{"id":8813,"date":"2017-08-24T04:00:24","date_gmt":"2017-08-24T11:00:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=8813"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:35","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:35","slug":"stop-silent-treatment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/stop-silent-treatment\/","title":{"rendered":"Silent Treatment in Marriage [How to Stop the Cold War]"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>When your husband is giving you the silent treatment, it hurts. A lot.<\/p>\n<p>I still remember how lonely it was when we had cold wars in my house.<\/p>\n<p>Your brain goes into an endless loop of thinking about how to get him to talk to you again. It gnaws at you and colors everything else in your world.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019ve already tried begging and pleading and confronting. None of that works. And giving him the silent treatment right back just creates a cold war.<\/p>\n<p>So how can you ever connect again?<\/p>\n<p>How do you stop these endless hostilities?<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s how to end a marital cold war in a hurry.<!--more--><\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/stop-silent-treatment\/#1_Examine_Your_Side_of_the_Street\" title=\"Examine Your Side of the Street\">Examine Your Side of the Street<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/stop-silent-treatment\/#2_Issue_an_Apology\" title=\"Issue an Apology\">Issue an Apology<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/stop-silent-treatment\/#3_Become_a_Safe_Haven\" title=\"Become a Safe Haven\">Become a Safe Haven<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Examine_Your_Side_of_the_Street\"><\/span>1. Examine Your Side of the Street<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Of course, the breakdown is his fault too. He&#8217;s definitely responsible for his part.<\/p>\n<p>But to break the ice, a great question to ask yourself is, \u201cWhat can I see on my side of the street that contributed to this cold war?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You then have the key to the door you\u2019ve been pounding on. When someone doesn\u2019t want to talk to me, it\u2019s usually because I\u2019ve said too much or said it too forcefully.<\/p>\n<p>I failed to listen and understand first, or else I got very attached to my view of things. In other words, I was disrespectful.<\/p>\n<p>For instance, when my nephew wanted to quit a job I had helped him get through a friend of mine, I told him he was free to leave if it didn\u2019t fit for him and that I trusted him to know what was best for him.<\/p>\n<p>So far, so good.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-2484963222\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>But after that, I listed all the resources available to him that he hadn\u2019t taken advantage of, like speaking to his manager or to my friend about the challenges he was facing.<\/p>\n<p>I assured him he didn\u2019t have to suffer in silence or give up.<\/p>\n<p>I reminded him it was a good opportunity.<\/p>\n<p>The first part of the message was \u201cI trust you,\u201d but after that I wandered off into \u201cBut<br \/>\nyou\u2019re making a mistake.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m embarrassed to admit I was not expecting the best outcome from his choices&#8211;I was<br \/>\nexpecting the worst. How <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-respect-your-husband\/\">disrespectful<\/a>!<\/p>\n<p>So it should have been no surprise that once he quit that job, he completely avoided me.<br \/>\nHe probably feared my judgment or hearing that I was disappointed.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019d have avoided me too.<\/p>\n<p>And I was disappointed, but not in him.<\/p>\n<p>I was disappointed for myself. I wanted to be the smart, important person who had helped him get an internship that would be a springboard to even better opportunities in the future. I was quite pleased with myself about that, while it lasted.<\/p>\n<p>But of course, what I want most of all is for my nephew to be happy. And he wasn\u2019t happy at that job.<\/p>\n<p>Or with me. That\u2019s because, instead of hearing what he was trying to tell me, I stuck to my agenda for him. In other words, I wanted to be right, and it cost me connection with my nephew, which was a very high price.<\/p>\n<p>As a result, someone I\u2019m crazy about was not speaking to me.<\/p>\n<p>Just like the cold wars I had with my husband in the old days.<\/p>\n<p>And looking at my side of the street, I could see where I had something to clean up&#8211;if I was ready to admit that maybe I\u2019d been a tad bit disrespectful.<\/p>\n<p>If you find any mess on your side of the street, here\u2019s what to do with that (and what I finally did with my nephew to thaw the ice):<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-4132617324\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Issue_an_Apology\"><\/span>2. Issue an Apology<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>You might wonder about how you can get your guy to apologize when there\u2019s a cold war.<\/p>\n<p>In the bad old days, when my husband and I were enduring wall-to-wall hostility, that\u2019s what I was waiting for too.<\/p>\n<p>Or, I would attempt to halt the hostility (read: make him talk to me again!) by saying \u201csorry\u201d repeatedly without saying why I was sorry.<\/p>\n<p>I was like Scarlett O\u2019Hara from Gone with the Wind when Rhett Butler tells her: \u201cYou\u2019re like the thief who isn\u2019t the least bit sorry he stole but is terribly, terribly sorry he\u2019s going to jail.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I didn\u2019t like to be in silent treatment jail. I felt like the victim of his abuse, but now I can<br \/>\nsee how I was also the perpetrator.<\/p>\n<p>I didn\u2019t realize it at the time, but I was often disrespectful to my husband too.<\/p>\n<p>He was my mirror in those moments&#8211;responding to me with defensiveness because he was so hurt and looking for ways to avoid further pain from the woman who vowed to love him but used her words to slice and dice.<\/p>\n<p>In other words, he didn\u2019t feel safe around me. Yikes!<\/p>\n<p>And to be fair, I didn&#8217;t feel so warm and fuzzy about him either. But since I couldn&#8217;t make him apologize for his part, all that was left was to look at my side of things. That&#8217;s where I found I had the most power to improve the atmosphere in my home.<\/p>\n<p>These days I\u2019m much safer to be around, and we haven\u2019t had a cold war for years.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s partly because I\u2019m quick to scan my side of the street for respect slip-ups and to apologize for my specific transgressions.<\/p>\n<p>So instead of saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry if I upset you somehow\u201d and then getting a negative reaction to that and insisting \u201cI SAID I was sorry!\u201d these days I use my trusty formula and refer to exactly what I regret, as I recently did with my husband:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI apologize for being disrespectful when I asked you when you were going to hire a new<br \/>\ncontractor.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I deliver the message just one time. I also leave out the word \u201cif,\u201d which is like saying<br \/>\n\u201cI\u2019m not saying I did it. You\u2019re probably overreacting.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Finding the humility to admit I was disrespectful and making amends for it can feel<br \/>\nuncomfortable, but the results are empowering.<\/p>\n<p>I immediately feel more dignified and shiny. Instead of wallowing around in the dirt, I\u2019m<br \/>\ndoing what\u2019s in my power to clean up.<\/p>\n<p>That feels surprisingly freeing.<\/p>\n<p>And it seems to just melt my husband every time. Once he hears those words, the safety<br \/>\nis restored for him and the good times can roll.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s no need for him to stonewall.<\/p>\n<p>Or my nephew, who seemed relieved when I apologized and showed up at my house shortly afterward.<\/p>\n<p>But there\u2019s more\u2026<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Become_a_Safe_Haven\"><\/span>3. Become a Safe Haven<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Author John Harrigan wrote, \u201cPeople need loving the most when they deserve it the least.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When your husband is actively shutting you out, it means he\u2019s angry.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/anger-management-for-women\/\">Under that anger is hurt<\/a>. Always.<\/p>\n<p>In other words, he needs loving because he\u2019s hurt.<\/p>\n<p>The most loving thing you can do is show him you respect him in words and deeds.<\/p>\n<p>Haley and her husband were talking about their son struggling to study vocabulary words<br \/>\nover the summer. \u201cMaybe it\u2019s because he\u2019s in summer vacation mode and he\u2019s used to<br \/>\nplaying all the time, which makes it tougher,\u201d her husband suggested.<\/p>\n<p>Haley thought to herself, \u201cNuh-uh. He\u2019s like that during the school year too.\u201d In the past,<br \/>\nshe would have said just that.<\/p>\n<p>But this time, she took a breath and said, \u201cHmm. That could be.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Then, something shocking and sad happened.<\/p>\n<p>Her husband\u2019s entire demeanor changed. His shoulders relaxed, his eyebrows lifted, he<br \/>\nsmiled and said, \u201cYou like my idea?!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, man! That about broke my heart,\u201d Haley confessed. \u201cThese moments are helping<br \/>\nme see that being right is just not worth the pain it causes him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Had Haley argued with her husband in that moment, it might not have caused days of<br \/>\nsilence, but it could have created the kind of pebble that stonewalls are made of.<\/p>\n<p>Respect happens in ordinary moments like that.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s like putting intimacy in the bank.<\/p>\n<p>The safer your husband feels with you, the longer you\u2019ll go without a cold war.<\/p>\n<p>Before long, you\u2019ll realize you haven\u2019t had one in a very long time.<\/p>\n<p>Your relationship will seem much warmer, the conversation easy and relaxed.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s to keeping your home fires burning bright with your formidable power to choose<br \/>\nrespect.<\/p>\n<p>How have you chosen respect in your relationship? I\u2019d love to hear your comments below.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When your husband is giving you the silent treatment, it hurts. A lot. I still remember how lonely it was when we had cold wars in my house. Your brain goes into an endless loop of thinking about how to get him to talk to you again. It gnaws at you and colors everything else\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/stop-silent-treatment\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8816,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[708],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-8813","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Silent Treatment in Marriage [How to Stop the Cold War]<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Your man is giving you the cold shoulder and you can\u2019t figure out why. 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I'm Laura. New York Times Bestselling Author I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that\u2019s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned. I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills\u2122 that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. 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