{"id":8797,"date":"2017-07-27T04:00:00","date_gmt":"2017-07-27T11:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=8797"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:36","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:36","slug":"my-husband-doesnt-listen-to-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-listen-to-me\/","title":{"rendered":"My Husband Doesn\u2019t Listen to Me"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Having the same conversation again and again, the one that turns into an argument or a cold war every time, gets old fast.<\/p>\n<p>But when your husband isn\u2019t holding up his end of the parenting, finances or household maintenance, you end up stuck holding the bag, which is exhausting.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019re likely to get resentful if you don\u2019t say something, but what if he gets irritable whenever you mention a particular topic?<\/p>\n<p>Or, what if every time you bring it up, it isn\u2019t a good time? What if he just won\u2019t listen?<\/p>\n<p>If he\u2019ll never talk about it, how will things ever get better?<\/p>\n<p>It can make you feel hopeless.<\/p>\n<p>Here are 4 secrets to talking so he can hear you.<!--more--><\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-listen-to-me\/#1_Appreciate_Something_Hes_Already_Doing\" title=\"Appreciate Something He\u2019s Already Doing\">Appreciate Something He\u2019s Already Doing<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-listen-to-me\/#2_Ask_to_Borrow_His_Brain\" title=\"Ask to Borrow His Brain\">Ask to Borrow His Brain<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-listen-to-me\/#3_Express_a_Desire_Not_a_Complaint\" title=\"Express a Desire, Not a Complaint\">Express a Desire, Not a Complaint<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-listen-to-me\/#4_Keep_It_Short\" title=\"Keep It Short\">Keep It Short<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Appreciate_Something_Hes_Already_Doing\"><\/span>1. Appreciate Something He\u2019s Already Doing<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Husbands crave appreciation.<\/p>\n<p>One man told me his wife complained that he woke her up by munching on potato chips in the car while he drove the family back from a long weekend in the mountains.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought I was doing a good thing, taking the family on vacation and driving everybody back while they rested. But I didn\u2019t feel appreciated. She only noticed that I eat chips too loudly.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Another husband told me recently that he used to clean the kitchen but has stopped because his wife never acknowledged that he did it. \u201cShe never said anything, so it was like it never happened.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You might be thinking, \u201cI clean the kitchen every day, and no one thanks me either!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019d probably like someone to notice and acknowledge your efforts. That\u2019s human.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-147235938\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-17020\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>To have a culture of gratitude in your marriage, why not go first?<\/p>\n<p>You can thank him for ordinary things like making the coffee, putting the kids to bed or putting on a new roll of paper towels. And for big things like supporting the family or his character traits&#8211;like being fun-loving and generous.<\/p>\n<p>When he feels appreciated, he feels successful in being your hero, which inspires him to want to listen to you because what you\u2019re saying makes him feel good.<\/p>\n<p>As one guy on the man panel at The Cherished for Life Weekend put it, \u201cMy wife was so grateful that I fixed the cabinet that I started thinking, \u2018What can I break around here so I can fix that too?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Of course, you don\u2019t have to say \u201cthank you\u201d to him to make him listen, but when you want him to be open, that\u2019s a great time to look around appreciatively at what you already have, thanks to him.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-2683916483\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Ask_to_Borrow_His_Brain\"><\/span>2. Ask to Borrow His Brain<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Announcing that you want to talk is the same as saying, \u201cYou\u2019re in trouble and I want to complain about you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s a conversation nobody wants to have.<\/p>\n<p>Most husbands will climb out the window or disappear into the floor to avoid that talk.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re anything like me, you\u2019re thinking, \u201cBut he\u2019s not in trouble! I just want to discuss the budget and how we\u2019re not banking any money for a vacation.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But right there, hidden in your agenda, is a complaint: You spend too much\/don\u2019t save enough\/don\u2019t make enough.<\/p>\n<p>And your husband is highly sensitive that you think he\u2019s falling short. Your disappointment in him is pretty crushing, actually.<\/p>\n<p>At least it was for my husband and for every man I\u2019ve ever spoken to about this.<\/p>\n<p>Looking back, I can see why my husband retreated to the TV so he didn\u2019t have to continuously be reminded about how he wasn\u2019t making me happy.<\/p>\n<p>From his standpoint he was already doing his best, so my complaining didn\u2019t motivate him to improve&#8211;or to listen to me. He avoided the pain of that conversation completely.<\/p>\n<p>But if you figure out what it is you want and ask if you can \u201cborrow his brain\u201d about something, you can engage him in solving your problem, which he loves to do.<\/p>\n<p>For example, you could say, \u201cCan I borrow your brain? I want to figure out a pretty backdrop for my next video and I\u2019m stuck! Any ideas?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I said that yesterday, and today we\u2019re shooting a video with the great new set design he came up with.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Express_a_Desire_Not_a_Complaint\"><\/span>3. Express a Desire, Not a Complaint<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Husbands can\u2019t even hear you when you\u2019re complaining. I know this from my own experience of complaining for years and having my husband tune me out.<\/p>\n<p>I thought I was saying what I wanted, but I was actually saying what I didn\u2019t want, which is what complaining is.<\/p>\n<p>He just didn\u2019t know what to do for me. He didn\u2019t know what I wanted!<\/p>\n<p>For example, in the old days I would have said how boring the plain old walls look as the backdrop for my videos.<\/p>\n<p>He might listen politely, but he wouldn\u2019t know what to do for me. He might think I needed a nap.<\/p>\n<p>Double-check to make sure you\u2019re expressing a pure desire&#8211;meaning no manipulation, control or complaint&#8211;when you talk to your husband. Just think of the final outcome you want and stick to that.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s so easy for complaints to sneak in! That happens to me too sometimes.<\/p>\n<p>I was tempted to say, \u201cI\u2019m sick of these plain old walls as the backdrop for my videos, but I can\u2019t use the windows because I look dark when I\u2019m backlit, so argh!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s no indication of what I wanted in that, which is the critical information my husband needs in order to make me happy.<\/p>\n<p>If your husband is anything like mine, that kind of complaint will only have him tune you out again. So i just said it to myself and figured out what I wanted before speaking to him.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not fun to listen to complaining to begin with, but when he can\u2019t figure out how to help you he isn\u2019t likely to tilt his head and say, \u201cTell me more!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>More likely he\u2019ll search for something more interesting to listen to, like the TV&#8211;unless he hears a way to be your hero and do something that will make you happy, that is.<\/p>\n<p>One woman was astonished though, that when she simply said, &#8220;I would love a glass of wine!&#8221; without any expectations that within minutes her husband was on the way to the store to get her some.<\/p>\n<p>That&#8217;s the power of expressing your desires in a way that inspires.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_Keep_It_Short\"><\/span>4. Keep It Short<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>It\u2019s tempting to go into a long story about why you\u2019re thinking about whatever it is you want help with and what happened before and what your sister said and lots of other details.<\/p>\n<p>If you want to express your desires in a way that inspires, consider keeping it short and sweet.<\/p>\n<p>Once you\u2019ve expressed your appreciation for something he does and figured out what it is you want, construct one brief sentence so it looks like this:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m so grateful you put our son to bed every night. Can I borrow your brain about something? I\u2019d love for him to clean his room, but it is not happening. What do you think?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Then you can stop and listen to what he has to say. I promise he won\u2019t try to jump out the window this time.<\/p>\n<p>As far as whether to go along with his suggestions, that\u2019s up to you. You could continue to refine your desire as you go along. So if he says, \u201cOkay, I\u2019ll tell him I\u2019ll take him for ice cream after he cleans it,\u201d and you worry about your son having sugar or a reward for doing his part, you can always say, \u201cI\u2019d love to get into a routine that doesn\u2019t end with sweets.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Another example is:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThanks for going to work every day to support us. Can I borrow your brain about something? I\u2019d love to figure out some way for my mom to stay with us comfortably when she comes to visit.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You might be surprised just how attentively and thoughtfully your husband listens when you use these techniques.<\/p>\n<p>What would you like to talk to your husband about using this approach?<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Having the same conversation again and again, the one that turns into an argument or a cold war every time, gets old fast. But when your husband isn\u2019t holding up his end of the parenting, finances or household maintenance, you end up stuck holding the bag, which is exhausting. You\u2019re likely to get resentful if\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/my-husband-doesnt-listen-to-me\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8799,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[708],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-8797","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>My Husband Doesn&#039;t Listen To Me [Here&#039;s Why]<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"You talk and talk but it seems to be falling on deaf ears. 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