{"id":7251,"date":"2015-10-15T04:00:11","date_gmt":"2015-10-15T11:00:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=7251"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:35:18","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:35:18","slug":"signs-of-an-abusive-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"3 Signs of an Abusive Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Should you stay or should you go?<\/p>\n<p>Most men are good guys. Not perfect, of course&#8211;but it\u2019s safe to marry them, live with them, and have kids with them.<\/p>\n<p>Chances are high that your guy falls into this category.<\/p>\n<p>But there are a small percentage of men who aren\u2019t safe to live with.<\/p>\n<p>And although I\u2019m an advocate for marriage, if you\u2019re married to a man you aren\u2019t safe with, then you are in an abusive relationship. In that case, I would be the first to endorse your divorce.<\/p>\n<p>Fortunately, it\u2019s not hard to figure it out. There are only three red flags to look at, but there are plenty of fake red flags that could throw you off. I\u2019ll explain which ones are real and which ones to ignore.<\/p>\n<p>*CUE RECORD SCRATCH*<\/p>\n<p>UPDATE: When I wrote this blog years ago, that\u2019s what I thought, and the rest of my thinking at that time follows below but I have since been SCHOOLED and found out\u2026<\/p>\n<p>I was wrong.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s what I have learned about how to know when to get divorced, along with my mea culpa:\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-know-when-to-divorce\/\">https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-know-when-to-divorce\/<br \/>\n<\/a><br \/>\nThis newer blog is MUCH more informative.<\/p>\n<p>*MUSIC STARTS PLAYING NORMALLY AGAIN*<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ll break it all down in this blog so you\u2019ll know exactly which category your guy falls into: Either he\u2019s a good guy, or he\u2019s a man you\u2019re not safe with.<\/p>\n<p>Here are the three red flags (and three things you can quit worrying about):<!--more--><\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-1019299178\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-17020\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/#1_Red_Flag_1_Hes_Ever_Hit_Punched_or_Sexually_Assaulted_You_or_Your_Kids\" title=\"Red Flag #1: He\u2019s Ever Hit, Punched or Sexually Assaulted You or Your Kids\">Red Flag #1: He\u2019s Ever Hit, Punched or Sexually Assaulted You or Your Kids<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/#2_1_Red_Flag_You_Can_Ignore_A_Physical_Defender\" title=\"#1 Red Flag You Can Ignore: A Physical Defender\">#1 Red Flag You Can Ignore: A Physical Defender<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/#3_Red_Flag_2_Your_Guy_is_Actively_Addicted_to_Drugs_Alcohol_or_Gambling\" title=\"Red Flag #2: Your Guy is Actively Addicted to Drugs, Alcohol or Gambling\">Red Flag #2: Your Guy is Actively Addicted to Drugs, Alcohol or Gambling<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/#4_2_Red_flag_you_can_ignore_Addiction_to_cigarettes_video_games_food_or_his_phone\" title=\"#2 Red flag you can ignore: Addiction to cigarettes, video games, food or his phone\">#2 Red flag you can ignore: Addiction to cigarettes, video games, food or his phone<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-5\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/#5_Red_Flag_3_Your_Guy_is_Not_Capable_of_Being_Faithful\" title=\"Red Flag #3: Your Guy is Not Capable of Being Faithful\">Red Flag #3: Your Guy is Not Capable of Being Faithful<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-6\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/#6_3_Red_Flag_You_Can_Ignore_He_Watches_Porn\" title=\"#3 Red Flag You Can Ignore: He Watches Porn\">#3 Red Flag You Can Ignore: He Watches Porn<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Red_Flag_1_Hes_Ever_Hit_Punched_or_Sexually_Assaulted_You_or_Your_Kids\"><\/span>1. Red Flag #1: He\u2019s Ever Hit, Punched or Sexually Assaulted You or Your Kids<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Obviously if your man can\u2019t control his impulse to physically attack and harm you or the kids, he\u2019s not safe. But let\u2019s take a look at exactly what that means, and how to know if your guy really falls into that category.<\/p>\n<p>If your guy has hit you, punched you or sexually assaulted you or your kids, you are in a physically abusive relationship. I support you doing what you need to do to make yourself safe.<\/p>\n<p>Another hallmark of a physical abuser is that he has a hard time knowing the difference between a wife or girlfriend and a hostage. He takes your cell phone, won\u2019t let you talk to anyone, or bars the door when you try to leave the room or the house. He doesn\u2019t want you to go anywhere with anyone else.<\/p>\n<p>He may keep you hostage financially. That\u2019s why it\u2019s often so flipping hard to get out of such a relationship. By the time you could make a call, the crisis is over and he\u2019s telling you that you\u2019re overreacting.<\/p>\n<p>The whole thing is crazy-making&#8211;and demoralizing and horrible.<\/p>\n<p>I can\u2019t offer you any hope that it will improve, but I can validate your desire to get out. I don\u2019t want to minimize how hard that can be&#8211;especially if you have kids.<\/p>\n<p>With a physical abuser you\u2019re not safe. He could decide to harm you at any time, and there\u2019s nothing you can do to avoid or prevent it.<\/p>\n<p>A physical abuser gets a release from hurting you and no matter what he says, chances are high that he\u2019ll do it again. You\u2019re living with a ticking time bomb, and it\u2019s terrifying.<\/p>\n<p>No matter how many other good qualities he has, that\u2019s a divorce I endorse.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-3998867857\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_1_Red_Flag_You_Can_Ignore_A_Physical_Defender\"><\/span>2. #1 Red Flag You Can Ignore: A Physical Defender<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>If you initiate physical aggression by pummeling him with your fists, kicking him, shoving him or trying to get something by force, even a good guy will defend himself or restrain you.<\/p>\n<p>This is not a physical abuser but a physical defender. He responds to your physical threat by restraining you&#8211;maybe holding your arms uncomfortably behind your back, or holding you down on the bed&#8211;or pushing or shoving you to keep you away from him.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s why it\u2019s important to separate a physical abuser from a physical defender: All you have to do to be safe with a physical defender is not attack him.<\/p>\n<p>He doesn\u2019t have an irrepressible urge to hurt you, but he will defend himself in kind from your physical threat.<\/p>\n<p>In that situation, you have a good guy. Really.<\/p>\n<p>I get that it\u2019s high-drama, but you can stay and fix that without putting yourself at risk. (The Six Intimacy Skills are a great place to start. they cured me of being a rageaholic).<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Red_Flag_2_Your_Guy_is_Actively_Addicted_to_Drugs_Alcohol_or_Gambling\"><\/span>3. Red Flag #2: Your Guy is Actively Addicted to Drugs, Alcohol or Gambling<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Addicts aren\u2019t a terribly accountable, responsible or reliable bunch. They vanish when you\u2019re counting on them. They call you crazy a lot, or contradict reality. They are hostile, and blame you for things that aren\u2019t your fault.<\/p>\n<p>You might call it <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbal-abuse-in-marriage\/\">verbal, mental or emotional abuse<\/a>, but in a way that\u2019s a distraction from the real issue. (If you wonder whether you\u2019re in a verbally abusive relationship, I have a revealing post about that <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/verbally-abusive-men\/\">here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n<p>Alcoholics, drug addicts and compulsive gamblers will always serve their addiction first, above you or the kids or anyone else. Because of that, you\u2019re not safe, which means you\u2019re in an abusive relationship.<\/p>\n<p>But how can you tell if he\u2019s an everyday drinker or an alcoholic? Is he an occasional pot-smoker or a guy who has to get high? Someone who enjoys slot machines or who really can\u2019t control himself in a casino?<\/p>\n<p>An addict is someone whose substance use or gambling is detrimental to his work, relationships, finances, family or health.<\/p>\n<p>This is not a black-or-white question, granted, but I\u2019ve never yet met a wife who didn\u2019t know the answer in her gut.<\/p>\n<p>You have the answer in your gut too.<\/p>\n<p>One wife worried that because her husband loved to play poker he might be a gambling addict. But since he never spent more on it than he could afford, and it wasn\u2019t a compulsion that made him forget about or neglect his other commitments, he didn\u2019t fit the addict category.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_2_Red_flag_you_can_ignore_Addiction_to_cigarettes_video_games_food_or_his_phone\"><\/span>4. #2 Red flag you can ignore: Addiction to cigarettes, video games, food or his phone<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>All of these habits can be annoying, but in my experience they don\u2019t affect your safety and therefore don\u2019t qualify as a hallmark of an abusive relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Your husband has a vice, but you\u2019re not a victim.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"5_Red_Flag_3_Your_Guy_is_Not_Capable_of_Being_Faithful\"><\/span>5. Red Flag #3: Your Guy is Not Capable of Being Faithful<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>It\u2019s such a painful thing, because these cheaters are often also really charming and tender when they\u2019re with you. It can be glorious to have this man\u2019s undivided attention, but the problem is, you never will have all the attention you deserve. So you become accustomed to settling for crumbs, and you put up with deceit and loneliness. You become insecure. It hurts your spirit, and puts you at risk for diseases.<\/p>\n<p>If that\u2019s not an abusive relationship, what is?<\/p>\n<p>So how do you know if your man is capable of being faithful?<\/p>\n<p>Good news: You already know. You don\u2019t need me to tell you. Every woman I\u2019ve ever worked with whose husband was not capable of being faithful not only knew it, she knew it before she married him.<\/p>\n<p>I was surprised to learn this, but it makes sense.<\/p>\n<p>People tell you who they are. They can\u2019t help it.<\/p>\n<p>They do it right away&#8211;right on a first date or even before&#8211;long before you\u2019re in a relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Here are some of the examples I\u2019ve heard about: One man told his date that he \u201cwasn\u2019t perfect\u201d when it came to being faithful to his ex-wife. Another witnessed her boyfriend hitting on someone else when she came back out of the convenience store.<\/p>\n<p><span class='bctt-click-to-tweet'><span class='bctt-ctt-text'><a href='https:\/\/twitter.com\/intent\/tweet?url=https%3A%2F%2Flauradoyle.org%2Fblog%2F%3Fp%3D7251&#038;text=That%20said%2C%20there%20is%20a%20possibility%20that%20your%20man%20has%20both%20cheated%20on%20you%20AND%20is%20capable%20of%20being%20faithful%20to%20you.&#038;via=lauramdoyle&#038;related=lauramdoyle' target='_blank'rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">That said, there is a possibility that your man has both cheated on you AND is capable of being faithful to you. <\/a><\/span><a href='https:\/\/twitter.com\/intent\/tweet?url=https%3A%2F%2Flauradoyle.org%2Fblog%2F%3Fp%3D7251&#038;text=That%20said%2C%20there%20is%20a%20possibility%20that%20your%20man%20has%20both%20cheated%20on%20you%20AND%20is%20capable%20of%20being%20faithful%20to%20you.&#038;via=lauramdoyle&#038;related=lauramdoyle' target='_blank' class='bctt-ctt-btn'rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Share on X<\/a><\/span> I explain about that <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-had-an-affair-now-what\/\">here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"6_3_Red_Flag_You_Can_Ignore_He_Watches_Porn\"><\/span>6. #3 Red Flag You Can Ignore: He Watches Porn<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>There\u2019s an old joke that 95% of men look at porn and the other 5% lie.<\/p>\n<p>I know it\u2019s not fun to think about your guy looking at other women doing graphic things online. It can bring up feelings of jealousy for sure.<\/p>\n<p>There are all kinds of moral issues with porn, and I\u2019m not dismissing those for a second, but I am saying that catching your guy watching porn does not constitute you being in an abusive relationship. You may not approve, but it\u2019s not up to you&#8211;that\u2019s between him and God.<\/p>\n<p>He\u2019s not cheating on you&#8211;he\u2019s looking at a two-dimensional woman that he\u2019ll never meet. That doesn\u2019t make you unsafe.<\/p>\n<p>Plus you have the advantage over her: You\u2019re three-dimensional, in the flesh right in his bed. You\u2019re the one he chose.<\/p>\n<p>And if porn is the worst problem in your relationship, then I\u2019m happy to tell you that you\u2019ve got a good guy.<\/p>\n<p>Not a perfect man, but one you can have a wonderful relationship with.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Should you stay or should you go? Most men are good guys. Not perfect, of course&#8211;but it\u2019s safe to marry them, live with them, and have kids with them. Chances are high that your guy falls into this category. But there are a small percentage of men who aren\u2019t safe to live with. And although\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7255,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[707],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-7251","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-abuse"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>3 Signs of an Abusive Husband [The Ultimate Red Flags]<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Abuse in a relationship is not always easy to spot. Here are 3 red flags that indicate your partner is abusive and 3 that are probably false alarms.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"3 Signs of an Abusive Husband [The Ultimate Red Flags]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Abuse in a relationship is not always easy to spot. Here are 3 red flags that indicate your partner is abusive and 3 that are probably false alarms.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Laura Doyle Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2015-10-15T11:00:11+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-12-21T06:35:18+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship-ft.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"628\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Laura Doyle\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"headline\":\"3 Signs of an Abusive Relationship\",\"datePublished\":\"2015-10-15T11:00:11+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-12-21T06:35:18+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/\"},\"wordCount\":1540,\"commentCount\":64,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship-ft.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Abuse\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/\",\"name\":\"3 Signs of an Abusive Husband [The Ultimate Red Flags]\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship-ft.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2015-10-15T11:00:11+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-12-21T06:35:18+00:00\",\"description\":\"Abuse in a relationship is not always easy to spot. 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I'm Laura. New York Times Bestselling Author I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that\u2019s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned. I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills\u2122 that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. 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