{"id":8077,"date":"2016-08-25T04:00:54","date_gmt":"2016-08-25T11:00:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=8077"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:55","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:55","slug":"marriage-and-finances","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/marriage-and-finances\/","title":{"rendered":"Marriage and Finances"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>If only getting married made your finances as cinchy as economists make it seem like they\u2019re gonna be.<\/p>\n<p>Sharing the rent or mortgage, the grocery bills and utilities saves so much money, there should be less financial strain on you both&#8211;not more.<\/p>\n<p>And study after study shows that married couples are at the top of the financial heap for net worth and earning.<\/p>\n<p>But even though we have more than our unmarried counterparts, somehow husbands and wives fight about money more than anything else.<\/p>\n<p>My husband and I contributed to that miserable statistic for years.<\/p>\n<p>Fighting about money is not conducive to intimacy, and it wasn\u2019t helpful for our prosperity, either.<\/p>\n<p>Thankfully, I finally learned what I\u2019m about to share with you, and we haven\u2019t had a fight about money at the Doyle house in many years.<\/p>\n<p>Here are 4 simple ways we got closer and richer as a couple:<!--more--><\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/marriage-and-finances\/#1_I_focused_on_what_we_had_not_what_we_didnt_have\" title=\"I focused on what we had (not what we didn\u2019t have)\">I focused on what we had (not what we didn\u2019t have)<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/marriage-and-finances\/#2_I_spent_frivolous_money_on_myself\" title=\"I spent frivolous money on myself\">I spent frivolous money on myself<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/marriage-and-finances\/#3_I_joined_with_him_financially\" title=\"I joined with him financially\">I joined with him financially<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/marriage-and-finances\/#4_I_gave_my_husband_financial_authority\" title=\"I gave my husband financial authority\">I gave my husband financial authority<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_I_focused_on_what_we_had_not_what_we_didnt_have\"><\/span>1. I focused on what we had (not what we didn\u2019t have)<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>You might be rolling your eyes right about now and thinking that it must be pretty easy for us to be lovey-dovey when it comes to money because we\u2019re rich.<\/p>\n<p>I agree that we are very rich.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, rich is a subjective term, but I like to say I\u2019m rich every chance I get because I know that what I focus on increases.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve even been training my teenage niece along those lines because it\u2019s been so valuable for me to learn to affirm my wealth instead of affirming lack.<\/p>\n<p>When I take her to lunch, we have a ritual where she calculates the tip and I suggest we round it up to the nearest dollar. Then I ask, \u201cAnd why do we do that?\u201d And she responds, \u201cBecause we\u2019re so rich!\u201d<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-911844198\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-17020\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Then we both smile.<\/p>\n<p>What does that have to do with financial intimacy in marriage?<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s an example of the practice that leads to having enough\u2014the habit of focusing on what I have, how rich I am.<\/p>\n<p>Before I learned to do that, I was in the unhappy habit of focusing on what I didn\u2019t have and feeling resentful about it.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019d be mad at my husband and look at the ways that he was causing me not to have the things that I lacked by not making enough and spending too much.<\/p>\n<p>Then I would tell him so, and we fought about that quite a bit.<\/p>\n<p>I caused a lot of NET (Needless Emotional Turmoil) because I was afraid. I was in the habit of choosing my fear over my faith in those moments.<\/p>\n<p>Today, I know what to do when the fear hits: drop and do 10 gratitudes\u2014meaning make a list of the things I\u2019m grateful I have.<\/p>\n<p>And breathe.<\/p>\n<p>Ahhhh. That\u2019s better.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-2591536473\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_I_spent_frivolous_money_on_myself\"><\/span>2. I spent frivolous money on myself<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>One of the reasons I was so quick to get resentful about what my husband was spending or how he wasn\u2019t making enough is because I couldn\u2019t bring myself to spend money on the things I wanted.<\/p>\n<p>I talked myself out of them because they weren\u2019t necessary. I told myself I could get by with what I had and other dreary, martyrish things.<\/p>\n<p>My thinking was that if I had to sacrifice like that, then so did my husband.<\/p>\n<p>I would tell him so.<\/p>\n<p>You can imagine his excitement about that idea.<\/p>\n<p>No wonder I was focused on how much we didn\u2019t have. I couldn\u2019t let myself buy any of it!<\/p>\n<p>It was many years ago, but I still remember the utter thrill and discomfort I felt when I first hired someone to clean our house.<\/p>\n<p>It wasn\u2019t a reasonable financial decision, given all the debt we had and the savings we didn\u2019t have. That was the terrifying part.<\/p>\n<p>I was pretty sure I should have just sucked it up and cleaned the house myself. It seemed like it was supposed to be my job.<\/p>\n<p>But it made me feel like the richest woman in the world to have a clean house without having to scrub the toilet or dust the bookshelves myself.<\/p>\n<p>It wasn\u2019t easy, but I chose my faith over my fear in spending what little money we had at that time on the housekeeper, and I was amazed to learn just how much romance there is in a house with clean toilets and dusted bookshelves.<\/p>\n<p>I also discovered that feeling rich and being rich are the same thing.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_I_joined_with_him_financially\"><\/span>3. I joined with him financially<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>One man told me that the benefit of keeping separate accounts when you\u2019re married is so you can buy a present for the other person without them knowing how much you spent, or having it come out of their own bank account.<\/p>\n<p>I can see why he feels that way, but for me, wanting to have separate bank accounts was more about fear that I couldn\u2019t rely on my husband.<\/p>\n<p>I wanted to be able to put my hands on money in case I needed something important\u2026like a divorce lawyer.<\/p>\n<p>In other words, I wasn\u2019t all in. I was sitting on a pointy, uncomfortable fence.<\/p>\n<p>And my husband knew that I didn\u2019t trust him. And that made him feel bad.<\/p>\n<p>Who wouldn\u2019t, right?<\/p>\n<p>Feeling that your wife doesn\u2019t trust you is not great for your self-worth.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not good for your net worth either.<\/p>\n<p>I wanted to have faith.<\/p>\n<p>But faith without action is dead.<\/p>\n<p>When I finally became willing to join with him financially (no hold-out accounts or credit cards), our intimacy and our bank account both grew.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_I_gave_my_husband_financial_authority\"><\/span>4. I gave my husband financial authority<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Speaking of not trusting my husband, I also was sure I was smarter than he was with money.<\/p>\n<p>I didn\u2019t think he could handle all the juggling that had to be done with the bills, especially since there never seemed to enough, and it took all kinds of scheming to keep the wolf away from the door.<\/p>\n<p>But I was also exhausted with trying to do it myself, and he never seemed to be paying attention when I was telling him about how I\u2019d paid half of the electric bill so I could make a minimum payment on a credit card.<\/p>\n<p>Of course he wasn\u2019t listening. Who would? I was just monologuing and not asking for his input.<\/p>\n<p>It wasn\u2019t until I handed over the finances and acted like I had faith that he could handle them that he started giving the situation his best thinking.<\/p>\n<p>And his best thinking led to significant financial abundance that we hadn\u2019t experienced before.<\/p>\n<p>He started his own business.<\/p>\n<p>Our income more than doubled.<\/p>\n<p>And I got to stop worrying about him ordering something too expensive on the menu when we went out.<\/p>\n<p>That was an embarrassing habit of mine when I was juggling the bills, and it was not conducive to intimacy.<\/p>\n<p>Letting my husband pay the bill when we went out without worrying about how much it cost was just what we did when we first fell in love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If only getting married made your finances as cinchy as economists make it seem like they\u2019re gonna be. Sharing the rent or mortgage, the grocery bills and utilities saves so much money, there should be less financial strain on you both&#8211;not more. And study after study shows that married couples are at the top of\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/marriage-and-finances\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8078,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[712],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-8077","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-finance-in-marriage"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Marriage and Finances<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What I Learned about Financial Intimacy When We Were Broke. Here are the 4 simple ways we got closer, richer and stopped fighting about money for good.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/marriage-and-finances\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Marriage and Finances\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"What I Learned about Financial Intimacy When We Were Broke. 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I'm Laura. New York Times Bestselling Author I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that\u2019s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned. I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills\u2122 that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. 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