{"id":8122,"date":"2016-09-29T04:00:28","date_gmt":"2016-09-29T11:00:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=8122"},"modified":"2024-02-20T08:28:42","modified_gmt":"2024-02-20T16:28:42","slug":"my-husband-doesnt-love-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-love-me\/","title":{"rendered":"My Husband Doesn&#8217;t Love Me"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>When your husband says the words, \u201cI don\u2019t love you,\u201d the hurt comes in waves.<\/p>\n<p>First, there\u2019s shock and bewilderment.<\/p>\n<p>Your mind races with questions. <em>How did this happen? How long has he felt this way?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Then there\u2019s terror. <em>What does this mean for our future? For our marriage? For our kids?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Then there\u2019s deep, deep hurt.<\/p>\n<p>He doesn\u2019t love you. Does it mean you\u2019re unlovable?<\/p>\n<p>Making that immense pain stop becomes your priority.<\/p>\n<p>You likely feel the urge to protect yourself by being aloof or telling him what his shortcomings are. It\u2019s just human.<\/p>\n<p>Flinging some hurtful arrows his way seems not only justified but necessary.<\/p>\n<p>But the words, \u201cI don\u2019t love you,\u201d are a breakdown, alright. But depending on how you respond to them, they might just be\u00a0 the breakdown before the breakthrough, as they have been for so many women who practice <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">the 6 Intimacy Skills<sup>\u2122<\/sup><\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>It might just be the gateway to a marriage, where you feel as loved and connected as you did when you were a new couple.<\/p>\n<p>And you can have all of that with the guy who just said he doesn\u2019t love you or is acting like he doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p>Here are 3 secrets for getting from here to there:<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-2650563568\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-17020\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-love-me\/#1_What_Hes_Really_Saying_is_I_Dont_Feel_Respected_I_Havent_for_a_Long_Time\" title=\"What He\u2019s Really Saying is, \u201cI Don\u2019t Feel Respected. I Haven\u2019t for a Long Time.\u201d\">What He\u2019s Really Saying is, \u201cI Don\u2019t Feel Respected. I Haven\u2019t for a Long Time.\u201d<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-love-me\/#2_Hes_Not_Saying_it_to_Punish_or_Hurt_You\" title=\"He\u2019s Not Saying it to Punish or Hurt You\">He\u2019s Not Saying it to Punish or Hurt You<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-love-me\/#3_Respect_is_a_Decision_Just_Like_Love\" title=\"Respect is a Decision, Just Like Love\">Respect is a Decision, Just Like Love<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_What_Hes_Really_Saying_is_I_Dont_Feel_Respected_I_Havent_for_a_Long_Time\"><\/span>1. What He\u2019s Really Saying is, \u201cI Don\u2019t Feel Respected. I Haven\u2019t for a Long Time.\u201d<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15910\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/respect-in-marriage-1.jpg\" alt=\"Respect in Marriage\" width=\"1080\" height=\"454\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/respect-in-marriage-1.jpg 1080w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/respect-in-marriage-1-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/respect-in-marriage-1-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/respect-in-marriage-1-768x323.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1080px) 100vw, 1080px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>I know he\u2019s saying he doesn\u2019t love you, but it\u2019s not true. He does love you.<\/p>\n<p>When he committed to you for life above all others, it was because he was crazy about you, and that doesn\u2019t just stop. But it can definitely be obscured when he has been without oxygen for a long time.<\/p>\n<p>And when I say oxygen, I mean respect.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re anything like I was when my marriage was falling apart, you know respect is important in marriage, and you feel you have been respectful, so it\u2019s confusing to hear that he doesn\u2019t feel respected.<\/p>\n<p>The problem is, if you try to reason with him or point out that he\u2019s not being rational, he will feel further <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/disrespect-in-marriage\/\">disrespected<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s like slapping his back when he\u2019s badly sunburned.<\/p>\n<p>If you beg and cry, that\u2019s a reminder of a huge pain point: he hasn\u2019t felt like he could make you happy. Here you are, crying some more, driving that point home.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019ve probably already tried both of those responses.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s okay. That\u2019s just human. You didn\u2019t know he had a terrible sunburn.<\/p>\n<p>But you\u2019ll want to stop slapping him on the back as soon as you can and instead learn what respect looks like to him and treat him that way.<\/p>\n<p>No one ever showed you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.imom.com\/the-five-respect-needs-of-men\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">what respect looks like<\/a> before, so how were you supposed to know?<\/p>\n<p>But that ends today, right now.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-3649244004\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Hes_Not_Saying_it_to_Punish_or_Hurt_You\"><\/span>2. He\u2019s Not Saying it to Punish or Hurt You<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15914\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/what-to-do-when-your-husband-stops-loving-you.jpg\" alt=\"What to do when your husband stops love you\" width=\"1080\" height=\"454\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/what-to-do-when-your-husband-stops-loving-you.jpg 1080w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/what-to-do-when-your-husband-stops-loving-you-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/what-to-do-when-your-husband-stops-loving-you-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/what-to-do-when-your-husband-stops-loving-you-768x323.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1080px) 100vw, 1080px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>When your husband says something as hurtful as, \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-get-your-husband-to-love-you-again\/\">I don\u2019t love you<\/a>,\u201d it\u2019s tempting to think that he\u2019s purposely being a mean jerk. It\u2019s human nature to personalize it and make it about you.<\/p>\n<p>But that\u2019s simply not what\u2019s happening.<\/p>\n<p>Of course it hurts, I get that. It feels awful.<\/p>\n<p>But consider that if someone cuts you off in traffic, that\u2019s also upsetting. It can make you angry. You might think the driver is also a mean jerk.<\/p>\n<p>But that driver isn\u2019t trying to hurt you at all. He just forgot to check his blind spot or was about to miss the exit.<\/p>\n<p>He had no intention of punishing you. He didn\u2019t plot to get up in the morning and be at that spot where you were so he could make you slam on the breaks.<\/p>\n<p>Granted, a conversation about love between a husband and wife is much more personal.<\/p>\n<p>But in some ways it\u2019s no different. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.theswaddle.com\/the-psychology-behind-saying-hurtful-things-we-dont-mean\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">He\u2019s just hurting<\/a> and trying to get what he needs\u2014not trying to get you to suffer.<\/p>\n<p>He\u2019s not his best self right now. People need love the most when they deserve it the least.<\/p>\n<p>He\u2019s sounding the alarm that something is very wrong. He\u2019s telling you there\u2019s a big breakdown.<\/p>\n<p>Instead of hearing there\u2019s something wrong with you, or something wrong with him, consider just hearing that there\u2019s an urgent situation that needs to be addressed.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s going to take your best efforts to solve it, but it is solvable.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s what you need to know to solve it\u2026<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Respect_is_a_Decision_Just_Like_Love\"><\/span>3. Respect is a Decision, Just Like Love<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-15913\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/husband-said-he-doesnt-love-me.jpg\" alt=\"Husband said he doesn't love me\" width=\"1080\" height=\"454\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/husband-said-he-doesnt-love-me.jpg 1080w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/husband-said-he-doesnt-love-me-150x63.jpg 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/husband-said-he-doesnt-love-me-480x202.jpg 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/husband-said-he-doesnt-love-me-768x323.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1080px) 100vw, 1080px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>I used to think of <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/respect-in-marriage\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">respect<\/a> as something that was earned, and after seeing my husband screw up a number of times, I just didn\u2019t see how I could be respectful!<\/p>\n<p>But if you flip that around and think about your husband withdrawing his love because you weren\u2019t perfect, it sounds pretty unreasonable and harsh.<\/p>\n<p>Just as you want to be loved even if you overspend or gain weight\u2014because you are still lovable, of course\u2013you could decide to treat your husband respectfully even if he doesn\u2019t seem to deserve it.<\/p>\n<p>When you do treat him respectfully, it\u2019s going to feel very strange if you\u2019ve been out of the habit. At least, it did for me.<\/p>\n<p>It felt scary and false.<\/p>\n<p>But it was like a miracle cure for all that was ailing in my marriage. I see that happen for the women I work with, too.<\/p>\n<p>It might take a little while to get the hang of what respect looks like, and it might take a little while for him to get the memo that he\u2019s safe with you\u2014that he can get oxygen when he\u2019s with you.<\/p>\n<p>Of all the things you could do to fix this, to put your family right, learning how to expect the best from him, not the worst, is high on the list. That might sound ridiculous since<a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-tell-someone-they-hurt-you\/\"><em> he<\/em> just hurt <em>you<\/em><\/a> in the worst way. I thought so too.<\/p>\n<p>But I was surprised to find out just how much what I didn\u2019t know about respect was hurting me. It was also hurting him, which hurt us.<\/p>\n<p>And it felt good to be able to take action, to have something specific to learn and do so that I wasn\u2019t just fretting and trying to get him to start loving me again, which never worked.<\/p>\n<p>I was surprised to find out that being respectful felt so much better to <em>me<\/em>. And it helped restore the playfulness and passion we\u2019d had before the breakdown.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not too late when he says he doesn\u2019t love you. It\u2019s not hopeless.<\/p>\n<p>If anything, I see marriages turn around from this painful conversation so often that I think of it as the beginning of the breakthrough.<\/p>\n<p>You can choose how the story ends.<\/p>\n<p>You may think it\u2019s up to him, that you don\u2019t have the power, and it\u2019s true you can\u2019t control what he\u2019s going to do.<\/p>\n<p>But you have more power than you think because when you restore the respect, his feelings of love re-emerge too, as strong as ever.<\/p>\n<p>Crisis and opportunity travel together. His hurtful words are opportunity knocking, telling you there\u2019s a chance to grow and be happier.<\/p>\n<p>How will you answer?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When your husband says the words, \u201cI don\u2019t love you,\u201d the hurt comes in waves. First, there\u2019s shock and bewilderment. Your mind races with questions. How did this happen? How long has he felt this way? Then there\u2019s terror. What does this mean for our future? For our marriage? For our kids? Then there\u2019s deep,\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-love-me\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15809,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[714],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-8122","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-and-relationships"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>My Husband Doesn&#039;t Love Me [Here&#039;s what to do]<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"He says he doesn\u2019t love you, but does he mean it? 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