{"id":9093,"date":"2018-02-01T04:00:56","date_gmt":"2018-02-01T12:00:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/?p=9093"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:26","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:26","slug":"talking-about-feelings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/talking-about-feelings\/","title":{"rendered":"Talking about Feelings"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>You already know that talking about feelings is the key to having a good relationship with someone you love.<\/p>\n<p>But if you\u2019re anything like I was, sometimes expressing your feelings starts a big fight, leaving you feeling like it&#8217;s not safe to share your inner self.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s crummy. Here you are revealing your truth and the response you get from the person who\u2019s supposed to love and support you is distance or downright disregard.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s no lonelier feeling.<\/p>\n<p>Fortunately, I\u2019ve uncovered some common myths about communicating that were hurting my relationship. Now that I know how to talk about my feelings while increasing the connection with my husband, I want everyone else to know too!<\/p>\n<p>Here are 5 communication myths that are ruining your relationship:<!--more--><\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/talking-about-feelings\/#1_Feelings_Are_Always_Okay_to_Share\" title=\"Feelings Are Always Okay to Share\">Feelings Are Always Okay to Share<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/talking-about-feelings\/#2_Saying_We_and_Us_Keeps_Things_Friendly\" title=\"Saying \u201cWe\u201d and \u201cUs\u201d Keeps Things Friendly\">Saying \u201cWe\u201d and \u201cUs\u201d Keeps Things Friendly<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/talking-about-feelings\/#3_In_a_Good_Relationship_You_Share_Everything\" title=\"In a Good Relationship, You Share Everything\">In a Good Relationship, You Share Everything<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-4\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/talking-about-feelings\/#4_Happy_Couples_Have_Long_Conversations_about_Their_Relationship\" title=\"Happy Couples Have Long Conversations about Their Relationship\">Happy Couples Have Long Conversations about Their Relationship<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-5\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/talking-about-feelings\/#5_Never_Go_to_Bed_Mad\" title=\"Never Go to Bed Mad\">Never Go to Bed Mad<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Feelings_Are_Always_Okay_to_Share\"><\/span>1. Feelings Are Always Okay to Share<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>This is one I used to swear by.<\/p>\n<p>As long as I started a sentence with \u201cI feel\u2026\u201d I thought I was in the clear because I was just talking about my feelings.<\/p>\n<p>I would say things like \u201cI feel like you don\u2019t do enough of the housework\u201d or \u201cI feel like you never want to spend time with me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I believed this was not only okay but completely necessary. After all, it was how I felt, which is always valid to share.<\/p>\n<p>Problem was I wasn\u2019t sharing my feelings in those statements&#8211;only criticisms of my husband. On careful examination, those sentences have nothing to do with how I was actually feeling. I didn\u2019t say I felt overwhelmed with all the housework or that I was lonely, which are actual feeling words.<\/p>\n<p>I was just putting the words \u201cI feel\u201d at the beginning and saying any damn thing I wanted after that.<\/p>\n<p>No wonder I wasn\u2019t getting a great response! I was just taking potshots at him then wondering why he was so hostile whenever I tried to talk to him.<\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-1098750589\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>Now I know if I use the word \u201clike\u201d after I start talking about my feelings, I\u2019m probably about to roam down a dark alley. At the very least, I\u2019m not being emotionally honest.<\/p>\n<p>Today I strive to express my feelings about myself (not him) by using a feeling word such as \u201csad,\u201d \u201cfrustrated\u201d or \u201cgrateful.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s amazing how tenderly my husband responds when I do.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-618721557\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Saying_We_and_Us_Keeps_Things_Friendly\"><\/span>2. Saying \u201cWe\u201d and \u201cUs\u201d Keeps Things Friendly<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>Another thing I used to do trying talk my way out of the relationship ditch we were in was to include us both.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019d say things like \u201cWe need to talk,\u201d \u201cWe don\u2019t know how to communicate,\u201d and \u201cBoth of us got upset.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I let him know \u201cWe need to work on things.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I thought including us both would make the conversation feel safer because I wasn\u2019t pointing fingers.<\/p>\n<p>The problem is I was placing blame, cleverly disguised by the word \u201cwe.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Or so I thought. My chicanery was about as effective as a toddler hiding a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.<\/p>\n<p>I was broadcasting the subtext \u201cYou need to listen to me\u201d or \u201cYou upset me\u201d or \u201cYou need to work on our relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>These days I try to stick to what\u2019s true for me, which means <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/conflict-resolution-in-marriage\/\">saying \u201cI\u201d and \u201cme.\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n<p>This is how that sounds: \u201cI got upset\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m grumpy today and everything is bugging me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Or I might say, \u201cI\u2019m nervous about giving this big talk tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>No criticism or finger pointing in sight.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_In_a_Good_Relationship_You_Share_Everything\"><\/span>3. In a Good Relationship, You Share Everything<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>I can just imagine that if someone had suggested that I keep some things from my husband early in my marriage, I would have snidely said, \u201cWe talk about everything!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I believed this was the mark of a good relationship. There shouldn&#8217;t be any secrets. Not if you loved each other.<\/p>\n<p>Now I see things a little differently.<\/p>\n<p>Let\u2019s say my husband makes a mistake that seems easily preventable. I might keep my comments to myself at that moment instead of saying, \u201cDidn\u2019t you notice the hatchback was still open when you closed the garage door?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not keeping a secret exactly. Just leaving him room to exercise his right to be wrong without giving him grief about it, even if I\u2019m thinking it.<\/p>\n<p>Yes, we talk about a lot, but some things I share with other women instead.<\/p>\n<p>For example, my husband is not that interested in&#8211;nor does he have much to say about&#8211;the physical aspects of being a woman, whereas I am endlessly fascinated by that topic.<\/p>\n<p>Lucky for me, I have two sisters and several girlfriends who are also interested and can contribute to those conversations.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"4_Happy_Couples_Have_Long_Conversations_about_Their_Relationship\"><\/span>4. Happy Couples Have Long Conversations about Their Relationship<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>I sure fell for this one a long time, wasting a lot of time creating unnecessary drama and anguish by trying to force long talks. My husband resisted these State of the Union addresses mightily.<\/p>\n<p>No wonder&#8211;I wanted to focus on what was wrong, which only made those things bigger and more glaring.<\/p>\n<p>Thankfully, I finally wised up.<\/p>\n<p>The only conversations we have about our relationship now are super short. It\u2019s when one of us says, \u201cGee, we sure have a great relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I say that not to brag (well, maybe a little) but because keeping things short and sweet has helped make the relationship great.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s nothing to say to my husband about our relationship that would take a long time.<\/p>\n<p>There are things I desire, which I express by saying \u201cI would love\u2026\u201d then telling him the final outcome I want.<\/p>\n<p>There are things I can\u2019t do without feeling resentful or costing me <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/self-care-activities\/\">self-care<\/a>, which I communicate by saying simply \u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes I share about my day or ask to borrow his brain or reminisce about great times we had together.<\/p>\n<p>We talk about our dreams and schemes and gossip about the neighbors and make up storylines for the rabbits in the backyard.<\/p>\n<p>But as far as the relationship? There\u2019s just not much to discuss. So we don\u2019t&#8211;and it\u2019s bliss.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"5_Never_Go_to_Bed_Mad\"><\/span>5. Never Go to Bed Mad<span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>OMG, I thought this one was gospel!<\/p>\n<p>I remember lots of late-night arguments that only got worse the longer I stayed up and tried to talk it out.<\/p>\n<p>Finally I heard Phyllis Diller\u2019s take: \u201cNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I giggled and cringed because that was exactly what we\u2019d been doing. It seems ridiculous now because sometimes when I\u2019m upset at night and go to sleep, in the morning I can\u2019t even remember why I was upset.<\/p>\n<p>I recently saw where someone had written on the wall above their bed, \u201cMaybe making out for a few minutes would help us figure things out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I know you may not feel like it when you\u2019re mad. But what if it helps you figure things out? Wouldn\u2019t it be worth it?<\/p>\n<p>So instead of talking about how mad you are, consider kissing him madly and seeing how it goes. Or just going to sleep.<\/p>\n<p>Maybe it\u2019s not the most conventional way to express your feelings, but it definitely contributes to a passionate, playful relationship.<\/p>\n<p>What myths did I forget? Share below in the comments which ones you\u2019ve heard that don\u2019t serve your relationship. I\u2019d love to hear.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>You already know that talking about feelings is the key to having a good relationship with someone you love. But if you\u2019re anything like I was, sometimes expressing your feelings starts a big fight, leaving you feeling like it&#8217;s not safe to share your inner self. It\u2019s crummy. Here you are revealing your truth and\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/talking-about-feelings\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":14452,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[708],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-9093","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Talking about Feelings<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"5 Communication Myths that Are Ruining Your Relationship\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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