{"id":7326,"date":"2015-11-19T04:00:08","date_gmt":"2015-11-19T12:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=7326"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:35:15","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:35:15","slug":"marry-someone-else","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/marry-someone-else\/","title":{"rendered":"Would You Be Happier if You Married Someone Else?"},"content":{"rendered":"

John Doyle<\/em><\/p>\n

Recently, Laura and I attended the backyard birthday party of a friend. There were many couples there, most of whom we knew. The evening was unusually humid for Southern California, but there was just enough scattered, light rain to make it refreshing, and we were outside under strings of lights. There was also the promise of a fireworks show from the nearby sports stadium.<\/p>\n

Seated with us at our picnic table were a couple of wives enthusiastically complaining about their husbands, saying things like, \u201cHe never picks up after himself,\u201d \u201cI have to make all the vacation plans–he never does anything,\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s like I have another child instead of a husband,\u201d and other critical things.<\/p>\n

They were making these statements right in front of their stoic husbands, who were not defending themselves.<\/p>\n

Laura suggested to the women that they could get the things they wanted from their husbands by using the Intimacy SkillsTM<\/sup> instead of criticizing them.<\/p>\n

One of the women said, \u201cOf course Laura, it\u2019s easy for you because you\u2019re married to John. I\u2019d feel that way too if I were married to John,\u201d She was speaking as if I\u2019m different from other husbands–and as if the reason for Laura\u2019s and my success in marriage is because I pick up my socks and do the dishes upon command.<\/p>\n

These women who complained about their husbands, while extolling my virtues, were unaware of one thing: they would be treating me the same way if I were married to them.<\/p>\n

They would view me with the same mindset through which they see their own mates, and I would be found equally lacking. They would probably consider me to be inconsiderate, sloppy, and lazy, among other things.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a Regular Guy<\/h3>\n

I have no illusions about myself in this arena. I\u2019m not exceptional, as far as the male side of the species goes. I\u2019m just a regular guy. Those wives don\u2019t live with me day to day like they do with their husbands, and they only see me in social situations when I am at my best, so their opinion of me is somewhat idealized.<\/p>\n

The women\u2019s complaints about their husbands were mercifully interrupted by the start of the fireworks show, and our attention moved away from the unpleasant subject.<\/p>\n

Before I met Laura, I had had other relationships with women who called me inadequate, sloppy, uncool, and several other pejoratives.<\/p>\n

They unfavorably compared me to their male acquaintances, coworkers, ex-boyfriends, and pretty much any male movie star or TV personality who was currently popular.<\/p>\n

I was the same person then that I am now, albeit somewhat less mature and experienced in life. The one thing that\u2019s different?<\/p>

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Here it is: expectations<\/em><\/strong>.<\/em><\/p>\n

Laura expects the best from me, and that outlook colors the culture of our relationship. My self-identity in our marriage is that of being an accomplished, successful husband with a positive attitude. This image is reflected by Laura\u2019s expectations.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s like West Point: you\u2019re expected to be the best because you\u2019re at West Point. And that\u2019s how it is in our marriage.<\/p>\n

For these women at the party, it\u2019s almost like their husbands are strangers to them. They have this mental image of their spouses that doesn\u2019t comport with reality.<\/p>\n

No man is perfect, but these guys are working hard and doing well in their jobs, admired by their employers. They are fathers and providers.<\/p>\n

In return for their efforts, they receive a lack of admiration from their wives, who don\u2019t even see their real husbands.<\/p>\n

If they could really see their husbands, they would see men dedicated to the relationship, who are showing this dedication the best way they know how: working hard for the family, and staying loyal to their spouses.<\/p>\n

If they really saw their husbands, they would appreciate them and be encouraging to them, instead of sniping and insulting.<\/p>\n

In light of the criticism and micro management of the wives at this party, their husbands\u2019 willingness to be of service to their spouses and kids is nothing less than heroic.<\/p>\n

As the fireworks ended and the party carried on, the hosts broke out their karaoke machine.<\/p>\n

The excited partygoers were already lining up to take the microphone and sing. One of the complaining wives was first in line. The song she chose to perform was a rocker by Elizabeth Gilles, titled \u201cYou Don\u2019t Know Me.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

John Doyle Recently, Laura and I attended the backyard birthday party of a friend. There were many couples there, most of whom we knew. The evening was unusually humid for Southern California, but there was just enough scattered, light rain to make it refreshing, and we were outside under strings of lights. There was also\u2026 Read More »<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7328,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[709],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-7326","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-and-separation"],"yoast_head":"\nWould You Be Happier if You Married Someone Else?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Would you be happier married to someone else? 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