{"id":8310,"date":"2016-12-01T04:00:41","date_gmt":"2016-12-01T12:00:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=8310"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:50","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:50","slug":"husband-drinks-too-much","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/husband-drinks-too-much\/","title":{"rendered":"Husband Drinks Too Much"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Like anyone who drinks too much, your husband gets annoying and stupid when he\u2019s intoxicated.<\/p>\n<p>It might be nice if he never did that, but the bigger question is whether your man\u2019s drinking is over the line.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe he drinks every night, or drinks to oblivion on a regular basis, or gets mean when he drinks.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe he\u2019s missed work, family events, or had run-ins with the law from drinking. Maybe when he gets started he just keeps going on a bender for weeks.<\/p>\n<p>Aren\u2019t those indications that he\u2019s got a problem?<\/p>\n<p>And if he\u2019s got a serious problem, then doesn\u2019t that mean you have one too, since you\u2019re married to a problem drinker, or maybe even an alcoholic?<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s scary to think about, because we\u2019ve all heard about the financial, emotional, and health problems drunks cause themselves and their families.<\/p>\n<p>But does it have to be that way?<\/p>\n<p>In my experience, wives have tremendous influence over their husband\u2019s drinking. Knowing how to use that influence wisely can make a huge difference.<\/p>\n<p>Here are 3 ways you can influence your husband\u2019s drinking for the better.<\/p>\n<p>(Actually, this works for any behavior you want to influence.) <!--more--><\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/husband-drinks-too-much\/#1_Take_Your_Foot_Off_of_the_Accelerator\" title=\"Take Your Foot Off of the Accelerator\">Take Your Foot Off of the Accelerator<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/husband-drinks-too-much\/#2_Let_Him_Solve_Your_Problem_Instead_of_Trying_to_Solve_His\" title=\"Let Him Solve Your Problem Instead of Trying to Solve His\">Let Him Solve Your Problem Instead of Trying to Solve His<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/husband-drinks-too-much\/#3_Expect_the_Best\" title=\"Expect the Best\">Expect the Best<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Take_Your_Foot_Off_of_the_Accelerator\"><\/span>1. Take Your Foot Off of the Accelerator<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Of course, your husband is the only one who can decide how much he will drink, and how often.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re not responsible for his choices\u2014not at all. But here\u2019s what I\u2019ve observed about human nature and wifely influence.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-2187550349\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>When a wife tells her husband not to drink, or asks if he thinks he should be drinking so much, or complains about his drinking, I have never seen that result in him drinking less.<\/p>\n<p>Quite the opposite: he drinks even more.<\/p>\n<p>Author John Gray says it\u2019s like this: \u201cWhen a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>That explains a lot, don\u2019t you think?<\/p>\n<p>So if he doesn\u2019t feel that you accept his drinking, he will repeat it until you do accept him\u2014drinking and all.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s incredibly contrary, right? But here\u2019s what\u2019s interesting.<\/p>\n<p>That doesn\u2019t mean you can\u2019t influence his drinking\u2014in my experience, you definitely can.<\/p>\n<p>The way to influence his drinking is to first accept it.<\/p>\n<p>That does not mean you\u2019re signing up for a lifetime of smelling his whiskey breath while he snores contentedly after he broke the lamp and knocked the picture off the wall. You are not agreeing to be the designated driver forever and ever, amen.<\/p>\n<p>You are not agreeing to suffer endlessly if you accept his drinking. I\u2019m not saying things will never improve.<\/p>\n<p>Quite the opposite: accepting his drinking is a prerequisite to changing everything for the better, and it just means that you don\u2019t tell him to change. It means you stop punishing, resenting, and criticizing him for his drinking.<\/p>\n<p>If you want a husband who\u2019s sober, and you\u2019ve been telling him to drink less or to stop drinking, you were unwittingly pressing the button that makes him feel compelled to drink more.<\/p>\n<p>Pressing the accelerator when you were looking for the brake can have really negative consequences. So it\u2019s good to know which button you\u2019re pressing.<\/p>\n<p>Trying to control his drinking\u2014even subtly, even mildly\u2014is pushing the accelerator, not the brake.<\/p>\n<p>This is true of trying to control any unwanted behavior in your husband.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-1428008466\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Let_Him_Solve_Your_Problem_Instead_of_Trying_to_Solve_His\"><\/span>2. Let Him Solve Your Problem Instead of Trying to Solve His<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>So you\u2019ve accepted his drinking. Now what? How is that going to improve your situation, you might wonder.<\/p>\n<p>Does this mean you should applaud him for closing down the bar on a school night again?<\/p>\n<p>I wouldn\u2019t suggest celebrating it, but you might just treat it like any other part of his life where he\u2019s away. For example, you might say, \u201cHow was the pub last night?\u201d in a light tone\u2014the same one you\u2019d use to say, \u201cHow was work?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Then, ask yourself what it is about your husband\u2019s drinking that\u2019s impacting you, and speak to that directly, but not as a complaint.<\/p>\n<p>For instance, let\u2019s say he wakes you up at 2 a.m. when he gets home, and you can\u2019t get back to sleep right away. You might say, \u201cCan I borrow your brain? I\u2019m trying to get more sleep lately, and I notice I have trouble getting back to sleep after you come home. I\u2019m trying to figure out how to solve that one.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>See how that\u2019s all about you and not about his drinking?<\/p>\n<p>You would want to say this in a normal, neutral voice, not a dripping-with-resentment one. And when he makes a suggestion, you want to be open to whatever that is and try it on.<\/p>\n<p>If he says, \u201cHow about sleeping with earplugs in?\u201d and you want to be able to hear the kids if they wake up, you can say exactly that.<\/p>\n<p>You don\u2019t have to do what he suggests if it doesn\u2019t fit for you.<\/p>\n<p>The goal is not to be compliant, but to honor your own desires. If what he suggests doesn\u2019t match what you want, then keep going\u2014say more about what you want.<\/p>\n<p>This may seem like a subtle shift, but addressing your desires around how his drinking impacts you as challenges for him to help you solve instead of complaining or criticizing him is powerful.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Expect_the_Best\"><\/span>3. Expect the Best<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>If you\u2019re expecting negative consequences because he drinks too much, you\u2019re expecting the worst.<\/p>\n<p>You may have lots of evidence that bad things happen when he drinks, so this seems normal and natural.<\/p>\n<p>But since what you focus on increases, why not focus on how he hasn\u2019t been drinking as much, or he doesn\u2019t drink anymore?<\/p>\n<p>Better yet, how about taking all of your focus off his drinking and instead focus on what a good listener he is, or how reliable he is, or how he seems like the opposite of what you\u2019re worried about?<\/p>\n<p>When you expect the best out of someone, and show them you believe in them with words and actions, <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/laws-of-attraction-in-relationships\/\">they tend to live up to your expectations<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>As you\u2019re reading this you might be wondering if I have even a basic understanding about the nature of addiction or alcoholism. You might be thinking, but what if he has a disease?<\/p>\n<p>You might think none of this will have any effect. You might think I\u2019m incredibly na\u00efve for suggesting something so dangerous.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re the expert on your own life, so you get to decide what is best for you.<\/p>\n<p>If you think you can control his drinking, if what you\u2019ve been doing has been working along those lines, then you\u2019re all good.<\/p>\n<p>But if what you\u2019ve been doing feels exhausting and ineffective, then what could it hurt to experiment with another approach?<\/p>\n<p>One woman did just that with her husband, whom she described as an alcoholic because he drank so much every night.<\/p>\n<p>She decided to start affirming her husband for drinking so much less, and to tell him how much she was enjoying that. Two weeks later when we spoke she said she was shocked that her husband hadn\u2019t had a drop to drink in two weeks. She couldn\u2019t believe just how much influence she had.<\/p>\n<p>You might just be shocked at how much influence you have to bring out the best in your husband when you use your powers wisely.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Like anyone who drinks too much, your husband gets annoying and stupid when he\u2019s intoxicated. It might be nice if he never did that, but the bigger question is whether your man\u2019s drinking is over the line. Maybe he drinks every night, or drinks to oblivion on a regular basis, or gets mean when he\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/husband-drinks-too-much\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8312,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[715],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-8310","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mental-health"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Husband Drinks Too Much [3 Secrets to Sober Him Up]<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If your husband drinks too much, you\u2019re not alone. 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