<\/span><\/h2>\nHere\u2019s the myth of the passive aggressive partner: You notice your guy is mad at you, but you don\u2019t know why because he doesn\u2019t say. But he\u2019s cranky or stubborn, and you know it\u2019s about you.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s how you know he\u2019s passive aggressive.<\/p>\n
What makes me nuts about this particular myth is that it requires mind-reading.<\/p>\n
Otherwise, how can you KNOW that someone is angry at you unless they say, \u201cI\u2019m mad at you for eating the last piece of lasagna.\u201d<\/p>\n
You might notice that he seems short or snippy, or that he\u2019s snarling at you, sure.<\/p>\n
But how can you know he\u2019s mad at you unless he either tells you or\u2026you make it up?<\/p>\n
And how would it serve you to make up that he\u2019s mad at you just because he\u2019s cranky? Maybe he\u2019s been stuck in traffic, or he\u2019s hungry, or he just quit smoking.<\/p>\n
One woman was sure her boyfriend was mad at her when he told her that he bought her an expensive drink at the bar. She assumed he was passive-aggressively telling her she should pay him back, but when she offered he looked startled.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I bought it for you!\u201d he told her, offended that she was rejecting his gift.<\/p>\n
Turns out, he just wanted her to know he bought her the good stuff.<\/p>\n
Good news:<\/em><\/strong> Your relationship will benefit when you stop trying to read minds.<\/p>\nNo need to figure out what\u2019s up: He knows how to talk and will tell you if something is wrong. Until then, nothing\u2019s wrong. Nothing!<\/p>\n
<\/span>3. Your Problem is He Won\u2019t Open Up About His Feelings<\/span><\/h2>\nThis myth says that in order to be close and feel soul matey, your husband or boyfriend has to open up about how he really feels.<\/p>\n
This, I once believed, was the path to true connection.<\/p>\n
Of course, when I started asking my husband questions about how he felt, what I really wanted to know was, \u201cHow do you feel about me? Do you love me a lot? Like really, really, really? Also, what do you love about me the most?\u201d<\/p>\n
But I didn\u2019t ask him that. Instead of being vulnerable, I put on my junior therapist hat and said things like, \u201cHow did you feel as a child when your dad was angry?\u201d<\/p>\n
Funny thing–my husband wasn\u2019t interested in talking about that. And he never mentioned what he thought about me as a result of those kinds of questions.<\/p>\n
Men don\u2019t even like to talk about their feelings. It\u2019s uncomfortable. So now I don\u2019t ask.<\/p>\n
The University of Toronto did a study where they found out–and I hope you’re sitting down for this–that women are more emotional than men.<\/p>\n
So that was research money well-spent, right?<\/p>\n
But listen, it means that women are emotionally brilliant. That means it’s our job to talk about how WE are feeling–not try to get them to talk about how they’re feeling.<\/p>\n
Good news:<\/em><\/strong> When you bring your authentic feelings to the relationship (instead of asking about his), especially the vulnerable, connecting ones, you\u2019ll be on the fast track to having emotional intimacy.<\/p>\n<\/span>4. Your Problem is That You Need to Set Boundaries<\/span><\/h2>\nThis myth says that in order to have a healthy romantic relationship, you have to have appropriate boundaries–just like a country.<\/p>\n
The problem is that this only seems like a good idea when you\u2019re feeling hurt and angry with your man. And at that point the \u201cboundaries\u201d come out like, \u201cFine! You can make your own dinner then!\u201d<\/p>\n
Or, boundaries are about setting up the rules always and forever, like, \u201cFrom now on, I will not be including your pants when I do the laundry because you left a pen in your pocket.\u201d<\/p>\n
In other words, they\u2019re not so much about saying here\u2019s where I end and you begin–they\u2019re more like not-so-subtle ways to tell him he should go to hell.<\/p>\n
They\u2019re not that great for intimacy, in my experience. That kind of boundary will leave you lonely.<\/p>\n
Acknowledging you\u2019re at your limit on energy or patience, on the other hand–as in, \u201cI can\u2019t do anymore laundry tonight, I\u2019m going to bed,\u201d or, \u201cI can\u2019t make dinner tonight,\u201d can be very conducive to intimacy.<\/p>\n
Good news:<\/em><\/strong> Of course, as a mere mortal woman, you\u2019re going to have limits to your energy and how long you can go without chocolate, for example, and it\u2019s always a good idea to acknowledge those limits.<\/p>\nBut vulnerability is going to serve the intimacy far more than telling him where to stick it when you\u2019re hurt or angry.<\/p>\n
<\/span>5. Your Problem is That You\u2019ve Grown Apart<\/span><\/h2>\nThis was one of my favorite myths because I believed it explained how I could have married so far below me, when I thought my husband was a loser-pants.<\/p>\n
It was simple: I grew and he didn\u2019t. We\u2019d grown apart.<\/p>\n
But looking back, I just had a superiority complex.<\/p>\n
I thought I was much more spiritually evolved than he was\u2026which was not very spiritually evolved of me.<\/p>\n
This myth says that you have to have certain things in common to stay connected, but that\u2019s just not so.<\/p>\n