{"id":8145,"date":"2016-10-20T04:00:48","date_gmt":"2016-10-20T11:00:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=8145"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:52","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:52","slug":"divorce-impact-on-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/divorce-impact-on-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"Helping Children Cope with Divorce"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>You don\u2019t need me to tell you how hard divorce is on your kids.<\/p>\n<p>You already know, and it\u2019s absolutely no help to your little people for you to be curled into a shame ball about how it might hurt their confidence, learning and social development.<\/p>\n<p>You getting stuck in shame isn\u2019t going to make your family happy again, or protect your kids from the effects of seeing the two most important people in their world fighting and distant.<\/p>\n<p>So by the power vested in me as a woman who has spent her fair share of time curled into a shame ball over screwing up her marriage, I hereby absolve you of all that embarrassment.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re doing the best you can under the circumstances, and clearly you love your kids, or you wouldn\u2019t be reading this blog.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re a good mom doing your best for them.<\/p>\n<p>You probably left your marriage at least partly because you thought it was best for your kids.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s something important to think about: there are things you can do to ease your kids\u2019 transition, to save them additional heartbreak.<\/p>\n<p>Here are 5 ways to protect your kids from the fallout of divorce:<!--more--><\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/divorce-impact-on-kids\/#1_Find_the_Hero_in_Your_Ex-Husband\" title=\"Find the Hero in Your Ex-Husband\">Find the Hero in Your Ex-Husband<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/divorce-impact-on-kids\/#2_Expect_the_Best_Outcome\" title=\"Expect the Best Outcome\">Expect the Best Outcome<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/divorce-impact-on-kids\/#3_Let_Your_Kids_Be_Upset\" title=\"Let Your Kids Be Upset\">Let Your Kids Be Upset<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/divorce-impact-on-kids\/#4_Express_Your_Desires_in_a_Way_that_Inspires\" title=\"Express Your Desires in a Way that Inspires\">Express Your Desires in a Way that Inspires<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-5\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/divorce-impact-on-kids\/#5_Make_Your_Marriage_Worth_Saving\" title=\"Make Your Marriage Worth Saving\">Make Your Marriage Worth Saving<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Find_the_Hero_in_Your_Ex-Husband\"><\/span>1. Find the Hero in Your Ex-Husband<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Your ex or soon-to-be-ex-husband has a lot of faults, clearly. But the good news is that he also has good qualities. You wouldn\u2019t have married him otherwise.<\/p>\n<p>You haven\u2019t seen those good qualities in a long time, probably, but nobody is all black-or-white. We all have shades of gray.<\/p>\n<p>One woman was telling me what a completely worthless idiot her ex-husband was.<\/p>\n<p>She also mentioned that he was a school principal who speaks three languages.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-4077986265\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>We\u2019re talking about the same guy.<\/p>\n<p>In other words, he\u2019s probably not a complete idiot.<\/p>\n<p>She was telling herself he was an idiot because she had experienced him doing things that seemed idiotic, and focusing on that helped her feel less ashamed and more justified about becoming a single mom.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s just human nature.<\/p>\n<p>But clinging to that view of her ex-husband meant she was also stuck trying to negotiate kid stuff with a worthless idiot instead of a competent, well-educated professional who\u2019s capable of running a whole school full of kids.<\/p>\n<p>When she made a decision to find the good qualifies in her ex-husband, he started to seem a lot more capable and helpful.<\/p>\n<p>She even started calling him the homework hero, and her ex stepped into that role.<\/p>\n<p>Her daughter went from failing her tests to getting 100% on them.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s tempting to make your ex wrong, but consider asking yourself what is right about him?<\/p>\n<p>What qualities about your ex would it serve you to focus on?<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-2067382726\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Expect_the_Best_Outcome\"><\/span>2. Expect the Best Outcome<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Of course you\u2019re worried about your kids keeping up at school and losing self-esteem.<\/p>\n<p>It breaks your heart to see them crying about the loss of their family unit. You\u2019re going to feel afraid for them.<\/p>\n<p>When you feel that way, you have a choice: indulge the fear and focus on it, or choose to expect the best outcome.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re going to feel like you can\u2019t help but worry about them, but what you focus on increases. If you focus on how they\u2019re struggling at school, guess what will increase?<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s a lot of adjusting going on, but as with your ex, life didn\u2019t just get 100% black.<\/p>\n<p>Look for the bright spots and focus on them. Maybe you can\u2019t afford to send your daughter to gymnastics anymore. But on the bright side, she still gets to be in the school band.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s helping her develop skills that will serve her for the rest of her life.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe your son seems sullen and depressed. Focus on and speak of how grateful you are that he has stepped up to help with his younger siblings, and what a good man he\u2019s growing into instead.<\/p>\n<p>This will take some focus at first, since your fear is going to feel bigger and sharper than your faith.<\/p>\n<p>But it\u2019s absolutely in your power to choose what you focus on about your kids, and therefore increase it.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Let_Your_Kids_Be_Upset\"><\/span>3. Let Your Kids Be Upset<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>At the same time that you\u2019re focusing on your faith instead of giving in to your fear, your kids are going to have some feelings about what\u2019s happening to them.<\/p>\n<p>Of course they will\u2014it\u2019s a big deal to lose your nuclear family.<\/p>\n<p>You can model choosing your faith over your fear for them too, but don\u2019t forget to give them the space to have their hurt and anger.<\/p>\n<p>If you listen well and empathize by saying, \u201cIt is sad that you miss your dad. I can see why you feel that way,\u201d the feeling will rise and naturally subside.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, it\u2019s more challenging to do when their sadness crashes into your guilt or shame.<\/p>\n<p>But this is not about you. It\u2019s about their experience, and you giving them the gift of being heard and understood.<\/p>\n<p>Let it be all about them. You can process your feelings with your support system, but you are the main support for them.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_Express_Your_Desires_in_a_Way_that_Inspires\"><\/span>4. Express Your Desires in a Way that Inspires<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Men are pretty motivated to make even their ex-wives happy. I know it doesn\u2019t seem like it right now because he\u2019s been such a jerk for so long.<\/p>\n<p>I was reminded about this recently when my dad called, concerned about my mom\u2019s well-being.<\/p>\n<p>They split up for the last time over 30 years ago. He\u2019s been happily remarried for decades.<\/p>\n<p>She\u2019s not his responsibility anymore. But still, he can\u2019t stop himself from wanting to protect her.<\/p>\n<p>And believe me, my dad seemed like a jerk when they were splitting up. Now I can see two sides to that story.<\/p>\n<p>Because you feel like you\u2019re having to negotiate with a <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/selfish-husband-the-cure-for-the-chronically-self-consumed-man\/\">selfish<\/a> jerk, you may be tempted to make demands and fight for what you know you deserve.<\/p>\n<p>You might figure it\u2019s best to just tell your ex how it\u2019s going to be, to use authority or insist.<\/p>\n<p>Instead, consider <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-communicate-with-men\/\">framing your demands as desires<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Instead of saying, \u201cYou\u2019re taking the kids on Saturday because that\u2019s what we agreed!\u201d, which may get his defenses up, consider saying, \u201cI would love to have the day off from the kids on Saturday.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That way, your ex has the chance to step into taking the kids as a way of making you happy.<\/p>\n<p>Believe it or not, that\u2019s still something he\u2019s motivated to do\u2014to make you happy.<\/p>\n<p>Every peaceful conversation you have with him is a gift of emotional safety to your kids.<\/p>\n<p>True, it would be nice if he\u2019d be the first one to be mature or respectful, but you have the power to make peace by being the bigger person.<\/p>\n<p>The view from the high road is spectacular. And the ride for your children is smoother and safer.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"5_Make_Your_Marriage_Worth_Saving\"><\/span>5. Make Your Marriage Worth Saving<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Of course, if the marriage isn\u2019t over yet, there\u2019s also the option to give you and your kids the best present of all: parents with a playful, passionate marriage.<\/p>\n<p>I know, it doesn\u2019t seem possible right now.<\/p>\n<p>It might not be. Only you know for sure. You\u2019re the expert on your life.<\/p>\n<p>My marriage didn\u2019t seem salvageable, either. It seemed hard and lonely and unbearable.<\/p>\n<p>I felt like a loser for putting up with it. That\u2019s how miserable it was.<\/p>\n<p>Like you, I tried everything\u2014books, counseling, talking it out, threatening divorce.<\/p>\n<p>It wasn\u2019t until I got the right information that things turned around completely.<\/p>\n<p>Before that, I was struggling because no one ever taught me The Six Intimacy Skills\u2122.<\/p>\n<p>Once I learned them, my marriage got easy and fun again\u2014like it was when we first fell in love.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve seen so many women have miracles in their relationships with <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Six Intimacy Skills<\/a> that I want every woman to have them.<\/p>\n<p>I suffered needlessly, and I don\u2019t want anyone else to. That\u2019s been my mission for 18 years now.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re still married, there\u2019s still hope, even if he left you, even if he has someone else, even if you already filed for divorce.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe you\u2019ll check out The Six Intimacy Skills only because you love your children and want to give them a home court advantage.<\/p>\n<p>Mother love is powerful like that.<\/p>\n<p>Either way, I admire your commitment to protecting your kids.<\/p>\n<p>The world needs mothers like you who want the world for their children.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You don\u2019t need me to tell you how hard divorce is on your kids. You already know, and it\u2019s absolutely no help to your little people for you to be curled into a shame ball about how it might hurt their confidence, learning and social development. You getting stuck in shame isn\u2019t going to make\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/divorce-impact-on-kids\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8149,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[709,711],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-8145","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divorce-and-separation","category-family-and-parenting"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Helping Children Cope with Divorce (5 Things to Do)<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"5 Ways to Protect Your Kids from the Nastiness and Heartbreak You probably left your marriage partly because of your kids. 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I'm Laura. New York Times Bestselling Author I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that\u2019s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned. I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills\u2122 that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. 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