{"id":9116,"date":"2018-02-15T04:00:39","date_gmt":"2018-02-15T12:00:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/?p=9116"},"modified":"2023-12-20T22:34:26","modified_gmt":"2023-12-21T06:34:26","slug":"how-to-talk-about-sex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-talk-about-sex\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Talk About Sex"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>If the sex in your relationship isn\u2019t all it\u2019s cracked up to be, you\u2019re not alone.<\/p>\n<p>Women tell me there hasn\u2019t been any physical intimacy since the baby was born&#8211;and he\u2019s four.<\/p>\n<p>Or that her husband is always after her for sex, but she just feels used.<\/p>\n<p>Or that she\u2019s tired of feeling so rushed and pressured in the bedroom. She\u2019ll say her husband\u2019s idea of foreplay is to say \u201cBrace yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Of course these women are frustrated, to say the least. And they\u2019re wondering how things are ever going to improve with so much resentment and hurt standing in the way.<\/p>\n<p>Life is too short to suck it up and suffer through an unsatisfying sex life, but what\u2019s the alternative? How do you talk about it?<\/p>\n<p>After all, talking about sex can feel awkward, and talking during sex can kill the moment.<\/p>\n<p>Here are 3 ways to talk about sex, get what you want and still keep things steamy.<!--more--><\/p>\n<div id=\"ez-toc-container\" class=\"ez-toc-v2_0_39 counter-hierarchy ez-toc-counter ez-toc-transparent ez-toc-container-direction\">\n<div class=\"ez-toc-title-container\">\n<p class=\"ez-toc-title\">Contents<\/p>\n<span class=\"ez-toc-title-toggle\"><\/span><\/div>\n<nav><ul class='ez-toc-list ez-toc-list-level-1 ' ><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-1\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-talk-about-sex\/#1_Whisper_This_at_Dinner\" title=\"Whisper This at Dinner\">Whisper This at Dinner<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-2\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-talk-about-sex\/#2_Make_It_Safe_for_Sex\" title=\"Make It Safe for Sex\">Make It Safe for Sex<\/a><\/li><li class='ez-toc-page-1 ez-toc-heading-level-2'><a class=\"ez-toc-link ez-toc-heading-3\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-talk-about-sex\/#3_Give_Authentic_Feedback\" title=\"Give Authentic Feedback\">Give Authentic Feedback<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav><\/div>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"1_Whisper_This_at_Dinner\"><\/span><strong>1. Whisper This at Dinner<\/strong><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>As you already know, the advice you\u2019ve read absolutely everywhere about how you should \u201cset a time to talk about your issues in the bedroom&#8211;maybe several conversations\u201d doesn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re anything like me, you\u2019ve tried that repeatedly, but it didn\u2019t solve the problem.<\/p>\n<p>If it did, we wouldn\u2019t be talking about this right now. We\u2019d be on to creating world peace and ending hunger.<\/p>\n<p>What will help you get the sex life you want is digging deep to find your own desires in the bedroom then expressing them in the positive rather than as complaints.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s no need to say <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/talking-about-feelings\/\">\u201cWe need to talk.\u201d<\/a><\/p><div class=\"laura-new-roadmap\" id=\"laura-292214189\"><p><a href=\"https:\/\/adoredwifeweekend.com\/\" target=\"_blank\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-17022 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1118\" height=\"559\" srcset=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new.png 1118w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-150x75.png 150w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-480x240.png 480w, https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Banner-Horizontal-new-768x384.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1118px) 100vw, 1118px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p>You\u2019re just going to look for a moment when it\u2019s only the two of you at dinner or in the car or watching TV when the kids are asleep.<\/p>\n<p>Then you\u2019ll whisper that desire in his ear.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019ll say, \u201cI love it when you [fill in the blank]. I would love even more of that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Or maybe, \u201cI love it when you\u2019re romantic and draw the bath with rose petals and pour the champagne. I love feeling wooed like that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Or it could be, \u201cMy fantasy is that we run into each other at a bar and start making out and then\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Why whisper those words, you ask?<\/p>\n<p>Because what you\u2019re saying is so intimate. It\u2019s private and vulnerable. It\u2019s a special conversation that only lovers have.<\/p>\n<p>You might be surprised at how well he pays attention.<\/p>\n<div class=\"laura-six-intimacy-skills\" id=\"laura-2806888451\"><blockquote>\n<h3 style=\"display: inline; font-size: 23px;\">Related Article:<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/six-intimacy-skills\/\">The Number One Most Indispensable Skill for Fixing Your Marriage Fast.<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div><h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"2_Make_It_Safe_for_Sex\"><\/span><strong>2. Make It Safe for Sex<\/strong><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>You might be thinking, \u201cWhispering desires is great for some people, but it won\u2019t work for me because we have bigger problems than just not having fireworks in the bedroom.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I get it. I remember when there wasn\u2019t any sex happening around here and how desperately I wanted to have it again&#8211;or any form of intimacy for that matter. I didn\u2019t want to suffer any further rejection, so whispering something sexy in his ear seemed super scary.<\/p>\n<p>If #1 above feels like too much of a leap, consider focusing on the emotional safety outside of the bedroom first.<\/p>\n<p>The way to create emotional safety is to demonstrate that you won\u2019t criticize, complain, correct, demean or demand.<\/p>\n<p><em>Impossible<\/em>, you say? That\u2019s what I thought too. After all, sometimes my husband makes mistakes, and I\u2019m a mere mortal woman. How would I refrain from pointing them out?<\/p>\n<p>I used to let him know about those mistakes again and again, but I\u2019m happy to say I\u2019ve cut way back on that overrated indulgence. I don\u2019t miss the loss of connection and wall-to-wall hostility that used to cause or the emotional hangover I felt afterward. At all.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve upped the <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-respect-your-husband\/\">respect<\/a>, and I keep my criticisms to myself when they cross my mind, which they do at times.<\/p>\n<p>In the beginning, I felt like a mute because so much of what I\u2019d been in the habit of saying was critical, complaining, correcting, demeaning or demanding.<\/p>\n<p>But being quiet was a learning experience. It gave me time to think about myself and the kind of woman I wanted to be, not to mention what I wanted in bed, instead of being distracted by what I saw as his shortcomings.<\/p>\n<p>And it gave him the space to say things out loud that he wouldn\u2019t have before, like what he wanted to do to fix up the house and the backyard or his enthusiasm for going to Mars.<\/p>\n<p>When he shared his ideas and I didn\u2019t point out what was wrong with them, eventually he realized he was safe.<\/p>\n<p>And it turns out safety is sexy.<\/p>\n<p>The restored safety between us helped me find my courage to start whispering in his ear.<\/p>\n<h2><span class=\"ez-toc-section\" id=\"3_Give_Authentic_Feedback\"><\/span><strong>3. Give Authentic Feedback<\/strong><span class=\"ez-toc-section-end\"><\/span><\/h2>\n<p>When it comes to being aroused, men are microwaves and women are slow cookers.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re engaging in physical intimacy that\u2019s not satisfying because it\u2019s too rushed, you might feel mad or hurt that he would be so pushy.<\/p>\n<p>But what if he just doesn\u2019t realize you\u2019re a slow cooker? He might think you\u2019re all ready to go instantaneously too.<\/p>\n<p>It took me a while to realize that I was responsible for my own happiness, even in bed. I wanted my husband to be the one to do the right things at the right time to make me feel good.<\/p>\n<p>I wasn\u2019t so good at honoring myself in that moment. Sometimes I would go along to get along instead of slowing things down. I didn\u2019t realize that I was teaching him how to treat me but it wasn\u2019t the treatment I wanted.<\/p>\n<p>How could he know unless I gave him authentic feedback? I made the mistake of making sounds indicating I was having a good time when I wasn\u2019t really.<\/p>\n<p>I was sending the wrong message until I learned to be authentic.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAuthentic\u201d doesn\u2019t mean negative. Criticism has a very chilling effect on intimacy, which is never truer than in the bedroom. Complaining just doesn\u2019t make us hot.<\/p>\n<p>But conveying what I love (not what I don\u2019t) is authentic.<\/p>\n<p>Making sounds that let him know I\u2019m enjoying what I\u2019m doing is authentic, and so is stopping when I\u2019m not.<\/p>\n<p>Sending a signal with my body language, smile and what I\u2019m wearing (or not wearing) is all authentic communication.<\/p>\n<p>For me, it helped to stop focusing on talking about sex and start thinking about honoring myself while we were together, even when it was scary.<\/p>\n<p>Turns out nothing could be steamier.<\/p>\n<p>Which tip could reignite your sex life? I\u2019d love to hear in the comments below.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If the sex in your relationship isn\u2019t all it\u2019s cracked up to be, you\u2019re not alone. Women tell me there hasn\u2019t been any physical intimacy since the baby was born&#8211;and he\u2019s four. Or that her husband is always after her for sex, but she just feels used. Or that she\u2019s tired of feeling so rushed\u2026 <a href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-talk-about-sex\/\">Read More &raquo;<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":14450,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_stopmodifiedupdate":false,"_modified_date":"","content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[716],"tags":[],"app":[],"class_list":["post-9116","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sex-life-and-physical-intimacy"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Talk about Sex<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"How to get over feeling frustrated and unsatisfied in the bedroom and get the sex life you want, without awkwardness or killing the moment.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-talk-about-sex\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Talk about Sex\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"How to get over feeling frustrated and unsatisfied in the bedroom and get the sex life you want, without awkwardness or killing the moment.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-talk-about-sex\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Laura Doyle Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/lauradoyle.org\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-02-15T12:00:39+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-12-21T06:34:26+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/how-to-talk-about-sex.jpeg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"628\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@lauramdoyle\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Laura Doyle\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-talk-about-sex\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-talk-about-sex\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Laura Doyle\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"headline\":\"How to Talk About Sex\",\"datePublished\":\"2018-02-15T12:00:39+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-12-21T06:34:26+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-talk-about-sex\/\"},\"wordCount\":1144,\"commentCount\":24,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/96ba2d9652e0d061581f6148ca656678\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/how-to-talk-about-sex\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/lauradoyle.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/how-to-talk-about-sex.jpeg\",\"articleSection\":[\"Sex Life &amp; 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