{"id":8140,"date":"2016-10-13T04:00:47","date_gmt":"2016-10-13T11:00:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=8140"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:53","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:53","slug":"mom-acts-like-3-year-old","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/mom-acts-like-3-year-old\/","title":{"rendered":"Mom Acts Like 3-Year-Old and Gets What She Wants"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><em>Stefanie, Laura Doyle Certified Coach<\/em><\/p>\n<p>I love eavesdropping on my three year old and his cousin. She\u2019s four, so naturally, she assumes a position of superiority. Here\u2019s one of their conversations:<\/p>\n<p>4 year old: \u201cYou have to do whatever I say, okay?\u201d<br \/>\n3 year old: \u201cBut I don\u2019t want to!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>[Copious screaming ensues.]<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t blame him. That\u2019s exactly how I feel when someone tells me what to do.<\/p>\n<p>For example, my mother innocently suggested that I drive safely as I was leaving the house with my toddler. Now, I didn\u2019t take to the streets like Evel Knievel, but I did notice a little demon prodding me to drive however I darn well pleased. <!--more--><\/p>\n<p>Another mother in the family (notice a pattern?) \u201casked\u201d me five times to hold the mail while I was packing for a trip.<\/p>\n<p>The hold-mail form got submitted none the quicker, as my demon fumed that I should put it off until I darn well pleased.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe I\u2019m just a defiant girl. In most regards, however, I\u2019m quite the rule follower.<\/p>\n<p>I read the instructions.<\/p>\n<p>I file my taxes with cash-register honesty.<\/p>\n<p>I obey traffic laws (well, most of them).<\/p>\n<p>Perhaps others enjoy taking orders. Unfortunately, my husband is not among them.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-308676955\"><p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<!--HubSpot Call-to-Action Code --><span class=\"hs-cta-wrapper\" id=\"hs-cta-wrapper-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><span class=\"hs-cta-node hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" id=\"hs-cta-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\"><!--[if lte IE 8]>\n\n<div id=\"hs-cta-ie-element\"><\/div>\n\n<![endif]--><a href=\"https:\/\/cta-redirect.hubspot.com\/cta\/redirect\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" ><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"hs-cta-img\" id=\"hs-cta-img-72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969\" style=\"border-width:0px;\" src=\"https:\/\/no-cache.hubspot.com\/cta\/default\/21708589\/72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969.png\"  alt=\"Free Webinar\"\/><\/a><\/span><script charset=\"utf-8\" src=\"https:\/\/js.hscta.net\/cta\/current.js\"><\/script><script type=\"text\/javascript\"> hbspt.cta.load(21708589, '72e5b617-d76c-41d0-9b4d-efd92801e969', {\"useNewLoader\":\"true\",\"region\":\"na1\"}); <\/script><\/span><!-- end HubSpot Call-to-Action Code -->\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>If only he would do things the right way (i.e., my way), I used to think, then our marriage would be great!<\/p>\n<p>The more I insisted on the \u201cright\u201d way for my husband to eat, heed recycling guidelines, discipline the children, cook for me, put his shoes away, fix the pipes, argue with me (can I stop now?), the more my husband seemed to have a demon, too.<\/p>\n<p>The nerve of him doing things his way! Most days, I figured he was incompetent; on good days, I was just smarter than him. I got so frustrated by his inability to carry out simple tasks that I decided to do everything myself\u2014then resent him for it.<\/p>\n<p>The turning point came when I learned three magic words from Laura Doyle: \u201cWhatever you think.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ironically, when I quit telling him what to do and how to do it, he seemed keenly interested in my way. He asked me questions to the tune of our old dance: \u201cWhat pan should I use?\u201d \u201cHow much should I tip?\u201d \u201cWhat should I eat?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I didn\u2019t have to think too hard to figure things out for him because these questions were now easy to answer: \u201cWhatever you think!\u201d \u201cWhatever you think!\u201d \u201cWhatever you think!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Lest I sound like a broken record, my man does ask me questions besides just the ones that summon the ghost of my controlling past.<\/p>\n<p>When he asks something that actually concerns me, such as what I want to do, I tell him.<\/p>\n<p>I had no idea there existed such an effective system for getting what I want: saying what I want!<\/p>\n<p>I love how easy my three-year-old makes it look. He pauses to consider his choices, then proclaims, \u201cI want this marker. I don\u2019t want this one.\u201d Unwaveringly. Unapologetically.<\/p>\n<p>In my experience, however, following his example is easier said than done, especially since I had the \u201cI want\u201d trained out of me as a child. It was rude to say those words, maybe even to think them. The safest route to being a good girl was self-denial, or not wanting anything at all. When the wants got squashed down, without anywhere to go, they started to come out sideways.<\/p>\n<p>So, I\u2019d politely hint&#8211;or just expect my husband to read my mind, then feel out of sorts when he didn\u2019t know how to please me, even though half the time I didn\u2019t know what I wanted myself!<\/p>\n<p>Now that I\u2019ve learned to express my desires and stay on my side of the street, it does drive him crazy sometimes. He\u2019ll come to me with two shirts in his hands and an earnest look on his face, asking me which to wear. (You guessed it: \u201cWhatever you think!\u201d)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, I really want your opinion,\u201d he bellows.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI trust you to make that decision,\u201d I confirm.<\/p>\n<p>For many women I work with, this is going too far. \u201cYeah, but he asked you,\u201d they object.<\/p>\n<p>Yeah, but I spent enough years telling him what to wear, buying him wife-approved clothing, and hiding clothes I didn\u2019t like. (Okay, I admit my demon buried his polyester golf shirts in the bottom of the pile, even post-surrendering.)<\/p>\n<p>If this level of relinquishing control seems extreme, well, I needed an extreme course correction to get back on\u2014and stay on\u2014my side of the street.<\/p>\n<p>Sadly, he\u2019d gotten used to my being his mother.<\/p>\n<p>As annoying as it must have been, it came with certain perks. He could rest easy knowing I\u2019d take care of making decisions for him.<\/p>\n<p>But it was not a sexy look for me.<\/p>\n<p>I had no idea how disrespectful I was being by not trusting his thinking or accepting his way of doing things. Fortunately, I\u2019m surrounded by teachers (and gifted with a knack for seeing in others what I\u2019m blind to about myself).<\/p>\n<p>I thought I was the only control freak around here, but apparently, it runs in the family. When I\u2019m at the receiving end of the control dynamic, I finally understand how it feels.<\/p>\n<p>All those \u201chelpful\u201d reminders only remind me that I must seem incapable of handling my own trip preparations or summoning the maternal instinct to drive safely.<\/p>\n<p>I know I\u2019m making this all sound easy. And it is\u2014eventually. It just takes plenty of practice to get there.<\/p>\n<p>Luckily, I have the support of other coaches to help me implement The Six Intimacy Skills\u2122.<\/p>\n<p>In the meantime, it\u2019s simple, but definitely not easy.<\/p>\n<p>Just \u201cstay on my paper,\u201d in Laura Doyle speak, the way I kept my eyes on my own paper in school.<\/p>\n<p>A complication does arise when what\u2019s on his paper is on mine too, like his driving or raising our children.<\/p>\n<p>In those cases, I ask myself, \u201cCan I control it? If so, is it worth the intimacy it would cost?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I can\u2019t control his driving, but fortunately he\u2019s a good driver (and lost the cowbell he used to play while driving to salsa music).<\/p>\n<p>Saying, \u201cWhatever you think,\u201d\u2014or, harder yet, nothing at all\u2014about the kids, however, has led to them going to bed wearing polyester or a shirt on backwards, I confess.<\/p>\n<p>Oh, the horror! (Please don\u2019t tell my mom.)<\/p>\n<p>Somehow, they survived it, though.<\/p>\n<p>The real magic of those three little words is that my demon can put down his pitchfork, leaving me free and serene.<\/p>\n<p>I hope to channel my inner three-year-old in his place by relearning some other crucial words: \u201cI want, I want, I want!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Stefanie, Laura Doyle Certified Coach I love eavesdropping on my three year old and his cousin. She\u2019s four, so naturally, she assumes a position of superiority. Here\u2019s one of their conversations: 4 year old: \u201cYou have to do whatever I say, okay?\u201d 3 year old: \u201cBut I don\u2019t want to!\u201d [Copious screaming ensues.] I don\u2019t\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/mom-acts-like-3-year-old\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8144,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[710],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-8140","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-emotional-intimacy"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Mom Acts Like 3-Year-Old and Gets What She Wants<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/mom-acts-like-3-year-old\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Mom Acts Like 3-Year-Old and Gets What She Wants\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Stefanie, Laura Doyle Certified Coach I love eavesdropping on my three year old and his cousin. 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Here\u2019s one of their conversations: 4 year old: \u201cYou have to do whatever I say, okay?\u201d 3 year old: \u201cBut I don\u2019t want to!\u201d [Copious screaming ensues.] I don\u2019t\u2026 Read More &raquo;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/mom-acts-like-3-year-old\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Laura Doyle Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-10-13T11:00:47+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-12-21T06:34:53+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/10\/mom-acts-like-3-year-old.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" 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