{"id":8130,"date":"2016-10-06T04:00:30","date_gmt":"2016-10-06T11:00:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=8130"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:53","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:53","slug":"how-to-stop-being-insecure","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Stop Being Insecure"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Struggling in your love life robs you of confidence.<\/p>\n<p>Whether you\u2019re single and wish you were happily coupled, or you\u2019re in a relationship that\u2019s hurting, you start to wonder if you\u2019re defective.<\/p>\n<p>You torture yourself with comparisons to other women who are younger, thinner or shapelier. You may even attack yourself and your looks with harsh criticism.<\/p>\n<p>You fear that you\u2019re never going to be loved the way you want to be, or be able to shut off the fears in your head about how love is a competition that you\u2019re losing.<\/p>\n<p>Self-doubt creeps in and camps out in your head.<\/p>\n<p>Whether you\u2019ve been cheated on or fear you will be, that insecurity is like a compulsion that\u2019s hard to shake, especially when other people tell you to, \u201cJust believe in yourself!\u201d or, \u201cBelieve you\u2019re worth it!\u201d or, \u201cJust be yourself!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>How in the world do you do that, anyway?<\/p>\n<p>Here are 6 specific ways to become secure and confident.<!--more--><\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/#1_Choose_The_Outcome_You_Want\" title=\"Choose The Outcome You Want\">Choose The Outcome You Want<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/#2_Master_Something_You_Love\" title=\"Master Something You Love\">Master Something You Love<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/#3_Ask_Yourself_These_Questions\" title=\"Ask Yourself These Questions\">Ask Yourself These Questions<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/#4_Receive_Gifts_Compliments_and_Help\" title=\"Receive Gifts, Compliments and Help\">Receive Gifts, Compliments and Help<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-5\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/#5_Know_Your_Limits\" title=\"Know Your Limits\">Know Your Limits<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-6\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/#6_Speak_to_Yourself_Like_You_Speak_to_Your_Friend\" title=\"Speak to Yourself Like You Speak to Your Friend\">Speak to Yourself Like You Speak to Your Friend<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Choose_The_Outcome_You_Want\"><\/span>1. Choose The Outcome You Want<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Focusing on the words that describe what I want instead of what I don\u2019t want has improved my feeling of inner strength immeasurably.<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s take the name of this blog as an example.<\/p>\n<p>So many women have written to me asking how they can \u201cstop feeling insecure\u201d that I wanted to write on that topic.<\/p>\n<p>But this blog\u2019s title doesn\u2019t sit well with me because \u201cStop Being Insecure\u201d is focusing on insecurity, which is not what anybody wants.<\/p>\n<p>What we all want is to feel more secure. So a much better title would be, \u201cHow to Be Secure and Confident,\u201d for example.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-2194887529\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>See the difference?<\/p>\n<p>Saying to yourself, \u201cI don\u2019t want him to cheat on me,\u201d is focusing on what you don\u2019t want. What you focus on increases. Saying, \u201cI want to be trusting,\u201d is focusing on what you want.<\/p>\n<p>Wanting to make sure the kids don\u2019t hurt themselves becomes wanting the kids to be safe and healthy.<\/p>\n<p>Not wanting to gain weight becomes wanting to stay fit.<\/p>\n<p>You get the idea.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-553200355\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Master_Something_You_Love\"><\/span>2. Master Something You Love<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Marie\u2019s husband had an affair and told her he was leaving her.<\/p>\n<p>Her worst fear came to life.<\/p>\n<p>Instead of resigning herself to a divorce, she committed to becoming her best, happiest self, including doing things she loved to make herself happy.<\/p>\n<p>That meant getting out her paints and easel again. It meant exhibiting her paintings. It meant putting herself up for critique and feedback so she could improve.<\/p>\n<p>Marie described it as massive self-care that brought her both joy and a sense of mastery. That gave her inner strength.<\/p>\n<p>Painting occupied her mind with brush techniques and color combinations instead of self-pity and fear of the future.<\/p>\n<p>Being good at something gives you confidence.<\/p>\n<p>The impact on her relationship was that her confidence showed, which made her more attractive&#8211;and her husband noticed. Some of their first communication after he left was him wishing her well on her exhibits, then coming to see her art for himself.<\/p>\n<p>That was the beginning of their reconciliation&#8211;all because she was painting again and feeling good about it.<\/p>\n<p>Instead of telling yourself to stop being a certain way, taking small steps toward becoming good at something you love gives you a happy distraction to focus on.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Ask_Yourself_These_Questions\"><\/span>3. Ask Yourself These Questions<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>One of the hallmarks of insecurity is wondering what someone else thinks of you&#8211;whether he likes you or thinks you\u2019re fat or that you just said something stupid.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, we all do that at times.<\/p>\n<p>But here\u2019s what confident people do that\u2019s completely different: instead of wondering what someone else is thinking, they ask questions about themselves.<\/p>\n<p>My favorite two questions to ask myself are, \u201cHow do I feel?\u201d and, \u201cWhat do I want?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So let\u2019s say you\u2019ve started wondering if someone is getting irritated with you or is upset about something you did, as often happens when you\u2019re feeling insecure.<\/p>\n<p>In the moment you find yourself wondering what someone else is wanting or feeling, turn your attention to yourself and inquire there instead.<\/p>\n<p>One woman was tired of trying to get her husband to snap out of his bad mood. It never worked, anyway.<\/p>\n<p>So when he came home grumpy again, she asked herself how she felt and what she wanted, and wandered off to the backyard to do some gardening, leaving him to grumble to himself.<\/p>\n<p>She was singing to herself when, much to her surprise, her husband came out to join her with his gardening gloves.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_Receive_Gifts_Compliments_and_Help\"><\/span>4. Receive Gifts, Compliments and Help<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>I explain all about receiving <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-be-feminine\/\">here<\/a>, and it\u2019s the fastest way I know to become more confident and self-assured, as well as 10X more attractive.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s simple, but can be challenging to do. With practice, it gets easier and even habit-forming.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"5_Know_Your_Limits\"><\/span>5. Know Your Limits<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Growing up, I learned that nice people were loved, and that the way to be a nice person was to do things for others.<\/p>\n<p>The more I did things for others, the more they would love me, was my understanding.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, that didn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n<p>For one thing, I was already loveable before I did anything for anybody. I overlooked that reality in my search for ways to make sure I had earned enough points to avoid being abandoned.<\/p>\n<p>Another reason it didn\u2019t make me loveable is that I quickly got overwhelmed and resentful of the very people I wanted love from.<\/p>\n<p>I would crash full-speed into my own energy limits in the process, still paddling as hard as could and end up hating pretty much everybody.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019d be full of rage, acting horribly to loved ones and unlucky bank tellers I didn\u2019t even know.<\/p>\n<p>Then, after behaving so badly, I\u2019d feel terrified that I\u2019d be abandoned and alone.<\/p>\n<p>After all, who would want to live with someone who flips her lid like that?<\/p>\n<p>It was awful.<\/p>\n<p>Fortunately, I don\u2019t do that anymore. Phew!<\/p>\n<p>I describe how I permanently cured my rageoholism <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/anger-management-for-women\/\">here<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>The phrase that\u2019s helped me not get overwhelmed and therefore resentful&#8211;and therefore, rageful&#8211;is, \u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It sounded strange at first because it seemed like the opposite of what I was encouraged to say growing up. The mantra I learned was, \u201cI can do anything!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Which may be true, but only until I\u2019m tired or overwhelmed. Then, I can\u2019t do much of anything and still be pleasant, which I value.<\/p>\n<p>Just knowing I can say, \u201cI can\u2019t,\u201d when someone wants me to work a little harder, stay later, drive further or get up earlier has added so much to my confidence because it helps me keep my cool and my dignity.<\/p>\n<p>Being dignified sure makes me feel secure. It\u2019s much more attractive to be around myself.<\/p>\n<p>I love myself more, and isn\u2019t that what we always hear self-confidence is about\u2014loving yourself?<\/p>\n<p>To be more confident, consider using the phrase, \u201cI can\u2019t,\u201d next time you know you\u2019re about to get stretched beyond your limits.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"6_Speak_to_Yourself_Like_You_Speak_to_Your_Friend\"><\/span>6. Speak to Yourself Like You Speak to Your Friend<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>There\u2019s an expression that it\u2019s better to have 100 enemies outside the tent than one inside the tent.<\/p>\n<p>When you start belittling and criticizing yourself, you become the enemy in your own tent.<\/p>\n<p>If you start to notice harsh comments for yourself rattling around in your head, ask yourself if it\u2019s something you would say to a friend.<\/p>\n<p>Would you call your friend an idiot? Would you tell her that her outfit is a mess? Would you tell her she blew it and never gets things right? Or even that she\u2019s clumsy?<\/p>\n<p>Of course not.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re a nice person, and that would be unkind. All that harshness would make your friend feel bad. You wouldn\u2019t want her to feel bad.<\/p>\n<p>It makes you feel pretty bad, too, if you\u2019re talking to yourself that way.<\/p>\n<p>Therefore, consider giving yourself the same kindness you would give a friend.<\/p>\n<p>Picture your BFF and imagine yourself saying to her the critical things you\u2019re saying to yourself.<\/p>\n<p>If your self-talk doesn\u2019t pass the \u201cfriend test,\u201d consider re-wording the message to yourself so that it does match your standards for her.<\/p>\n<p>Say what you mean, but don\u2019t say it mean&#8211;even to yourself.<\/p>\n<p>Because a confident person is more likely to talk herself up than to cut herself down.<\/p>\n<p>And just making that\u2019s one of your habits is likely to make you feel so much more secure.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Struggling in your love life robs you of confidence. Whether you\u2019re single and wish you were happily coupled, or you\u2019re in a relationship that\u2019s hurting, you start to wonder if you\u2019re defective. You torture yourself with comparisons to other women who are younger, thinner or shapelier. You may even attack yourself and your looks with\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8133,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[710],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-8130","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-emotional-intimacy"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Stop Being Insecure [6 Steps to Become Secure]<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Insecurities - we all have them. Shed your shyness! 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I share 6 important secrets you can start using right now to become confident.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Laura Doyle Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-10-06T11:00:30+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-12-21T06:34:53+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/how-to-stop-being-insecure.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"628\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Laura Doyle\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"headline\":\"How to Stop Being Insecure\",\"datePublished\":\"2016-10-06T11:00:30+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-12-21T06:34:53+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/\"},\"wordCount\":1446,\"commentCount\":16,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/how-to-stop-being-insecure.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Emotional Intimacy\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/\",\"name\":\"How to Stop Being Insecure [6 Steps to Become Secure]\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-insecure\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/how-to-stop-being-insecure.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2016-10-06T11:00:30+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-12-21T06:34:53+00:00\",\"description\":\"Insecurities - we all have them. 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