{"id":8850,"date":"2017-08-31T04:00:38","date_gmt":"2017-08-31T11:00:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lauradoyle1.wpengine.com\/?p=8850"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:34","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:34","slug":"how-to-make-kids-listen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Make Kids listen"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>By Stefanie, Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach and mother of two<\/p>\n<p>Being a parent is maddening. One minute your little angels are so adorable you\u2019re overcome with gratitude for being lucky enough to have them.<\/p>\n<p>The next, they\u2019re possessed by demons, and you wish you could run away from home.<\/p>\n<p>So how do you get the adorable kids to stick around longer?<\/p>\n<p>The ones you not only love but like.<\/p>\n<p>The ones who listen.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s how I exorcised my kids\u2019 bad behavior:<!--more--><\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/#1_Catch_Them_Doing_Something_Right\" title=\"Catch Them Doing Something Right\">Catch Them Doing Something Right<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/#2_Choose_Labels_Carefully\" title=\"Choose Labels Carefully\">Choose Labels Carefully<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/#3_Ask_Not_What_You_Can_Do_for_Them\" title=\"Ask Not What You Can Do for Them\">Ask Not What You Can Do for Them<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/#4_Stop_the_Mom_Mom_Mommmmmm\" title=\"Stop the Mom, Mom, Mommmmmm!\">Stop the Mom, Mom, Mommmmmm!<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-5\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/#5_Encourage_Them_to_Take_Initiative\" title=\"Encourage Them to Take Initiative\">Encourage Them to Take Initiative<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-6\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/#6_Play_More\" title=\"Play More\">Play More<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Catch_Them_Doing_Something_Right\"><\/span>1. Catch Them Doing Something Right<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>My four year old\u2019s manners are a work in progress. He burps and sometimes chews with his mouth open, even when visiting French grandma (yikes!).<\/p>\n<p>But when he finishes eating, he asks to be excused (or the shorthand \u201cI\u2019m full\u201d) then takes his plate to the kitchen. Suddenly I feel like such a good mom!<\/p>\n<p>The first time he did this (after I asked him to), I lavished him with gratitude: \u201cWow, thank you so much. That\u2019s so helpful! I love how well mannered you are!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The hundredth time he\u2019s done it, I still pour on the gratitude.<\/p>\n<p>And I don\u2019t expect him to stop this good habit anytime soon.<\/p>\n<p>He\u2019ll find a way to get my attention one way or the other. How refreshing when he can get it through gratitude rather than my correcting him.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-207584175\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Not that I don\u2019t want to correct my kids. My two year old thinks it\u2019s great fun to bite, scratch, and pinch me. I want to smack him but remind him to be friendly by saying, \u201cAmi, mommy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When he caresses my arm instead of biting it or just snuggles with me like a non-sadist, I coo at him with pleasure the whole time. \u201cOoh, that\u2019s so nice. I love that! Thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And on and on, like the best broken record.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-974852058\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Choose_Labels_Carefully\"><\/span>2. Choose Labels Carefully<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>If my son had a nickel for every time he heard \u201cYou don\u2019t listen!\u201d this summer, he\u2019d be rich someday.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAll you two do is fight!\u201d was a close second when his cousin visited. I even heard that one of them was going to jail.<\/p>\n<p>But they didn\u2019t hear it from me.<\/p>\n<p>Now that I\u2019ve seen the power of the Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy (SFP) to inspire my H\u00e4agen-Dazs-scarfing husband to start juicing and buying supplements, I know that what I focus on increases.<\/p>\n<p>So as a parent I&#8217;m careful to avoid labels that I don\u2019t want to manifest. Instead, I turn to the Son-Fulfilling Prophecy.<\/p>\n<p>When my four year old started hitting me and screaming at me at the top of his lungs, the SFP that came to me was \u201cYou\u2019re my sweet boy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I became a detective, on the lookout for opportunities to catch him doing something right. I repeated my SFP gratefully anytime he was acting kind and even at random moments, whenever it crossed my mind.<\/p>\n<p>He doesn\u2019t hit me anymore.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Ask_Not_What_You_Can_Do_for_Them\"><\/span>3. Ask Not What You Can Do for Them<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>At a swamp tour in Louisiana, the guide asked which three little words are the most important for animal parents. It wasn\u2019t \u201cI love you\u201d but \u201cGet out now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Whether you\u2019re an alligator or a nutria, your job as a parent is to empower your offspring to be independent so they have the skills to survive in the wild.<\/p>\n<p>Accordingly, I\u2019m an alligator mom. Just as I generally avoid doing things my husband could do for himself, like finding his wallet or choosing his wardrobe, I try not to do for my kids what they could do for themselves.<\/p>\n<p>It doesn\u2019t always go over well with the four year old, who gets upset when I fail to obey him. \u201cBut I said please, so I don\u2019t have to do it myself!\u201d he objects indignantly.<\/p>\n<p>And I don\u2019t have to take the bait, even though my default reaction is to stop what I\u2019m doing and jump up to get the water he asked for. Otherwise, I\u2019m afraid he\u2019ll get dehydrated playing out in the Miami heat. But I keep the cups and water filter within his reach and trust that he can get a drink when he\u2019s thirsty.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not religious about it\u2014if I\u2019m up when he needs a napkin, I grab one for him\u2014but if I start feeling like his slave, that\u2019s my cue to say \u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t want to resent my cherub! Or for everything I do for him to cost me self-care.<\/p>\n<p>(I hope to report success saying \u201cI can\u2019t\u201d in the butt-wiping department very soon.)<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_Stop_the_Mom_Mom_Mommmmmm\"><\/span>4. Stop the Mom, Mom, Mommmmmm!<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>\u201cMommy, I don\u2019t want to take a nap.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes, but it\u2019s nap time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMommy, I don\u2019t want to take a nap.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI know, but you need energy to play this afternoon.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMommy, I don\u2019t want to take a nap.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>My four year old\u2019s powers of argumentation far exceed mine, and I will never prevail in this conversation.<\/p>\n<p>So the magical phrase I reach for is \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-respect-your-husband\/\">I hear you<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When I respond with an objection instead, it lands as if I\u2019m not hearing, much less validating, what he has to say.<\/p>\n<p>When I simply say \u201cI hear you,\u201d there\u2019s no need for him to keep repeating himself.<\/p>\n<p>For example, if he wants me to push him on the swing but I have to get dinner on the table before disaster strikes, I say, &#8220;I can&#8217;t. I need to make dinner.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>He objects, &#8220;But I want you to swing me!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Rather than repeat my apparently hollow argument, I say, \u201cI hear you. And I can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>No but\u2019s about it!<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s no arguing with that.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"5_Encourage_Them_to_Take_Initiative\"><\/span>5. Encourage Them to Take Initiative<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>The controlling mom. The helicopter mom. The micromanaging mom.<\/p>\n<p>Whatever you want to call her, if you\u2019ve ever gone to a playground, you know what I\u2019m talking about.<\/p>\n<p>If you find yourself wanting to leave the park early, it\u2019s probably because Micromanaging Mom is there.<\/p>\n<p>She\u2019s the one whose imploring shouts cut through the comparatively peaceful cacophony of children\u2019s screams:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBe careful!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t take your shoes off!\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t get your dress dirty!\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t slide headfirst!\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t yell!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDon\u2019t, don\u2019t, don\u2019t!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s exhausting just being near her. It must be exhausting for her and for the kid too. I wonder how her child would ever know how to behave without her.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not above being controlling myself. I can bark orders at my kids like the best of \u2019em. Isn\u2019t it my job as a parent to control them?<\/p>\n<p>Maybe. But now that I\u2019ve relinquished inappropriate control in my marriage, I strive to do the same as a parent.<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t have to micromanage or solve my children\u2019s disputes for them. When my niece comes screaming to me about how her cousin has wronged her, I dispassionately ask, \u201cDo you need time apart?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo.\u201d (I have yet to get a different answer.)<\/p>\n<p>Well, that was easy. And they have the opportunity to learn to navigate interpersonal conflicts themselves.<\/p>\n<p>Not that it\u2019s like Lord of the Flies over here. If they don\u2019t resolve the conflict, which is usually over a toy, rather than presuming to know who started it or vilifying the older child by default, I remove the offending toy so it gets a timeout. I know it sounds mean by grandma standards\u2014as she reminds me\u2014but it\u2019s good incentive for them to get along (which means I get to use my SFP \u201cYou\u2019re so good at sharing!\u201d).<\/p>\n<p>One magical phrase has been particularly powerful in helping me to relinquish inappropriate (or unnecessary) control as a parent: \u201cWhatever you think.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>My older son craves my approval and often asks permission before doing something, such as \u201cCan I wear my Crocs in the water?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhatever you think\u201d is a quick way to empower him to make his own decisions instead of always having to rely on mommy to think for him.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"6_Play_More\"><\/span>6. Play More<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>I don\u2019t have a chance of pulling off any of this if I don\u2019t put my own oxygen mask on first. I do that through self-care, which gives me the reserves to be my best self as a mom and to model the behavior I want my children to emulate.<\/p>\n<p>Of course, getting any alone time\u2014much less <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/self-care-ideas\/\">three things that delight me every day<\/a>\u2014is easier said than done as a mom.<\/p>\n<p>One way around that challenge is to find opportunities for self-care with my children.<\/p>\n<p>Today we made a self-care box, where I wrote down fun activities they brainstormed on pieces of paper they cut out and folded. After our nap time, they each get to pick something for us to do.<\/p>\n<p>We often go for a bike ride, sit down for tea time, or have a dance party where we (well, I) jump up on the sofa and belt out some Lady Gaga: \u201cCutie pie, cutie pie\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m glad I\u2019m fact checking because I had no idea the actual lyrics are \u201cCan\u2019t read my\u2026\u201d All I hear\u2014and call them\u2014is \u201ccutie pie\u201d when I\u2019m making myself deliriously happy alongside my boys.<\/p>\n<p>Fortunately, play comes easily at their age. All I have to do is join in\u2014as long as I leave controlling mom behind. This is their time.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s mine too, if my perspective allows. Ideally, I like to have special time with each child, which I incorporate into their routine, just like I schedule my own self-care for the day. (I save blessed TV time for the witching hour so I can make dinner in peace, which is a manner of self-care for us both.)<\/p>\n<p>If it feels like a chore that I have to get over with, then special time isn\u2019t very special.<\/p>\n<p>But if I can find gratitude that I get to spend this time with them, I am so happy to be around these little rascals.<\/p>\n<p><em>These are just a handful of the ways I implement the 6 Intimacy Skills\u2122 as a parent. How do you practice gratitude, respect, relinquishing control, or self-care with your kids? Or otherwise curb their difficult behavior? Please share below.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>By Stefanie, Laura Doyle Certified Relationship Coach and mother of two Being a parent is maddening. One minute your little angels are so adorable you\u2019re overcome with gratitude for being lucky enough to have them. The next, they\u2019re possessed by demons, and you wish you could run away from home. So how do you get\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":8851,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[711],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-8850","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-family-and-parenting"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Make Kids listen<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"How to get your kids to want to be on their best behavior--and be your best self as a mom.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Make Kids listen\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"How to get your kids to want to be on their best behavior--and be your best self as a mom.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Laura Doyle Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2017-08-31T11:00:38+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-12-21T06:34:34+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/08\/how-to-make-kids-listen.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"628\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"8 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Laura Doyle\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"headline\":\"How to Make Kids listen\",\"datePublished\":\"2017-08-31T11:00:38+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-12-21T06:34:34+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/\"},\"wordCount\":1752,\"commentCount\":11,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-make-kids-listen\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/08\/how-to-make-kids-listen.jpg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Family &amp; 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I'm Laura. New York Times Bestselling Author I was the perfect wife--until I actually got married. When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I dragged him to marriage counseling and nearly divorced him. I then started talking to women who had what I wanted in their marriages and that\u2019s when I got my miracle. The man who wooed me returned. I wrote a few books about what I learned and accidentally started a worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills\u2122 that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. 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