to Relationships is Better Than Marriage Counseling by John Doyle"},"content":{"rendered":"

When Laura and I first met, she was a 21-year old journalism student at San Jose State University. She had just gone to an event downtown and was dressed to the nines. Having just gotten back from the beach, I was gross and sandy. I had parked my pickup truck and was walking toward my front door and she was standing on her front porch.<\/p>\n

Laura was the proverbial \u201cgirl next door.\u201d Her apartment shared a wall with mine, and many times I could hear her talking on the phone or to her roommate, laughing at something. So even before I met her, I knew she loved to laugh.<\/p>\n

In our conversation, I told her I liked to play guitar and participate in amateur theater plays. Now if you ask Laura, this is where the story diverges. Laura says that she said \u201cI\u2019d like to go to a play sometime.\u201d My recollection is that Laura looked up to the sky and said \u201cI wish someone would take me to a play.\u201d I felt that the ball was in my court and I asked her out right then and there.<\/p>\n

Perhaps there is a key to Laura\u2019s philosophy from her book, The Empowered Wife: Six Surprising Secrets, for Attracting Your Husband’s Times, Attention and Affection<\/em> in that exchange. Laura was expressing her desire to go to a play in the near future. She didn\u2019t say \u201cwe should go to a play\u201d or \u201cyou should take me to a play.\u201d She said \u201cI\u2019d like to go to a play sometime.\u201d However I heard or interpreted the words, they instilled in me a sense of urgency to ask her on a date.<\/p>\n

Before I met Laura, I hadn\u2019t dated for over a year. I\u2019d had a couple of long-term relationships, but I wasn\u2019t ready to commit to a permanent one. At the time, my mother said that I hadn\u2019t found someone I liked \u201cbetter than yourself\u201d yet, and that when I did, \u201cyou\u2019ll chase her until she catches you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Much of what attracted me to Laura was that she smiled a lot, and seemed so happy when I would see her. We became boyfriend and girlfriend in March and were married in September the following year.<\/p>\n

In August, the year we met, I surprised Laura by taking her on a trip to Hawaii. At first, we were having a great time, enjoying our vacation. Then one day she was upset that we weren\u2019t doing something she wanted to do. She had wanted to go to the beach, but we were driving around inland. I was a little over hungry, and not very responsive. She started raging at me. Here we were in Hawaii, on a trip together that I took her on, and she was yelling and belligerent. But we were still new as a couple, and I thought that these few brief incidents were aberrations.<\/p>\n

Most of the time in our relationship, things were good, and Laura was sweet and funny, and we got along really well. We were happy enough together that we wanted to get married. The wedding was really great, and our families were both there to bless us.<\/p>\n

On our honeymoon, in Mexico, Laura was yelling at the staff because a 50 dollar coupon wasn\u2019t honored for our ride from the airport. She was really angry and seemed a little out of control. The staff at the hotel seemed rather hurt by her berating them. The second part of our honeymoon was in Las Vegas, and everything went fine, with no raging or yelling.<\/p>\n

As our marriage progressed, sometimes she would be nice, then angry and controlling. Seemed like this happy young woman I had married turned into an angry unhappy person. It was kind of a Jekyll and Hyde situation. Much of what I tried to do for her wasn\u2019t good enough, and she would occasionally berate me for not being the husband she wanted me to be.<\/p>\n

Laura is what you might call a feisty person, and most of the decisions I made were under her scrutiny and subject to her approval. It seemed like every step I would take required her observation and commentary. Just a simple decision I would make for myself usually was answered with an opposite suggestion, although I did not solicit her advice.<\/p>\n

So we struggled along for a few years. Much of my energy was spent in conflict avoidance and hiding my opinions and preferences from Laura, just staying out of her way. There were a lot of arguments, and when I felt one coming on, I would run and hide to the safety of the TV or someplace out of the house.<\/p>\n

Finally we were driving on a date to a restaurant near Disneyland (\u201cthe happiest place on earth\u201d) and she was yelling at me about something, and I said \u201cThat\u2019s it! Let\u2019s go to counseling, if it will fix this! I don\u2019t care if it\u2019s all my fault!\u201d<\/p>

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