{"id":7146,"date":"2015-09-03T07:55:27","date_gmt":"2015-09-03T14:55:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=7146"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:35:21","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:35:21","slug":"talking-about-our-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/talking-about-our-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"How Not Talking About Our Relationship Saved My Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"

I admit that if anyone had told me not to talk about my relationship to my husband when I was newly married 26 years ago, I would have dismissed that person as a nut job. I probably would have smugly said, \u201cWe talk about everything.\u201d<\/p>\n

You might be getting ready to put me in the nut job jar too, but before you do, let me tell you what I do that makes my relationship amazing and gets me all the things I was trying to get (but never did) by talking to my husband about our relationship. <\/p>\n

First, here\u2019s what used to happen at my house, before I knew any better: I used to say, \u201cWe need to talk about our relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n

Maybe you\u2019ve done the same thing.<\/p>\n

This seemed perfectly reasonable to me, since everybody knows that communication is the key to a good relationship, right?<\/p>\n

During these \u201cState of the Union Addresses\u201d (our union), I\u2019d sit him down on the drab gray couch and tell him where he was going wrong and what he needed to do to improve.<\/p>\n

I knew the things I said were not complimentary, but I told myself that I was saying what had to be said\u2014the truth!\u2014never that I was a tedious toothache of a wife.<\/p>\n

I believed it was going to make my life a whole lot better if he finally got it that he needed to make dinner sometimes, spend more time with me, be more affectionate and make more money.<\/p>\n

I even gave him some tips on how to best do the things I was asking. It was so simple, really.<\/p>\n

I thought, \u201cAll he has to do is what I\u2019m telling him to do.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I kept talking until he seemed like he was getting it and was actually going to do something this time.<\/p>\n

Because the last time we talked, nothing really changed.<\/p>\n

Or the time before that. Or the time before that.<\/p>\n

But since the problems were still with us, the only option I could see was to have another State of the Union talk\u2013\u2013even though they never went very well.<\/p>

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

At all.<\/p>\n

Either my husband didn\u2019t listen, or else he got defensive and made it into an argument. Sometimes there\u2019d be a big fight. I didn\u2019t feel like I was getting anywhere.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s because I wasn\u2019t getting anywhere\u2014definitely nowhere that I wanted to go.<\/p>\n

By that time, the connection between us was not what you\u2019d call deep. In fact, it had usually gone missing completely.<\/p>\n

And my list of things I wanted him to work on? That never got worked on.<\/p>\n

Final Score:
\nHim working on things: 0
\nConnection: -10
\nResults: Lose-lose.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

All we had at the end was wall-to-wall hostility and a looming divorce.<\/p>\n

So why doesn\u2019t talking about your relationship work?<\/p>\n

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Contents<\/p>\n<\/span><\/div>\n